February Sucks - Gone Girl

"Geez, Jim. I thought you might never ask!" she exclaimed, her face was as jovial as I'd seen it to that point. Before I gathered myself and wiped the shock off my face, she'd gone on. "Of course, I'd love to go to dinner, but only if we can do a little dancing afterwards. Do you ballroom or two-step?"

"I can do a little of both, though not too well. I prefer the two-step, truth be told." I'd tried to give a little mischievous smile. Her smile had broadened, "Well in that case, ask away my good fellow." She'd done a weak impersonation of Hitchcock there at the end.

Dinner the following Friday was the best time I'd had in a long time. We'd drank the drink and danced the dance. It was...wonderful. A few times in my mind, I'd told myself, "remember, Jim, you're on the rebound". All those worries had washed away, when I'd taken Ellen home. The electric kiss at her door, quickly led us through the door. Clothes started flying in her vestibule; a trail littered the floor back to her bedroom. Meagan was spending the night with a neighbor friend. Ellen had known exactly what she was doing. She had set the pace, at least the first two times. I'd taken over after that. Ellen was both emotionally engaged and physically charged. She was an excellent kisser, which helped us create a bond, and I loved how she kissed me.

We'd showered together in the morning and it had felt...normal, although I'm not sure why I was expecting it wouldn't. After breakfast, Ellen had observed me lost in my thoughts. "Jim, don't overthink it. I can see it on your face. I'd be lying, obviously, if I denied having strong feelings for you. But right now, it's just fun...and sex, I suppose. Let things work out organically. Our relationship as doctor/ patient won't suffer. I promise I won't let it."

"And what if I don't want to be the patient anymore?" I'd asked, looking down, stirring my coffee with my fork. "What if that ship has sailed?"

Without hesitation, she'd replied, "Then we'll deal with that too."

And we did; deal with it. Our Valentine's celebration had been one for the record books. We'd driven two towns over to try a new seafood restaurant I'd been dying to enjoy. There we'd gotten a room at a Hilton Suites a block over. It wasn't The Madison, but it was nice, and the fireworks lasted for several hours. I'd never done that many things sexually in one outing before. Some I'd learned that night, and the next morning, I suppose. I'd slept like the dead, and I think she had too. The next morning she'd taken me hiking in the foothills above the lake. She'd always told me the walk and the view were therapeutic, and once again, she was right. We talked rationally about what we'd done, and where we were headed. We didn't solve a lot, but I for one, felt a lot better, just that we communicated our feelings.

On February 28^th, Ellen invited the kids and I to a play. I was never much for the theatre, but she had found out about a kid friendly production happening on that date, and to my surprise, we arrived to find my parents, Jane and her children, and Linda's parents sitting in our row. Afterwards, we took the kids to Dairy Queen, dressed in our swanky outfits. I wanted to say something meaningful to Ellen all night, but couldn't find the moment. When she dropped us at home, I leaned into a hug and whispered in her ear, "Thank you, Ellen. I'll never forget this." I was telling the truth. Just the fact that she'd included family an Jane, made me really take stock of just how special she was.

She smiled her best smile, and from there we were off to the races. I had less and less Linda on the brain, but oddly, it was Ellen who next brought her up. "Jim, it's been over a year. Legally, Linda has officially abandoned you and the children. What are your thoughts about that, and our own future?"

At first, I became angry, and that surprised me, a lot. Then I looked into her hesitant, yet hopeful eyes. That was the first time I admitted to myself I was falling in love with Dr. Ellen Watson.

Linda's parents decided to hire an attorney and actually fight the divorce. They just couldn't let go. I understood their plight, sadly. Letting go meant accepting a dark reality. Linda was either dead, or she had coldly left her family for another man. No parent wanted that hanging over their head. Our relationship became strained once they'd found out my intentions. I'd really relied on Linda's folks, and the last thing I wanted was to ruin our relationship. Fortunately, we had all kept a civil tongue in our heads, and nothing was ever said or done that couldn't be undone. Mostly, we did so for the children, but it contributed to a mutual understanding later on. The most important talk we ever had was about the need to move on. They realized it was exactly what I'd needed for my own happiness.

Ellen accepted Jane as my friend, and they also became closer. As a casual observer, I'd say they became better friends than Jane and Linda had been. That isn't to say they didn't disagree about how to 'handle' me. Jane was fiercely loyal as always, with Ellen playing the 'psychologist knows best' card a little too frequently. A few times I had to separate the two, reminding them that I was my own man, and by the way, standing in the same room.

Honestly, without the love - absolute love is all I can describe it as - from both Ellen and Jane, I don't think I would have made it. The divorce was final three days before Memorial Day weekend, once Linda's parents withdrew their petition. Strangely, neither Ellen nor I seemed in any hurry to talk marriage. She was calculating as a person, and I was being deliberate. Besides, we were having an awful lot of fun together. Just before the new school year, Ellen asked to talk after dinner one night. We looked silly there, at Giovanni's with our checkered bibs, saving our nice clothes from the red sauce.

"Jim, I have a proposal I'd like you to consider." Shit, I thought, here we go. "The lease on my apartment is coming due for renewal. We spend a lot of money with me being all the way across town from one another. And...I'm wondering if you'd think about a few...roommates? I'm asking if we, Meagan and I might move in. I'd help financially with the two extra bedrooms you were thinking of adding on over the garage, or I'd be willing to go in halves on a new larger home if you want that instead."

She wanted to move in. I was petrified. Time to put up or shut up, I guessed. Ellen was right. I'd talked often about adding two more rooms upstairs and the cheapest way was to build over the garage. The upstairs hallway could be expanded, and, with just one very short 45 degree angle, flow right into them. It had been especially tough when Jane had started staying the night. We didn't have a spare room. I'd had to convert the very small half office room into an extra bedroom. I'd replaced our ruptured air mattress shortly after the 'incident', and we had already gone through two more. Damned kids.

This thought process forced Ellen and I out of our storybook life, and thrust us into a more serious discussion about our future lives together. I didn't like the idea of selling and then buying a new house. For the kids' sake, I thought it best to stay and make the improvements. Ellen was adamant that we should live together for a bit before making any life altering decisions. I felt...relieved. Surprisingly, to me anyway, I also felt guilt. It had been only a year and a few months since Linda had walked out of my life, if that was what she'd actually done. For the longest time, I'd felt slighted and angry. I'd been betrayed cruelly and publicly. Between being instantly forced into singe-parenthood, and dealing with all the other things surrounding my arrest, defense, and finances, I think I'd just ridden that wave.

Now, things were calming and settling back into normal life. So why wasn't I happier? I felt I was, but was it true happiness or distraction? My kids were becoming better adjusted all the time, and therapy had diminished to twice per month. Their grades were good. I had support from my family, and even from Linda's parents, even with the divorce they were still in my corner. I had Ellen and all the intimacy that came with that. I had Jane, a great female friend and someone I could really count on. The one thing I didn't have was closure. So, that had to be it.

Ellen and I talked about it, all the time. Once again, with patience and now, love, she helped me cross the abyss. She argued that if, in fact, I ever found out what happened to Linda, I would be lucky. She said perhaps fortunate was a better word. The reality was, it was doubtful that we'd see Linda again, and the odds diminished with each passing day. The question was, could I find a way to truly get on with my life? Live a purposeful and happy life, putting myself at the center, while building up those around me with my great outlook?

"Let me put it this way," Ellen said. "Let's say that Linda was asked to dance by the real Marc LaValliere or some other celebrity that night. She left with him, came home the next day, claiming everything would be okay, that she loved only you, and all the other misguided things selfish people try to project onto their partner."

I actually cut her off, and said "I'd have walked straight out the door, sought an immediate divorce. Kids or no kids."

"You didn't let me finish. Of course I know you well enough by now to know, that, regardless of your decision, you'd always be second guessing it. For instance, you'd do some research, discovering that 'divorce' kids with happy parents are more well-adjusted later in life than kids who grow up in an unhappy home with both parents. Still you would wonder. It would be hard to get a resolution on that. A 100% guarantee that you did the right thing."

"Likewise, if you would have stayed for the kids, regardless if Linda had bent over backwards trying to make it up to you, you'd always wonder what life would be like if you would have left. So in the end, Jim, it's what I always say, 'trust that things will work out, and they will'."

She was right. Smart lady. I needed to create my own resolution. I needed to be at peace with it, and the decision I made. So we began the expansion on our modest home. See there, I said 'our' as in Ellen and me. So I guess I was already working through the things that sat just outside of my conscious mind.

By the holidays, our little home was almost double its original square footage. The value was way up, but the best thing was that there was no more need for an air mattress -- well, unless we were going camping. Everyone including Meagan, had their own room, and we were able to add 5' to the old office, so in a pinch we had a guest room or two. On Christmas morning, after all the kids had opened their presents, it was my turn. Both sets of grandparents and Ellen's mom were in our living room, when I got down on one knee, with the overpriced engagement ring and popped the question. Elation, screaming, happy tears, and then even more screams and cheers all erupted. Ellen donned a contented look the rest of the day, like she somehow knew this day would come.

That night in bed, Ellen showed me how happy she was, three times. By New Year's Eve, we had agreed on a July wedding. Life was good.

I almost passed out when my former mother-in-law said the words. I've seen it many times in movies, and women call it fainting. I said "What?" Obviously, that wasn't all I wanted to say, but dammit, that's all that came out. I felt like an idiot. I felt like a lot of things just then.

Linda was alive.

That in itself wasn't all that much of a surprise. I'd been operating under the assumption she'd left me and abandoned our children, after all. Shocked doesn't even begin to cover how I felt finding out what really happened to Linda.

"Why didn't they call me?" I don't know why I was asking stupid questions.

Mom hesitated. I had treated them like family through all this, giving them full access to their grandchildren. "You...I mean, you're divorced Jim."

Oh yeah.

"Yes...of course. Sorry, Mom. This is just..." I trailed off.

"I know Jim. We're happy beyond belief, but speechless too." She took her time with me. "Jim, we're going to pick Linda up at the airport and bring her home with us for now. Her father wants to be there with her when the FBI gets her statement. They promised it will only take an hour or two, so they can close their case."

"How did she get away?"

"There will be time for all that, Jim. Suffice it to say, she was held prisoner from the night she disappeared, by Daryl Johns, and when he finally made a mistake, she had to kill the bastard to get free. She's going to need a lot of help...therapy...to get through this, I'm told. The officials came over from Grand Cayman, to Cayman Brac...that's where he kept her, and she was held in a cell for almost a week, as they dragged their feet checking out her story. We're just livid about that, but glad it's finally over.

"Jim? She's going to want to see you and the children as soon as possible. I'm calling you now to make you aware, but also to ask you...actually beg you...please don't be hard on her. She's been through enough. Can you hold out on all the tough questions until she gets her feet under her? Please, it's going to be hard enough on her, as it is."

That's when I fainted.

Mom was calling my name through the phone, frantically, as I came to. I apologized, promised I'd be kind and respectful, but I wouldn't pretend to be the loving, joyous husband. She understood and promised to prepare Linda for that before the reunion.

The first thing I did was odd. In those early days, I'd been almost obsessed trying to figure out how a plane could just disappear in the modern age with two passengers. I'd pulled up the map app on my phone and typed in Cayman Brac. It had definitely been an easy jump from Cuba, to that largely unpopulated island. The FBI probably had had plenty of other things on their plate, besides a normal, suburban housewife.

Just then, Ellen came through the door, followed by Tommy, Emma, and Ellen's daughter, Megan. They'd been to the mall. Ellen saw my face and immediately sent the kids outside to play.

"OH my God, Jim, what is it? What's happened?"

Ellen had been despondent from the moment I had given her the news until we went to bed. The next morning hadn't been any better. I'd taken a half day and went to her office around noon.

"Ellen" I said, poking my head into her office door. "Honey, do you have any more appointments today?"

"No" she said without looking up.

"Okay, come on. Let's go for a walk by the lake and get a coffee." She didn't look up.

"Ellen, come with me" I said sternly going in to stand by her desk. She looked up, and she wore the same forlorn look on her face that she'd worn the past twenty-four hours.

"I have a lot to tell you. But before we leave I need to tell you this. I love you. You. With all my heart. We're getting married Ellen. Now let's go for a walk and work this out, like we always do."

Ellen gave the first hint of a smile. She stood, sighed and grabbed her purse. We walked and talked for three hours almost. I called Jane, who had just heard the news this morning, and was peeved that I hadn't called her right away. I told her Ellen and I were deep in conversation, and she did agree to go pick up the kids and feed them. I told her we hadn't said anything to them yet, so could she please keep it to herself until we got home.

I knew that by tonight, Linda's story would likely be on the news, since the original story had gone national due to Lavelliere. Everyone was going to know tomorrow, and our lives would once again be in turmoil. I'd also have to talk to Linda, who I was sure was chomping at the bit to see her family. I'd been surprised that neither she nor her Mother had called me yet today.

"Ellen, tomorrow the shit is going to hit the fan. You know that. If you want to face all this as my fiancé, I'd be honored if you were with me. If you don't, I'd also understand. This isn't your mess to clean up."

Then Ellen shocked me. "Jim, what are we going to do? About the house, I mean?"

"What are you asking Ellen?"

"I mean about the living arrangements. Meagan and I don't have anywhere to go, at least not on such short notice."

I just stood there stupidly. I think I understood what she was asking; it was just the fact that she was even thinking it that bothered me.

"Ellen, Why would you ask that? You're not going anywhere, unless...you're breaking up with me. Are you?"

Ellen gave me a look of pity mixed with some amount of anger. "Jim, honey. We're engaged, not married. If we were married it would actually be more complicated."

"What are you saying Ellen? Are you dumping me because Linda came back?" I was getting riled up.

"No, of course not!" she stated emphatically, "I'm saying we're not married. You're divorced. The reason on your paperwork says 'abandonment'. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure Linda could get that annulled in short order. Have you given any thought to what you're going to do? I have."

I pondered for a moment. I actually hadn't thought about that one. "Ellen, there's not much to think about. She was gone. I moved on. I'm engaged and I'm happy. Damn, you were there every step of the way. You helped me see it was time to move on. You gave me the scenario about Linda ever coming back or not. You should already know what I'm thinking."

"Yes, I was. I also remember what I said. I was trying to help you heal. I didn't want to think about her coming home. Many nights in bed, I was so nervous that I wanted to accelerate the wedding. So you'd be mine if the time ever came. But I wanted us to have a chance. I wanted forever, and I knew you needed the time, after everything."

"Okay, but I don't get what you're driving at."

"I'm saying, Jim, that you're going to have to listen to her. You're going to have to watch closely how the kids react to her. You're all going to have to go to the kids' counselors as a family. And you, my dear man, are going to have a decision to make. Dump Linda - cut her out and be scorned in the community as a heartless prick - or try to work things out. If you two find common ground, but not love or intimacy, then eventually, you can be amicable in a second divorce. If you do find your way back to each other... well, I don't even want to think about that.

"So the first thing on my mind right now is where do Meagan and I go?"

My knees got really wobbly, so I sat down on the grass. Ellen sat next to me, concerned. I turned to her and held her beautiful worried face in both hands.

"Darling, I understand what you're saying now. First, and something you taught me by the way, is not to rush into any difficult decisions without careful thought and planning. I'll have to think about what you said. I'm not sure I want to try with her. I have all I need in you."

Ellen seemed to be getting impatient. Maybe I was just dense. "I know how you feel, Jim. I'm saying you need to make the effort. For her, and the family, sure. But also for you, to get closure. It will also help Linda understand your feelings, so she can move on, and never repeat that kind of mistake. That's what you have to do. Me? I need to stop worrying that somehow you'll both reconnect. I'm not stupid. You loved her unconditionally for over ten years, until she made her big mistake."

I was dense. Ellen had it all figured. I could see why she'd worry, although I had no intention of getting back together with Linda. Beneath it all, I knew Linda well enough to see she still might not have regrets for the joke. Maybe not even for her actions at the senior prom. However, it wouldn't hurt to listen to her, in front of a neutral party.