Faultless

Once I'd absorbed the menu, I looked up and saw that Lily was still reading hers, or else hiding behind it. "Anything you'd recommend?" I asked her politely.

She looked up and hesitated. "They'll be vegetarian options though."

"That's fine, when I really enjoy them, you can sit there looking smug, can't you?"

Lily reacted better to that and suggested a couple of dishes including a paneer-based curry. We ordered and seeing that I was going to need to lead us through the evening, I got started on the topics I'd thought of earlier in the day. I was that guy - the planner.

"So, I just wanted to thank you, genuinely, for what you did with my job applications. That was above and beyond Lily, honestly."

I might have touched her hand to show how serious I was, but they were tucked in close to the table. Instead, I raised my glass and tipped it towards her. Her cheeks seemed to redden slightly behind her permanent tan and touch of foundation. "You're most welcome, I'm happy to help you when you get interviews and what have you," she offered.

I was tempted to ask 'why' but I stopped myself. Instead, I asked, "What plans did you cancel for me then?" I felt guilty even as I asked and felt even more so when I heard her response.

"Oh, it was a date," she replied dismissively. Whether it was because she didn't want to go into it, or wasn't too fussed, was unclear.

I pressed it anyway. "Why'd you cancel a date to see me?" I chuckled to keep it light, but I found the topic of surprising interest, rather than hysterical.

Lily waved a hand to further dismiss it but seeing I wasn't going to easily give up, explained. "He'd been asking me out for months, he's one of the producers on one of the world news programmes. So, in the end I said yes, even though he's not really my type."

"What's your type?" I replied at once, now no longer hiding my interest.

Surprisingly, Lily didn't blush, and her answer seemed rehearsed, right down to the gestures. "I'll know it when I see it, you know?" She finished with a little shrug of her shoulders that hinted at defensiveness but then she moved on and her shoulders sat back to normal. "I wanted to see you more, to be frank."

She looked over and I felt my cheeks flush. "I'm touched," I admitted. "May I ask why?"

"Maybe after a few more of these," she teased, holding the glass up. I was truly intrigued now.

Our starters arrived and we tried some of each other's. We fell into a more relaxed conversation about family, and I told her Megan's good news which allowed us both to play off her settling down before us. I again asked how Sharon & her were doing and received an honest reply.

"She's struggling, a little bit, to be honest," Lily admitted. "I think she feels a little lost."

"How about you?" I asked evenly.

Lily's face fell and I saw what I could best describe as a crack in her perfect looks.

"I think I'm the same. I don't think Nan would recognise me anymore, the more I think about it. That scares me," she admitted quietly. "The few years while you were away, it wasn't like how you knew her, when she'd be at the pub drinking her brandy with the neighbours on a Friday night. It's not like how it was when I was young, and she was out with me for meals and watching me grow up. She got old, got sick and we both lost a lot of that."

Lily took a large gulp of alcohol and I stayed silent except to motion to the waiter for a refill, for both of us.

"I had a dream last week that she was in The Wagon," Lily swallowed as she thought of the pub. "And I walked in, and she didn't know who I was. She kept saying 'you're not my granddaughter, you're a snob'."

Lily imitated Catherine's accent so well that it broke the emotion and I laughed, loudly. Lily did too, unashamedly. We settled a few seconds later and Lily wiped a tear from her eye that might not have been from laughter.

"Ah Lils," I said softly. I reached out and took her hand. Her soft, moisturised skin was almost as though touching air. Her nails, painted soft pink, were perfected manicured. She didn't move it away and I took relief from that - that she didn't find me a creep, even after all these years. "I hate to be all preachy, but have you considered therapy? It helped me a lot a few years ago."

She hesitated and I sensed the same woman who felt out of her depth when I mentioned my past before. She took her hand away gently and not controversially. "I'm in it, I've been in therapy for years," then she quickly added, realising what I'd said, "not that I've had it worse than you!"

"Wow, wow," I replied immediately, by instinct. "It's not a competition. I went through some stuff over there and after a few therapy sessions, I came to terms with it but that does not mean you should automatically be okay. I suggest therapy because I think it works."

Lily looked reassured. Our food arrived as I'd been speaking but still, I persisted through the interruption because she needed to hear it. There was relief in her expression as I bailed her out. We ate in silence, bar my approving moans - partly for show because I wanted Lily to feel good, but mostly true.

The plates cleared quickly before I spoke candidly again. "Can I ask you yet why you preferred to be here with me," I spread my arms wide and gestured around, "rather than with your date? I'm guessing your dream played a part?"

For the first time, despite the nature of the topics we had already discussed and despite the content of them, Lily looked vulnerable. She drunk her water for the first time too before she answered. "Because I wasn't really feeling it," she said simply. Before I could argue for more detail, she added, "because I wanted to reconnect with my friend. He can't give me what I hope you can."

"What can I give you Lils?" I responded at once, alarmed.

Lily, bless her, was ready for that challenge. "A chance to reconnect with the person I used to be. Someone to remind me what I was like because I can't remember myself anymore. I'm not asking for much, just that you don't treat me how you think I am, but what I was when we were friends. Even if that might be difficult at times."

I was shocked by her candour and perhaps I was also shocked by her awareness of how much she had changed. What surprised me further still, was that she took strands of her hair that was sitting on her shoulder, wrapped it around her finger, and pulled on it. Her nerves were both heartbreakingly endearing and also liberating. It gave me pause to acknowledge that I'd been thinking badly of her and probably hadn't done enough to hide it. I didn't like myself for doing that; I promised to do better now.

"I can definitely help with that," I reassured. "I think I'm far away from what I was too, so don't expect an instant fix," I warned.

"I know," Lily said quickly. "Can we just talk about the old days?"

I smiled reassuringly and again, nodded towards the waiter for desserts. Lily didn't know what to get and agonised about it. The whole conversation and in fairness, the whole evening, had thrown her off her stride.

"Two cheesecakes please, one with cream, one with ice cream," when the waiter had come over a second time, asking if we were ready to order.

I ordered as though it was nothing but to Lily, it was a big deal. She blushed, smiled appreciatively and whispered a relieved "thank you". She chose the ice cream when the desserts arrived and had a bit of both the ice cream and the cheesecake, but not all of it. "Less calories this way," she whispered. I didn't dispute it and ate all of mine, as well as the rest of hers. She was happy about that, handing it over and enjoying feeding me.

We moved onto our university lecturers as we moved onto our fourth drink. I shuddered at the prospect of the bill. No exaggeration, it would have been close to half a month's outgoings.

"I wonder what happened to Professor Nilson?" She asked with wry smile.

I smiled too. Despite what he put her through, we bonded over what happened when I found out.

"I hope he never taught again," Lily grimaced, though still in positive spirits.

He had, at the ripe age of 50, with 2 kids and a wife, decided that Lily would pass her final year class far easier, were she to 'put those Hollywood lips to use.'

One devastating day later when he had told her to think about it and she had told me in desperation, aware that she needed to pass his course, I had bloodied the mouth he had threatened her with. I took the fall and Lily kept her grades.

"I'd do a lot worse now," I admitted harshly, but truly.

Lily glanced at my biceps and for the first time, recognised the difference in me. I was sure it was the first time, as she flushed and I felt a pull towards her - an affirmation of sorts, that I hadn't felt before.

"Yeah, but he flunked you even then," Lily reasoned.

It was still a sore subject, even though I was proud of it. "Yeah well, you didn't want me to formally complain."

"Well, if I complained..."

"Lily, let's not do that again," I sighed in mock-exasperation.

She had been propositioned during university more times than I could count - which made my move on her post-university, and her subsequent reaction, all the more horrifying.

"You know, you know, how it would have been perceived when I was scoring top marks," Lily hated it, even now. Even though we both knew it was her effort alone that had got her top marks.

"Lily, I know," I sighed. "You stopped me crippling him, okay?"

She fell silent. Anger had clipped my voice to such an extent that it betrayed what I'd really do if I was in the situation again now. Lily had picked up on it and I think it scared her.

"I'd have done it," she whispered eventually, as she drained her glass, spurred on by the alcohol. I was only midway through my glass, which should have been going down much easier.

She summoned the waiter, with a smile and ordered another for each of us, as I sat there processing what she'd said. "What do you mean?" I asked, even though it was quite clear.

"I'd have given him what he asked, if it got me the grade," Lily clarified somewhat forcefully.

"The grade you earned," I specifically chose to reply of all the things, mouth dry. "The grade you deserved."

"If I didn't have you, if you didn't notice there was something wrong that day, when nobody else did, I don't see what choice I'd have had but to have gone through with it. That's the truth of it," she admitted, with a glazed look. "I've never said that out loud until just now."

I paused, unable to speak. A pit had formed in my stomach. I'd always thought, given the way she had come to me, that she'd have found a way out of it regardless.

"I'd have just got on with it and thought about what would have happened if I failed the class against where I am now."

Yeah, complete disillusionment with life, and then the army, or a promising career as a tv producer. I could see why she would have picked what she did. Knowing it now, knowing what she'd have done, I had no regrets about what I did.

"Did you ever tell your Mum & Meg what happened?" Lily wondered.

I shook my head. "No way."

"Why, it wasn't your fault?"

I shrugged. "Just weren't worth getting into, was it? The more people that knew, the more pressure it would have put you under and I could see how much it was eating you up."

I paused and asked for the bill, cancelling the drinks. We'd drunk enough and our mood had turned sad & reflective. I didn't want to keep drinking in that frame of mind. I wasn't the best company when that happened.

"This got deep," I said at last, to break the ice.

Lily grinned nervously. "Sorry"

"Don't be!" I assured strongly. "I've had a great time."

That was until the bill arrived. Lily saw my wince - the bill was too high for me to hide it. "Let me split it?" she said at once.

"No, I said I'd buy you dinner," I pushed back firmly.

"Well then, let me cover the drinks." I acquiesced and she put her card down too.

We paid the bill and got up to leave. I reached for her coat and helped her put it on. We were almost the same height in her heels. I could smell her perfume for the first time. It was a gentle, feminine smell that seemed ready to draw me into it. I had to shake myself, annoyed that I'd had so many drinks with both of us in such a vulnerable, reflective mindset.

As we left and made our expected walk to the taxi rank, I finally voiced my annoyance. "Lily," I said slowly, and she stiffened her stride slightly but didn't look around. Her behaviour reminded me of someone about to be broken up with. "I've had a really good time, but I can't afford this again. In the nicest possible way, it's crazy to me that you would pick a place that expensive for someone who hasn't got a job."

Lily looked horrified by it. "I'm really sorry, Michael," I noted the change to formality. "I tried to find somewhere a bit more affordable and thought this would be okay. I guess I don't really know what's manageable but trendy, anymore."

She looked crestfallen. I was having a hard time not letting my resentment at the change in her come back to the surface, given the ridiculousness of that statement. But she saved me with her next sentence. "Perhaps you can pick the place next time? If you decide you want to see me again?" Lily added the last two questions in a rush, and I was taken by the notion that she clearly didn't do the dance when it came to whether people would see her again.

"I'd love to hang out again," I replied, trying to reduce the formality and keep the focus friendly.

Lily was relieved. "I really did try, I'm sorry."

I smiled; I knew she meant it. She clearly didn't do burger bars or run-down pubs, but she was going to, if she seriously wanted me to be organising things. "I can tell that you did. But you did say you wanted to reconnect with your old self and that means crappy bars, weak cocktails and sloppy burgers."

Lily feigned nausea and we laughed. It was a much better parting this time. I held the taxi door open for her and promised to message her with plans. "I'll prioritise it, as long as they have veggie burgers," she promised.

***

Lily and I made plans to meet the following week. I tried not to think about how Mum & Meg would react knowing that Lily & I had met up twice in the time between our weekly family dinner. We met the following Tuesday at a sports bar - the kind Lily & I would have gone to back in the day with 2-for-1 cocktails and nachos, only this was slightly more upmarket and there wasn't a sticky floor in sight.

I already had a beer in hand with my seat perfectly positioned to watch the match. "Ah, I might have guessed Chelsea were playing," came Lily's well-spoken voice behind me.

I turned in my chair and saw Lily standing above me in a pair of jeans, a t-shirt under her coat and trainers. It was surprisingly casual. Whether it was the atmosphere or that we were both more comfortable, we hugged genuinely and affectionately.

"Only I could under-dress at a sports bar," she grinned, looking around at most of the people who were in work clothes, given I picked a sports bar in the middle of the city.

"Technically, under-dressing would be wearing a lot less, so I think you've got the balance right," I quipped, standing up and indicating I'd be heading to the bar to get her a drink.

Even from that exchange alone, it already felt more comfortable, I reflected at the bar. Maybe it was just that I was more relaxed, and it was transmitting across. In any case, Lily seemed at ease when I looked over. She smiled at me and pointed to the tv, where the football was about to kick off. "Finally!" she announced, when I made my way back over with a bottle of Budweiser for her and another pint for me. "I'd been thinking about this all day."

We didn't speak much during the first half of the football, Lily watching along with interest and high-fiving me energetically when Chelsea scored and the bar erupted. She went and got us another round, which we were still drinking when half-time came and we had a chance to talk.

"I have good news," I declared, looking over. Lily, as usual, sat with her back straight, her hair flowing down beyond her shoulders and now that we were sitting next to each other rather than across, I could detect the smell of her perfume that I'd been thinking about since last seeing her.

"You've got an interview?" Lily asked excitedly. She was always very sharp, was Lily.

"I have indeed, for next week directly with a company and not via crappy recruiters. And yes, I know my sister is one of those," I grinned. "But I seriously owe you one." Her excitement at my news increased my own.

Lily shook her head, still smiling, "It was all you Mike."

"It wasn't, you literally re-wrote the documents I used to apply!"

We had a great evening, in my eyes, aided by Chelsea winning comprehensively and the buzz we both had from it. Lily was still uncomfortable at points but generally, she seemed to have enjoyed herself.

I kept up with job applications across the week, keen not to let the momentum fall away, just because I'd got an interview. It was only across that week that I realised, again, how lonely my life was. Without my family meals and indeed, hanging out with Lily, I'd have little to do but going to the gym, watching Marvel films, and cooking. Dave sounded eternally busy with work which narrowed my social opportunities still further. I was happy alone and keeping myself to myself, but I did crave company at points.

On the Sunday before my interview, I messaged Lily, asking what days she was free that week. She replied to me a couple of hours later while I was in the gym.

Lily: Any day works for me except Thursday. I think you choosing the place works well, I really liked the sports bar x

I was relieved when reading the message and knowing she liked where I'd picked. I was a little surprised though, to see her not being able to make one of the days. She'd pretty much said that she'd be happy to cancel existing plans to meet up with me, so my mind worked through possibilities while I did another set with the free weights. I replied at my next break.

Mike: Great! I'll look at a few options when I'm done in the gym.

Lily: Snap!

She followed it up with a selfie in front of a mirror in what I assumed was the gym in her building. She was in all black athletic wear, with her hair pinned up. She looked strong and lean, with a hint of definition on her abs. Her face looked flushed as though she had just been working hard. It took a lot of effort for me to not interpret that look in another way, not helped by how good she looked. To stop my mind dwelling on it, I snapped a picture of the weighs and just my lower half in the picture via the mirror.

Lily: You lift some serious weights dude x

I grinned and put my phone away so we could both focus. I didn't take my phone out again until I was on the way home and passing a nearby pub.

Mike: This is really random but my local pub have a quiz night tonight. I can't guarantee I'd be any good at anything recent unless it's Marvel but, would you fancy it?

Lily replied a few minutes later, by which time I'd got home and showered.

Lily: Yeah, okay! Where and what time boss? X

I grinned at Lily's teasing and how she seemed to be opening up a little, even just from her use of stupid names across the last couple of messages.

I replied with the details and decided I'd better tidy my place up. It'd come a long way since the boxes and bottle opener when I moved in. Even more so since Chloe had said goodbye. It felt more like a home - even with just the little things like houseplants and coasters. But still, I knew Lily was a neat-freak even during our university days and I'd have hated my flat making her uncomfortable, on the off-chance she visited it. What that said about how I'd changed towards her; I preferred not to think about.