FH: Just Found Heaven Ch. 01: SAM

"After you left, Max told me that he was in love with me, and wanted me to give him and I another shot... And then he kissed me."

I paused when Ben's eyes widened. The initial shock in them was immediately followed by a flood of obvious hurt when I added, "I kissed him back... And for a moment I considered the life that he finally wanted with me. A life that I'd wished for ever since I fell for him when we were sixteen years old, and Max was the only steady thing in my life, the one person who ever felt like home no matter how chaotic and shitty my life was."

My heart dropped from my chest into the pit of my stomach when I felt Ben's fingers slacken in mine. I instantly began to pull back, telling myself I had to let him go more than just physically because I'd just torn his heart out, but Ben stopped me by tightening his hold on my hand again. Our eyes met, and I could see him struggling not to explode with the million questions I saw flashing through his mind before he was able to settle on one.

"Is there more?"

"Yes."

Ben exhaled slowly, closing his eyes for what felt like a decade long pause. When he opened them again, he nodded slightly. "Keep going Sam."

I wanted to close my own eyes, but all I allowed myself was a second to steady my voice. "I considered the life I could have with him, but then it hit me like a damn Mack truck that if I went forward with Max, I'd be backing away from you, and I couldn't do it."

My voice was almost too soft for my ears to register, but I knew that Ben had heard me when his expression softened slightly. I swallowed hard. "You've always thought it was worth navigating through my endless piles of emotionally stunted bullshit to become a permanent fixture in my life. So, I stopped things with Max before the kissing could turn into anything else. And though I never should've let it get even that far in the first place, being able to walk away from him that night was the proof I stupidly needed to know that choosing you, choosing us, was the only choice that could make me truly happy."

Ben didn't pull away when I reached out to brush the fingertips of my free hand across his chest, right over his heart. Even through his thin linen shirt, I could feel the rapid tempo of his heartbeat that mirrored mine.

"I used to think that Max was the closest I could feel to finding home, but you're my home, Ben. When I walk into the kitchen after work and see you at the stove making some ridiculously complicated recipe for just two people because you think I need to eat more, or you tuck your foot up against the inside of my calf when you're the big spoon and your damn toes feel like little blocks of ice against my skin, that's home for me..."

The hint of a smile touched the edges of Ben's lips but it didn't reach his eyes yet and I could see the silent request to keep going in those hazel brown depths, so I did.

"When I wake up screaming from a nightmare, you're the first person I look for, because I know that you'll be able to make things okay just by saying my name to remind me where I am. And when I have my head on your chest where my hand is right now, and I can feel my pulse slowing to match yours, it grounds me, and all I think is, I'm home. Wherever you are will always be the only place that I want to be. And I know I may have fucked up everything between us with the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life, one which I'll never make again, but you needed to know tonight. I couldn't--"

"I knew Sam."

Ben cut me off quietly, and his lips quirked into the ghost of a smile that didn't reach his eyes as mine widened.

"You knew?"

"Well, more like I always knew there was a possibility that something could happen between the two of you. I saw the way Max looked at you that night, and how he reacted toward me when he saw us together."

His lips quirked a little higher at the corners, and I knew that he was remembering his slightly snarky exchange with my best friend when Max had tried to antagonize Ben about him and I walking up the driveway together hand-in-hand; something I'd never done with anyone I'd been with, Max included.

"Yeah, he isn't always great with subtlety. But I didn't plan what happened, Ben. I would never intentionally hurt you. I was just stupid and selfish, and I made a terrible mistake."

"Sam, breathe," Ben said, his voice gentle even when I didn't deserve that calm. "I always knew that your relationship with Max was complicated. You were with him on and off for over a decade, and you're a man who loves hard and deep, so even a relationship that was supposed to be casual, that you agreed would be casual, never really could be. When you love someone, you give them every part of you. You're always there when those people need you, regardless of any inconvenience or personal cost to yourself because you're the most loyal, devoted and loving man I've ever known in my life. And what makes those qualities so precious, is the fact you don't see them in yourself."

I didn't trust my voice when Ben brushed his thumb over my jaw to wipe away the tears that had escaped down my cheekbone despite my resolve to keep my emotions in check, so he didn't feel like he had to comfort me when I was the one trying to make amends.

"It's just who you are, the only man you know how to be. So, though a part of me will always be frustrated that you felt you had to kiss Max instead us just believing in us like I did, I also understand that you needed to say goodbye, and close that chapter of your life."

"I know I hurt you, Ben."

"You did," he agreed without any hesitation, and I didn't know what tore my heart out harder-- that his voice was so even, or that he brushed another tear away from my face before it could slide completely down my cheek. "And you'll never do it again."

It wasn't a question.

"Never," I agreed, my voice hoarse as I leaned into his touch to kiss his palm before his fingers moved beneath my chin to force it up gently so our gazes could meet.

"It's been over a year since this happened, so you've had ample opportunities to tell me before, but you said you had to tell me tonight. Why?"

His hand tightened around mine when I swallowed hard, as if he could see my panic levels rising.

"Easy," he murmured, his voice as steady as his hold when he moved his hand from my face and to lay it over the one still holding mine to trap me lovingly. "I'm here Sam. Right here. Talk to me baby, please."

I nodded, but reached for my water glass with the hand he didn't have hostage. The mere seconds it took to drain it dry wasn't nearly enough to moisten the dryness in my throat to smooth my voice completely.

"Do you like the flowers?"

The confusion Ben's eyes as I seemingly changed the subject was obvious, but he followed my gaze to the bouquet of a dozen roses that I'd given him earlier in the evening when he'd come home. Ben loved it when I gave him flowers, especially roses, because they reminded him of how I'd first admitted that I loved him. I hadn't been able to find the words I'd so desperately needed that night when I'd realized that I could lose him forever if he walked out of that parking lot without me overcoming fear and telling him exactly how I felt.

I'd given him flowers several times since then, simply because I loved how his face lit up at such a simple gesture that wasn't that difficult for even my own romantically-stupid ass to pull off. The florist always did the real work, telling me what each flower meant before she put it into a bouquet. I'd never told Ben about any of that before, but tonight I wasn't holding anything back.

"Did you know that the color of roses symbolize different things?"

Ben shook his head though his warm smile was immediate, obviously both pleased and curious about the sudden history lesson.

"I just assumed you were feeling festive," he teased as his gaze swept over the multicolored bouquet before returning to meet mine. He winked and I chuckled.

I usually only gave him red roses because I knew they were his favorite due to a combination of his sensual, romantic personality, and the ridiculous, but adorable obsession he had with the original seasons of, The Bachelor, where red roses had in his words, represented true love triumphant.

There were three red roses and two white, both for their meaning and because the florist had said that in multicolored bouquets, flowers should always be arranged in oddly numbered groups for aesthetic purposes. I'd been less concerned about aesthetics then I was about what I wanted to say with the flowers, but I'd conceded to that advice since there were only seven other colors that I'd wanted to use that spanned the spectrum of a rainbow.

"You know I'm not great with words, so I figured these would help with everything I want to say to you tonight. Granted, I wrote it all down first and then spend a week memorizing everything so I wouldn't have to break out my index cards and destroy all suave street cred."

Ben arched an eyebrow, but his grin remained as I withdrew one of the red roses from the vase and cleared my throat slightly.

"Ok... so red is obvious; love and passion--what I feel every time you kiss me... especially right before you get me on my back with my wrists pinned down by your strong hands and you're kissing me like oxygen isn't something we have to worry about."

I grinned when Ben's breath hitched in surprise, obviously not expecting that. I wasn't usually a huge talker in or out of bed, but this was the most massive turning point in my life to this point.

"Whether you're fucking me so hard that I can't think of anything but how good your cock feels pounding into me while your lips and tongue light up every nerve ending in my body, or you're making love to me so slow and easy that your body tells me how tender your heart is without any words, when you and I come together, it's always with both love and passion."

I laid the red rose down on the table in front of Ben and reached for the pink one. When our eyes met, there was a hint of arousal in his, but also a gentle demand to keep going now that I had him hooked, so I submitted to him easily like I always did because we still had a long way to go.

"Pink means romance, gentleness, admiration and happiness; everything I feel when you leave a mini Kit-Kat bar wrapped in a neon colored post-it with a stupidly romantic quote written on it because you know that they're my favorite." I smiled shyly. "So damn hokey, but they make me ridiculously happy because of your casual thoughtfulness as much as the sugar rush. Pink, because I admire your dedication to always putting us first even if you have to rearrange your schedule to squeeze in a quick coffee break with me at the auto shop between writing your sermons, and your other important responsibilities."

I laid the pink rose beside the red, then picked up the yellow one. "Amber, the florist, said yellow symbolizes friendship, usually platonic friendship."

"You're on a first name basis with your florist?"

Ben's teasing smile was at my expense, but I could hear the unmistakable delight lacing through his words, and my own smile came easier now, steadying my nerves.

"She's never let me down with helping me figure out what I want to say through flowers when the words don't come easy."

"Oh? And what's yellow say other than that you're an extremely cute contradiction for symbolizing platonic relationships after you just finished telling me how much you love feeling me claim every inch of you from heart to butt?"

My grin deepened when Ben laid his hand over mine again, kicking up my pulse with just a simple stroke of his thumb against the sensitive webbing between my thumb and forefinger.

"I said that's what Amber told me yellow means. To me it represents all the times you've held my hand just like you are right now, steadying me whenever my hardest memories try to sneak in. Your warm touch always kicks them to the curb. It also reminds me of the time you secretly changed your ring tone in my cell so when you called while I was at the bar with the guys from work, it played the Toy Story version of, 'You've Got a Friend in Me." I snorted. "We're talking endless amounts of shit talk at my expense for MONTHS."

Ignoring Ben's chuckle, I handed the rose to him so he could he set it down on the table himself.

"I secretly think you liked that one even more than when Boyz II Men's, I'll Make Love to You went off while you were standing in for Sofia at Emma's Daisy Scout meeting," he said with a self-satisfied smirk.

"I think that's what got me promoted to permanent stand-in for those meetings," I said with another snort.

Ben grinned. Is it my fault that you look cute in that Daisy Scout t-shirt, or that the other troop leaders are so open-minded?"

"If you want me to keep going, shut it."

Ben's dimples flickered deeply when he obediently pretended to zip and lock his lips before sliding the 'key,' into his pocket.

"Peach," I said as I held up the next flower. "Appreciation, sincerity and gratitude." I felt my expression soften and hoped he could see the emotion in my eyes that I used to keep bottled up after years of learning bad communication habits from my abusive father.

"I know I've messed up a lot, Ben, but never doubt my sincerity when I say how grateful I am that you let me be a part of your world."

"I guess Emma's been making you watch The Little Mermaid again."

Ben winked when I eyed him, his expression so warm and satisfied that it made all this hokiness outside of my comfort zone completely worth it.

"Orange," I continued, taking that rose out of the vase after I put down the peach one. "Fascination, passion, enthusiasm, attraction, and desire. Like the desire I feel for you which sometimes terrifies me because it's grown like gangbusters since we met and has become so much more than just the physical fascination I have with the unconsciously sexy way you move. I fell for the zest you have for life, and that damn eternal enthusiasm you approach every new adventure in your life with."

"You have no idea how much I want to red rose you right now," Ben murmured as his gaze raked over me in an almost tangible caress that made my skin tingle and not just from nerves this time.

"Hold that thought in reserve for the next time I annoy you by leaving my socks on the bedroom floor."

"In front of the hamper, Sam. Right in front of the hamper."

"I have a great three-point shot from the door after I take off my sneakers, so I don't get our bedroom rug dirty. Not my fault the lid to the hamper is always closed."

"You always close the toilet lid after using it and then flip it up again when needed. Same concept."

My grin deepened when Ben snorted, though I couldn't hide my shiver when he slid his bare toes up against the inside of my calf, pushing up the hem of my jeans.

Ben noticed immediately like he always did, and the desire in his lazy smile spoke as much to my soul as it did to my dick.

"Just so we're clear, I plan to commit every single word of this to memory. I don't know what magic romance beans you ate tonight, but get me an entire jar, and I'll mix them in with the coffee beans every morning for the rest of our lives. For once I'll approve of you drinking yours black as death if it hides any aftertaste that might stop the medicine from going down."

I smirked. "Not my fault you like more than a spoonful--or ten-- of sugar in yours to drink it down in the most delightful way."

We grinned at each other like two fools who'd obviously been spending too much time around Emma and the Disney Channel. But, beneath the warmth, I felt some of my nerves creeping back when my brain registered that he'd said the rest of our lives.

God Ben, I hope you meant that.

"Burgundy," I said, pausing as he reached for the rose himself this time. "It means an even deeper passion than red does."

"Deeper than when I get inside of you when you're straddling my hips and riding me like you weren't born for anything else, before you break screaming and paint my skin with your spunk?"

Sweet fucking hell...

I cleared my throat when Ben ignored my attempt at keeping a straight face, and just grinned at me like a damn Cheshire cat. His sensual accent made the carnal obscenity even hotter, and reminded me of what he always said; that beneath the collar he was still just a man. A man who apparently had a very definite thing for me.

"It also means unconscious beauty," I said, trying not to smile back and get off track. "Which is what you are when you're not actively using your pheromones to try and turn my attempt at romance into me begging you to fuck me on the damn floor."

"Sorry."

His smile said he wasn't a damn bit sorry.

"Purple," I said after I'd cleared my throat twice, trying to ignore how Ben was stroking the burgundy petals slowly across his lips and then down along the strong column of his neck to hover over his throat-- the spot on his body that I most loved to kiss because from there I could feel every physical reaction he had to my touch vibrating through his vocal cords beneath his skin.

"Not a natural color," I continued, "but, Amber said they symbolize enchantment and the mystical; things that don't really make sense like love at first sight--which I've always thought was fluffy bullshit until we met, and I had to start increasing the mileage of my morning runs from 10 miles a day to 15 to build up enough stamina to keep running away from my desire to surrender to said fluffy bullshit."

"I'm so incredibly turned on by how well you take notes."

My lips twitched because beneath the teasing, I could hear Ben's sincerity seeping through. "Focus. I'm almost done."

I pointed the purple rose at Ben and he took it though he set it down instead of the burgundy one which he stroked across his lower lip again.

"Green roses are dyed to symbolize spirituality, hope and balance."

I exhaled slowly and brushed the petals of the green rose against my skin like Ben had. His gaze was hawk-like as it tracked my movements when I brushed across my temples, and then my own chest with the flower.

"My mind and body feel balanced because I can finally open up enough now to tell you without fear, that I'm in love you. Because I am. I love you Ben, and I need you because you're my safe haven, a place where I can find the peace I never thought I'd feel with someone else."

"Oh Sam..." Ben's expression morphed past its usual gentleness into a realm of new, drowning deep emotion I'd never seen before, like he was the one being humbled instead of me.

We'd said I love you so many times over the last year, and meant it every single time, but looking into Ben's eyes, I knew I wasn't the only one who felt that those three words had never carried as much weight as they did right now. The difficulty and pain I'd experienced telling him about Max, and then the segue into the silliness and flirting we'd somehow managed after our renewed commitment to moving forward, suddenly seemed like insignificant emotions now that we were suspended in this fragile new zone of an intimacy more profound than any of the moments we'd ever shared together before.

"Last one," Ben said, quietly offering me the white rose.

I shook my head, keeping my gaze locked on his as I somehow managed to steady my suddenly shaking limbs long enough to slide out of my chair, and get on both my knees in front of him. One knee was traditional, but I didn't trust my stability right now. Ben was my heart and soul's balance, but anxious anticipation threatened mine.

"White apparently means a lot of different things, from spirituality to innocence and reverence, but the three other meanings that resonated most with me were new beginnings, purity, and soul deep love..."