February Sucks - The Umpteenth One

"You don't have to!" She cried. "You're the one that has my love. My children. It's you I always come back to!"

"Except when I'm not!" He frowned.

"Goddammit! How can I show you?!" She was so damn near groveling to him.

"You can't Linda! You fucking can't and I don't want you to anymore!" She thought she could have her cake and eat it too. "In your first letter, you told me I had to do whatever I had to to get over this except cheat on you. That tells me you yourself can't even fucking handle it happening to you!" He was hurting deeply, and it was now that she was starting to see it.

"Is that what it would take? Sleeping with someone else? Marcs' equal perhaps? Ellen?!" Her voice broke. He was right, she couldn't handle the thought of her Jim in the arms of another. Not like how she was with Marc. Even when he had the opportunity, he didn't take it just because he was that devoted to her. If he had resisted such temptation, especially for the opportunity for payback, why didn't she? There was no more use arguing with her, he thought. He pushed the envelope in her hands.

"I'm done Linda. You've hurt me enough." He said. What else could she do?

"No." It was as simple as every other time she had said it. "I'm not losing you. Us." She stood strong. But she didn't let go of the envelope. He didn't want to let it come to this, but he couldn't handle another bout of arguing.

"Linda. The divorce papers in there are filed under irreconcilable differences. I want this to be clean and fair. If you fight me, this," He raised her Ipad once more. "turns into evidence when I file for adultery. I've already saved everything and made sure there's proof that it came from your account." Nothing in his voice or face gave a tell sign that he was bluffing. It was why she had remained so confident so far. When you live for someone, live with them, you can tell when they hesitate. It was difficult, but she had managed to sense his hesitancy and unsuredness to her advantage and keep them together so far. She could see none of that now.

"Do you hate me that much?" She asked, tears falling on the envelope. Darkening it and blotting it.

"Even now, I don't hate you Linda. It's because I love you so much that all this hurts." That was the last thing he said to her as he finished the last of the luggage.

"Where will you go?" She worried for him. He turned to her.

"It's not my luggage Linda. I'm not going anywhere." That was the final shock that sent her into a conscious coma. She so badly wanted to kiss him and hold him. This wasn't happening. She knew there would be consequences to what she had done, but never this. She looked at him, the most vulnerable she'd ever been. Hoping that her look would change his mind. It took everything in Jim to stare her down and not give in. For both their sake, this was the best way forward.

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The judge had never seen a divorce as...well, as this. Both parties were practically empty husks. No accusations, no passion, no nothing. Just two people who weren't just done with one another, but rather with life.

The terms were simple. The father kept the home, but granted shared custody of the wife. In fact, she got them on Thursday through the weekend. That on top of 30% alimony for living expenses. Most couples would go on a scorched earth policy and such, but here, it was clear that they were both keeping the kids' future and well-being in mind.

Once everything was settled, the court settled and officially, Jim and Linda were declared divorced and single in the eyes of the law. It fell on a Saturday where the reality of their parents' situations dawned on them when Jim brought Emma and Tommy to their mother's apartment. Jim had helped her move all her things shortly after she found it. Even after all she did to him, he was still there for her. It was a studio just above a bakery where she had managed to land a position in.

"You coming in daddy?" Emma knew perfectly well he wouldn't, but wanted nothing more than their dad to join them.

"No, sweetpea." He handed Tommy over to Linda. She had been avoiding eye contact. She had a hard time accepting that her Jim...Jim, no longer wanted her. He tapped the top of Emma's head. "Be good for your mother." She could only nod as she ran inside. With little else to be said, Jim got in his car and looked back one more time, just in time to see Linda shy away at the last minute.

For months, this new routine became the norm. Even though her job paid just above minimum wage, Jim's alimony was more than enough to cover living expenses in the studio. It wasn't her home, but it was better than being out in the streets. She was all too happy to make and hold onto baked sweets for her little ones when it was her days of the week to have them. She hurt inside wildly, and wanted more than anything to have their life back. This was the ramifications, after all.

In her time away from work, and when Jim got the kids, she existed in a desolate landscape within her mind at home. There had been a point where she laid flat on her couch in front of her television, watching Hallmark movies. Gorging herself on junk food. Her and Jim were supposed to be the proverbial Hallmark couple, she thought. Happily ever after, picture perfect postcard family, one and onlys. Then that night of sexual thrills stained their foundations. Was it worth it? If she were married, she would say yes, because then, whatever risk she had taken, she would still have had her Jim. Her rock and anchor would still have been there for her. Through it all, she still loved him. She simply couldn't imagine a world without him in her life. And now, here she was.

The funny thing was that all things considered, the change did not cramp her old lifestyle. Her kids did not hold her in contempt, and even the extra bit of money from her job helped. The major difference of course being that she'd rather Jim come home at the end of the day. Of course it was a miracle to have her children at her side, but she had been so used to having them between her and Jim when watching a movie and they'd hold hands behind the couch. Such things she was still missing since before that night at the Madison. At times she couldn't help but miss him. Her life was still good, but she'd trade it in a heartbeat to have had Jim included in it.

If it wasn't for Emma and Tommy, she didn't think she would have been able to dig herself out of rock bottom. If Jim couldn't be a permanent loving fixture in her life, her kids would be there for her. More importantly, she'd be there for them.

For his part, Jim did not start off single too well. One of the reasons Linda got the kids for the weekend was because he needed to lose himself in the drink at the Willing Mind on the weekends. A lot of his emotions of doubt, anger, sadness, and emasculations had been bottled up long enough. He was fortunately able and smart enough to cut it off when he got Emma and Tommy Mondays through Wednesday. For them, anything.

That didn't mean the booze wasn't without its consequences. It affected his performance enough that he'd gotten an official warning regarding his productivity. At home it wouldn't get any better. When home alone, he simply laid down and existed in a state of self loathing and decay of the body. It showed in how he handled himself on a day to day basis. He forewent shaving, his gut grew, and takeout made the majority of his free budget whenever it wasn't on alcohol.

"Daddy's beard scratches me when he kisses me." Giggled Emma as she pointed to her cheek. Linda could only hope to learn about Jim through their kids. She was able to see him when she picked them up or her dropped them off, but each time he hardly said a word to her. He was letting himself go, and she couldn't help but feel responsible. One time, when Emma and Tommy were being dropped off, she asked him for what seemed like the longest time since they last talked.

"You ok, Jim?" She asked, sincerely concerned.

"No. I'm not." Was all he managed to say. What good would it do to make a snarky comment, or even lie to her when she could tell if he said he was ok. He figured to just respond in honesty so the sooner his kids didn't have to see him in misery. She couldn't help but pity him. And that was something he did hate. She reached into her bag and gifted him some cookies. Her homemade cookies.

"I made them at work. I wanted you to have them, as a thank you for keeping me in their lives." And in yours. He reluctantly took them.

"Thanks...this means a lot, Linda." They stood there, looking at each other as if time stopped around them. The gap between them larger than what reality showed. "You should go, its best to not keep them waiting." He offered a faux smile as their kids waved at them from the car.

"Yea. I'll see you around, Jim." And before he knew it, she drove off.

That was the night things had changed. Jim spent another evening alone. He ate the cookies that rested on his gut as he laid on the couch. Flipping through channels on the tv. Mindlessly absorbing the information before skipping to the next bit of useless crap.

Suddenly, he passed by a channel that ignited his hatred. Quickly, he flipped back to it. Highlights from last week's Super Bowl. And who the fuck else could it have been that scored the winning touchdown. Marc fucking LaValliere.

There he was in all 70 inch glory of his flat screen. Being cheered on by a crowd of thousands, fantasized by other wives, at the peak of his career surrounded by supportive teammates and a proud coach. It all swelled inside his chest to boiling point.

Jim rushed to his bathroom to puke up Linda's cookies along with a half week's worth of chinese takeout and corona. Even through the act of losing his insides, he slammed his fist against the sink counter repeatedly.

"It's not fair!" He shouted in his empty home. It really wasn't. That motherfucker ruined his friendships. Ruined his marriage. Fucked his wife, and apparently to the point where she left her clothes as trophies at his place. His fucking essence had been inside his home as it had been inside Linda. He got to experience her in such a nymph manner that Jim could never have hoped to have gotten much less witness.

When he finished puking, he limped against the bathtub. Slowly losing conciousness, he slipped into a slumber.

The following he found himself late to his repeating alarm on his phone he'd set on the table in the living room. Wiping himself off, he rushed to see how late he was.

"Fuck." Very.

He hurriedly got his work clothes and did his best to brush his teeth on the way to work. It did little to mask the smell of the night before. Suffice to say, his boss had words with him. After tearing into him a new one, Jim could only take it, what else could he do, this was his doing.

"Now I get it, you're going through a rough fucking time, but I have a professional business to work here, James!" He nodded stupidly from the shock of it all. "This is your last fucking warning. Go home, and come back when you get your shit together." And like that he was dismissed. Jim took the walk of shame out of the office and drove home.

It was like waking up from a surreal dream as he saw the mess in his house. Fuck, how could his home be in such fucking disarray. Hell, he didn't even clean up after the kids. Taking a deep breath, he began to clean his home. His trash bin had never been so full. Followed by a deep cleaning of the place. He could have gotten a service to have done it, but it was his mess. His home. His responsibility. Pity party over.

Once the crayons were scrubbed off his walls, and floor clean enough to show his reflection, he went about doing yard work. Raking the leaves, followed by mowing the lawn. Followed by uprooting all of the weeds from Linda's once beautiful garden. At one point, he even asked what was the point of holding onto it. And then he remembered planting the peonies with her when they were pregnant with Emma, and the three of them planting the catnip flowers. And then the marigolds as a whole family. He wouldn't be uprooting just her work. But his and his kids too.

Once that was done, he shaved back to his old self. He may have been in dire need of a haircut, but at least the face that looked back at him in the mirror was recognizable. That aside, he found he still had time. It was only six o clock. And he did all that. It felt good. But it wasn't enough. He was tempted to order more takeout but decided against it. He looked down at his gut and then to his flabby arms.

That's it. Gym membership it was. That weekend, he busted his ass off on practically every machine. The soreness of having to drive to pick up Emma and Tommy showed as he limped to ring the doorbell.

"Jim!" Linda was surprised to have seen him so different then when she gave him the cookies. She couldn't help but giggle at his limp. "You alright?" It was sweet.

"Yea, just a little sore." He chuckled. His kids ran to him as he struggled and managed to pick them up in his arms. "But not enough to carry my munchkins!" He boasted proudly. "Say bye to mommy." He shook them as they giggled.

Linda thought it was sweet. What happened to him this weekend? She thought. Kissing them both goodbye, she waited a few minutes after he left with them. Another car parking nearby.

"Hey girl!" Dee said as she got out of her car. Linda squealed in excitement. Something she had gotten back into since the divorce was to reconnect with Dee. She and Dave were going through their own divorce it seemed. Linda didn't know why, but it helped them both to have a friend.

"Was that Jim just now?" She said, having caught a glimpse of him as he drove off and she came in.

"Yea, he came to pick the kids up. Let's go inside." She offered.

Truth be told, Linda really only sought Dee's and only Dee's company because she was the only one she had been close to from their group of friends. They mostly gossiped, sipped wine, and went out on girls night's before heading back to their place. Dee had avoided the topic of Jim, and Marc for that matter, since they separated. But after seeing him again, she couldn't help herself.

"Did you hear about this years' Super Bowl?" She teased. Linda tilted her head in confusion.

"No, what about it?" Truly, that scene had mostly been the men's interest while the wives mostly listened or tried to change the topic. It didn't register in her mind why she would have known about it even now.

"Come on, your favorite guy scored the winning touchdown! I figured you'd be the first to congratulate him. What with being single again and all?" Dee said, sipping her pinot grigio.

"Favorite gu-" Jim truly hung about the majority of her thoughts these days, that she had totally forgotten about Marc. "Dee!" She smacked her shoulder. "It wouldn't be right, I mean, what would Jim think?" As she said that out loud, she narrowed her eyes in disbelief.

"What would he think? Who cares? You told me his ass dumped you, so you're free to go after whoever the hell you want? What's he gonna do, throw another fit." She laughed. Linda laughed nervously. In truth, she was never about ribbing on another person, much less Jim. But Dee did have a point. Why was she holding out for Jim, who began their divorce in the first place.

"I haven't really thought about it. I just..." She really hadn't. But now her gears were turning. Marc's number was still in her phone. She could easily have called him whenever she wanted. "I guess I'm still hung up on Jim." She sighed. That was the first time she had come out and said it.

"Linda, he's not coming back. He refused to get over what happened. You laid all your cards on the table as best as you could without hurting him and it's not enough for him." Dee reasoned. "You owe it to yourself and Marc. No Jim, no marriage. What have you got to lose?" Linda thought about her friends words. And she didn't know why, but she felt as though it would cheapen what was left of her and Jim's relationship. Then a thought occurred to her.

"What about Dave? What is he up to?" She asked. Dee had little to say but.

"I don't want to talk about it." And with that, Linda looked at her phone. Thinking.

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Getting a gym membership was the best decision Jim could have made after the divorce. With three afternoons and four full days to be able to exercise, he was as fit as he'd ever been. The first few weeks, he spent a lot of time working on his core to lose his gut, but as he got to hang out with the other gym bros, he got to learning a bit more about muscle groups and regiments for the rest of his body. Different workouts for each of his limbs. He may not have been training for the Olympics, but his body was much more toned than ever. And then he picked up boxing.

Something about using his fists to beat the shit out of something in rhythmic fashion got his blood pumping like nothing else. If he was honest, the first time he did so, he imagined his target was a certain NFL tight end, but he was wasting his energy too quickly to last, so he changed his mentality and got into his own groove.

Not only that, but after adapting this 'go-get-em' mentality, he began to apply it to his job. Sure it was more luck than anything that he was scheduled to work with overseas accounts, but it managed to get him back in good graces with his boss again. Closing on south and north of the border clients in the same quarter, certainly helped. With good money, good standing with his workmates, good friends, and good health, Jim felt on top of the world.

The results of his change didn't go unnoticed either. Whenever they exchanged their kids, Linda could see the changes every week. From a sore man with a gut, to a well toned and muscled man. Oftentimes, when he came back from the gym, he'd wear a sleeveless hoodie that fit nicely. Due to his good fortune, she was able to hear all the stories of where he would take the kids afterwork. Museums, play places, parks. Linda felt proud of the father of her children.

It was inevitable that when Emma was part of her school play that they had to attend together. It happened to land on a Friday, and she was very excited that both her parents would be able to see her. Waiting by the front of the school, Linda couldn't help but feel excited over Jim's arrival as well. So when he pulled up, the man was greeted wholesomely by his family.

"You made it!" Emma smiled, hugging her dad, now reaching at his waist.

"Of course! I wouldn't miss it for the world!" He said, turning to Linda and seeing little Tommy holding her hand. "And you! Finally walking on your own! What a big man!" He said proudly.

"He started around when Emma began to rehearse her lines at home. It was so cute." She smiled as did he in turn.

Once inside, they made their way to their reserved seats, leaving it to Tommy to want to sit on the edge of the aisle, forcing his parents to sit next to one another.

The play itself was a cute rendition of Midsummer Nights' Dream. With so many kids having gotten other parts, it was funny and cute to have seen Emma play the role of a cardboard watchtower. Either way, she was happy to see her parents proudly waving at her throughout the play.

During intermission, Tommy had fallen asleep on Jim, so he was stuck in his seat.

"He always did feel more comfortable falling asleep on you." Linda said, turning to him.

"He knows who's boss is why." He teased her.

"Oh really?" She chuckled.

"Yeah, poor little guy gets tuckered out everywhere I take him. He gets it from you, you know?" He laughed as she giggled, smacking his shoulder.