Faultless

I got to the pub deliberately early so we'd get a good spot. I was undoubtedly really excited for the quiz and to my surprise, Lily arrived earlier than we planned as well. She was dressed-down, similar to the sports bar and looked relaxed as she waved and walked over. It was the opposite to the flushed look of earlier - the one that again, I tried not to dwell on.

"How are you always turning up before me?" She asked incredulously, shouting from the length of a couple of tables away as she walked over. "I was determined to beat you this time."

I grinned and returned the hug she put out when she got to me. "I play by army rules: on time is late, early is on time. Whatcha having?"

She looked at my beer and considered it, given it was a Sunday as well. One of the perks of being unemployed was that Monday mornings didn't matter, for now at least. "Okay, a half," she decided eventually after a pointed sigh from me at how long it was taking her.

I got to the bar and ordered her a half pint, as well as another for myself. I watched Lily people-watch for a minute, before grabbing her hair and to my surprise, tying it into a ponytail. She then slouched back into the booth and seemed quite content. She looked over at my return and smiled.

I was grinning, my comment had been on my lips waiting to be said since I looked over. "I think that's the first time I've seen you deliberately touch your hair, never mind wear it differently."

Lily blushed. "It's weird, isn't it? I've always had a thing about not playing with my hair, I think it shows someone isn't in control."

I had absolutely no idea how she made that connection but now I had an excuse to bring up her weird habit, I couldn't drop it. "I've noticed it and yeah, it's unusual. I think it shows discipline, sure, but I don't think touching your hair demonstrates chaos." Lily took my words in and shrugged. "More importantly, what does your therapist say?" I teased.

Lily missed the joke and answered honestly. "She says it's another sign of me needing to demonstrate to myself that I'm in control."

"Oh shit, so it's an actual thing then?" I asked, surprised.

Lily flinched a touch at my swearing but nodded.

"Sorry, I guess I need to control myself too, with the swearing," I joked, feeling a little guilty at her reaction.

"It's fine," she cut in reassuringly.

"So, this little perfectionist thing you've got going on, that's a hot topic with the therapist then?" I asked, going straight for the elephant in the room.

The hypothetical elephant might well have just walked into the bar and sat on someone, given the way Lily cringed.

I jumped in before she could reply. "Sorry," I said again, though meant it less this time. "No use pretending you're not a changed person. You even said it yourself when we met up again and you wanted us to keep doing so."

"Wish I'd gone for something stronger," Lily joked, taking a sip to delay her reply. She knew I was going to hold on it until she spoke about it, that much was clear. "It started either during university or just after. I can't work out whether I changed and then lost all my friends or whether I lost all my friends first and then changed."

"In any case," she continued passionately, "I don't want this to come across 'woe is me'. I have a great life, a nice car, a great job, a great place to live. I date cultured men; I have good friends... I've kind of got used to the view people have of me. It is what it is. I'm basically the woman I hated people seeing me as and you know what? It's not so bad."

I drank some of my beer as she spoke and then held out my glass. She tapped it back grinning. "Fair enough," I conceded with my own smile. "If you're happy then that's what matters, right? Anyway, I bet the built-in wardrobes and underfloor heating make it worth it," I teased. "I never really liked Jessica and that Uni lot, they were always critical of you, I thought. Jealous, if you ask me."

Lily's eyes narrowed. "You're not just saying that, are you?"

"No, why?" I asked, surprised by her challenge.

She sighed. "It's just that I thought that could be the reason they started cutting me out but then I thought I was rather proving their point, to think that. In the end, it didn't really matter, I lost my friends whatever the cause."

We fell silent. Lily was clearly thinking back over that period of her life, and I was thinking about that period in a new way. It was only then that I realised that my leaving had a real impact on Lily and the person she became. It was a harsh realisation, that I hadn't even thought of what it had done to her and her social circle. I'd spent all my time thinking about the impact of the kiss and not that her other core group of friends weren't necessarily the most nurturing towards her. We'd spoken about what had happened with our friends before, but it felt more meaningful this time, now that our friendship had properly returned.

That damn kiss. I needed to talk about it, tonight, I realised. Get it all out now so we could just focus on being friends. I knew right then, partly driven by guilt, I wasn't going to drop out of Lily's life again.

I took a deep breath and then started. "I'm gonna say some stuff Lils and I'm gonna be as honest as I can, because I always try to be. I also want us to get these topics out of the way because I really would like us to be friends long-term."

"Okay?" Lily replied hesitantly, dragging the last syllable out and grabbing her glass for something to hold. I smiled at her doing that.

"I definitely think you've changed in all the ways I hoped you never would." Lily sighed and looked immediately sad about it. "Even when we were at university together, I saw how men would pull out all the stops when they took you on a date and to see you expecting that now, when you found it so cringeworthy before, is jarring. But the more I get to know you, the more I see you're still you, like I'm still me, we're just different." My clarification was rewarded with small nod, as the seats started to fill around us. "I wished I'd stayed in your life; it pains me knowing you lost all your friends at the same time. You know why I couldn't though," I let it hang there.

Lily was awkward the second I brought it up. I picked up on the fidgeting instead of her usual rigidity. "We haven't got to talk about that," Lily offered quietly.

I shrugged. "We should though, so that we can move beyond it. I got feelings for you when my life was in flux, and you were the one constantly good thing. I hated myself that that happened but now, I look back on it and I feel okay about it. You're an amazing person and while I don't feel that way anymore, my only regret is not being there for you or having you there for me when I needed my best friend."

As I was speaking it through, I knew that justifying the kiss itself didn't matter, what mattered was that Lily knew I regretted how I reacted afterwards. That was growth, in my mind.

"I wish I was there for you too," Lily admitted finally. "I hated thinking about you over there and not knowing what was going on. I might have got drunk a couple of times and tried to call you, but it didn't ring through," she blushed at her own honesty, and I reached over and squeezed her hand, touched by that. "My regret was that I didn't feel the same. I wish I had, Michael."

We smiled sadly at each other and let the moment wash over us.

"Good evening, Ladies & Gents, my name is Paul and I'm your quizmaster for this evening."

We jumped at the sound of the microphone and turned towards the other end of the pub, where a kindly older man was holding a notepad and a portable microphone.

"Uh, Paul, just my luck," she sighed, referencing the name of her ex. The man she was with when I'd kissed her all those years ago.

The quiz got underway, and it provided the perfect distraction for us to move on from the conversation and get back to being friends. It did feel that we had removed a barrier - we were quick to grab each other's arms when we thought of an answer and there was no awkwardness when it came to sitting closely together, sharing the quiz paper. By the halfway break, we were just off the top group. Both Lily & I were open with our competitive sides, keen to win.

I grabbed another beer and Lily declined, picking lemonade instead. "Haven't you got a job interview to prepare for on Tuesday?"

I laughed. "I have tomorrow to do the prepping and I don't want to overprep."

"Fair enough," said Lily with a shrug. I was amazed by how much more casual she'd become around me. "So, you live nearby? This is a nice area," she commented, throwing her tanned arm around widely.

I briefly explained getting the payout from the company and finding a place after googling the area and viewing the first decent house I could find. Before long, we were back in 'quiz-mode' and despite a valiant effort in the sports round and then the technology round (Lily was perfect for that), we were terrible at random facts and even with my background, the geography round. We settled for midtable but agreed to come back for another try next month.

Lily booked an Uber when we left the pub and then we fell into silence while we waited, both of us with things on our mind. Lily broke the silence first. "Would you like me to come over tomorrow evening and help you prep for your interview? I really don't mind."

"Yeah, okay!" I replied, openly enthusiastic. Lily smiled her great smile and shortly after, her Uber arrived, and we said goodbye.

***

The following evening, I set to work cooking up a mushroom curry I'd found online while Lily was reading through the job description and making extensive notes.

"I can't believe you've never had a job interview, this late into your 20's!" Lily's expression was one of disbelief.

I laughed at the look she had on her face. "I got my last job over a coffee & a handshake and the one before that, through a sign-up sheet. So yeah, never done an interview before and thanks for making me feel great about it," I teased.

"Okay, you've got this," she encouraged. "I've done enough interviews to know what they're going to ask."

"Alright bigshot," I scoffed, "I'll take your word for it but if I don't get the job, I'm blaming you."

"I just hope you're wearing a suit that fits this time," Lily quipped. That got me, given the suit in question was worn months ago and Lily hadn't mentioned it before.

"How long you been sitting on that line?"

I plated up, Lily remaining sitting on the breakfast bar and sliding the papers along. It occurred to me how she seemed so comfortable, she'd almost made herself at home. She was walking around in socks and hadn't yet pulled any kind of negative expression about my flat. It felt quite homely with her there and that was comforting. Maybe I was ready to put myself back out there and see if I could find someone to do the couple stuff with.

"So, what's your plans for the week?" I asked conversationally, after Lily had made the polite approving sounds over my cooking.

"I've gotta work late tomorrow to make up for leaving early today, I'm seeing my Mum on Wednesday and then I've got a date on Thursday," she said casually, with no hint of worry. We'd moved beyond that awkwardness and that was proof of it.

Before I came back, I might have been overcome with some stupid form of jealousy at that news. The truth was, I felt nothing like it. It was a real turning point for me and knowing how I felt about Lily. I could tell that she liked this man, just from the way she was protecting her time with him. I felt nothing more than what a friend does when they hear an exciting update about another friend's dating life.

"That's exciting! I did wonder why Thursday was a no-go."

Lily blushed and spooned her rice. "Yeah, I'd er, been hoping he'd ask me on a date for a while and it's going well so far."

More than a passing crush then, I thought. "What's he do?"

"He's the editor for a technology website I work closely with," Lily replied, blushing deeply.

"Ooo you like him," I teased. "He is gonna get laid!" I announced it bluntly, in the way I would have were we still at university.

Lily's face moved from embarrassed to awkward. "I hope he hasn't got that idea. I hate having to justify not putting out until I'm in a relationship." I raised my eyebrows. "What?" Lily questioned, "I don't do casual, Mike. I thought that would be obvious from 'Ms Perfect'." She air-quoted the name and we both grinned.

"That I had no doubt about," I replied coolly. "I'm just surprised anyone still calls it 'putting out'," mimicking her air quotes.

I dodged the kitchen towel she threw my way and carried on with dinner. "Dick," she retorted. I focused on spooning up the rice and waited for her to ask the inevitable. She didn't disappoint. "I'm gonna guess you're not 'on the prowl' currently?"

"Eww Lily," I teased. "You make me sound like a dog."

"Army lads," she shrugged when I looked back at her.

"No," I replied, somewhat offended. "I am certainly not. I'm still figuring out my relationship goals, I think the term is."

I could feel Lily wanted to call me out on that. I could almost hear Meg's reaction if I used that term. But Lily kept quiet about it, for which I was glad. The last thing I needed was to explain why dating her cousin meant I didn't really know what I wanted from a relationship yet.

We spent the following couple of hours practising interview questions. Lily was seriously good. Not only did she know how to interview for jobs, her own job meant she knew how an interview should feel and how to put people at ease. My size meant that could otherwise have been an issue.

"You're so rigid," Lily despaired as we mock-interviewed over my breakfast bar.

"I was in the army! You're one to talk," I grinned.

"Shutup, no I'm not," she replied, pointing at the way she was slouched over our breakfast bar. "You've put me at ease so do the same to them. Once they relax, you will too, and it'll move from an interview to a conversation."

"But, how?" I was almost at exasperation.

"Okay," Lily thought, "play your favourite song in your mind just before you go in, that'll relax you and you'll be off to a good start."

"What would you think of, out of interest?"

"Probably something from Coldplay or Keane."

I snorted. "That shit would relax you?"

"Lemme guess, Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit?"

"I'm worst at what I do best," I smirked, quoting a line in the song.

I was more nervous when we were done but certainly more prepared for it. As Lily was getting ready to leave, I could see she was weighing up whether to ask me something.

"What do you wanna ask?" I prompted. "You've got no poker face," I added under her surprised look, which made her grin.

"I was just wondering if you would like to come out for drinks on Friday with some of my work friends?" She buttoned up her coat as she asked, but I knew she wasn't going to be leaving until I answered.

Lily was right to be hesitant in asking, as I was immediately uneasy. "Have I met them?" I asked.

"Yeah," Lily replied enthusiastically, glad I was even considering it. "Olivia and Amy will be there. Char's gonna try but it depends on her husband cancelling his plans or a babysitter being available."

I hated meeting new people and Lily knew that but my brief exchange with the three of them at the funeral had me feeling like I'd at least get on with them. "Okay," I started, watching Lily's expression rise, "I'll think about it and let you know. Put me down as a strong maybe."

"Yay!"

We hugged a goodbye hug and I saw her out.

_

It was just before Noon the next day that I had my interview. Only Megan and Lily knew about it, so I wasn't surprised to just see 'good luck' messages from them when I checked my phone waiting outside the room. It was a high-rise building in the city, and they owned a few of the floors. It was a job that would be mostly spent behind the desk with some travel - perfect, if I got it.

Sitting in the lobby, I realised this was where my life was heading now. Whether I got this job or not, an office job with structure and routine, was where I was going to end up. A relationship, marriage and kids, holidays with them, Friday evening's out if we could find a babysitter... that was my future. A future I now felt like I wanted. It didn't matter if I got this job or not, there'd be others and that calmed me.

When I was called into the meeting room, I walked in with a big smile on my face and felt at ease. Lily's advice had worked. Only, it wasn't Nirvana in my head, it was Coldplay's Something Just Like This, instead. I'd carry that secret to my grave.

I'd love to say Lily had predicted all of the questions they were going to ask me, but she hadn't. She'd been close enough with most and I used the structure she taught me to answer the rest. When I left, I had a feeling I'd got the job or come very close to it. When they called later that afternoon though, once nerves had hit me and I'd spent the hours doubting my answers, I reacted with surprise when they offered me the job. I barely negotiated on salary; it was already above what I expected to get.

By the time Friday had rolled around, the contracts had been signed, references quickly sought, and an IT account already set up. They didn't wait around, my new employers. I bought a bunch of new suits on the Thursday, the day after our family meal where I was toasted and treated to my Mum's finest Bolognese.

"Ah man, I was hoping you'd help me move this weekend, but you'll probably need to rest before you have to start working like an adult," Meg had teased. I avoided rolling my eyes and reminding her I'd been working for years, and instead graciously offered to help my little sister anyway. She snorted like I didn't know what I was getting myself in for.

On that Friday evening, I made my way into the main part of the city to a bar only a couple of streets away from the sports bar Lily & I frequented. Lily didn't need to tell me to put a suit jacket on, I already knew I needed to. I walked in about 15 minutes before the 6pm meet-up (early was on time) and found Amy & Olivia at a table, a bottle of Argentinian red already being shared between them. I hesitated for the briefest second and then went over.

"Hey, not sure if you remember me, I'm Mike," I said to the both of them, trying not to be too awkward about it.

Olivia looked at me blankly but thankfully Amy responded, "Hey Mike, glad you could make it, pull up a chair."

"Oh, of course, hey," Olivia added, extending her hand. I shook it while Amy laughed at her friend.

"Girl, do not act like you remember him, you were white-girl wasted."

Olivia blushed and I spared her further embarrassment by getting a beer and another bottle of wine.

"Ooh I like you," Olivia teased when I returned.

I settled down and enjoyed the next half an hour in their company. They were really good fun, completely comfortable around me and able to welcome me into their inside jokes easily. Both Amy and Olivia were gorgeous women, undoubtedly. They weren't out of place around Lily, that was for sure. I was struck by the difference right then of when I was last out for cocktails with a group of women and what actual maturity looked like. They kept their eyes to their table, they laughed but it was never to draw the attention of passing men, and they were comfortable to be around.

That was until Olivia pulled the rug from under me. "So, you & Lily, huh?"

"Me & Lily, what?" I asked, with deliberate confusion, even though we all knew what she meant. Amy didn't stop her, so I knew this was a topic they'd discussed before. They both held my stare as I looked at each of them, hands out beside me in protest. They laughed.