All Comments on 'Father's Day Surprise'

Not in the least bit erotic.

gfg

I'm sure some of your readers will complain that the plot was way over the top, but for my money I found it greatly entertaining. I am looking forward to more of your submissions.

i hope you write a second part to this.

You wrote -

"1) Any helpful feedback and comments appreciated.

2) This is my own fictional world. So anything not possible in reality is allowable here."

1) is a great attitude to have, it it's actually heartfelt and not just something to say.

2) Is almost invariably an excuse for writers to engage in horrible habits that ruin their stories. You want your story driving straight towards the target. It might be necessary to go an inch or two to the right or an inch or two to the left to come up with interesting twists or innovative angles. Turning the story into a ridiculous cartoon that stretches the credulity of even the simplest of readers is missing the target by miles.

Nothing was reasonable in this story. Nothing. Every single character was a poorly developed caricature. You desperately need a beta-reader or two to help you pare down any tendencies to indulge in bizarre flights of fancy and characterizations that resemble no human being that's ever lived.

While this is a good start to a BTB, it really lacks the punch of the after-effects. Would love to see a conclusion of a couple of years down the road (or even several years) to see what the fallout was.

A bit telegraphed, with the characters mostly being caricatures, but still fun.

First bomb your target to rubble, then make the rubble bounce & finish by sowing the area with salt *****5 Stars

yehudi

I am sure most readers, at least those who stuck with the story to the end, skimmed pages of meandering descriptions and meaningless words. You must learn to trim the fat. This was a flash story couched in a short novel. You gave it away when you told how the boys were born a month early and how big and strong they were. Bebop3 was dead on with his critique. Nothing was remotely believable. Perhaps the laws in Australia allow mortgage holders to physically eject residents, but that would not happen in the world I occupy. The reality, in this story, was the husband lied to the wife from the start. She lied to him from the start. They had nothing.

I liked it a lot.

People are myopic and yet still rational within their own myopically created realities.

I remember more than once hanging out with stoners who, while stoned, were sure that everyone else in the world also smoked weed.

This scenario is not much different.

Nice idea.

Just didn't cut it for me.

Ending was weak. You needed more detail about the fallout of his walking away. Yes, you surmised what would happen but that's about it.

Must surely be a follow up to this??

Not the best but good enough for me. Keep on writing.

It felt unfinished. The end seem to miss a little something. Maybe we need to learn what the other people think.

Would of like to hear more, about what happened to everyone after the fall out

Just when is fathers day where you live? It's in June here. The story suggests September or later, since that was given as to when he would pull the plug...

I really enjoyed this story for what it is. I do find it funny how people criticize something a little different. Especially when they aren't paying for it. Keep on writing.

I enjoyed the story. Of course it is over the top realistically but many of the best stories here are. A second chapter would be great. Don't leave him lonely and alone. Don't leave him as an evolutionary dead end. Smart people need to procreate to keep the world sane. If only the stupid ones like Helen and her family multiply, then civilization is doomed (like in that movie, you know the one).

less than a half dozen paragraph detail a first person IMAGINED account of a few home foreclosures as payback?

1) The author stated "This is my own fictional world. So anything not possible in reality is allowable here"

2) In Australia where this story was, I think, set (the use of the term interstate would give you a clue as to this) Father's Day takes place in a different season of the year to the season you are more familiar with.

G, your story was a bit over the top, but fair play to you, you told it well.

"That would have stopped the foreclosures and all the rest of his plans."

He triggered the evictions as he was driving away from the house. Helen and the rest were caught naked, and had no time to stop him. The guys he hired kicked them all out of their houses, then stripped the houses of belongings.

By the time any of those idiots managed to hire a lawyer, Edward had probably burned all their stuff in a huge bonfire. They were also heavily in debt when the husband evicted them. Lawyers don't work for free and he left them all bankrupt.

It was an interesting story, but unfortunately the ending was too abrupt. This needed to cover the aftermath in more detail, with the group of degenerates having their lives destroyed. They were also filmed committing incest... which is illegal. Aside from the community shunning them, surely Helen would face problems with the law?

Horace deserved a decent happy ending after escaping from decades wasted in a sham marriage. The guy had a great job and was loaded... money is the great equaliser and he wasn't too old to still have a proper family. Leaving him a reclusive loner was pretty depressing.

Long winded boring drivel for the first 4 pages that I skimmed through, yes it is an erotic site, this was not erotic! Boring overly drawn out descriptions are not erotic.

You need to learn how to cut out all the unnecessary words, an editor may help you there.

Unlike others who may criticise due to the perceived knowledge of what happens in the real world, I enjoyed this flight of fancy. Unburdened by my lack of knowledge of US laws etc I could enjoy without fault plan B. I would have like ch 2 showing the ensuing destruction of their lives and relationships after plan B and the happy resurrection of ned but hey you cant have everything. Thanks for the effort Graham 4plus

No one is stupid enough to miss everything those people were doing behind his back. And his wife was too stupid to have been this good an actress.

But this is LW where we take the cheating wife thing and swinger bashing to extremes.

Maybe a little much on the family's extracurricular activities, but a fun story. Not too shabby for a first try. It did end too soon, as the LW readership likes a happy ending for the betrayed spouse and detailed hell for the cheaters. Good start, keep going.

Abrupt end.

It's a funny story. Fun fact for the naysayers: California allows physical evictions and the immediate sale of the vacant space as a condo.

Some good dialog. Well written characters.

Gave you 3*s for that and for encouragement.

Unfortunate, too many plot holes. Too many dramatic opportunities missed.

Too many short-cuts taken for proper emotional development🎭.

Five pages with alot of stinking gas and very little of substance 🤭🤢.

Good luck on your next endeavor GforGraham 👍.

AMerryman

great he burned all the assholes these stories i like

The legal ramifications of Incest should have been part of Edward's revenge. The whole family would have been in very deep doo doo!

Could have done a few things different. Mainly spending more time in the burn and the aftermath. It was a bit too tidy.

A simple story, enough details to lets us know whats going on.

This is a pretty good first story. What a messed.up family.

A story where the cheating wife has some small amount of redeeming value is more interesting, but this is more fun. Didn't he ever know one decent human being?

He scorched them

I didn't know this story took place in Arkansas. Arkansas state motto is incest is best.

Along with Harddaysknight and MattblackUK,

I caught the clues locating this story in Australia.

The internet reveals that Father's Day in Australia is the first Sunday in September.

In 2019, this was September 1.

In 2020, it was September 6.

For me, this was a fascinating story that kept my attention to the end.

However,

the over-the-top stretching of what can be expected in real life

(covered well by the comments),

plus the downer ending, without enough delineation of the aftermath for our"hero," (I like happy endings)

[also mentioned in comments]

did not leave me with a feeling of satisfaction.

Maybe 3 stars?

Paul in Oklahoma

Incomplete. What happened in the end, or with the rest of the cheating whores lives? Be nice to know how many were fired, kicked out of school, run out of town, etc.

just plain loved this story, no nitpicking from me

You should do a story about the story other side

Again, still think this is a pretty good story, although I'm almost certain that it takes place in New Jersey on the shore.

26thNC is totally wrong about this, its ridiculous and is pretty much any State below the Mason/Dixon line where incest has always been best with those redneck, neck beard folks.

that's it? that's what you call revenge?

they wasted years of his life. he's a biological dead end now since you didn't have him end up with his own descendants afterwards. they squandered his money. paternity fraud, etc.

where's the rage? where's the revenge?

all he did was run the fuck away

not enough burnage

but nice enough idea

I would like to know what happened to the family

Meh. I just couldn't relate.

The family and friends were all assholes. But I couldn't muster much sympathy for a small ferret-like man who was clueless. And content to remain a small, lonely man. No emotion to this story. Just some words.

Needs more aftermath, need to see what happened to everyone and for Horace to grow some balls and find someone that he can make him happy. Just feels like the story was ramping up when you ended it.

Proper epilogue needed. In it he needs to find true love and we need more on what happened to his "family". Maybe they started a porn site that made them rich?

Not bad. Not great either. Just kind of petered out at the end. Read some comments... iameasei and 26THNC... did you guys happen to check the bio? The author is Australian.

Huh

As others said MC had smarts so how could he not use them?!

No empathy for him as he kept choosing his lonely path just pathetic

Not too bad, but a bit dry. That's always a danger when writing in the 3rd person, the audience feels less of the character's emotions. Thanks for the effort.

Second (third?) time through and I still want more... A sequel of 10 years later or something. I want to know how terribly all of their lives went, that would really show the revenge. As is it feels anticlimactic considering the hurt and humiliation he endured.

A long boring stupid and utterly ridiculous story. 2/5 and that's being generous.

Just a load of unnecessary drivel, total load of bullshit

anon: it's fiction in the loving wives section. If you want reality go to your local library and read some autobiography's.

My biggest problem with the storyline is other than keeping the sick perverted whore wife from stealing half his inheritance and hard earned wealth. None of the perverted deviants paid for their lies, betrayals, humiliations, or lack of respect for the hand that feeds. Personally I don't believe in the hereafter but hope if there is, people truly sick as them would burn for eternity for their actions.

Needs a sequel where he does find true love and there is a final confrontation where Helen and the boys actually show regret/remorse. 4*

Great story.

More please. 5*

Way to long winded, to many details about things that are not necessary to the plot. In the end all he did was take away his income with not one of them facing any real consequences for years of insults, humiliation and disrespect, he showed he had no necessary male virtues that make a man a real man they are courage, self-respect, honor, and valor and he didn't have even the smallest amount of any of those traits.

Kind of a pointless story. Guy protects his money and runs away, again, amply proving his lack of manhood. Not much of a story.

Is was kind of sad that his wife only married him for his money, ever though she didn't even know how much he had. The surprise I had was that his family didn't even have a plan B if he wouldn't except their naked cheating play they had Offered him. Like maybe grab ass and chain him up to be their sex slave. Every group like this needs a slave for clean up duty..

What a great tongue-in-cheek presentation of events! Your characterizations mesh so perfectly with the plot that I laughed from beginning to end. This is a good reminder that Literotica stories are fiction not fact.

A note to the author:

You have promise but you need to improve on your presentation.

It seemed to me you tried to jam every cliché into your story, which for me made sound silly.

Keep trying.

This could have been outstanding .... But, I'm sorry, your style just doesn't do it for me, too detatched, almost like a manual. Also, the MC gets off worse than the cheaters, feels like

Long winded, poorly written story. Really can't think of a single positive thing to say about it.