Fading...

It wasn't fair, nothing was and I've been alive for a bit more than eighteen years to remind me of that fact. So why did it still bother me so much? I pretended to be busy behind the counter of the Smoothie Express as I watched the beautiful woman in the food court snuggled up against the troll that had bought her lunch. What an unlikely couple, but it's not like this was the first time I'd been so completely perplexed, and jealous. She was gorgeous, long black hair, big dark eyes and lips that I could easily see were plump and prone to smiling. There she was with a fat guy wearing dirty jeans and greasy hair. He almost looked like he had been playing in a garden, except it was December and there was a foot of snow on the ground. They finished their drinks, then got up and walked off with his dirty fingernails pressed against her ass. Life was definitely not fair.

My name is Carl, and I blame almost all of my attitude on not being able to figure out what I needed to change, or do to attract a female. I'm reasonably good looking, I've got brown hair and green eyes, women are supposed to like green eyes. I'm nearly 5'10" and I weigh 175 pounds. I get good grades in school, I work part time after, I volunteer and I have both of my parents who have brought me up in what I'm guessing is a fairly standard family setting. I don't have any siblings, but I do have cousins that are my age that I'm close with. I have a small number of friends, so I'm not the loner you may have expected.

I could talk to women easily enough, I mean my job wasn't the ideal place to possibly socialize with women, but I spoke with them everyday, and it was comfortable enough to do, but I just couldn't crack the code that would have resulted in getting a date. I'd been turned down 100% of the time's I'd asked, and it had happened enough times that I was reluctant to keep asking. The only time in my memory that I felt like I actually had a chance was at a party a few years ago, but I'll talk more about that a bit later.

So there I was, shaking my head and wondering what I was dependably doing wrong as the beauty and the troll walked off. I fell back on the same wishful thinking that had carried me through this year, that I'd graduate from high school, and start college far from home after summer break. I'd have a fresh start, nobody would know me, and surely I'd manage to start dating. Until then, it was just miserable, and I hoped more than anything that I was right about college being a new start for me.

~

That night, I made a mental checklist of things NOT to do in college. At the top of the list, I had written: Don't do the same thing, and expect better results.

I fell asleep hours later, and woke before dawn recalling the most vivid dream I'd ever had. It was so shocking that I couldn't fall back asleep so I lay there and wondered if there was some hidden meaning to it. I was at a halloween party, it was the same party I'd just mentioned. The one I attended when I was sixteen and had been organized by my cousin's family, they lived in the same town as we did, but far enough away that they went to different schools and had different friends. My cousin Shelly had convinced me to go dressed as a girl, she said that I'd have to beat the women off of me, and that they'd admire the courage it would take to do that. I would have preferred to go as something else, but she sold me on the idea in the hope that I may actually meet someone. I agreed and actually had a good time, while I didn't fool anyone, that wasn't my intention, besides how many teenage women do you know that are 5'10"? I just figured it would be worth it if one of those women Shelly had talked about found themselves suitably impressed enough to get to know me a bit, and maybe see where things might lead. The outfit was simple: a red dress that went to my knees, basic pantyhose, a wig from a thrift store and two water balloons tucked into a cheap bra from walmart.

In this dream, the house was my cousins, but everyone there was older, including myself. The only portion of the dream that remained in my memory was going to the bathroom, lifting up my dress, and sliding a pair of purple panties down my legs, and then sitting on the toilet to pee.

Oh, and for the record, while I chatted with several women at the actual party, it never went past 'Wow, you're brave.' and I suppose it was my fault that I just didn't have the courage to try to follow up, and ask any of the women there for their number.

~

School was uneventful, and then afterward I drove to work where I tried not to stare at women that were miles out of the league of the guys they were with. Before you ask, I wasn't holding out for the perfect woman, I'd talked with, and asked out women that weren't particularly attractive, or even had great personalities. I counted the day as one less to wait till my new life began at college, and it went on like that for almost another week.

Once again, a similar dream yanked me from my slumber. As before, I was older, still wearing the same dress but this time, I was in an unknown bedroom, and I'd pulled the dress over my head and looked down at two fantastic breasts that were held by a purple bra, which matched the panties I wore. It wasn't me from the party, this version of me had female breasts.

I lay there and tried to recall more, but it felt like the more I tried, the faster the dream faded.

It happened again a few days later, but this time, I was in a shower rubbing a clitoris that I didn't have, and holding myself upright with the shower curtain. When I woke from that dream I had a raging erection and I played it all back in my head as I tried to recall what it felt like, and what my fingers felt as the female-me had rubbed herself.

I didn't want to become a woman, I wanted to have a relationship with one, which I desperately wanted to include sexual activity with. I hated that the dreams would fade, but that was how it had always been with me. I'll admit though, the dreams were interesting, and I hoped they'd continue.

I didn't have to wait long, the next one happened three nights later, and all that I recalled was laying in bed, with my legs spread as a faceless guy lay on top of me, obviously having sex with me. I was naked, although I couldn't see that much. Instead, I could only recall movement on top of me, and the heavy weight of his body pressing against me. A few moments later the memory had vanished, like the dreams before.

It felt like I was being teased, first I sat to pee, but I couldn't feel, or actually see any vagina, then I could see breasts in a bra, and cute panties, then I was in a shower masturbating, but feeling nothing, and now I was having sex in my dreams, but had no recollection of what it felt like. I shook my head and felt like a loser, even in my dreams. I'd have given anything to have that lucid dreaming skill.

I couldn't put most of the pieces together. I'd dressed up for a Halloween party as a female just the one time. I did it hoping to meet the women that my cousin assured me would be impressed. I wasn't gay, I didn't have any gender identity questions, I wanted a girlfriend, and almost impossibly, dreamt of actually having sex. But these dreams made no sense. I was older, not much older but certainly at least in my early twenties, why did I have on that same red dress from the halloween party? Why was I dreaming of having sex, but being a female? Why was I being cheated out of at least remembering more, and while I couldn't imagine that it could actually happen, I really wished I could have felt the sensations of rubbing 'my' vagina, I knew men's orgasms were different from women's but exactly how were they different?

All of these questions persisted and made focusing on both my schoolwork, and my job very difficult. I hoped there would be more dreams like this, and maybe, if I was lucky, I'd remember more, and they would begin to include sensations, and what that female body actually felt like.

That Friday, the takeout place next to Smoothie Express ended up hiring a new employee. I'd seen her getting the tour that previous new employees had gotten, and wondered how long she'd last. The place had to have been miserable to work for, nobody seemed to last long there. She was cute enough, with curly blonde hair that rested on her shoulders, while she was a bit overweight, she had a very expressive face, and her smile was incredible. She saw me sneaking looks in her direction, and I swore she smiled at me.

I wanted to believe I had a chance with her, but I'd been turned down so many times, I almost felt like my best option was to wait for college to start and just take my chances there. But what if it was just more of the same in college? What if I may have a chance with her, and I screwed it up by not even trying to talk to her?

Two days later I was taking my lunch break at work, sitting at one of the tables in the food court, and pretending to be focused on my phone, like so many others, but regularly looking up and people watching. I saw the blonde woman walk over to one of the other food places, bought her lunch and then sat at a nearby table. I was able to see her body now that she wasn't obstructed behind a counter. Yes, she was a bit overweight, but her ass looked good, she had nice sized tits and that happy, smiling face just did something for me. So what if she was a tiny bit chubby? I'd definitely asked out much less attractive women.

Of course, they all had declined my advances.

"Hey, you work at Smoothie Express, right?" I heard her voice, and looked over.

She was smiling and looking at me.

"Yeah, I saw you getting the tour next door, how do you like it so far?" I asked, giving her my best smile.

"So far, it's fine. The manager seems to be grumpy, but whatever..." she said, and tilted her head as if she was contemplating her words.

"So, I shouldn't say this but... That place has trouble keeping people. I'm Carl by the way." I said, I wondered if I'd said something wrong, I'd just told this woman she had just started a job that I'd seen at least a dozen people come and go from. Still, it wasn't like I was going to get into any trouble for being honest with her.

"I'm Lisa, and I've heard. I've got a cousin that used to work there, she lasted a month, but she just left for a better job that paid more. I'm just earning a little extra, if things get crazy I'll just quit." She didn't seem too concerned and her smile gave me the impression that she didn't stress about too much.

We talked for a few more minutes, and then I had to get back to work. The next day, Lisa took her lunch break right after I did, and we sat at the same table and talked about everything besides work. I listened to her tell me whatever she wanted to say, she was a year older than me, and had been engaged, but that relationship ended a month later. When she asked me about myself, I realized there wasn't much to tell, and I certainly didn't want to tell her I was a desperate loser, praying that college life would be better.

I decided that I would ask her out. She seemed interested in me, but what did I know? Maybe she was just being friendly, and sharing lunch so that she wouldn't have to eat alone.

I had another dream, again, in the red dress, and back in the bathroom at the Halloween party. I was on my knees and slowly sucking the dick of some guy that had my hair in his hand, guiding my head on his dick. My nose touched his pubic hair and it tickled enough to wake me. I had a raging erection. The 'dream me' was getting laid, and I was jealous. I masturbated, and pictured Lisa in the red dress on her knees at that party, while I moved her head up and down on my dick. I had an explosive orgasm, and a bit later I fell back asleep.

When I woke up that morning, I decided to ask Lisa out that night.

School sucked, the weather had gotten worse, and schools should have closed but whatever. With so few kids in class, the teachers just let us use the time for studying, so the day passed very slowly. I made it home, and the roads were terrible, the city snowplows had been working 24x7 but there were still plenty of roads that needed attention and the snow was still falling.

My Mom told me that I should call off work because of the weather, but I refused, tonight I'd ask Lisa out. I psyched myself up, rehearsed what I'd say countless times, and I decided that even if she accepted, I'd move slowly enough that she'd see I wasn't just after sex. I imagined she was more experienced, she'd said she was engaged and I couldn't imagine women saving themselves for their marriage night to give it up anymore.

I felt both foolish, and cautious standing in front of our bathroom mirror, practicing my lines silently, making sure that I didn't seem desperate or needy or worse, lacking confidence. I really felt like Lisa would say yes, of all the women I had asked in the past, I felt like Lisa actually seemed really interested in me.

The drive to work was eerie, not many vehicles on the road. I knew the highway had been cleared because of the traffic, I reasoned it would be safer, and I could go slow if I needed to. As I drove along, I kept focused on the road and forced myself to worry about Lisa when I saw her at lunch. It felt like this was going to be a really good night, I could feel it, things were going to change for me.

My car began a very slow drift, and then the back of the car slid around, causing me to begin a kind of slow-motion spin. I knew enough to not hit the brakes, but anything I did with the steering wheel seemed useless, the car finally settled sideways on the highway and I let my grip on the steering wheel relax as I was certain the spin had completed and I needed to take stock, and get my car moving and back on my way. There was a loud horn blaring, and I looked to see a truck's headlights bearing down on me. There wasn't enough time, or space for him to stop, and I knew he was going to run into me. I froze, panicked and then there was darkness.

~

If my life flashed before my eyes, I don't recall it, if there was a light at the end of a tunnel, I missed that too. If there was a gentle old man that welcomed me into the eternal hereafter, I got lost on the way. There was only black, and silence.

I didn't remember waking up, but I knew something was wrong immediately. My body wasn't responding to my brain's instructions, but I was able to roll onto my side and vomit uncontrollably. My eyes wouldn't focus right away, and when they did, things were still wrong, I couldn't maintain a steady look at anything, everything seemed to be tilting to the side. My stomach lurched and I puked once again, I realized I was in bed, and both the bed and the floor had plenty of whatever had been in my stomach, some of it had dried. How long had I been puking for? Why wouldn't my body listen to my brain? I puked once again, and then returned to darkness.

When I woke next, I felt like someone had dropped a refrigerator on me. I was sore, my stomach, and ribs hurt very much and I needed to pee right now, or risk wetting the bed. I struggled to focus, but managed to sit up, and stumble into the bathroom, where I pulled up a puke-stained t-shirt that was about three sizes too big for me, and I sat to piss.

As I sat there, struggling not to fall over, and just stay awake, I realized that I was dreaming. I finished on the toilet, grabbed a handful of toilet paper, wiped my pussy and forced myself to stand, and stumbled back into bed where darkness waited for me.

The next time I opened my eyes things were a bit better, but I was still in no shape to function. I managed to sit up, and almost wretch as I saw the mess I had left on the floor, on the bed, and on myself. I still hurt everywhere, and there was something definitely going on with the circuitry between my brain and my body. I stood, and stumbled into the bathroom once again, and started the water in the shower. As I shed the t-shirt, I glanced in the mirror and saw a reflection of the woman I had been dreaming of. She was hotter than I ever had a chance to date, but who cares, it was a dream, and all I could think of at the moment was getting the dried puke off of my body and out of my hair. The shower felt wonderful, in fact it was the most relaxing shower that I could ever recall taking. I let the steaming hot water caress my shoulders and back, I let the water roll down my breasts, which weren't huge, but they weren't small either. I traced their flowing curves with my fingers, and felt matching scars below my breasts. I frowned, and cursed that I should have gone with the larger implants like I'd originally wanted.

My brain glitched or something, and I popped open my eyes and felt my breasts again, my nipples began to harden, and I thanked whatever powers in the universe existed, it seemed like I'd finally gotten some control to direct the dream like I'd wished for. I squeezed my breasts together, admiring the cleavage, and the silky soft skin. Dipping my head forward, I tried to suck one of my nipples into my mouth, but they were too far, and I couldn't reach. How did women manage to suck their own tits? I was still hurting, but the pain was quickly being replaced with curiosity.

I had another 'oh shit!' moment and my hands released my breasts and went straight to my pussy. I could feel everything, the soft, fleshy lips, the smallish hood covering my clit, and as my fingers rubbed tiny circles there, the tingling and ticklish sensations spread throughout my body.

This was incredible, I could do what I wanted, and feel everything. I wanted this dream to last a long, long time.

I decided to explore myself more thoroughly out of the shower. I turned off the water, dried off, then walked back into the bedroom, and picked out a cute lavender colored bra and matching panties. Then I tugged up a pair of jeans, and selected a cute baby-doll t-shirt with a sequined heart on its front. I needed something to eat, to settle my stomach which was still feeling sour.

I started a pot of coffee, and toasted a bagel, then sat at a small kitchen table and slowly ate and wondered why I felt so bad, and why I had been vomiting. This dream was very different from the others. After breakfast (it was 2pm) I felt better, but there was a weird battle going on in my head, like there were two people controlling what I did. For example, I've never liked coffee, the smell alone puts me off, I seemed to know where everything was in this house that the 'dream me' lived in, but it really felt like there was almost a subconscious brain that ran like an auto-pilot. I had the ability to stop things, to change direction,or whatever it was I wanted to do, but it felt almost like I needed to really focus to make that happen.

I wanted to go back to sleep, I still felt like shit, but I worried that if I slept and woke, the dream would be over, and I wanted to explore this 'dream me' some more. My body wasn't hearing any of that, but there was no possible way I was going back into that puke-stained bedroom, so I laid on the sofa and closed my eyes.

It was dark outside when I woke up, and I was still in the dream. I felt better physically, but mentally, I was ecstatic. I could still control the dream, and I was feeling better, not great, but better.

I got up, went to the bathroom and peed, then seemingly on auto-pilot, I put my face on, it was strange to watch through eyes that weren't my own, as the woman whose body I was temporarily inhabiting went about routine tasks. When she was finished, what had already been beautiful, was now stunning. I forced myself to stand there, and study the reflection. My light brown hair was a mess, and pulled back from my face in a ponytail, but my large, expressive blue eyes, slender, petite nose, and full, almost pouting lips were framed by a heart-shaped face. I let my hair down and let my fingers return to auto-pilot, after a few minutes of painful brushing, the reflection became even more beautiful. My lips were pursed, and I couldn't help but fantasize that they had opened enough for me to push my dick into her mouth. I imagined myself once again, hand on her hair, controlling the pace of the blowjob she'd give me.