February Sucks - Jim's Birthday

Preface:

Yup, yet another febsux alternate ending. In case anyone doesn't know, this is an alternate ending of George Anderson's story, 'February Sucks'.

https://www.literotica.com/s/february-sucks

Certain variances are drawn from Cockatoo's story 'February Sucks: Same old me'.

This diverges from the original shortly before Linda's birthday.

There's forgiveness in this, but no reconciliation. I suppose it's a BTB, but not necessarily a happy one.

I know this is not an entirely accurate representation of AA, it's meetings, or even any given sobriety birthday.

It is fiction, and I've used that program which has helped many as a plot device. I like to think that the program actually helped my Jim in ways greater and deeper than he ever expected, and helped him grow into a much better man.

----------------------------------------

"My name is Jim, and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Jim" chorused the round of voices in return.

"I'd like to thank you all for coming today, to celebrate my fifth birthday with me. I haven't had a drink since the day I killed my wife. I'd especially like to thank Bob. Bob, I appreciate each and every cup of coffee and late night phone call that you've spent with me, helping me through these last four years, helping me see past the struggles and stresses without dropping to the bottle to carry me through."

There had been a little titter at that opening, there always was before a new crowd. In fact, that was one of my guilty pleasures, having people react to the knowledge that I had done such a horribly final thing.

"Some of you know my story. Most of you know of my story. For those of you who haven't heard it, I'll retell what led me here, and how my life has changed since."

I could see some interested faces. As well as a few 'extras' who had showed up tonight though they were not regulars, three of my remaining friends were present, as were my once in-laws and my children.

"I've been sober since late afternoon on a warm Saturday in June, five years ago. My last drink was sometime about eleven thirty that morning.

My life had been a downward spiral. On February 29th that year, my marriage had hit a pothole in the road which seemed to take the wheels off. In just one night, the bottom fell out of my world. After a couple of months, we were really struggling to get past the things that happened that night, but my wife was trying to say all the right things, even if those things weren't enough for what I needed to hear and see. I spent a lot of time in a little public house called the Willing Mind, with a pint in my hand and a waitress who always had a sympathetic ear. I'd treat myself to bourbon on good days, and also on particular difficult ones. I guess that got more and more frequent...

Then that Friday evening, Linda's best friend called. Linda said she was in a panic, because she and her husband had a big blowout fight. Linda needed to go and console her, it shouldn't be a big deal, it was just for the evening. About an hour later, Linda called to tell me that her friend was already beyond caring for herself, and Linda would spend the night there. I heard laughing in the background, to which Linda responded that her friend was completely out of it and not making any sense.

I really can't tell you much of what happened after that, a lot of what you will hear is what has been reconstructed since.

I do know that I called some friends right away, and asked them if my kids could have a sleepover with theirs that night, because I was having a particularly hard night. I'm told I seemed reasonably together when I dropped Emma and Tommy off, but I did smell like I was already tying one on.

Phil and Jan, I can't thank you enough for what you did looking after my kids on the second lowest day of my life and the couple of months following. Know that I am forever grateful, and I expect you'd hear the same from Lindas parents.

We can only guess I was running away. I didn't really have anywhere to go. At 6 AM on that Saturday morning, I apparently somehow bluffed my way through renting a big SUV at the airport despite whatever I'd had to drink at that point in time. I must've returned to the house to fill it with almost all of my clothes, some of my other personal effects, and the bedding that Linda and I had slept on our last night together. I scrawled a note for Linda that she could pick up our safe, reliable family car at the airport.

They've looked at my phone's records, and it doesn't look like I had any sort of plan. My routes made no sense at all. I left town headed north, then I turned west. That might make sense if I were escaping to family, but then I spent the next three or so hours, driving confused circles all the way around the outside of town. The record of my travels looks like I was halfway through making the little swirls around a child's drawing of sunshine. I do know for certain the records show that at 11:15 I was crossing a state highway just off the interstate south west of town in an area with big semi-rural mansions. I must've been some kind of lost, because I had gone around in a circle twice, both times, crossing the state highway, and then backing back onto it to head north to get back on the interstate. The reconstruction team estimates that the car I hit was travelling well over 100 miles an hour on that little two-lane road. That means that the two of us could only possibly have been in that same physical space for an instant, yet we were, just barely. The skid marks show that I had only just clipped the rear end of the car, if I had been a moment slower, none of this would have happened.

They tell me the car slid out of control, then down the embankment and rolled several times. There wasn't much left of what had been a beautiful, classic, convertible Ferrari. I do remember knowing that this was bad, really bad, and dialling 911. When the police arrived sometime later, I was sitting in the roadway, the dregs of a bottle of bourbon in my hand, and there were empty cans of beer strewn inside and out of the rental truck.

I failed my sobriety test, of course."

There were some snickers at that, very very quietly.

"I was taken in and charged with DWI. I blew almost double the legal limit. Almost immediately afterwards I was told that they were adding two counts of vehicular homicide. I was beside myself.

My actions that day had cost two other people their lives. We soon learned that my actions also took their mother from my children. The next morning, police started to come to my cell with more questions, ones which didn't seem to make sense. It turns out Linda had not been at her friend's that morning, she was in that Ferrari, with the asshole football player who had destroyed our marriage in February. They were, according to the phone call she had made 30 minutes prior to the friend who was covering for her, rushing back to town to get to her friend's in time that I might believe she had been there. If only she had been there, maybe I would simply have crashed into a ditch and hurt no one but myself.

I knew then and there that I needed help. I started counselling, and meetings, as soon as they bailed me out. Nothing anyone can ever do will ever bring them back. Nothing I can say will ever change the horrible finality of my actions. I will have to live with this weight on my shoulders for all of eternity, and I understood that right away. I pled guilty as soon as I could, I wouldn't deny that I was responsible for the harm I had caused. I was sentenced to a year of prison and then probation.

Initially it was counselling and meetings in prison. After I was released, more and more meetings that helped me keep it together. It would've been so easy to just pop back over to the Willing Mind, grab another pint, and pretend that life could go on. But it couldn't. Nothing about that time could be undone, and life had changed. Many of you here have given me the strength to face that, and to face these last few years.

With each meeting, with each step, I became strengthened little by little to carry the burden that I have created. With each kind word of encouragement from Bob, and the rest of you, I was able to face another day, sober, face the death threats I received, the people who hated me for what I had done, or even those who didn't but might have been right to."

I was looking at Linda's father Rich as I said that. He had been civil at best, but he had never condemned me, nor lashed out, nor done anything that I was aware of to turn my children against me. At the other extreme, even in this room were people who would never forgive me for taking the hometown football hero from them in the prime of his career.

"Over the last four years, with the help of many of you here, I've gradually gotten my you-know-what together. Or at least all into one pile. I've managed to return to work, and keep a job. I've found some purpose there. Much more than that, i've learned that I am worth looking out for. It's ok for me to actively choose to work on my own interests. It's ok to prioritize my needs. It's not ok to bury those feelings, needs, and interests in anger, or sorrow, nor drown them in alcohol. And most importantly, I've learned that regardless of what has happened before, we can learn to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, or being freed from your obligation to make things right, it means letting go of all the anger that accompanies wrong actions to move forward in peace. Maybe if I had understood that before, none of you would have to be listening to me tonight."

I actually meant that.

"Forgiveness also requires penitence, and teaches gratefulness.

To Bob, to all of you, I offer my most sincere thanks. I really could not have done it alone, but most of you know that already. I apologize for every time my struggles were an imposition into your life, and I thank you for each moment you took from your lives to give to mine.

I've done this before, in private. Now I'll do it again here in front of everyone.

Rich and Janice, I am eternally sorry that I could not find the strength to deal with our problems in a healthy fashion, and that my awful choices took your daughter from you. I can only imagine the heartache of losing your child, just the separation from Emma and Tommy caused by my actions has been one of the most agonizing things I have ever experienced. My actions caused you to have that pain, to have to carry that burden. They also burdened you with raising another family. I am forever grateful for the wonderful care you have provided Emma and Tommy through these awful, awful years. Your stable family through this may be the only reason my car crash didn't completely destroy their lives as well.

Phil and Jane, I've already thanked you for the immediate care of Emma and Tommy, but thank you again for that, and for hearing me out during the many sessions where I hashed out my messed up feelings during and after counseling.

Dave, I sincerely apologize for whatever role my getting between you and Dee had in the failure of your marriage. And for the damage to your front door the day I was released on bail. Thank you again for not having me rearrested."

About half the room laughed at that, some knowingly, others just as a nervous release.

"I know that the anger I brought over Dee's complicity in the failure of my marriage likely contributed to the way yours came apart even if, as you say, yours was already doomed at that point. You paid a price for remaining my friend, almost as if you picked up a yoke when you tried to help me carry my load. I think you have been the best friend I have ever had. I cannot say enough how much I appreciate that."

I paused, took a swallow from my paper cup of coffee, and several deep breaths. I was dreading this next part, not sure if I actually had the strength to get through it without breaking down even now.

"Emma and Tommy, I want to start by telling you how proud I am of both of you. I can hardly believe what wonderful young people you are becoming. It is my strongest hope that you will allow me to be a part of your journey through teens and beyond.

There is no way I can express the depth of my sorrow at the choices and actions that took from you your mother, your father, your friends, and your life as you knew it. I am eternally ashamed of that. I hope that someday you can forgive my failures, so you can have true peace moving forward. You were the innocents in all of this, and you have paid the highest price for the actions of your parents, and my choices that day. Would that I could take that away, I would give anything... no, everything. But this is not a place and time for wishing. I can never give you back what was taken from you, but please know that I have done, and will do everything I know how to help you grow through and out of the situation I created. I love you both more than anything else on earth. I am so very sorry."

No, I did not have the strength. I pulled tissues from the box beside me and did my best to dry the tears from my face.

I drank a little more coffee, and took another few calming breaths before I adjourned the meeting.

"That's it, I'm done. Thank you all for coming, and please, have some of the cake and treats over there. It'd be a shame to see it go to waste."

I really did mean every word. If I could, I would take it all back. All of this was staggeringly unfair to the kids. If I hadn't been blinded by the weakness of my unhealthy ways of demonstrating my love for Linda I would have forgiven her while she was alive, and ended our marriage peacefully and respectfully.

The support of the group and the meetings really did get me through many hard nights, particularly those filled with torturous remorse. I often wished that I had been just a second slower in reversing onto the road that day. Especially at first, I was tempted to actually drown those regrets in alcohol. Over these years I have learned to validate my feelings before they fester into rage that blinds me to the consequences of my choices.

I know I have to circulate briefly, but I really can't wait to get out of here. This party not only marked five years of meetings, it also marked the end of my probation, its mandatory drug and alcohol testing, and restrictions on leaving state. I have work to do packing up the house to move. I have already accepted a job in Raleigh, sold our house here, and have an offer pending on a suburban family house. Linda's parents are coming around to the benefits of leaving these northern winters behind in retirement, and have been looking at smaller houses close to the ocean in North Carolina. Emma and Tommy will be given completely free choice whether they stay with Linda's parents, with me, or some of both, but I'm cautiously optimistic. We have worked through many difficult issues in our relationships over the last five years, but there are still so many outstanding... A work in progress. I'm hoping that the big bedrooms, swimming pool, and neighbouring greenspaces will help them decide. I know they don't make up for any of my wrongs, but they I'm hoping they can make for a happier future.

Right now though, I have a bottle of decent champagne chilled in cooler bag in the trunk of a new Camaro convertible waiting for me in the parking lot. No, not a Maserati, but not the staid old family car that once described my life and love, either. It still has enough seats and room for the kids, and I think that they might consider themselves lucky to get to learn to drive in it as their sixteenth birthdays arrive in the not too distant future.

The champagne? Well, I've never been one to overindulge, but I've waited five years to go back and have a little drink at the scene of the crime. Then, I'm going to take the car home and get an Uber to the cemetery. I have lots to say to Linda, so I'll finish the rest of the bottle over that one sided conversation, as I celebrate my freedom.