February Sucks...Goodbye Jim

Emma and Tommy were watching a Pixar movie and eating popcorn. "Daddy!" they shrieked as cleared my throat to get their attention.

"Hey kiddos, what are you two up to?"

"Watchin' Planes! Dusty is getting ready to zoom in!" Tommy shared enthusiastically.

"So cool!" I said with a grin. "You guys feel like getting some ice cream?"

"Can we, Mom?!" Emma pleaded.

"If your Dad offered then it's perfectly fine with me."

"Will you join us?" I asked her.

Her eyes went wide and her chin quivered a little before she nodded. Both kids caught the moment and smiled brightly.

"I want Rocky Road," Emma announced. "What flavor do you want Mommy?"

"Umm, I'm thinking about chocolate chip cookie dough."

"What about you Daddy?" She looked at me.

"I think I'll just lick off of yours, Mommy's, and Tommy's so I can have all the flavors!"

"Ohh that's gross!" She and Tommy squealed.

"I'm not sharing mine!" Tommy declared. "I'm gonna eat it all while you're trying to get Emma's and Mommy's."

"No worries, buddy. You can have your whole cone. Linda, would you mind leaving your car here and I'll bring you back afterward?"

She nodded bashfully.

The kids ran ahead of us to my car as Linda and I strolled. "Thank you for this," she said quietly. "They've missed you terribly and I haven't been great with you gone. I hope you know that I love you, but I will support you no matter what you decide."

"Let's forget about the future and the past for the next hour. Let's just enjoy the moment."

Linda ate her ice cream super slowly. It took an hour and a half to get them back to her car. "Kids, go ahead and get strapped into Mom's car, she'll be there in a minute."

"Thank you so much for this, James. We needed it so much! Will you consider coming by for a family dinner one night this week?"

"Sure, just let me know which night. Let me walk you to your car."

"How about tomorrow?"

"Okay

I opened her door for her and gathered her into my arms for a comfortable hug. I wasn't ready to expand our intimacy at this point but I didn't want her to feel rejected. I settled for kissing her lightly on her left cheek. "Good night, Linda. I'll see you at dinner tomorrow."

****

"How much longer do you have on your lease?" Linda asked after dinner and the kids had gone to bed. It had been so nice to tuck them into the comfort of their beds rather than the air mattresses they used at my apartment.

"6 days."

"...Oh...do you know what you're going to do yet?" she asked apprehensively.

"What do you want?" I asked her directly.

She slid off of the sofa and knee-walked to me as I sat in the upholstered chair. Her hands trembled as she extended my wedding band to me. I hadn't worn it since the day that she had returned home.

"Please, James, come back to me and be my husband again. I have never wanted anything more in my life," she whispered. Her eyes were filled with fear as she waited for my response.

"I'll meet you halfway," I responded after a long moment.

She nodded but her tears were falling rapidly.

"Linda, I'm just now starting to believe that we could be a couple again. I will move back to our house but I'm not ready to share a bed with you. Can you handle that?"

She nodded her affirmation but didn't voice her approval. I could tell that she was both relieved and disappointed.

"I'm willing to work on it with you," I said quietly. "But that's the best I can give you right now."

Again she nodded but wouldn't look me in the face. For the first time in forever, I felt sympathy and compassion for her.

"Come here, baby," I commanded and pulled her into my lap. She quickly buried her face into my neck and wept.

"I'm so sorry, J..J..." she tried to get out

"Look at me, Linda," I whispered in her ear. She looked into my eyes with her tear-filled eyes. "I know that you are and I have forgiven you but we're starting over here and all we can do is try."

"Okay, I know, it's just that I am so afraid you don't want me back. I'm terrified that you're just coming back for Emma and Tommy, and when they're gone, you'll leave too. I know that's what I deserve but I don't want to ever be without you again."

I caressed her cheek with my hand and looked into her eyes. "I know that you weren't trying to call me Jay but I think I like it. What do you think? Do I look like a Jay to you?"

"You look like the sexiest, kindest, most wonderful man that I have ever seen. I would be happy to call you whatever you like for as long as you like," she said with a smile through her tears.

I pulled her lips to mine and kissed them gently. It wasn't a toe-curling passionate kiss. It was a tentative and curious exploration of what might still be there. Linda let me set the pace but I could feel her whole body respond to my lips and hands. She sought connection with both as if they were water in a salt flat.

We parted after a few moments but her eyes remained closed. She immediately snuggled back into my chest and sighed contentedly. "Thank you," she murmured.

"I've got to go back to my place," I said quietly after a few minutes.

"Okay, if you want to but I would be happy to get the spare room ready for you tonight."

"No, not yet. I need to finish the separation as we agreed. I will be back at the end of my lease."

She nodded her acceptance with pain on her face.

"I would like to get back to having family dinners. I think it would help the kids adjust," I added.

"That would be wonderful. I have watched them hurt for these past few months and my heart breaks because I know it's my fault. I have to find a way to apologize to them in a way they can understand."

"I'm sure they will forgive you."

"I hope so but I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. I was a completely self-absorbed bitch and it ripped my family apart. It will take the rest of my life to make things right but I want to so badly. I don't want to be a self-centered bitch anymore."

I looked at her with the earnest expression on her face and I believed her. I wanted to believe her. I wanted to love her and be loved by her. "What time should I be here for dinner tomorrow night?"

"Come whenever you're ready and stay as long as you like but we'll plan to eat at 6."

"See you tomorrow evening. Good night, Linda."

"Good night, Jay. I love you so much."

I nodded and went out to my car.

****

The family dinners went well. Linda was on her best behavior as she tried to demonstrate how much she regretted her decision and actions. On the Saturday that I moved back in, she and the kids threw me a small welcome-home party with all of my favorites including German chocolate cake.

We watched a movie in a sheet tent that Tommy and Emma had constructed for us. They had Linda and I sit in the tent while they played the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast for us. I wasn't sure if that's how they saw me but I couldn't disagree with his temperament.

Before the movie ended Emma was asleep beside me and Tommy was snuggled up next to Linda. "Thank you so much for being here tonight, Jay," she said as she stroked Tommy's hair. "It meant so much to them and even more to me."

"Let's get them to bed," I replied quietly.

It took less than 10 minutes to get them comfortably into their beds. I knew that Linda was going to want to talk about us and what was next. Honestly, I was looking forward to the conversation because I had an idea about how I wanted to move forward. It was the first time since all of this began that I wanted to talk to her.

"You know, you can have our room and I'll sleep in the guest room," she started.

"I appreciate that but I don't want to upset the kids if they come looking for you."

"They wouldn't be disappointed to find you instead of me, Jay. They love you and have missed you so much these past few months."

"What have you told them?"

"That I messed up. That I had broken some of my promises to you. That I had tricked you and left you by yourself on a special night."

"How did they respond to all of that?" I asked surprised that she had shared so much with our young children.

"They told me that I should tell you that I was sorry and I should take responsibility for my actions. I could hear all the lessons that we've taught them being parroted back to me and it crushed me all over again."

"Thank you for being honest with them and not making me the bad guy. It would have been easier on you."

"Maybe but I have to own this. I hope that they'll be able to understand and forgive me one day," she said as her chin began to tremble.

"Just keep loving them and being a great mom to them. I'm sure that it will turn out okay."

"It'll be easier if you're here showing them how. I know that I keep apologizing but I'm not sure what else to do..." Tears were flowing down her cheeks as she tried to contain herself and avoid sobbing yet again.

"Linda, we've been through this and we can't keep going back to it. I have and do forgive you. I'm trying to let it stay in the past but that's impossible if you keep bringing it up."

"I know Jay but until we're back together as a couple again... That's not fair of me. I'm sorry for what I was about to say."

"Thank you, I appreciate that you stopped yourself. I'm willing to try if you are but I'm not the same man anymore. You may not even like me anymore."

"James, I'm going to spend the rest of my life in love with you. No. Matter. What."

"Linda, I'm not looking for promises from you right now..." Her breath caught in her throat and I was afraid that she was about to have a meltdown. "Let me finish, I don't want emotional promises made because of guilt or obligation."

"But I do love you!" she inserted. "I know that you've changed because of all of this Jay, but deep down you're still the man that I picked to spend my life with. I'm not the woman that I thought I was but I do know that you're the man I always believed you are. If you walk away from me, from us, then I will spend the rest of my life alone because no one could replace you."

"Maybe you believe that right now, but we've been apart for more than 4 months now, Linda. We've been withdrawn for even longer than that. It won't be like it was before; it's going to be a lot harder for both of us."

She nodded through her tears with her arms wrapped protectively around herself. "I know but I want to try. Please."

"That's why I'm here, baby. I don't want to lose any more than I already have. Thank you for tonight; I enjoyed it. Have a good night."

"Jay... can I kiss you and hug you goodnight?"

"Yeah, let's get ready for bed and then I'll meet you at your bedroom door."

"10 minutes?"

"Sounds good."

I hoped that she wouldn't try to seduce me the first night back in the house. I needed more time to even consider sex with Linda. I had been celibate for our entire separation. Even masturbating was beyond me since that night. Every time I thought about sex I could see Linda in the arms of that Asshole on the dance floor. I wasn't sure that I wouldn't vomit if she came at me in lingerie. Thankfully, we were more in sync than I thought possible after our separation. She met me at her door in yoga pants and a T-shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra but she wasn't overtly trying to seduce me.

"Would you like to come in, Jay? I promise I won't push it. We can sit and talk if you like."

I paused and looked at her. There was apprehension in her face. This is how I wanted to start. I wanted to try to build some emotional intimacy before we thought about sex. "Sure, we can talk a little bit longer."

I was rewarded with her very best smile. It was a joy to see it. We climbed up on the bed that we had previously shared. I wish I could say that it was easy and I enjoyed every moment but the truth is that it was difficult for me to be so close to her in this situation. She could feel my anxiety and tried to put me at ease by not crowding me too much.

"I'm sorry it's taken me so long to ask this question, Jay; I have been focused on myself like a selfish bitch but I'm working on it. What do you want, baby?"

"What do you mean, Linda?"

"Where do you want to go from here? I want you back in my life as my husband but I know that I can't drag you back here if this isn't where you want to be. You have a beautiful dream and I destroyed it and I can't undo that. So, I guess I'm asking do you still want to be my husband or are you simply doing this for our babies?"

"That's a complicated question, Linda. I'm not ever going to be the man I once was; I don't want to be him. As far as being your husband again, I'm not going to lie, if the kids weren't here then I wouldn't be either, but they are so..."

"You don't have to stay, James," Linda interrupted me with tears streaming down her face. "I'll never keep them from you..."

"It's not that simple, Linda," I continued. "If I leave then eventually our family will finish coming apart. You're a beautiful woman and it won't take you long to find someone to replace me."

"You're wrong!" she jumped in but stopped when I held up my hand.

"No, I'm not. You would start dating at some point not too far off. Then you would find someone that makes you happy and he would eventually move into the role I used to have. I might eventually decide to date again but I can't see myself committing to anyone so it would just be a bunch of shallow hookups. I can't imagine how screwed up that would leave Emma and Tommy."

"James, I could never replace you - not in my heart and certainly not in theirs. So, you're here for the kids, where does that leave us?"

"I'm going to try to be a husband to you again, Linda, but it will take some time for us to build trust again. In the meantime, let's keep it light and try to see if there's still a spark."

"Jay, there's more than a spark in my heart. I would do anything to show how much I still love you and how attracted I am to you."

"Anything?"

She looked at me with a resolute expression, "Yeah, anything."

"What I'm asking for won't be easy but..."

"I'll do it," Linda promised solemnly.

"I want revenge on Marc for seducing you and I want it to be as public as possible."

Trouble immediately swept over her face and I was afraid she was already having second thoughts. "How?" she asked quietly.

"I want to record you talking about the experience while emphasizing all of the worst parts of it, then I want to upload it to the internet. I am also going to recruit some of the other women that Asshole has seduced to be a part of my project."

"James, won't you get in trouble?! I don't want to lose you if there's any possibility of us being together. Please don't do anything that will take you away from the kids and me."

I stared at her with a hard expression until she quietly whispered, "Whatever you want, James."

"Thank you, Linda, I know this won't be easy for you but that bastard has to pay for what he's done."

****

Linda cried throughout her video and the night that followed. I had some compassion for her and held her in our bed until she fell asleep. She looked at me the next morning and said, "Thank you, James. No matter how this turns out, that night will be my biggest regret and my darkest shame. I love you so much and hope this will help you heal."

"Are you sure you still love me? I won't blame you if you want to walk away."

"Jay, that was humiliating but I did it to myself. You endured so much worse. If you'll still have me, even though I'm now a known slut, then I will be yours forever."

"Are you still a slut, Linda? Will you do it again?"

I knew that my question hurt but she endured it well and told me, "No Jay, I'm yours and yours alone for as long as you'll have me."

I pulled her to me and kissed her, hard. "I love you, Linda. Through all of this, I have been angry, broken-hearted, and depressed but I have always loved you and will always love you. We'll find our way back together as long as that's what we both truly want."

"I will be your faithful, loving wife until the day I die. My love, my body, my loyalty, and devotion are to you and you alone."

"I will hold you to your promise and pledge the same to you."

"Will you sleep with me tonight? In our bed, please. I never want to sleep separated from you ever again."

"I'll be there but sleep isn't what I have in mind. I've been living like a bachelor for more than 6 months now."

A shy smile spread across her face. "Jay, you have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. Anything that you would like me to wear... or not wear?"

"Let's take it slow and enjoy the time reconnecting without too many distractions."

"Sounds perfect."

We had a good Sunday afternoon. I could tell that Linda was anxious to get the kids to bed but I wouldn't let her rush them even though I was feeling the excitement too. Emma and Tommy had been pushed to the back enough and I was going to ensure that they were not continual casualties of this entire ugly mess.

We played like they talked about during the snow days before the world went, hopefully, temporarily insane. We had dinner and played together in the living room until Linda called them away individually for their baths. Tommy had to go first so I had Emma to myself for a few minutes.

"Daddy, I'm soooo glad you're home. Our house is better when you and Mommy are here together," she told me as we played on the floor. "I hope you don't go away again."

"I'm here to stay, Sweet Pea. I love you so much that I can't stand the thought of being away anymore."

"I love you too, Daddy. Mommy and Tommy do too. We're all glad that you're back home. Can we have a sleepover in the living room tonight?"

"Not tonight, baby. I'm going to sleep next to Mommy tonight."

A huge smile spread across her face. "You are!?" she asked with a giggle. "I'm so glad, Daddy. Mommies and daddies are supposed to sleep next to each other."

"Really? Are you sure that you're not just hoping that you'll have your own room soon?" I asked with a little smile.

"Daddy!" she said with fake exasperation and a smile

"Emma, your turn," we heard Linda shout.

"Good night, Daddy. I love you," she said as she hugged me and went to take her bath.

"Good night, Sweet Pea, I love you too."

15 minutes later, Linda walked into the living room and said, "I'm going to get ready for bed. Please come on up as soon as you're ready."

I could hear the nervousness in her voice and felt it in the pit of my stomach as well. I loved Linda but I wasn't sure that we would ever fully recover sexually. We both had limited experiences before we got together. Neither of us was a virgin but we did most of our learning and experimenting together. Now she had slept with a man with a man that had a thousand times the amount of experience and expertise that I possessed. Would our love life ever be as satisfying to her as her one night with the Asshole? Would I ever be able to exorcise the demons that I feared would appear the moment we began to couple?

When I came into our bedroom, I saw Linda was in one of my dress shirts. Her long legs disappeared under the hem but I could see glimpses of her lacy boy shorts panties as she moved. I stopped just inside the door and turned to close it and lock it.

"Hey, baby," she said softly, tentatively.

"That what you normally wear to bed these days?" I asked her quietly.

"Ever since you left. I wear one of your old shirts and cry myself to sleep. I kept rotating them so that I could keep your scent on them as long as possible. This is the last one that still smells like you."

"I'm so nervous right now, Linda. I'm not sure what you expect but in my mind your former lover..."

"Jay, he is not and was not my lover. He's a fucking asshole. You are the only person who's ever been my true lover. He seduced me, and I was a willing participant, but I never, ever want to experience anything like that again. It was horrible."