February Sucks My Way

"Here's my final offer 5 years house arrest he has to wear a bracelet."

L. W countered 3 years and he can drive from home to work and back. And to his daughter's school and back. Oh, also church and back."

Peter stuck his handout and responded, "deal! Now let's eat I'm hungry."

L.W. informed Pete, "oh by the way we are filing charges against the two football players for assault and battery and false imprisonment. Then I am suing the shit out of both of them."

Pete with a surprise look, "how do you figure false imprisonment?" L.W. replied, "very simply they imprisoned him by preventing him from leaving."

Peter replied in astonishment. "that's a novel idea. File it and I will nail the bastards."

March 1^st three years later a small party was held at Jim's house to remove the bracelet from his ankle. Cake and ice cream were served. "Hey Jim, how are doing," asked Dave. "Ok I guess," replied Jim, how are you doing since your divorce from Dee?"

"Ok, I guess," Dave sighed. "I understand how you feel now after I found out she pulled the same stunt that Linda pulled with another athlete. She still calls every week begging me to take her back. You would have thought she would have learned from Linda's stupidity.

You know I have always had the feeling but couldn't prove it that Dee picked that night to go to the Morrisey's because she knew a Lavalliere would be there, her only problem was he chose Linda and not her. But, what I am really here for is.... well, I want you to please accept my apology I now understand fully how you were hurt." "Accepted," smiled Jim.

Dave asked, "Can we get together and let me buy your first beer.

"How about next week?" I replied with a smile on my face. Say Wednesday at the Tap House at 6."

3 years later at the family's Labor Day retreat. L. W. was holding his usual court. He was getting a little long in the tooth by then, but he was still as sharp as a tack. The only reason Jim came to these events was for the kids to see the relatives and spend an enjoyable day outside before another winter started.

Jim just sat by himself and read his books. He didn't do anything outside of caring for the kids. He had just become a recluse. He did work out to keep himself in shape and had a few hobbies. He hadn't even attempted to date anyone since the incident years ago. It seemed the modern woman wasn't inclined to date men who would kill a cheater. They didn't like his version of the one-and-done.

L.W walked over to Jim sitting in his Adirondack lounger enjoying the sun, "hey Jim I need you to repay one of those favors you owe me." I looked up to see two silhouettes standing in front of the sun that I was enjoying.

I sat up pulled down my sunglasses and when I noticed one was a woman. I stood up to introduce myself. L.W introduced the lady, "Jim this is Ellen. She is a friend of mine." I said, "hi," and stepped back away from her. She was a raven beauty she belonged in a league of her own.

I realized I was suddenly face to face with the most beautiful woman in the world. I had never imagined beauty like hers could exist. It wasn't just that she was sexy or hot, though she was all of that. She was a work of art. She should have been in some museum to be admired by the ages, except she was far too warm and alive and vital for that. Up until that moment, I'd thought that Linda was the most attractive woman in the room when I was with her, she wasn't. Compared to Ellen, Linda wasn't even close.

"Jim the favor I am calling in is for this young lady. She has a son that's Emma's age and a daughter around Tommy's. She is having some problems with her son, he is starting to become a man and could use a man's help. And I know you need the help of a woman with Emma from time to time. L.W. started chucking. "Jim, are you ok, do you need some oxygen? I'll leave you two alone."

"Do you mind," Ellen asked as she pointed towards the other chair? I recovered enough to say, "please sit." And we both sat down.

She looked at me and took a deep breath and spoke, "I am divorced, and the father doesn't want anything to do with me or the children." I thought to myself this guy has to be an idiot but then I remembered what Linda pulled on me.

I need a man in my son's life. He is still angry at me over the divorce and is starting to rebel against me. If I open my mouth he goes off on me with such hate and vitriol. And from what L.W. tells me you are starting to have trouble with Emma. She is starting to turn into a young woman and her emotions are starting to cry havoc with your home life. Has she started her periods yet?"

I laughed from embarrassment and put my hands over my ears and started chanting, "la, la, la." Ellen started laughing at me. I finally shook my head and replied, "I never even thought about that."

"Well, I'll offer my services as a surrogate mom, if you will act as a big brother to my son."

I listened and then asked, "Did L.W. tell you about me. I might not be such a great role model for anyone."

Smiling she replied, "yes he did, he gave me your life story and what happened that faithful night. I thought about that. But I concluded it might make my son think twice about going after a married woman in the future. He might have to deal with a pissed-off husband. Of course, if the matter comes up in the future you can discuss it with him."

"To tell you the truth when I found my Ex and his secretary together. If I had a gun I would have shot them also."

"Before we go any further I wasn't a saint either. I was a high-end escort in my early years that's how I know L.W. Jim started laughing, "you and L.W?" with a surprising look.

She giggles, "no I am not his type." That took the smile right off my face. She started laughing, "no silly he not gay, he likes them let's say a little plumper, well a whole lot, plumper than me. He used to get together with my roommate." I was howling.

She told me she was a professional model before becoming an escort. She explained that her Ex knew what she did when they met but she quit when they went exclusive. But after they had kids he changed. Every man they ran into thought she had fucked him and was laughing at him behind his back. It was just too embarrassing for him, he couldn't handle it.

I replied, "as far as you doing it for money, I am here to tell you the biggest prostitution racket in the world is marriage. Trust me when I say the most expensive piece of ass I ever got was my deceased wife. It cost me my soul and I bet most men would agree with that."

"And as far as you being an escort, when you are through for the day you can go home and take a shower and you are as clean as the day you were born. But an asshole no matter how much you wipe and wash it. It is still an asshole." She laughed.

"To tell you the truth my daughter looks like a tramp with the way she wears her makeup, maybe you can help her out. Does your son like to fish? I take my son about once a month. Maybe we can have boys and girls day out separate."

"I want you to know I am not looking for any type of romantic relationship after what I went through I hope you can understand."

She replied, "I know about that. The first thing I tell any man that wants to date me is about my past and my kids. That seems to scare them away or they want to just take me to bed, but I am not having any of that. How about friends with no benefits then?" I responded, "deal."

"Emma, come here" I yelled for her. Come here I want you to meet Ellen she used to be a professional model."

20 years later.

Looking at the sun setting over the Gulf of Mexico from my home in Boca Raton. I sat back to enjoy March 1^st because February was over. I still get sad over the events that occurred in my past, especially sometimes when I look at my daughter, she is the spitting image of Linda.

L.W. was 95 when he finally passed away five years ago. Being single with no heirs he left me his fortune and with the millions in lawsuits I won, I'll never have to work again.

With our older kids out of the house now it was just the youngest L.W. and Natalie now. I yelled, "Ellen honey do you need help with the Margaritas?" Yea, I know what you're asking, did we finally do the dirty deed. My big brain said no but my little one had no qualms about doing it."

We had a long discussion after she got pregnant about marriage. She assured me her only fantasy was just to be my loving housewife and go home every night with her loving husband. She informed me she had been with famous men before. A few were nice but most were narcissist assholes.

She told me the most famous one of them all was an author. I think his last name was Anderson or something like that, never heard of him.

I have only one problem in my life now, it's Natalie. You see she is also spitting image of her mother Ellen, that's enough explanation. I have already asked Ellen if I could tattoo "15 years old "on her forehead. Can you believe it, she refused to let me do it and because of that, I keep my Glock 45 loaded with hollow points.

Well, that's the end of how a cheating wife killer and an ex-high-end escort met and married. There's got to be a story in there somewhere.

*

Authors Notes: If I find a story that I think my wife would like to read I forward it to her. She likes what I call Cheating wives' comedy stories. I sent her the original version of February sucks. She read 3 pages and got so pissed she couldn't sleep that night. She never finished it.

She later told me no women would be stupid enough to do that. Then I cluttered the issue with facts, that always pisses her off. I reminded her of the lady in the forward. That made her madder.