February Sucks...Goodbye Jim

February Sucks...Goodbye Jim

Prologue: It seems that writing a variation of this story is a rite of passage for the Loving Wives authors on this site. I have tried to keep the influence and spirit of the original while offering my perspective on this captivating tale. It is full of errors for which I apologize and I'm sure one of the faithful commentators will readily document. Oh well.

As always, this is a piece of erotic fiction that contains adult situations and content including sexual scenes. All characters are fictional but represented to be above the age of 18.

*************

I sat there in my living room all night long. My mind was filled with broken images of the erotic scenes that were undoubtedly unfolding in Marc's bedroom. That fucking Asshole was driving Linda crazy by nibbling on her sensitive nipples. They were hard and she was arching trying to get more of her titty into his mouth. His fingers were sliding through the folds of her wet pussy as she moaned his name. I wanted to scream at them. I wanted to break his fingers for daring to touch her. I wanted to break every tooth in his fucking head. The image in my head morphed and they were going at each other orally. If I had any idea how to get to them, they would die where they lay. I was powerless to stop this horrific night from unfolding and I was powerless to stop the nasty images floating through my mind. I could see her snuggled into his chest with a euphoric smile telling him that it was the best night of her life. I could see him smirking at me as she told him. All night long I would slip into unconsciousness and wake in a fit of terror as the dreams started.

In those interminable hours, I came to several realizations. The foundations that I had built my life upon were faulty. I had always believed that people were good and that circumstances led to their poor choices. This was wrong. People are self-serving assholes that will do whatever they can to satisfy their desires.

A quote from my Intro to Philosophy class came to me: "Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad" - Diogenes. He was a cynic and I found myself agreeing more and more with him as I tried to answer the question that was gnawing at my guts "Why?" Why had Linda abandoned me? Why had our life not been enough for her? Why had our vows not been important to her? I could feel the madness creeping in as I realized that no answer would ever be enough. It was simple, Linda was an asshole that did what she wanted to fulfill her desire. I was an asshole who had loved her and believed she loved me because it fulfilled my desire.

The sun came streaming through the windows and I decided that I needed to pick up the kids. I went to our room and changed clothes. 10 minutes later I was loading the kids in the car and heading for breakfast. Emma asked, "Where's mom? Why didn't she come to pick us up with you?"

"Mommy went out with a friend last night after dinner," I explained. "She told me she would be back home today."

"Can we have pancakes?" Tommy interjected.

"Sure, pancakes would be good."

We sat at IHOP and I watched them eat their chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream and lots of syrup. Hopefully, their energy levels would provide enough distraction to delay dealing with the fallout from last night. I simply sipped iced water. "Aren't you hungry, daddy?" Emma inquired. "I'll share my pancakes with you if you want."

"No thank you, Emma." I was having a hard time with my normal terms of endearment. The kids had done nothing wrong but I knew that they would grow up and move off into their own lives, leaving me abandoned just as Linda had done. I couldn't find the desire to love anyone, including my children. There was a sense of dread that I couldn't define and all I wanted to do was close myself off from everyone.

"I'm done," Tommy announced.

"Okay, let's go to the bathroom and wash up while Emma finishes up."

"I'm done too, Daddy."

"Alright then, let's get cleaned up." I motioned for our waitress and asked for the check.

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"No, just the check please."

"No problem, I hope that you guys enjoyed your breakfast with Dad," she said to Emma and Tommy. "Do you do fun breakfasts every weekend?"

The implication was clear and presented a harsh new reality that I might have to face--weekend dad for two kids that were innocent in all of this bullshit. "No, Mommy and Daddy normally fix breakfast at home for us and we don't get whipped cream," Emma assured her.

"Well, I hope you guys enjoy your Saturday and come back a see us again soon."

I left her a decent tip and we headed back to our house after we cleaned up in the bathroom. The kids tumbled into the door and set about finding some cartoons to watch on the TV. Mid-morning, I heard a car pull up in our driveway, and Linda walked through the door 90 seconds later.

"Jim, I'm home!"

"Mommy!" Emma and Tommy squealed as they rushed to greet her. "Did you have fun with your friend, Mommy?" Emma asked.

"Uh yes, I did sweetheart," she replied obviously caught off guard, "but I'm so glad to be home with my babies. Where's daddy?"

"He's in the kitchen, I think," Emma told her.

"Is he making you guys breakfast?" she asked them.

"No, he took us out for pancakes and now we're watching cartoons. You wanna watch with us?" Tommy implored.

"Let me go talk to your daddy first and then get changed."

"Okay, Mommy," they both shrieked as they ran back to the couch.

"Jim, are you in here baby?" She asked as she entered the kitchen. I didn't bother acknowledging her or responding to her question. "Jim, why didn't you answer me? I'm home, baby. I'm the same woman I was last night. I still love you just as much as before."

I just spun my wedding band like a top on the tabletop like I had been doing while I waited for her to get home. I looked up and met her eyes before picking up my ring and tossing it to her. "I'm going out for a while. Not sure when I'll be back."

"Jim, please don't leave. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's just that, that" she stumbled over her words. "It's just that I had an opportunity to pursue a fantasy and I couldn't walk away from it. I want to thank you for allowing me to have last night. It was so special to me and I will do everything I can..." I didn't hear the rest as I walked past her and out the door.

Fuck Jim! He's a fucking loser that lost his wife to a fucking man slut. Fuck Jim! He believed that love was a real thing and that Linda loved him. Fuck Jim! He thought that being a good man would be enough to build a life on. Fuucck Jim! I never wanted to be called Jim ever again. My fucking name is James.

It was cold and I had left without a jacket. I had my wallet and keys so I walked back and grabbed my car. I needed to forget about Linda and Jim. Jim, and his idiotic notions of love, is dead. Jim was gone and he's going to stay that way.

I went to a local dive bar and sat down on the far end by myself at 11 AM. "Whatdya havin'?" the barman asked.

"You have a single-malt?"

"Got Dewar's. You celebrating or mourning?"

"Mourning, I died last night and I need to drink to my memory."

"Hand over your keys then I'll serve you. Need a card for the tab too."

I slid both of them over and began sipping. I hate everything. After the first one, I was feeling pretty loose but the black maw of hatred was still alive and well. The second, third, fourth, and fifth went down and I was finally feeling no pain.

"I think you've had enough my friend," the bartender said as I sat my glass down. "Let me get you a ride. You local or you need a place to stay?"

"Going to need a room for the night. Not ready to see the widow yet."

"There's a Hampton around the corner. You wanna walk it or do I need to have you picked up?"

"No, walkin' is fine," my words were slurring as they tumbled from my mouth.

"Turn right out of the front door and a right at the end of the block. You can't miss the sign."

I nodded my understanding.

I stumbled my way in the direction he told me at the bar. I made it to the front desk and booked a room for the night. I slept for the first time in 36 hours.

************

I woke Sunday morning with a hangover from hell. Drinking on an empty stomach was a bad decision pilled upon all the other shit that had been shoveled my way. I found a stomachable breakfast in the lobby with mediocre coffee. As I prepared to check out, the clerk extended his hand and said, "Sir, the bartender from around the corner dropped your keys off here last night. He wanted to make sure that they were returned to you before your funeral."

"Thank you, I appreciate it."

I thought about going to the house but little would be accomplished there. I decided to get a jump start on my week and went to the office for a few hours. Love and devotion were bullshit. I needed something new to focus on and decided that it would be my job. My dreams of happily ever after were ashes but I could still dream and pursue my ambitions in my professional life.

Around 6 PM, I finally completed Monday's work and would be able to start working a few days ahead when I picked up the next morning. I got in my car and grabbed some grease in a box on the way home. When I walked through the door the kids hurried to see me. "Daddy, I missed you so much! Where did you go?" Emma began her interrogation immediately.

"I had some work to catch up on and had to go to my office."

"All night? You must be way behind. Are you doing better now?"

"Yes, Emma, but I may have to work later for a little while."

"Daddy, will you read the dinosaur book to me tonight?" Tommy pleaded.

"Yeah bud, shouldn't be a problem. What are y'all doing right now?"

"Watchin' Disney channel. You wanna watch with us?" He kept going.

"Absolutely."

At 7:30 we started the bedtime routine and I tucked them into their beds with a goodnight kiss at 8. Linda had worked around me but hadn't said much other than what was necessary. After the kids were down she turned to me, "Can we talk now?" she asked softly.

"Say whatever you like."

"Let's go to the living room. Would you like something to drink? I'm thinking about opening a bottle of wine."

"No"

Fear and sadness swept across her face. "Okay then, we'll just talk." I followed her to the living room and watched her sit in the middle of the sofa, I guess she thought I would pick one corner or the other but I just stood and waited for her to start. "Jim, I know I hurt you. I'm so sorry," she began. I walked over to the mantle and began looking at the photos and all the lies that they tried to cover up.

"Jim, please look at me, baby. I need to see your face. Jim? Jim, please."

"Jim is dead. He was stabbed in the back by the people closest to him and then had his heart cut out by the woman he trusted most. He bled out on the floor. My name is James. Please don't call me baby or honey or sweetheart as I don't know who you are referring to. I'm sure you used all of those when you were with Marc. If you need my attention please refer to me as James."

I heard a sob catch in her throat. "James, I...I... Please tell me how I can make this right. I was wrong but I didn't mean to hurt you like this."

"Thank you for the apology," my words were cold and mechanical.

"Do you really mean that?"

"Sure just as much as you mean the apology."

"Dammit, I do mean it! I'm sorry Jim!"

I turned and faced away from her again. "I meant to say, James. I'm sorry James. I don't even know why I did it. I love you and want to make this better."

"The why is simple. You love yourself more than you love me. You had an opportunity to do something that you never thought you'd have the opportunity to do so you took advantage of it. You didn't think about the costs or consequences because you were getting something that you valued more. You're a selfish asshole just like Marc and Dee and Dave and me and everyone else on this miserable planet." My words were cold.

"How can you say that?! I love you, Ji...James. I know what I did was terrible but you have to know that I love you more than I love myself. Look at our life together!" Her words were coming out in gasps between the sobs.

"I am and for the first time, I'm looking at it objectively. You might love the life that we had but I am just an interchangeable part. I'm a good partner for you and you appreciate that but obviously, I am lacking as a sexual partner so you traded up for an evening. You're not foolish enough to believe that Marc would be a good life partner so you have decided that you will settle for less in the bedroom so that you can have your preference in other areas of your life. But there are no guarantees that you won't find someone better in that area as well and decide to make a permanent change."

"No, please no, James. Please don't leave me; don't throw me away."

"You're free to stay or leave; that's your choice but you're no longer the primary focus in my life."

"What, what do you mean?" she said still sobbing.

"For 10 years I have put our relationship and family above everything else. Maybe it was self-serving because I had a fantasy about true love and happily-ever-after so I made it my mission to make that our reality. But after Friday night I have accepted how naïve and foolish that fantasy is and I have set some new goals."

"But what about the kids, what about Emma and Tommy? What about our marriage? Don't you want a happy marriage?"

"I'll do everything I can to take care of Emma and Tommy; I'm not going to forget my responsibilities. Concerning our marriage, I don't believe in happily-ever-after anymore."

She curled up into a ball on the couch and wept. It appeared our conversation was over so I went to the bedroom and began getting ready for bed. I slipped under the blankets and dozed off quickly.

***************

The tension was high in the house and everyone was affected. Tommy started picking fights with Emma and she was quick to retaliate. Linda for her part walked around on eggshells like she was afraid that I would explode in anger or simply walk out the door and abandon her. I spent an average of 60 hours per week in the office and it caught the attention of my supervisor. "James, everything okay with you?"

"Yes sir, just thinking about what I have to do to keep advancing here."

"Well don't overdo it and forget about your family."

"Thank you, have a good weekend."

It had been 3 weeks since I had my eyes forced open and I had been smacked down by reality. I hadn't seen much of Emma and Tommy so I decided that a big Saturday was in order. March weather isn't much better than February but we could hit an indoor trampoline park or the pizza rat with all the games.

It was after 7 when I walked through the front door. I had been attempting to get home in time to do the bedtime routine with the kids and tonight I had made it with time to spare. I had stopped announcing my arrival because I didn't want Linda greeting me at the door. I entered the living room and listened to the conversation Linda was having with the kids.

"Does Daddy still love us, Mommy?" Emma's sad little voice asked.

"Yes, sweetheart. Daddy still loves you and Tommy very much."

"What about you? Does Daddy still love you?" Tommy chimed in.

"Of course," I interrupted before Linda could start bawling again. "I just have a lot of work to do right now and it may take a little while to get adjusted."

"Why don't you ever hug or kiss her anymore?" Emma pressed.

"I've just had a lot on my mind lately. I'm sorry to have made you guys worried. How about tomorrow we have a special day? We can go to the trampoline park and bounce off of the walls!"

"Yeah!" Tommy cried, "Are you gonna come too, Mommy?"

"If you guys want me to," she replied looking at me with pleading eyes.

"Sure we do," I nodded without a smile. "Let's get you guys to bed so we can enjoy our day tomorrow."

We tucked them in and headed back toward the living room. "They're right you know. You haven't so much as hugged or kissed me since I came back home. Do you even want to anymore?"

"I know you would like me to spare you feelings and tell you that it's just the pain or my ego or some other bullshit, but the truth is no, I have no desire to hug or kiss you or share any kind of affection with you."

"Then why are you still here?! If you don't love me then why do you stay in this house and even go through the motions?"

"Because we share two children and they don't deserve to watch their family fall apart. My dreams for this marriage are shattered but that doesn't mean their family should be."

"Do love me, Ji...James?"

"Sure, I guess. I don't want anything bad to happen to you or for you to be miserable. I just can't put your happiness above my own anymore. I've seen how dispensable I am to you and..."

"No! No, you're wrong! I can't do this without you, James. I need you to love me! I need you to want me like you did before I did what I did. I can't stand the thought that I ruined you; that I ruined us. I thought you were invincible and that I...I...I was your love."

"You were, then you killed it. I didn't want you to but you decided that you wanted him more than you wanted me and walked out the door. This is what's left of me. Now I'm a heartless bastard."

She sat and cried on the couch. I made no move to sit beside her or comfort her. Instead, I picked up the remote and started scrolling through the channels. I needed something light and stopped on The Wedding Singer. It was my favorite scene when Robbie played the song he finished writing after he and Linda broke up. How apropos.

Robbie: "I've gotta warn you, when I wrote this I was listening to The Cure a lot.

"You don't know how much I need you, While you're near me, I don't feel blue, And when we kiss, I know you need me too, I can't believe I've found a love that's so pure and true

But it all was bullshit, It was a goddamn joke, and when I think of you, Linda..."

"Please turn that off," she wailed. "Please, please James forgive me. I didn't mean to..."

"Stop with that bullshit! You had Dee help you set it up and make your escape. You can quit trying to sell me, Linda. I understand your actions and motivations clearly. You need to see a shrink."

"Would you come with me? Please, James, let's get some help to get past this. Maybe we can help one another."

"No, you can go if you want but I'm fine with how things are now. There's no going back, Linda. We are where we are because you put us here. Now we just have to figure out how to keep things as stable as we can for Emma and Tommy."

Her tears still streaming, "I'm going to see someone but I think you need to as well. The kids see the difference in you and even if you can't tell, you're losing them. They don't see you anymore and they don't feel your love like they used to. This is my fault but I can't fix it by myself."

I turned back to the TV and found another movie to watch. She looked at me, "James, would you consider making lov...having sex with me tonight? I need to feel your touch and..."

"Have you been tested?"

"For what?"

"Diseases. I can only imagine how many women that asshole fucks. That's the stupid part of all of this. I thought we had something truly something special and you decided you wanted to be one of the thousands of sluts that have fucked a football player because you thought it makes you special."

"James, I'm sure that Marc has been and continues to test clean or he wouldn't be able to play," she said through her continued tears.

"You'll have to be tested before I will even consider it."