February Sucks - Serendipity

This is based on George Andersons ground-breaking story "February Sucks". I think it touched a nerve with every insecure, middle aged husband who read it. My understanding is that this story is open to everyone on the community -- If I am wrong then please accept my apologies. I used UK English spelling.

My version starts just after the confrontation with the "friends". There is no sex in this story.

"I turned on my heal and walked out of the club"

Looking back, I must have had a little breakdown. I don't know how I got my car; I don't remember the drive -- the next thing I remember is my mom opening the door of my boyhood home.

"Jim, what the hell are you doing here? Its Ten o'clock at night" then she looked into my face.

"Oh my god -- what's happened, come in and tell your old mom." She led me into the house, then I just put my head on her shoulder and wept my heart out. Mom made comforting noises, while slowly (between the sobs) drawing the story out of me. It took several telling's before she would even begin to believe what Linda had done.

I allowed myself to be led upstairs to my old bedroom and mom helped me get ready for bed, she even tucked me in. I guess I collapsed because the next thing I remembered was being woken up by a loud engine and banging of doors. My phone said it was 1:00am, looking out of the window I saw my neighbour across the road stagger drunkenly out of his F250, fiddle with his house keys and finally disappear indoors. I could plainly see that he had left the keys in the door.

'I should really go and get those keys for him' I thought. I knew my mom always put on the house alarm and it would go off if I opened the front door; I didn't want to bother with it. Besides, mom never knew about my secret exit. Reverting to my teenage years, I extracted the secret tin from behind the air vent. The tin contained a window key, a specially shaped piece of metal and a very dried up joint. I unlocked the window and fooled the alarm by slipping the metal over the alarm sensor. A blast of cold air greeted me as I silently opened the window.

Looking down I realised I was in my old pyjamas -- oh well. Slipping on my shoes and a pair of gloves, I climbed out of the window, across the small eave and slipped (literally -- it was icy) down the trellis. Using my phone as a torch, I made my way to the door, god it was cold. I extracted the keys, fully intending to post them through the letter box. Suddenly I looked at my phone and a though hit me; 'Find my Phone'. I could use 'Find my phone' to locate Linda!

I immediately started the app and there it was, the location of her phone.

A new resolve overtook me, pulling on the hoodie that I found on the passenger seat, I started the F250 threw it into reverse and set off to find her. A forty-five-minute drive later (fifteen minutes down a narrow private road) and I was stopped outside a very sturdy, very closed gate through a very high wall -- now what?

I noticed a track off to the left, going round the perimeter. Throwing the F250 in 4WD, I set off. Some way down the track, I came to a small pedestrian gate. Stopping the truck, I checked it and found it locked. A length of rope in the truck bed gave me an idea. It only took moments to tie the rope through the bars of the gate and hook it to the truck. I had hoped I would pull the whole gate off the wall, like on the movies; instead, the lock just gave out in a quite disappointing way.

Checking my phone again, 'yep, this was the place'; I walked through the gate and down a short path. This led to the back door to the garage which was to the left of the mansion. Maybe being in the middle of nowhere security was lax, maybe I was just lucky; but the garage door was open. In the darkness I could make out the low sleek shapes of several sports cars. Shining my phone around, I saw a door was marked "Security Office".

'Oh Shit, security!' panicking I pushed open the door and rushed in, only to find it empty. The room was lit by a bank of four monitors showing the gate, the front of the house, the back of the house and a bedroom. No prizes for guessing which bedroom, there must have been some sort of infra-red lighting, because I could clearly see my beloved ex-wife cuddled up to Arsehole; they were asleep.

On the desk was a camera control box and next to it was a box of DVDs.

The wall on the right held the fire panel and below that, a big red valve marked "Fire Main" and clipped to the wall, a big red fire axe and some flares. An idea started to form in my mind, checking the main garage I found a jerry can that sloshed. The contents smelled right, gasoline. Taking a risk, I hit the button to open the garage front door. Panicking when the light came on, I quickly grabbed the fire axe and smashed the globe. Checking the security cameras, they both continued to doze.

First I shut off the fire main stopcock; then I splashed the gas over the cars in the garage laying a trail to the Ferrari parked at the front of the house. Cutting through the soft-top with the fire axe, I liberally dosed it all over.

Since I didn't want to leave a recording, I grabbed the camera control box and the box of DVD's and ran them to the F250. Shivering with cold I pulled the hood tight around my head.

Not knowing who was in the house, and not wanting to commit murder, I switched the alarm panel to "Test" -- a loud hooting alarm started.

I ran to the Ferrari and tossed the flare into it. The flames immediately engulfed it with a loud "whoump" sound. Watching the flames follow the trail and take hold in the garage was extremely satisfying.

My plan had been to sucker punch arsehole as he rushed out of the house, then maybe kick him in the groin. You must believe me when I tell you that I never intended what followed.

Unbeknown to me, Linda had been awoken by the garage door opening. (allegedly) coming to her senses and (allegedly) wracked with guilt she had grabbed a robe, dug her phone out of her purse and rushed downstairs. Desperate to get away, but with no car, she had rung Dee, giving the GPS location and begging Dee to come and collect her.

That's how she happened to be at the front door of the house when the Ferrari burst into flames. She must have seen an axe wielding maniac silhouetted against the flames and in a fit of righteous indignation decided to take me on.

I discovered all this when a half-naked Linda grabbed the fire axe and tried to wrestle it from me. We struggled for a moment, then she pulled it out of my hand. The heavy axe swung backwards just as a naked arsehole rushed out of the house. The beak of the fire axe embedded itself in his right knee, severing the Patella and Cruciate ligaments and destroying the meniscus -- oops!

Arsehole collapse backwards, smacking his head on a step and mercifully knocking himself unconscious. Trying to help, I pulled the axe out of his knee and handed it to Linda who seemed to be going into shock. Linda dropped the axe and it fell between his legs.

'Wow, lucky it didn't hit anything.' I thought, then looking down, I saw the blood shining in the floodlights. Pulling the axe away, I was relieved to see that it had not severed any arteries; however, it had obliquely cut through his cock about 2 inches from the base. For some reason I grabbed it; just as full-blown panic set in.

I ran for the side gate and the sanctuary of the F250. Realising I was holding the severed penis, I threw it through the garage door, straight into the flames.

Not wanting to return to the main gate, I drove further down the trail, my luck held as it came out onto a main road. Sometime later a police car and a fire engine sped past me going the other way.

Shaking with fear, I somehow drove to mom's house. I carefully parked the F250 and posted the keys into the letterbox.

In a dream, I hid the camera controller and the box of DVD's inside the old woodstore, then I climbed back into my old room. After closing and locking the window, I replaced the tin and collapsed into the bed.

I guess Mom let me sleep in, because my phone said it was 10:30am when I got up. What a nightmare I thought. I brushed my teeth, found some clothes that fit and headed downstairs. I walked into the kitchen and sat at the table; Mom pushed a plate of pancakes in front of me. I was halfway through the second one when she turned on the news. The TV screen filled with pictures of a burning mansion, flashing red lights and Linda, my wife, barely clad in a satin gown being pushed, handcuffed into the back of a police car.

"Oh my God, it wasn't a dream!" I shouted as the events of the previous evening and night came flooding back. Linda had deserted me -- she had cheated -- I had set fire to the house, all of it had really happened!

"His injuries are not thought to be life threatening, but according to one source (and I quote) 'his right leg has been all but severed at the knee'" -- the TV reporter gleefully announced.

'Well at least I'm not a murderer', I thought.

"Jim, Jim snap out of it", Mom shook me. "You have to go and collect the kids and bring them here, do you understand -- you CANNOT go to your house. Go collect the kids and come straight back here."

Thank god for mom -- she was always level headed in a crisis. With only a fraction of my brain functioning, I grabbed my keys and set off to Mrs. Porter's house to collect Emma and Tommy. Mrs. Porter asked if we had had a pleasant evening -- I fobbed her off and hurried to load the kids into the back of the car. They chatted on happily then Emma noticed we were heading to Grandma's house. I just explained that as a special extra treat, we would all be having a sleepover.

"Is Mom at Grandma's?" asked Tommy.

"No, Mom had to go somewhere and will join us in a day or two". I explained nervously.

When we pulled into Grandma's house, she opened the door to greet us and the two kids shot past me into her arms.

"Emma, Tommy, you will be staying here for a couple of days. Emma you will have Jemma's old room and Tommy will be in the spare room. Later on, your dad will go and collect some of your stuff. Now off and play -- be careful in the back garden, Grandma's burning some old rubbish."

"Jim, come into the kitchen, I'll make some fresh coffee."

I'd no sooner sat down than my phone went off with Linda's ringtone.

"Jim darling there's been a huge misunderstanding. Marc got hurt and they think it was me. I'm trying to get it cleared up."

"Where are you Linda?"

"Well, um, we are at the court house in town. They won't let us out until someone posts bail and I don't have any credit cards on me, my purse is, um elsewhere..."

"Who's us?, who's with you?"

"Um, well Dee... She got arrested too..."

"What were the charges?"

"That's not important, it's all just a silly mistake, darling, please come and get me. Dave refused to talk to Dee." She sobbed.

"Tell me what they charged you with Linda."

"Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, and poor Dee was charged with conspiracy and arson. None of it is true and when Marc wakes up he'll tell them."

"Well, maybe when Marc wakes up he will bail you out -- because as far as I'm concerned, you can rot in hell." I disconnected.

'Oh shit, this is getting real' I phoned LW my lawyer and told him that Linda had been arrested.

"I'll head straight down there" he offered.

"Not so fast, I'm also divorcing her."

"What? You're joking!"

"No I'm not LW -- I'm sorry to say I'm deadly serious -- we are getting divorced. Linda has been arrested for 'Aggravated Assault with a deadly weapon', what I need you to do is to get a restraining order to prevent her coming near me, the kids or the house."

"Well I'm shocked, I'll check the facts and if it's as you say, the restraining order will be easy to get. Jim I don't understand what has happened -- but I am so sorry."

"Not as sorry as I am LW -- speak soon, bye."

Next open the banking app, report her credit cards and her phone as stolen. That should disable her accesses to the app and cut off any money.

Curiosity got the better of me and I called Dave.

"Hi Dave, what the hell is going on?"

"You tell me buddy, after you left, Dee and I had a hell of a row -- You were right, she had helped Linda to cheat. We left and went home soon after you. Then in the middle of the night, she gets a phone call. Apparently Linda needed picking up. Well that sparked a new row. I told her to drop Linda as a friend, but she insisted on going. Finally I agreed, but I was worried about the weather so told her to leave the Lexus and take my Ford."

"Then this morning, Dee rings me from the court house and asked me to post bail for her and Linda. 'Fuck NO' I said. I don't know what sort of shit those two have gotten into, but they both disgust me. I'm washing my hands of both the bitches -- no offense Jim."

"None taken -- Linda is now my Ex-wife, I'm cutting her loose. I'm applying for a restraining order, I suggest you do the same."

So, you're probably wondering what the hell happened? Long story short -- Despite having half his dick cut off, Arsehole did not bleed out (something to do with it being so cold they said at the trial); his knee was wrecked and that ended his NFL career, having half a dick ended his womanising career.

That night, Dee arrived at the main gate, took one look at the blazing mansion, turned Dave's F250 around and sped back down the drive. Only to run into (literally) a police car heading towards the fire. Caught fleeing the scene of a crime, the police collected her up and carried on to the house where they found a badly injured Arsehole and a hysterical half naked woman holding an axe and screaming about being attacked by a 'Ninja'. The house burnt to the ground, apparently with the fire main shut, there was no water to fight the fire.

Following up on Linda's crazy story about a 'Ninja', the police came to my mom's house, checked out my bedroom, checked out the alarm logs and took away the clothes I had worn that evening and my pyjamas. They looked behind the vent, but there was nothing there. I also noticed that Mom gave them my light blue pyjamas, not the black silk ones I had worn that night. I nearly said something, then Mom caught my eye and winked. I panicked when they searched the woodstore, but somehow, it was empty.

"Mom, have you seen my black pyjamas lately?'

"I think they may have been accidentally burnt dear."

"Oh, any idea what happened to the box that was in the woodshed?"

"I'm sure it'll turn up dear."

And it did, the box of DVD's turned up at the back door of the sleeziest newspaper in the state. Somehow, all the videos of Arsehole and his whores ended up online. That's how the DA linked Linda and Dee to Arsehole. Apparently, one of the whores had a husband who was so distraught over his wife's cheating that he killed himself on Valentines day. It was purely coincidental that he was a friend of Linda and Dee, but the DA worked it into a motive.

The story the DA told in court was that the two women hatched up a plan to get revenge for their friend. Linda would distract him while Dee set fire to the house. Linda went psycho' and attacked him with an axe. Dee panicked and fled. They had planned to pin the whole thing on me -- but that was thwarted because they were caught (literally) red handed and I had an unbreakable alibi. All the evidence fitted, the finger prints, the tire tracks to the side gate, the sudden inexplicable cheating. Linda's defence that there was a 'Ninja' just sounded ridiculous. I guess I should have confessed, but one of us was going down so...

It was a slam dunk -- Linda pled down to Assault and was sentenced to 5 years (3 years with good behaviour). Dee got 6 months in a low security prison. An added wrinkle -- arseholes house was insured through a Sicilian Family Business. They had already lost a fortune on Arsehole and had no intention of paying out for the house. Dee was offered immunity, $50 grand and protection in prison if she signed a statement saying Arsehole had paid her to burn the house down -- strapped for cash after the divorce, she jumped at it.

I still loved Linda, but had to face reality. What with her being a 'dangerous convicted criminal', my divorce went through easily I got the house, most of the assets (her cut was spent on lawyers) and full custody of the kids.

Obligatory Epilogue

Arseholes rich beautiful ex-wife Ellen came to apologise personally, told me that his behaviour was driven by his inability to father children and so he set out to destroy happy families. We fell madly in love, the kids loved her, she got pregnant, we got married and we lived happily ever after.

Maybe that's what happened -- maybe it didn't -- who knows?