Feelings That Drive You Crazy

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Frank Beard; Billy Gibbons; Dusty Hill: "I got a girl, she lives on the hill. She won't do it but her sister will, when she boogie, she do the tube snake boogie."

+ + + +

I've always thought that I had a good sense of right and wrong. That doesn't mean that I haven't done a few mean things in my life. One of the cruelest things I ever saw, made me do one of the cruelest things I ever did. I was popular in high school, but not ready for a 'steady'. There was a group of girls, the in-crowd, who could best be stereotyped as a mutual admiration society.

One of my best friends has a sister, Linda, who was trying hard to get into that inner circle. I was a senior and she was a junior. Every day I'd watch Linda trying to be 'cool enough' to be accepted. One day it appeared to work. Linda was beaming, but it didn't last. The group had schemed to have a boy embarrass the shit out of Linda. They were so proud of themselves. It made me sick.

As prom approached, I asked Linda to go with me, but only if she kept it quiet and explained to her my reasons. I then asked the alpha girl of the cool kids group, Stacy Gibson, to prom. She was a pretentious know-it-all. Since she had recently broken up with boyfriend number ten thousand, she was thrilled to have been asked. Stacy was too ill to attend prom as a junior, and now, being a senior, it would have been beneath her to have to ask someone to take her. Prom would not be something Stacy ever got to experience.

The night of prom, Linda and I had a great time. No, we didn't have sex in the back of my car, as I wouldn't do that to my best friend. When Stacy did show up, security had to call the police. She was suspended for two weeks and lost a scholarship because of that. Even her last ex-boyfriend came to her defense. Oops, my bad, I forgot. Stacy was also expelled from the cool kids group. I made a point to lecture Linda about being herself and having her own set of morals. Have people like you because of who you are, not who you hang around with. I live by that code myself.

+ + + +

I met Rachel at a freshman social held by a fraternity. She was being recruited to join a sorority, while I was being pressured to join this fraternity. Having been raised in the country, my social skills hadn't been refined to the collegiate level. We raised cattle and farmed enough alfalfa to feed them. Why is that important? My after school agenda had me doing chores at home. I'd never seen a live completely naked girl, although Jeanie took my virginity bent over with her skirt raised and sky blue thong pushed aside. At this party, there were several naked women and men and WOW, the things they were doing. I've always felt that I had a good moral compass, and this seemed wrong. Talk about an eye opener.

Although invited to join in, I declined and made myself scarce. I was in a daze as I started walking back to my dorm.

"Hey, wait up!" slowed me down.

The young lady catching up to me was Rachel.

"Too wild for you too?"

"If the truth be known, yeah. I'm Kyle, and you are beautiful."

"I'm Rachel, and you're full of shit."

To say we clicked is an understatement. By the end of our freshman year, we were engaged. No date had been set, but we knew it would happen. Rachel was taking the necessary classes needed to become an elementary school teacher. I was hoping to land a job in accounting.

A few weeks into our courtship, I learned that Rachel had an identical twin, Rebecca. Rebecca decided she wanted to separate their lives, and chose a different university. Rachel talked with her at least twice a week.

In the summer after our junior year, Rachel and I married. Our final year of schooling flew by. Finishing college in four years was a feat in itself. After all three of us graduated, Rebecca became Mrs. Gary Sawyer.

It took a little luck to find jobs in the same city, for both Rachel and myself. The employment gods were smiling on us. Not only did we find jobs, they were near the city where Rebecca and Gary lived.

Now, Rachel and Rebecca could not only talk a few times a week, we were getting together with them about once a month. It really is remarkable how they look, sound, and move the same way. Gary and I get along great. Although Rachel and I don't do the recreational drugs, I tag along with Gary when he goes to the pot shops. There's a whole subculture surrounding pot that I never really knew existed.

Rebecca flirts, a lot. Rachel teases me "Remember, she's the one wearing a pink blouse. Rebecca loves pink, and I don't. You better not forget that buster!"

Both Rachel and Rebecca are intelligent and confident. They can do point counter point debates with gusto.

It was mid-May, a month shy of Rebecca's first wedding anniversary, when her world came crashing down. The doctor's still aren't sure why, but one morning Rebecca awoke and didn't know who she was or where she was. Gary denied that they'd abused recreational drugs. I have my doubts as Rachel said that Rebecca and Gary had tried Psilocybe mushrooms, which cause hallucinations.

After a week of observation, Rebecca was transferred to Pleasant Memories, a mental institution. Rachel took it hard. Her best friend and lifelong support line, was gone, not physically, but mentally.

Near the end of summer, Gary filed for divorce and moved away. Rebecca's condition wasn't complete amnesia. She remembers lots of things, but most days just not who she is or where she is.

If there is a pattern, I think it's that Rebecca will assume the identity of whoever she dreamt about the night before. She can be a newscaster, a politician, or even Rachel or their mother, Mary. On occasion she'll even assume the identity of her doctor or nurse. You just never know what to expect when you visit her. There's been a few times she's actually been Rebecca.

Mary is divorced, and when Rachel became pregnant, she relocated to be near not only Rachel and her grandchildren, but also Rebecca. She has a boyfriend, Ray or Ron or Rob or whatever. They don't last long. Mary goes through them about one or two a year.

Thankfully, in our country, being confined to a mental institution is covered by national health care. There's no way Rebecca or her mother could absorb the cost of the care that Rebecca is receiving.

Every other month or so, Rachel and I will check Rebecca out and take her to the zoo or an amusement park. Mary checked her out a few times, but quit when Rebecca escaped. Rebecca went missing for two days before the police found her. It devastated Mary. When we are out and about, Rebecca still exudes sexuality and we have to watch the horndogs trying to lure her away from us. On more than one occasion, Rachel has scolded Rebecca about inappropriately groping me. I get away with it by saying 'Oh, that wasn't you? She's not wearing pink.'

The institution has Rebecca on birth control. In my mind, it's to protect them from lawsuits if one of their patients gets pregnant by the staff. Of course their position is that they can't control what their occupants do, as long as it is consensual. Watching some of the male staff leer at the women creeps me out.

Even though it was Rebecca institutionalized, Rachel gradually changed, and not for the better. The sniping and sometimes outright disdain towards me was very new in our relationship.

+ + + +

Rachel and I have been married for six years now. Daniel, our oldest, just turned four and David celebrated his second a month before that. I have to admit that raising boys is not for the squeamish. They have a ton of energy and a knack for pushing things to the limit. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death.

It was a Thursday, which was also day two of my three day seminar. Before heading out to dinner I called Rachel to see how things were at home.

She greeted me "Hey babe, how was your day today?"

"Very good, lots of good discussions back and forth. Anything newsy at home?"

"No, just finished feeding the boys. They're parked in front of the television watching their favorite movie. Headed to dinner?"

"After we hang up. Tomorrow, I should be on the flight that leaves at three. That should get me home by seven. Give the boys a hug and a kiss from me."

"And none for me? Excuse me!"

"I was getting to that. For you, a really naughty hug and lots of kisses, especially you know where."

"That's better. Love you. See you tomorrow night."

"Love you too. Goodnight."

About fifteen minutes later, my walk to the restaurant was coming to an end. I didn't make it before Mary called.

"Kyle, thank goodness you answered. I tried Rachel's cell phone but it went straight to messages. If it wasn't important I wouldn't have disturbed your romantic getaway with her. Daniel and David were running around my living room when David tripped and hit his head against the corner of the bookcase. I think it may need stitches. It was bleeding fast but I've got it slowed down to a trickle. What should I do?"

I was confused. Rachel certainly made it sound like they were at home. What romantic getaway am I supposedly on?

"Slow down Mary. Rachel dropped the kids off and you're looking after them?"

"Yes, she dropped them off around two this afternoon. They're spending the night, or were until this happened."

"Thanks for calling Mary. Take them to Summit Hospital, over by the highway. Ask for Jana Fields. She's my sister and works the swing shift. David will be in good hands with her. If they need insurance information, you can give them my cell phone number. It will take a few hours to get there, but I'm leaving now."

"Okay Kyle, I'm so sorry."

"Mary, don't be. Boys that age have lots and lots of energy. It was an accident. How's Daniel handling it?"

"He was fascinated with the blood on the carpet. Other than that, he seems completely unfazed."

That brought a smile to my face. It really is different raising young boys.

+ + + +

The waiter led me to the table I was supposed to join for dinner. Thankfully I found someone I worked with. It was easy to explain why I was headed home for a family emergency. Booking a seat on the next available flight, I grabbed a taxi and left for the airport.

How should I handle this? Rachel obviously lied to me. It certainly sounds like she won't be home when I get there. Or will she? Looks like she has a lover. Is she bringing her lover over to our house?

I recruited my neighborhood friend's help by sending him a text 'Steve, could you swing by my house and see if anyone is home? Thanks, Kyle'

'Good timing as I just left work and am about to reach our exit.'

A few minutes later 'House is dark. No sign of anyone home. I hope this isn't what I think it is.'

'I wish it wasn't what I think it is.'

'I'm there for you bro.'

'Thanks, appreciate it.'

Mary was still at the hospital when I called her back. Daniel was flirting with the nurses and David was restless but showing no signs of a concussion. After a quick update about my projected arrival time, we agreed that I'd meet her at the hospital, or her house, depending on whether they released David.

+ + + +

The flight itself went smoothly. Not so much for me. My emotions swung from borderline maniac to tearfully sad. When we landed, I touched base with Mary. She said they were still holding David at the hospital. When I arrived, I found a distraught mother-in-law and a sleeping four year old.

"Thanks so much Mary. If Rachel left anything with the boys, I'll pick it up tomorrow. Are you sticking around or heading home?"

"I think I've had about as much fun as I can stand for one day. Let me know what happens with David. Where's Rachel?"

"It's a long story mom."

The doctor's orders were for David to be held overnight, as a precaution for a possible concussion. He hadn't shown any of the severe signs so that was a good thing. The nurses gave me some blankets and pillows for Daniel. Earlier in the evening he'd charmed his way into their hearts. I wasn't going to leave David's side. Jana dropped by, after her shift, and filled me in on David's prognosis. Two stitches and a possible concussion.

There was no activity on my phone, from Rachel, since I'd spoken with her earlier.

I mulled over the possibility that I was completely overreacting. There was no way this was something innocent. I decided to have a little fun with Rachel by sending a text.

'While you were doing things you aren't likely to admit to, with someone who you aren't likely to expose, your son, rest his soul. Sorry, I can't bring myself to say it. Anyway, I'm taking care of making the arrangements. Don't bother coming home.'

The easiest way to handle the credit cards was to report them as lost. New ones will be sent. I'll have to move fast in the morning to secure the banking accounts. Rachel isn't likely to know about the brokerage accounts without access to the paperwork at home.

I was able to get a few power naps. David had an uneventful night and all we were waiting for was the floor doctor to approve his release. The morning shift nurses fawned over both Daniel and David. The boys milked it for everything they could. I called Mary and let her know David was doing great.

At eight ten, my cell phone buzzed. Rachel had finally turned her phone back on. Let her bother her mother. I let it go to messages. In a perfect world, I would have taken David home before Rachel arrived. As I learned yesterday, I no longer lived in a perfect world.

Hearing Rachel's voice, down the hall, caused my stomach to clench "Where is room three eighteen?"

I blocked the doorway. Rachel's eyes were red and puffy. She stopped in her tracks when she saw me. My fists were clenched and my eyes were cold.

In a quiet voice "How's David?"

"He survived your night of fucking."

"I'm sorry Kyle."

"Oh bullshit, you're not sorry. Give me a break."

"Where's Daniel?"

Before I could respond I heard David behind me "Mommy! Mommy!"

"Please don't kiss him with your cum soaked mouth, slut" as I stepped aside. I'm not a violent person but my mind was swirling with hateful thoughts. What did I ever do wrong?

As Rachel was cuddling David, Daniel returned from his breakfast date with one of the nurses.

"Mommy, David was bleeding and it got all over grandma's carpet. It was so cool! I slept here last night with daddy. I had cookies for breakfast."

+ + + +

This is just fucking great. I'm going to be a part time dad. The game is stacked against men. First thing I need to do is figure out how to get the kids home without Rachel tagging along. The doctor swung by just after ten and gave David the green light to go home. If he shows any signs of being disoriented, or becomes nauseous, get him back in and quickly.

We got everything taken care of and were heading towards the main entrance.

"Rachel, since your car has the child seats in the back, go get it."

She didn't bat an eye. The boys and I headed up to the nursery on the fifth level. My phone started buzzing a few minutes later. Somebody wasn't happy. I killed an hour with the boys, grabbing snacks from the vending machine. Rather than risk Rachel hanging around my car, I had a ride share pick us up at the emergency room door.

Instead of heading straight home, I went to one of our bank's branch offices. It only took thirty minutes to divide the accounts into two. The boys were busy charming the skirts off of the females in the office.

I scheduled another ride. We stopped for tater tots on our way over to Steve's house. I held the driver until the boys were settled in with Steve's wife Fawn. That only took a few minutes and then I backtracked to the hospital to pick up my car. Leaving the hospital parking lot, I sent Rachel a text 'Headed to your mother's place with the boys.'

Hopefully she bites on that and I can get into our house alone. It worked. Before picking up the boys, I'd stopped and bought new locks. Both boys fell asleep with adult seatbelts on. A big fine if I got caught, but I didn't. They were full of energy when we got home. Nothing like a little nap to recharge them. While the boys were watching television, and playing with their monster trucks, I set about changing the locks. It didn't take long.

Going online, I closed the brokerage account, sending the proceeds to my new checking account. I talked briefly with my parents. Fawn had mentioned that Steve had a friend who was in the midst of getting a divorce. She said she would get me his friend's lawyer's name. That is, if that friend was pleased with the attorney's work.

Steve texted me the contact info. After explaining my situation, with the attorney, he agreed to drop by the house tonight at seven.

My cell phone was buzzing constantly. I knew it was only a matter of time before Rachel was banging on the doors. I was very surprised that she didn't come alone. Mary followed Rachel over.

Rachel was pleading her case, quite loudly "Kyle, this is my house too! Let me in."

I went upstairs and opened the bedroom window that overlooked the front yard.

"Rachel, you are no longer welcome at this house. Hi Mary. Did the little slut tell you where she was last night? They didn't even finish until after eight this morning."

Mary spoke first "Rachel, what's this all about?"

"It doesn't matter. This is my house and those are my kids. LET ME IN NOW!"

Mary shot back "What do you mean it doesn't matter. Were you unfaithful last night?"

"Mother, please. I need to see my kids."

"I'm not going to help a cheating spouse. Been there, done that. Kyle, promise me I can see my grandkids."

"Mary, I would never deny you that. Thanks for your help yesterday."

As Mary drove off, Rachel's tears were dripping off of her chin. As she was stomping around she decided to make a call. About fifteen minutes later a squad car rolled to a stop in front of the house. She spent a few minutes talking with the officer. Her body language told me it wasn't going as well as hoped.

One of the officers approached the house. I opened the front door, but left the latch on.

"Mr. Wilson?"

"Yes sir. How may I help you?"

"Your wife says you won't let her in the house."

"I'm not sure that's my wife. She has an identical twin, who is crazy. That woman has been acting crazy. In the best interest of my young children, I think she needs to find another place to stay until we can get this sorted out."

After Rachel blew a gasket, trying to discredit my story, the police officer blocked her path. Her face was as red as I'd ever seen. For a second I thought she was going to hit or kick the officer. That would have REALLY worked out well for me. As it was, he escorted her to her car. Not even a minute after she drove away, Rachel called my cell. I decided 'why not?' so I answered it.

"Hello? Who is this?"

"Cut the crap asshole. Why are you doing this?"

"Why am I doing this? Let's see, maybe because my not so faithful wife spent the night with her lover. I guess I don't know that. Maybe you're a cheap whore and did gangbangs all night."

"I'm sorry you had to find out about it this way. But, you don't have many choices. If you divorce me I'll rape you financially and do my damnedest to limit your visits with my kids."

My head was spinning. Internal rage is a hard thing to control.

"I see. Why don't you just divorce me and marry your lover?"

"Mick is still in school. Probably will be for another couple years. Then, depending on what his job prospects are, I might consider it. As long as you deserve it, I'll still allow you to have sex with me. If not I'll have Mick pick up the slack. I have needs that you haven't been meeting."

I hung up. If she shows up, with me in this mind set, I'll fucking kill her. Walking around like a zombie best described my mental shape. Obviously I've been living in my own little fairy tale. Reality, what a concept, just burst my balloon.