Faultless

"I'm cumming!"

"Oh yes!" she encouraged and then she bit her lip hard, as she had almost called him the wrong name. Despite her frequent fantasies, she had not acknowledged her feelings aloud, nor had she put name to the person she was rapidly developing feelings for, because it was off-limits for so many reasons. She felt Benjamin unload inside her and then starting to flow out of her hole onto the sheets beneath as he softened. Where she might normally have grabbed the towel she kept nearby, this time she couldn't, her thoughts kept her immobile.

He collapsed, breathless, beside her. She was breathing fine despite him being good at what he did. The only thing that could have really raised her heart rate was her own loose lips. That had been close, too close. This is so fucked, she thought. She hadn't even given thought to the possibility of a relationship with him because the things in the 'no' column were too substantial to overcome.

Before she could dwell on the chaos of her mind any further, Benjamin started to move down. "Let me take care of you now," he offered, excitement on his face.

"No," she heard herself reply a little too forcefully. She was uncomfortable about him wanting to go down there after he orgasmed. It was clearly something he enjoyed doing but she found it gross and given she had just fantasised about it being another man unloading in her, it felt perverse.

He looked disappointed and a further wave of guilt washed over her. He too, was realising he would have to hide some of his kinks were they to work together. She recognised that look as one she kept to herself too. That realisation that vanilla was needed, if things were to work.

"You're amazing," he said in awe. She smiled, blushed appropriately and suggested he go clean up; she'd join him soon.

Amazing, she thought, as she watched his lean body walk towards the bathroom and she reached for the towel. Amazing would be you pounding me senseless, telling me to take it. Expecting me to take it. Amazing would be you finishing inside me and then bringing your cock to my lips, knowing without doubt that I'd clean you, even though I've never done that before.

She stayed there for a few seconds more, reflecting on how bad this was. She was uncomfortable about the thought of sharing a shower with Benjamin; being naked with him felt wrong now. She knew right then that their relationship was over. She let out a barely-contained scream, lips tight shut as her lungs pushed out air. The shower didn't stop running, thankfully, that would have been all she needed.

She screamed, not for needing to break up with Benjamin but because he represented the last chance she had of marriage and children before 30. She was bending the rules and telling herself that as long as she was with the guy she would marry before she turned 30, then it would still count. But now she knew she couldn't be in another relationship until her feelings for him were over. It'd all end the same way; she knew that now. She couldn't be with someone else while she felt like this. It was so crushing, she could have cried.

The emotion behind losing out on her milestone allowed her to finally confront why he was off-limits.

He fucked your cousin, came the immediate response from her brain, as though it was waiting for this moment to argue with itself. It doesn't matter if they were dating or if it was a proper relationship, you cannot go there after Chloe. Even if she could somehow overcome that - and she was certain that her brain would never allow her to, given the images that flashed in her mind of the looks she'd get during future family events - he had an anger to him, a fuse that wasn't ever close to blowing but if it did, she knew it would be bad. She wasn't scared for herself, not even by a half, but she was scared of being seen with someone like that. Moreso, he didn't even like the kind of places she'd spend the best part of her 20's being in. What would happen if he met some of the people in her network? Not her friends who she was sure he liked, but the people she was at least connected with, to do her job. But then, did she like them? The thing that worried her most of all was that he had a whole period of his life that she knew so little about. She didn't know what had happened during his time in the army and when she tried to probe, she got nowhere. All of that aside, there was also the list of positives, and that list was so long, it was almost worse to think about.

The two men in her life had not met each other because she didn't trust herself to manage how different she was around the both of them. Benjamin had met the girls, but not him. She had had no idea how she was going to make that work. With him, she was laid-back, casual even. With almost everyone else, she was intense and energetic, but always classy. Benjamin would want to see more of that casual side of her if he saw her like that (and perhaps he would wonder why she was like that only with a particular man) and that particular man didn't like the flashy side of her, she knew that.

The shower turned off, waking her from her thoughts. She got up quickly and sped her way to the bathroom, so that she was in the room just as he was getting out and could make like she had just missed joining him. He kissed her and she returned it, trying to put energy into it. She briefly considered having the conversation with him that night but decided against it. It'd be a late one, he'd want to know what he'd done wrong, and she wouldn't be able to tell him. No, she'd cancel attending the technology event she'd been invited to for the following evening and see Benjamin instead.

She scolded herself under the heat of the shower, frustrated that she always got into this situation. Sure, it was worse this time, but there'd always be something that wasn't quite right. She'd find it and then she couldn't let it go. The fact was, she judged them because they couldn't deliver on needs that she had never voiced, and instead they ticked pretty much every box on a list she claimed to want, but never liked.

God, her therapist was good. Getting her to see that, even though she refused to acknowledge what she really did want in those sessions, was impressive. But her feelings for another man twinned with the realisation that she wasn't going to have children now until her 30's, changed her resolve. She was going to be more honest with herself in those four walls now. She needed to be because if this evening was anything to go by, she was outright losing her mind.

She got out and dried herself, listening for Benjamin. She could hear the distant sound of the tv and thanked her luck that he wasn't waiting in bed to cuddle. She looked herself over in the mirror and in a moment of weakness, wondered if she was even his type anymore. Her long black hair and green eyes were such a good combination, she knew that. But the last woman she knew he had been with was blonde and was sexier in a more vivacious way, with boobs she couldn't compete with. Classy and sophisticated was her default, her comfort. But would he find that sexy?

She stopped herself, almost chastising herself aloud. This was exactly why it couldn't work. She couldn't stand there comparing her looks to that of her cousin. That was absolutely insane.

The following evening, she had broken up with Benjamin. He took it well, surprisingly well. "I don't think we quite connect, the more I think about it," he'd said.

The meaning behind those words had hit her hard. Would he have stayed with her anyway, simply because he hadn't thought too hard about it? Would he, like her, accept the things she offered, because it ticked things on a list that he didn't really want?

She'd spent the next three sessions with her therapist trying to work through it all, but it was scattered and complicated. Trapped behind walls that she herself had put there. Verbalising what she wanted was scary and so her therapist had suggested writing it down. That she should keep a diary and work through it over the coming weeks. Or months, if it took that long.

Weeks to decide if she was willing to take the biggest relationship risk of her life? That felt ludicrously short. Besides, she didn't even know if he felt the same way. His behaviour towards her had not progressed even slightly towards romantic, even when she had felt herself nearly slip into that headspace. Olivia had come across him on a dating app and messaged to tell her. Her stomach had turned to lead, and she spent the following 10 minutes feeling light-headed and constructing a suitably casual message to Olivia to find out if they'd swiped each other. Thankfully they hadn't.

She wasn't yet at a point where she'd laugh at his jokes and flutter her eyelids like a love-struck puppy, but it was the 'yet' that was starting to worry her. So, she felt she would have to instigate it and as conceited as it sounded, she'd never done that before.

The alternative was to wait for her feelings to pass and that would be daunting, not least because the easiest way to do that would be to see him less over the coming months, which didn't sound even remotely appealing. Most daunting of all though, was that she didn't think months would be enough for her feelings to pass and that could only mean one thing about what she really felt for him.

***

It was the middle of spring when Lily me asked to meet up at the end of a long week. She picked the gastropub by the river where I lived. It was one that she was fond of.

Mike: Remember the days you picked places I couldn't afford?

Lily: Remember the days I used to stop after 3 drinks? Today won't be one of them.

Mike: Bad day?

Lily: Bad week. Bring out your best jokes, I need your comfort & some fries x

Lily had started being more affectionate toward me, though I was managing my responses more carefully. I guessed it was because she was happy and comfortable in her own relationship, and we had moved on in the months since I came back to the country. I'd been dating but not anyone seriously. Lily still hadn't introduced me to Benjamin, and I was increasingly started to wonder if it was because she was too different around us to make it work. Or maybe he'd see me as a threat. In any case, given her intentions in the relationship, it felt that we'd eventually reach the point where she could no longer avoid us meeting or she'd have to pick between us. That was something I was trying not to dwell on.

I said goodbye to Jake and Mo on the Friday afternoon, they were the two colleagues I'd grown closest to since starting my job and my regular drinking buddies now. One train ride later, I was walking past my apartment and over to the pub 5 minutes away.

When I got there, I found it already busy and no tables to be had. I ordered two pints and made my way out to the beer garden which backed onto the river, waiting for Lily. I rolled up my shirt sleeves, pulled off my tie and welcomed in the weekend with a large gulp of lager. Bliss.

"You still drink like a bear," came the voice behind me.

Lily was grinning ear to ear, seemingly very pleased to see me. "You're looking at me the way I just looked at this lager," I quipped.

"Shut up," she replied lamely, taking the drink from me and turning away to look out at the river, without our usual greeting hug. Weird.

She was in a floral summer dress that fell to her knees, and flat sandals. Her tanned legs looked great - firm and muscled, her dress simple and casual, but still flattering her body. Her long black hair was tucked over her shoulder, exposing her neck and the simple necklace she often wore that Catherine had bought her many years earlier. I was struck by her beauty; the effortlessness of it. She wore very little makeup and was still radiant. It was tough being friends with her sometimes, no matter what I said of my lack of attraction to her. Even objectively, it would take a lot of effort for another woman to surpass her in the looks department. I'd turned my gaze to the river before she spoke again.

"I love it here," she turned back to me, and I saw she'd got through just the same amount of alcohol as me.

"I remember when you could only do bottles of beer."

"Or really strong cocktails," she smirked.

"Dress down Friday at work?" I asked, nodding towards her and then down at my own smart shirt.

She laughed. "I went home and changed, idiot."

"Lucky me," I said, laced with sarcasm. "I get dress-down Lily."

She knew I was kidding; I'd teased her so much about being dress-up, I could only tease her about being dress-down now. "Yeah, well, I'm only really like this with you." She blushed as she said it.

Okay, that's the second weird thing in the first ten minutes, I thought.

"How's Sharon?" I asked, to change the subject.

"She's good," Lily replied at once, nodding towards a table that was now free in the garden. Another couple went towards it, but we won the foot-race that all four of us were pretending wasn't taking place. Lily continued on as though we hadn't been interrupted, "she's counting down the months until she retires now." Sharon had Lily well into her 30's and had worked steadily for the Local Authority ever since. Lily's absent Dad? That was a whole different topic entirely.

After I updated her on how my family were doing, we spoke about our week, grabbed more pints and Lily had the fries she was craving. She also had the laughs she wanted, courtesy of my retelling of an on-site mix up earlier in the week.

"How are you so shit at geography?" The question was barely discernible behind Lily's laughter and followed my recounting of being an hour late because I'd put the wrong name into Google.

"Technology, not geography." I reached out for the ketchup with a roll of my eyes. As I did, my hand brushed Lily's, who had done the same.

"Sorry," she gasped, pulling her hand away as though stung by an electric shock. She was blushing profusely again.

That's number three.

"Lily, are you okay? You've been behaving very weird at points this evening."

Her face filled with more colour. "You don't mess around, huh?"

I found her response even more curious but shrugged my shoulders as if to say: of course not.

"I'm sorry," she started, "there's another reason I wanted to see you. Your presence soothes me to be honest, and I needed that. I've been spinning out a little."

"What's wrong?" I asked, immediately concerned. Her subsequent pause and hesitation only increased my concern, but in a different way. It was from that trajectory of concern that I raised the topic we never discussed, partly to remind her of his existence, for there were alarm bells going off in my head from what I was reading into the evening. "Isn't that what Benjamin's for, to soothe you?" I purposefully teased.

The hesitation was gone in an instant as she replied, "no, actually, we broke up." I could see the sadness in her expression.

You idiot Mike, you almost walked into it all over again. She's behaving weird because her heart's broken, not because she's into you. She's sad and needs a friend for comfort.

"What happened? Do you want to talk about it?" I'd arranged my features into an appropriately sympathetic expression, all while I mentally chastised myself for thinking like a jerk. "He's made a big mistake, that's for sure," I added with a comforting smile.

She shook her head; I was miles off. "It was me, I ended it. That's why I'm spinning out, because it should have been a bad idea to end it, but it feels right. He should have been what I want." She had a look of guilt on her face; she was almost apologetic with it.

Well, you could have struck me down with a feather, if this wasn't Lily's quarter-life crisis arriving late, I didn't know what it was. I only knew what I'd heard the first time she mentioned him but by that account, he seemed to be exactly what she wanted.

"I don't understand," I began somewhat inconsiderately in my haste to get to the bottom of it. "He just seemed so good for you. Geeky, a great job, he must have been attractive for you to go for him in the first place," I winked to take the heaviness out of it, "Why wouldn't you want him?"

"He was like everyone else," Lily replied simply, with conviction. "I don't need more of the same, I need to start accepting I want different."

"Different how?" I replied, intrigued. I'd almost forgotten my lager, in the shock of Lily's news.

"I'm working it out. It's not easy for me."

"What isn't?"

The open air felt charged, it felt raw with honesty. It felt like I was close to learning something deep about Lily.

She took a long sip of her own drink and then dipped some fries in the sauce. Eventually she said, "what I want versus what I should want, and how much I'm willing to compromise myself each way. How much I trust myself to."

I sat in stunned silence, understanding none of what she'd said. "And the award for riddle of the year goes to...."

She shrugged and I didn't push it. Instead, we got started on the fries. After another couple of beers, nachos followed after Lily couldn't decide what she wanted, and I ordered for us. It was becoming a recurring theme that I'd go ahead and make a decision for her when she couldn't. By then, we were checking for tables inside, the spring air not enough to keep Lily warm in her dress and a thin jacket.

"Fancy a whisky?"

"Damn Lily, just how upset are you about this breakup?" We hadn't mentioned it since, but this felt like a good 'in'.

"Have a whisky with me and I'll answer the riddle which will answer that question," she smirked. She hadn't actually been looking that upset, truth be told. More confused, if anything.

"I'm not sure I'm willing to pay 40 big-ones just to hear that he couldn't give you what you want but gave you what you should want, or however that riddle went."

"Fine, I'll get one for myself," she sighed, rising.

I put my hand on hers and she stopped, looking down at me with her cheeks rapidly gaining colour the longer my hand stayed on hers. "I've got a bottle of Balvenie scotch back at mine, proper whisky. We can shoot the shit in the warm?"

I might as well have told her I had the winning lottery ticket upstairs, given her expression and the eagerness with which she made the short walk back to mine.

"Ice, please," she insisted, as I opened the bottle upstairs and she took her usual seat on the breakfast bar.

I groaned. "In a glass of Balvenie?!"

"I haven't had a whisky in about 10 years," she pointed out.

"Fine, but you tell nobody that I let you do this, especially not my army buddies."

"Cheers," we chorused, tapping our glasses.

"Are you ever going to let them know you're back?" Lily asked carefully. I'd given her some insight into the guilt I'd been holding onto, but not enough insight for her to feel confident in bringing it up.

"Maybe," I pondered, smiling at her so she knew I wasn't annoyed she'd brought it up but also not wishing to discuss it further. "More importantly, are you going to tell me what your riddle means?"

"Uh, Mike," she protested, "it's so messed up and cliché. I tell myself I want someone normal and ordinary, but I don't, not really." She sighed and took another sip. "Damn, this goes down well. It's like, a good burn," she smiled.

I returned the smile and took my own sip from my slightly fuller glass. I thought I could see where this was going and if it did, it would explain so much about Lily that I almost wouldn't be able to believe it.

"I've diagnosed myself as having the typical daddy issues, no doubt about it. Craving the approval of an absent parent through my teenage years turns into needing some kind of authority figure in my life. Someone who almost makes me step back. Shit, huh?"