February Sucks...Goodbye Jim

"Okay, I'm going to take a shower and go to bed then. Good night, James. I do love you."

*************

Four days later I came home and found Linda crying at the kitchen table while the kids were playing in their room. It wasn't unusual these days and I didn't bother asking her what was wrong this time.

"James, we...we...need to talk," she blubbered.

"Okay, Linda let me go say hello to the kids first and then I'll be back."

I took my time with Emma and Tommy. I pulled them to the living room and let them crawl all over me. I had become very aware of how much affection I gave them after my last conversation with Linda. I didn't feel strongly about receiving affection from them but I was going to do my best to keep my hangups from wrecking their lives. 45 minutes later I had gotten them ready for bed and tucked them in without Linda's help.

"What's up?" I asked casually.

"I got my test results back today. I have contracted a hepatitis b infection. You need to get tested to make sure that it wasn't from before my night with Marc."

"Were you screwing around before that night too?"

"Please," she shrieked through her tears, "stop being so mean to me. I love you and it's ripping me apart that I have done this to you. I haven't been with anyone other than you and Marc."

"Then how would it be anyone other than Marc?"

"I don't think it was but I love you and don't want you to be sick. I...I...can't touch you or show you how much I love you and I think every day that you would be better off if I just died."

"No, it's better for the children to have both of us. Don't do anything foolish Linda. It would destroy them."

"What about you?! Would you even miss me? Would you care that I was gone?"

"Every time I had to explain it to the children it would make me sad."

"YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION! Would you even miss me?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Jim, where have you gone?"

"I TOLD YOU JIM IS DEAD AND THAT WEAK ASS FUCKER IS NEVER COMING BACK!"

"He wasn't weak! I loved him so much but you are so cruel and cold."

"If you loved him so much then you shouldn't have killed him. I am a reflection of your heart.

"I know; that's why I feel like I'm dying. Please get tested. I don't want the kids to lose both of us."

"I will get tested for the kids' sake. Don't do anything foolish Linda."

*************

"What's wrong with her?" Emma asked the next morning as we had breakfast. Linda didn't make it to the table to join us.

"She's sick."

"Is it cause you don't love her like you used to?" Tommy asked.

"Why do you say that?"

"You're gone all the time now and Mommy cries. She says that she did something mean to you and now you don't love her like you did before," Emma shared. "What did she do to you, Daddy?"

"That's something that Mommy and Daddy talk about between just the two of us."

"Why? When Emma and I are fighting, you make us talk to you," Tommy inserted.

"This is different."

"But why? Do you need to sit down with Grandad?" He kept pushing.

"Grandad can't help us with this problem, Tommy."

"But you always say that he knows everything and you call him when you are workin' on stuff." Emma jumped in.

"Yeah, but this is just different."

"Can anybody help you?" Tommy continued with his barrage.

"I don't know. We may just have to accept that this is the way things are now."

They both teared up immediately. "What's wrong?!" I nearly shouted as I looked at them.

"It's no fun at our house anymore," Emma wailed. "We miss how you and Mommy used to play with us and helped us. Daddy, you're no fun anymore and Mommy is just sad all the time. Nobody loves us anymore."

Shit. I had tried faking it but that's the bare minimum and the kids were losing out. "It will get better guys. I'll do better."

I picked them up and held them on my lap on the couch. I wished that there was this emotional release but there wasn't. I was still just as cold and dead on the inside as the night Jim died.

*********

"Hey Dad, what are you up to right now?"

"Jimmy! Nothing right now. Did the washing machine go down again?"

I cringed when he called me by my childhood name. "No Dad, I don't really know where to even start. My life is just a fucking mess right now." I was sure he could hear the venom in my voice.

"Hold on, James, it can't be that bad. Are Linda and the kids okay?"

"No, Linda has cheated on me and contracted an STD. I'm fucking up my kids' lives because I can't feel anything but rage and bitterness..."

"Hold on son," he interrupted me. "Let's start from the beginning."

So for the first time, I told someone the whole thing from my perspective. I let my anger flow and my rage consume me.

"Oh Jim, I'm so sorry..."

"Please don't call me that. I hate that name so much! I hate that man so much. If he, if I would have been a better man then this would have never happened."

"Son, I will do my best to call you James but don't you think that maybe you're just hiding from all of this? You have every right to be angry with Linda, I'm so pissed at her right now. You have every right to be angry with that asshole that seduced your wife, and you have every right to be livid with your so-called friends. But you didn't do anything wrong that night. You were betrayed. The question is where do you want to go from here?"

"I don't know, Dad. I feel so dead inside and I'm not sure that I can ever love anyone ever again."

"Ji...sorry, James, you are still loving those kids and even Linda. You're going to make it through this because you are a tough, strong man. You have to figure out if you want to continue your life with Linda or walk away from her. I'll support you either way. You also need to get some help. You're in no shape to figure out what you want."

"Thanks, Dad, I will talk to you in a couple of weeks."

"Or sooner, if something breaks," he said with a chuckle.

I smiled a genuine smile for the first time in a month.

"I love you, James. This is not from a selfish asshole talking; I love you and I'm here for you."

"Thanks, Dad. I'm trying."

"Good enough, bye."

*********

"Linda, I'm going to find someone to talk to about our marriage and how I'm dealing with it."

"Okay...what can I do to help? Do you want me to come with you? No, I meant to say, may I come with you?"

"Not yet. I need to talk to be able to figure out if I want to stay in this marriage and the only way I can do that is to talk it out with someone that can help me figure out what I want."

Her tears started up again, "Is there anything I can do to convince you to give us a chance?"

"We had a chance, Linda, you decided that it...no, that I wasn't enough."

"No James, I didn't mean it like that at all. You were and are enough for me. It was just a one-time thing that I never thought would happen. It was like being on a trip and getting more than you thought possible. It was like the airline moved me to first class, the rental car was upgraded to a Maserati, and my accommodations were upgraded to the ultimate suite. I would have been fine with the trip I had planned but without asking I was upgraded. I would have never sought out a night with Marc or any other man, I just couldn't pass it up when it was offered. Can't you understand?"

"I understand completely. I felt that way when we fell in love and you agreed to be my wife. I had reached the pinnacle! Nothing else that I would ever accomplish would ever compare to having you as my wife. I poured everything I had into being a husband that you could love easily and providing a life that you could enjoy and be comfortable with. You were my upgrade Linda but now the airplane is on fire, the Maserati is totaled, and I am stuck in a disease-infested flophouse. Everything I had worked for was taken from me by the object of my devotion. Marc didn't take you away from me; you ran to him." My words and tone were full of resentment.

"No, no James please, please, please; I'm begging you to understand. I wouldn't ever leave you. You're my home. I need you so much. I just, just..."

"Fucked a famous football player because it seemed like an upgrade over making love to your husband," I said dispassionately.

She gasped and started to weep bitterly. For the first time, I think she understood and was sorry for what she had done more than how she made me feel.

"I'll let you know what I decide when I decide."

*********

I found a psychologist that was covered by my insurance and scheduled the appointment. I could have 9 visits under my plan and hopefully, that would be enough to figure out if I could find some semblance of normalcy.

"Hello James, I'm Dr. Kitzler, but you can call me Samantha if you would like."

"Thank you, Dr. Kitzler, but for the time being I prefer to use your professional title."

"Tell me a little about yourself and what you would like to get out of our time together."

"I am trying to determine if I should remain in my marriage after my wife cheated on me. We've been together for 10 years and have two children. I'm not sure that I can be the dad they need after failing to be the husband my wife needed."

"Whoa! James, I've read your pre-appointment statements and responses to our questionnaire. I don't think you have an accurate grasp of your situation."

We spent the next 50 minutes talking about that evening and how I had responded in the 6 intervening weeks. We talked about Linda's responses, how I felt about them, and how the kids were handling the tension in our home.

"James, you have experienced a significant trauma. Betrayal is one of the most painful events that we can ever face. I would like to see you again alone for the next two weeks but I think that you need to face Linda and let her know how her decisions and actions have affected you. Do you think she would be willing to join us for a session?"

"Yes, I know that she is willing. I'm not sure that I want her here because I know that she's going to try and convince me that our family is better off together. I'm not sure that I agree with her."

"I understand. Hopefully, we'll be able to help you find some clarity over the next couple of sessions. If not, then we can push back our joint session. Can we meet next week at the same time?"

"Okay"

**********

The next two sessions proved to be enlightening. Samantha, as I had started to refer to her, pointed out some deficiencies in my marriage leading up to the horrible night. I had been oblivious to them because I have a co-dependent personality that caused me to try to please Linda above all else. For her part, Linda has a narcissistic personality that delights in being pursued and pleased. It's a dangerous combination.

I had also accepted the reality of my situation. I would never have the marriage I dreamed about and tried to build. It was dead and now I had to choose what I wanted going forward. This evening, with Samantha's help, I would confront Linda about what she had done to me and her responses would determine what my next steps would be.

"Hello James, this must be Linda. It's nice to meet you. You may call me Dr. Kitzler or Samantha whichever you prefer."

Linda's defenses were up. "Hi Samantha, thank you for helping us. James hasn't told me very much about why we're here tonight but I hope that you're able to help us make it past this tough time we're going through."

"Thank you for trusting him enough to come without demanding too many details. I'm sure that you're feeling nervous and are wary of an ambush. We're here to give James a time and place to voice his struggles following your infidelity."

I had watched Linda's face when Samantha was talking with her. She cringed at the words trusting and infidelity. This was going to be difficult.

"James is going to start this evening. Linda, please refrain from interrupting him. It is very difficult for him to say the things he needs to say. After he's finished, he has agreed to listen to anything that you want to say. Can you agree to this?"

She was wringing her hands while she nodded. Tears were already forming in her eyes as she turned to face me.

"Linda, I...I am still trying to find the bottom of my grief and anger. Ever since the night you walked out on me, I have been trying to find a way to feel anything other than pain or anger. I'm angry with you, our supposed friends, that asshole Marc, even our kids, who are innocent in all of this, but mainly with myself. I thought that we were best friends, partners, and lovers. I thought we were working together to build our life together. I thought that you felt the same way I felt about you; that we were irreplaceable to one another but I found out that's not true and it has broken my heart completely. I don't know who to trust, how to love, or if I even want to try anymore."

My words hung in the air and Samantha gave Linda time to digest them before saying, "Good James, is there anything else that you would like to add before you hear from Linda?"

I shook my head in disgust. For her part, Linda had tried her best to maintain eye contact. I could tell she felt intense shame and guilt as her tears streamed down her face.

"James, it was so unexpected that I let myself believe that it was a harmless fantasy. I didn't set out to hurt you and I see that it's all that I have done. I'm so sorry, please forgive me. I hope you can see that I'm still the same woman who has loved you and has been your best friend, partner, and lover. I made a mistake but I'm still the same woman that has loved you for more than a decade. I know that you're hurting but you can trust me and love me."

"You may be the same woman, Linda, I'm not sure that I ever really knew you, but I'm not the same man anymore. I'm not sure that I want to love you or for you to love me."

"Linda, James and I have been working on some things during our time together. I have suggested to him that it might be in everyone's best interest for you two to separate for a few months. This will give him time to process his anger and understand what he wants. Will you support his decision if he decides to do this?"

Immediately, she crumpled and began weeping. I expected her to say no. I didn't believe that she loved me enough to let me go and seek healing. I was sure that she would talk about the kids needing me at home and not being able to bear being apart. I thought she would put her own needs and desires above mine.

"If, if that's what he wants then I will do anything I can to support him..." she got out between her sobs. "I know that, that it's my fault that he's hurting. I would take it all back if I could; I would take all his pain if I could. I'm so sorry." She looked up and locked eyes with me, "Please, if you decide to walk away, give me one last hug. Please, James, hug me like you used to one last time."

I pulled her in my arms and held her close. I smelled her hair and felt the familiar comfort of her body. She was still Linda but could I ever trust her again?

"Let me know when and where you want to see Emma and Tommy and I'll make sure to have them there. I love you and will love you whatever you decide to do."

****

I found an ad for a sublet apartment with four months left on the lease. It wasn't much, just a 1/1 unit but the rent was cheap and it kept me close enough to see Emma and Tommy every weekend.

"Daddy, why don't you live with us anymore?" Tommy asked.

"I've been feeling pretty bad lately, buddy. I know that I'm not much fun to be around. I don't want you and Emma to be upset."

"Mommy's no fun either. All she does is take us to school and fix dinner. She don't play games or watch TV with us no more."

"I'm sorry about that, Tommy. Sometimes mommies and daddies have grown-up problems and they are hard to deal with. I'm sure that Mommy will be better soon."

"She would be better sooner if you came home," Emma asserted.

"Why do you say that, Sweet Pea?"

"Cause she misses you. Aunt Dee came over to check on her and Momma yelled at her and made her leave. Momma has been real sad but that night she was mad. She made us go to bed early. She cries a lot, Daddy. When I ask her why, she just says that she misses you."

"Don't you want to come home, Daddy?" Tommy inquired.

"I'm not sure that I can, kiddo."

"But why? Remember that week when it snowed and we played all together. You and Mommy were happy. Me and Emma can help you be happy again."

Tears started falling from my eyes. My dream marriage was dead but I was about to let my dreams for my family die as well. FUCK! The destruction of our marriage was on Linda but I was the one that was watching our family fall apart and doing nothing to stop it.

"Don't be sad, Daddy," Emma tried to comfort me. "We know that it's hard right now but Tommy and me will be extra good. We'll clean up our rooms and toys without being told to. Tommy and me can help you and Mommy."

****

"I'm sure that made you feel guilty, James, but this is a complex issue and the solutions aren't going to come easily. I assure you that your children will be much worse off in a home filled with conflict because you are there not out of love and commitment but out of obligation. So the question remains, do you want to be married to Linda?"

"I don't know that I want to be married to anyone. I always wanted to be married to one woman, both of us 'forsaking all others,'" I made air quotes as I said the last part. "Now, I feel like no matter what, I'll never have the marriage I want. If I divorce Linda and marry someone else then I'm compromising and if I stay with her then I still can't have what I want. Maybe I just need to forget about marriage altogether."

"Do you think you can be happy without someone to spend time with; to love and dote upon?"

"I don't know if I can ever be happy again. I feel like I will always be making the best out of a bad situation."

"James, every day people watch their marriages fall apart for any number of reasons. As someone who has spent time with you and gotten to know you well, I know that you are still dealing with the raw emotions of your situation. You're still grieving the loss of your dreams and goals. There are some exercises, I would like you to do. I want you to write a letter to your past self and your future self. Tell your past self how you think you ended up here right now and tell your future self where you hope he is."

"How far back and how far forward do you want me to go?"

"I think 10 years is a good round number."

"Okay"

****

I kept working as many hours as possible during our separation as we moved into the second month. It was so much easier than sitting in my apartment, wishing the floor would open beneath me and swallow me so I could be physically in hell rather than just emotionally there.

I also began walking the blocks around the club that had destroyed my marriage. I became intimately aware of the Asshole's routines. It was the off-season so he was there almost every Friday and Saturday night. He would show up around 8:30 pm and by 10:30 pm a valet was dropping his car in the alleyway where Linda had snuck out. The valet would leave the car running, making sure that both the driver's and passenger's doors were open. Their routine took less than 5 minutes to execute.

My mind raced as I watched him do this for the 3^rd weekend in a row. Each night he had a different woman on his arm; most of whom looked to be married. Society could shout his praises and ladies could declare his greatness but this man was a predator who enjoyed playing with people's lives.

There was a notable absence of cameras in the alley but I decided that I would rectify that situation. I had no idea how far security camera technology had come but I was excited when I found out about cellular game cameras. These things could be mounted almost anywhere and would transmit data, pictures, and videos, directly to my cellphone. The beneficial thing was that they could be concealed in several ways and didn't require hard mounting. I ordered three of them which set me back a few hundred dollars and I bought a phone prepaid phone and three additional SIM cards. I would have a continuing cost of $70 a month while I conducted my recon but I could cancel it at any time if money got tight.