FH: Just Found Heaven Ch. 01: SAM

His tone was unhesitatingly honest, and I felt my eyes close for a moment because I knew he meant it. The problem was that he didn't mean it in the way I wanted him to.

Max and I had been best friends since we were fourteen, and never once had I doubted that he'd always have my back. But ever since I'd realized a few months ago that I wanted to give him my heart too, accepting the brotherly devotion he freely gave me had become more difficult. Especially during times like these, when I all I wanted was for the comforting arm around my shoulders to pull me in tighter toward his body, close enough that his other arm would be able to circle round my body to hold me like a lover, not just a friend. I wanted Max to kiss away all my pain, and the broken feelings that I almost drowned in when I got stuck in my head. But I couldn't say any of that to Max because I knew he slept around, and that he enjoyed the unattached freedom of being young, hot, and in ridiculous demand among the masses of horny high schoolers in our classes because he interchangeably played for both teams. I also knew how jaded and fucked up my own beliefs could be about what stable and healthy love should look like, and I didn't want to pile that baggage on him. We were too young for that kind of shit.

When Max let go of me, I used the breath I took to inhale deeply from the lit cigarette he handed me. I swallowed the smoke down, exhaling slowly over my head only when the burn in my chest became too much to trap inside.

"I think Connor's afraid." I cut Max off with a wave of my cigarette before his temper could flare up again. "He doesn't know how to cope with becoming a parent. Our dad is just a sperm donor, and though I know mom did the best she could to love and protect Connor and me, neither of us understands why she didn't leave him before she got cancer and got so sick, she had to be completely dependent on him."

I exhaled another smoke ring and tapped out the ash from the tip on the edge of the roof. "Connor resents her for it. Says she was we was weak, and that it's her fault we're as fucked up as we are." I'd punched Connor in the mouth for that but kept it to myself because Max was already fired up.

"Sam, I don't know why your mom couldn't leave your dad, but I know it isn't because she wanted to hurt you or even Connor. Granted, my mother would put arsenic in the Colonel's sweet tea if he ever laid his hands on her, but love can be stupid and not make any damn sense except to the two people involved in the relationship. Maybe a part of your mom still loved your dad, as twisted and broken as that love was. But her mistakes don't have to impact you and Connor for the rest of your lives. Connor's just using that as a crutch to justify his own inability to cope. You've lived through the same experiences he has, and unlike him, you do give a damn about people. You love Connor's fucking stupid ass, you love Sofia, you love my family, and you love me."

Max paused and his gaze swept over me slowly. For a moment I wondered if he knew just how true that sentence was by the way his expression softened, but then he shrugged. "Even if Connor doesn't want to be there for Sofia and the baby, you know you can be right?"

I took another drag from my cigarette to avoid answering for a few seconds, staring up at the clear blue sky instead of at him until I finally trusted my voice to be steady enough to respond.

"I want to be Max, I said quietly. "I want to believe that we can be different than our parents, and start over fresh with my niece or nephew, whatever it turns out to be. When we were kids before things got so bad that she just shut off, Mom used to say we could have anything we wanted in life and..."

"And you want a real family," Max said, finishing the sentence when I hesitated. "So do it Sam. Come live with me. Be there for Sofia and the baby, and I'll try to tolerate Connor and help fill in the gaps in our spectacularly dysfunctional new family unit as the coolest pseudo-uncle that kid will ever have. Lick and stick tattoos all the way."

He grinned, and I felt my own lips curve slightly upward in response.

"Maybe..."

"Maybe is good enough for now. But I'm going to beat the damn horse and reiterate that Connor's damage isn't yours, Sam. The people in your life who really care about you, we all see you for the good and loyal guy you are. One who's worth giving a damn about."

Max smiled, and my pulse kicked up when he snuffed out his own cigarette and tossed it over the edge of the roof before he shifted smoothly toward me. My eyes widened, and my breath hitched when Max dragged the knuckles of his left hand slowly across my cheek with a level of gentleness that he'd never demonstrated toward me in such an intimate way before. When he leaned toward me, I froze, too surprised to process what was happening between us in this sudden unexpected shift in our dynamic.

I'd fantasized about kissing Max for months, but we'd never crossed the line of the affection appropriate for any epic bromance.

Until now.

I felt the warmth of Max's smoke-touched breath ghost across my ear as he murmured, "I can't give you everything you deserve Sam. Even though the Colonel and mom have always raised me to believe in the worth of singular love and monogamy, I don't think I'm built that way because it just doesn't stick for me. But what I do know, is that you're my best friend, and I give enough of a damn to want to give you as much of myself as I'm capable of, even though I know it's not nearly enough." Max paused and gently dragged the pad of his thumb across the curve of my lower lip. "But it's your call."

"We're still sixteen, Max. Isn't being horny and free like a rule?" I murmured, feeling Max's breath puff warmly over my mouth when he chuckled.

"True."

"We wouldn't be exclusive," I said, though I didn't make it a question because I already knew the answer.

"No, but I'll still be the guy who'll always have your back. If that's enough, I'm here."

I wanted to pull away because regardless of our age, we both knew it wasn't enough, but I loved him and he was willing to love me back the best way he could. So instead of answering him with words, I closed the gap between us.

Max let me initiate the first pass of my mouth across his. He wasn't the first guy I'd kissed, and I certainly wasn't his first, but when the tip of his tongue lightly traced the seam of my lips before his thumb pressed gently at the corners of my mouth to encourage me to open for him, I did. Maybe not happily ever after, but happy enough for now.

***

I shook my head to expel that sudden memory because it was a moot point. I'd chosen Ben, and he was who I wanted, and needed to be with. This life was what I wanted because unlike Max, Ben had never given me the option of, 'happy for now.' He'd always played for keeps, utilizing that dogged determination he broke out whenever he wanted something badly....

***

Ben looked at me with exasperated affection when I tried to shut him down unsuccessfully for the hundredth time.

"Sam, you're the first guy I've wanted to know intimately in years."

"Which baffles the fuck out of me. I've been a mess since we first met."

"I'm a good judge of character, and I know that you're a man who thinks with his heart instead of his head when his guard is down. That's a more admirable trait than you think."

Ben ran the tip of his thumb up and down the inside my wrist. My skin tingled from just that chaste touch, and a corner of his mouth rose as if he saw right through me and knew exactly the effect he had over my body.

"Your ex cheated on you because he was a moron. Max is willing to let you slip through his fingers while he's focused on his flavor of the week, so he's another idiot. I like to think I'm more evolved."

"I don't know how to be in a real relationship, Ben, and you don't sound like you're talking about hooking up for one night."

"I'm not. But I'm a good teacher if you're willing to be my pupil."

Despite every dysfunctional tidbit he knew about me, the confidence in Ben's eyes didn't waver, and it created a temptation like I'd never known before. If I'd believed in happy endings, it'd have been easy to accept what he was offering me; a white picket fence with Sofia and the girls. But I hadn't even been able to make myself leave Connor behind and move in with Max and his parents like I should've years ago when he'd asked me too. I'd never trusted myself with that level of love and responsibility. Apparently, I still didn't.

"Why not? Are you still hung up on Max?"

"Max isn't here." Because he was in Afghanistan where out of sight could become out of mind and I didn't have to deal with that part of my life when the rest of it was such a mess.

"He has to come home eventually," Ben said, sliding his hands into his pockets after he reached for me, and I moved back. "I'm willing to put the work in to show you what believing in someone who cares for you can be like, but if you're waiting for him, just tell me and I'll back off."

I made a dismissive gesture. "Max is the least complicated of my issues right now."

"Then just one date. I know you're attracted to me...it's pretty obvious sometimes," Ben said with a smile that managed to be sweet despite the cocky phrasing. It made me feel the way I had since I'd first met him...weak in the knees and exposed, like if I didn't protect myself, I'd fall so hard I'd never be able to find which side was up without his hand in mine....

***

The edges of my undone tie brushed across my chest as I moved away from the mirror and sat on the edge of the bed. The mattress dipped beneath my weight, but it still provided a stable surface as I looked down at my bare ring finger. I rubbed my thumb across it when another memory crept into my mind...

***

Ben drew me up against his chest so that he could rest his chin on top of my head while we tried to slow our breathing that was still ragged from a fucking that had made me hear a chorus of angels just minutes before. We relaxed, enjoying the intimate silence before he said, "Sam?"

That was all, but in my name, I could hear the underlying reason of why he'd lavished everything he could on me with lips, cock and teeth. The words I hadn't allowed him to say last night, suddenly rested on his lips.

I rolled forward abruptly, using the advantage of surprise to slide away from him, putting sudden and much needed distance between us. Unfortunately, my modes of escape were limited by the fact that my birthday suit wasn't acceptable for mixed company if I ran out the door, and I couldn't locate any of my clothing when I did a quick visual sweep of the floor. I had to settle for a noncommittal mumble about needing to pee as I retreated into the bathroom.

I'd allowed Ben complete control over my body last night and this morning--he'd nearly fucked me into a coma--but I'd maintained the wall around my heart. I was still too chicken-shit to call this thing between us what it was, and keeping even a bathroom door between him and I was my best option right now to avoid it.

I turned on the faucet to splash cold water on my face, feeling wayward droplets slide down my cheeks to pool in my clavicle. The chill felt good against my skin, combating the surge of heat that rose every time I thought about the words Ben wanted me to hear. I'd stopped him from releasing them to the air in the hopes it would make them less true, but even I couldn't play ostrich like that forever.

I heard Ben coming, but he kept me from shutting the door against him in time by jamming his hand and hip into the doorframe. Not wanting to hurt him or ratchet up the coward factor any higher, I kept my weight off the door and let Ben in when he asked. I didn't make eye contact though, focusing instead on flipping up the toilet seat as if I was going to take a piss even though I was just stalling for time.

"A little privacy might be nice."

"You're really going to tell me that a guy who was career military, and probably watered plant life regularly, is pee shy? Go ahead. I won't look."

Ben made himself comfortable on the edge of the bathtub then closed his eyes and put one hand over them for dramatic flair. I scowled and knew he was peeking when the corners of his lips quirked into a smile. Ignoring him, I finally anointed the toilet bowl before flushing and washing my hands. Ben moved before I could finish, trapping me up against the sink with his hard belly flat against my back. He hadn't bothered pulling on any of his clothing, and with mine still MIA in his bedroom somewhere, all I felt was the warmth of his skin and the press of his still semi-hard cock.

I didn't stop the slide of his arms around my mid-section, but I knew that he could feel how uncomfortable I was.

He leaned forward to drop a kiss between my shoulder blades. "You need to start finding better hiding spots than the bathroom if you don't want me to find you." I could hear the affection his voice before he peeked around to meet my eyes in the mirror. "Sam..."

"Stop."

"You don't even know what I'm going to say."

"Yeah, I do, and it's not the right time..."

"Says who? What happened to freedom of expression?" Ben teased. "My heart is the one that wants to talk. All you have to do is stand there and listen."

"I thought you were patient." Though I kept my voice light, I knew he felt the coiling of my body as it tried to formulate a working escape route. Ben kept me playing defense when he kicked his foot between my legs to brace me against his thigh and the sink, so I had nowhere to go.

"I am, but I'm learning that sometimes no means yes with you. And this is one of those times you need to follow someone else's lead. Let me be that guy.

"My world is still full of shit right now, Ben. I don't want to drag anyone else into it."

"Too bad, I'm already there." His calm eyes met my unhappy ones in the mirror, and he didn't drop his gaze even for a second. "You've perfected the art of running away from me, Sam. Try running toward me for once."

"I can't."

"Well, you better learn, because I'm not Connor, and I'm not Devlin. I'll never lie to you, or cheat on you. Sofia and the girls would maim me if I ever caused you pain, and I happen to have a selfish love for my balls." His lips tilted into a smile. "Try something new, Sam. It's called trust."

He left it there, allowing the words to ramp up the emotional intensity. I looked away and back a half dozen times. Ben's gaze never faltered.

When I finally gave consent with a tilt of my head, Ben pressed a kiss to the side of my neck and closed his eyes. I could feel the warmth of his breath in a slow, steady puff against my skin as my own eyes closed and my breath slowed into the same rhythm as his. I felt him smile against my ear at my acceptance when I pressed back.

"¿Me quieres? Es cierto o no es cierto?"

The question I'd been avoiding since the first time Ben had made it clear what he felt for me didn't send me running this time. We hadn't known one another long enough for the intensity between us to make sense, but he'd thrown everything out there, giving me the choice like he always. God, fate, whatever the fuck had brought us together didn't matter. It was still real. I pressed back against Ben harder, feeling his arms tighten around me immediately, patiently waiting for my answer.

Loving Ben wasn't the problem. Allowing myself to believe that I had any right to was what had held me back. Sometimes, you didn't need the words, but when Ben asked for the truth about caring for him, I gave him what he asked for. Go big or go home.

"Cierto..."

***

It'd been true that night, and it was true now; I loved Ben with every fiber of my being. It was just difficult to let go of years of believing that I didn't deserve to have happiness, a loving family, and a man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The interpersonal relationship issues I struggled with would probably always be a challenge for me, because while you could move forward in life when you tried hard enough, the past was always there to take a stab at drawing you down if you looked back often enough. I was going to have to invest in one of those cone shaped things snappy, self-destructive dogs wore to occasionally protect themselves from their own teeth.

Before meeting Ben, I hadn't really believed in God past the Sunday school basics I'd learned as a kid, but there'd been times since we'd gotten together that God seemed to have taken a renewed interest in my life. Or maybe I'd just finally started listening. Apparently. now was one of those times He thought I needed a reminder of what I had to fight for.

And who.

My lips curved into a smile as my phone's screen lit up with a text message from Ben. A heart, a wedding ring, and a thumbs up emoji were followed by, "I can't wait..." and a red rose emoji.

Smartass.

But God, I loved him for it...

***

I didn't want to do this. Not when Ben was so happy, and the night had been going so well, starting with Ben's delight when I'd surprised him at home after work with the paella that he'd taught me to make a few months ago because it was his favorite dish. I'd miraculously managed not to burn it, and everything had gone smoothly. Our night had been romantic and easy like most of our past few months together had been. But I had to get something off of my chest first if I wanted to go forward with the next part of the night that I'd planned so carefully; the part that would completely change the rest of my life, and how I lived it.

I inhaled deeply, and Ben quirked a brow at me with a curious, gentle smile when I laid my hand over his. He immediately curled his own fingers around mine like he always did whenever I initiated affection. My need for reassurance and validation that I was doing a decent job of navigating through our new romantic world were becoming less frequent after almost a year together, but Ben always unhesitatingly held on if he thought that I needed physical grounding. The fact he cared that much, was making this even harder because if I continued right now, I might lose everything we'd worked so hard to build together. Our happy life destroyed, all because sometime during the last year, I'd subscribed to my therapist's dogged belief that in order to move forward completely without any regrets, I needed to tell Ben everything that was in my heart, and that included the mistake that always weighed hauntingly heavy in the back of my mind.

I'd balked for months against her gentle insistence, because things between Ben and I had been good. More than good. They'd been better than I'd ever fucking believed a life with someone else could be. And now, I was potentially throwing it all away because I wanted to give Ben everything that started and ended with the ring box in my back jeans pocket.

"What's the matter baby?"

Ben's voice was as gentle as his smile when he squeezed my hand, and then brought it to his lips so he could brush a light kiss across my knuckles. Immediately, I thought of the first time that we'd slept together; how Ben had opened his arms to let me rest my head against his chest as we came down from the high of the most amazing sex of my life; how he'd held me close, murmuring my name when he'd laced our fingers together as our breathing slowed; how my stupid heart had given up its passport as soon as he'd kissed my fingers just like he did now.

"I need to tell you something."

He nodded though his smile looked slightly puzzled around the edges as if he had caught the sudden thickness in my voice. "Ok. What's going on?"

I exhaled shakily before I forced the words out. "When Max came home last year, after I introduced the two of you when we came back from Deseos, and he was out on the porch at Sofia's house..." I swallowed as the confusion in Ben's eyes began to shift into another emotion, like he was already anticipating where this was going, and reading between the painful lines though I'd barely started my confession.