Fifth Anniversary Honeymoon Cruise Ch. 01

The weekend and the following week were not happy times in the Schafer household. The lighthearted kidding around was gone and, in fact, there were long periods during which there was no communicating. When forced to face the issue of Julie's cruise, they went around and around, each repeating their same arguments and digging themselves more firmly behind them. Mark kept asking why a newly promoted, only moderate level administrator, was so crucial as the bank's representative that her career effectively was over if she declined the assignment - at least at that bank. She only had Henry's testimony for that. In addition, he asked several time as to who would accompany Julie.

Julie responded that Henry knew what he was talking about and she trusted him. In addition, every time it came up, she promised to ask about other delegates to the conference but she never did - but she kept promising to remember next time.

Actually, Julie wasn't really forgetting her promise to Mark - she was just afraid to ask because she was scared of the answer she would get and what it would mean to her. Finally, however, she felt that she could wait no longer and, as she was ready to leave for home she posed the question, "Henry, I'm sure that I will not be the only person on the conference cruise. Who else will be going?" The answer was exactly what she had feared - and half hoped!

"Why I would never send my favorite administrative assistant off on a seven-day cruise without me! I will be proud to be your companion and we will have a wonderful time impressing everyone!"

A surge of excitement - sexual excitement - flashed through her as she heard what she had suspected. At the same time, her conscience sent a flood of guilt through her because there was no doubt about what Henry intended. The kisses before she left that evening were intense and, for the first time, the kisses weren't all. This time there was groping and fondling as a prelude of what was to come. So, as she wended her way home, sexual heat and anticipation warred with monumental guilt, but there was also no doubt which emotion was dominant and her panties were drenched before she got home. Still, as she approached the door and knew that Mark was on the other side, self-reproach and shame briefly replaced the sexual excitement and she actually dreaded opening the door.

When she came into the house it was obvious to Mark that she was nervous but he said nothing other than hello. There had been little conversation for some days so that was no surprise that the greetings were so sparse. For days it had seemed that no matter what the subject of a conversation it soon would degenerate into another acrimonious debate about Julie's cruise alternatives. That is exactly what happened later that evening. Inevitably, Mark asked his familiar question, "Have you found out yet who you would be going with?"

Julie was flustered by that question because, of course, she not only had found the answer but also that she was virtually committed to sleeping with another man for the entire cruise. In addition, she had just exchanged what could only be described as passionate kisses with that same man. Her panic reaction, fueled by frustration, guilt and an inability to respond truthfully, was to attack - she went ballistic! Her face turned red and she scowled as she began to berate Mark.

"You always ask that silly question and I won't listen to it again! What the hell difference does it make who goes on the cruise? Somebody will take care of it. You don't really care about me and my career. You just want to control everything! You know that I have to go on the conference cruise or I'll be finished at that bank and you just don't care. Henry warned me about not going and you're trying to make me doubt him."

She ranted and raved, saying things that she knew were untrue and hurtful, accusing Mark of being self-centered and selfish. She said that he was only interested in computers and his career, not hers. She got wilder and even accused him of being jealous of Henry. Things had been bottled up in her for weeks and the tension poured out in her guilt-fed fury.

Mark just sat there, implacably staring at her and listening to her tirade. She finally ran down, actually being almost incoherent at the end. He waited to make sure that she was finished and then, calmly said, "Thank you. You have answered my question and told me exactly what I needed to know even if I'm gravely disappointed. I'm sure that you will enjoy yourself." He got up and spent the rest of the evening in his office.

Julie sat there at the table, her blood pressure gradually returning to normal. Unfortunately, as she calmed down and her fury abated, reality set in and she painfully recalled parts of her outburst that both shamed and frightened her. "Oh my god, I said those things to Mark! Will he ever forgive me? Tears formed in her eyes as she realized how grievously she may have hurt him. At that moment any thought of career and Henry receded into the background for she knew that Mark meant more to her than either.

Forcing herself to her feet, she reluctantly walked into Mark's office and saw him sitting in his recliner and staring into space. "Oh, Mark, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean any of those things I said. I've been under such pressure over all of this for so long now and I just went crazy. I want our fifth anniversary honeymoon cruise as much as you do, but I'm torn by a real need to advance in my career. You've always supported and helped me in every way and I wanted your approval this time. I feel awful and I just blew up. I love you more than anyone in the world and I hate us pulling apart over this. Now I've made it worse by saying all those vicious, hurtful things! Please forgive me!"

"Oh I forgive you for what you said, Julie because I honestly believe that you were just striking out when you faced a no-win situation. The ironic thing was that I saw the answer to my question written on your face before you started your diatribe - the answer to my question and, I'm afraid, much more. You are right when you say that we have pulled apart. Unfortunately, you have widened the gap between us and it may become Grand Canyon size, depending on what you do. You have choices before you and you must remember that whichever choice you make will have significant repercussions and consequences. Frankly, I believe that you have already made your choice and I fear the result. Remember the ballerina in that movie you like and the result of her decision. That didn't work out well."

Julie was stunned by Mark's comments. She suddenly realized that he was more aware on her dilemma than she had realized. He had read the guilt on her face and had made the correct evaluation of the situation. His ballerina comment was unerringly to the point and described her exact situation. The movie was "The Red Shoes" in which a dancer was forced to make a choice between her husband and a career as a prima ballerina. She chose the stage and, as Mark said, it didn't turn out well. The reference was just was too apropos and Julie cringed as she realized that she faced much the same choice.

It was a long, quiet weekend during which Julie found sleep elusive. Neither she nor Mark was interested in rehashing the issue again, but the elephant was definitely in the room. Monday morning Julie drove to work with nothing settled. She wanted it both ways but that wasn't an option - unless she managed to withdraw from the conference cruise and not be punished for doing so. As she entered the building, her mind was telling her that taking that risk was the best option but, somehow, her feet carried her into Henry's office and her fate was sealed.

Wrapped in his arms, the recipient of a passionate kiss, she made a last minute effort by asking him, "Henry, are you sure that I can't at least sound out Mr. Devon? I can't be important enough for the plans for the conference that he would care if one of the others were chosen. Mark's taking this very badly. I love him and I don't want to lose him!"

"Now, honey, why would you want to risk your career? Mark's upset now but he'll get over it. Besides, I really put you forward for this and I would be very disappointed if we can't be together on that cruise."

There was further reassuring, more promises that this was a good career move, etc. - all accompanied by hugs, kisses and more fondling and exploring. By the time the work day was over, Julie's qualms had been erased and her libido heated up. In fact, when she approached the house that afternoon, the guilt that had plagued her had been eased sufficiently for her to reveal nothing on her face.

For Mark, this was discouraging for it told him that the battle was probably lost. She had awakened to reality after her tirade, her apology and his warning, but whatever ground he had made up had vanished. His position had been made clear and obviously had been rejected. It appeared certain that career had won out over her marriage and her husband. Seemingly conceding defeat, he even raised the question of whether he could join her and he could be with her when conference business was over for the day. As he expected, that trial balloon was shot down - she would be busy all day and in the evenings, working and networking. It was painfully obvious that she just didn't want him there.

Her dismissal of his proposal was summary with no sign of regret on her part. It was one sign of her arrogance and condescending attitude returning. In fact, by the end of the week, she wouldn't even discuss the issue, simply stating "I'm going on the conference cruise and there is no point in discussing it!" Queen Julie was back and Mark recognized that the woman he had married and loved had, once again, succumbed to the allure of power and success and he basically pulled back as the gulf between them became overwhelming wide.

So, it was obvious at that point that Julie's mind was made up and that nothing was likely to change it. However, there was a due date that had to be addressed and it provided one last opportunity to cause her to think of consequences. "Julie, I know that you are not prepared to have a rational discussion of the conflicting cruises but we have a financial issue to confront - no conversation, just a final decision. Please listen without going ballistic again. Last March we went over the cruises that fit our fifth anniversary and we selected the one that was best for us. Ten days in a luxury suite and you selected the suite location that you wanted. The cost for the suite itself was just under $12,000 plus additional charges for excursions. Very expensive but it was to be a major event in our lives.

"We could have cancelled at various times with a certain percentage of the total cost as a penalty but, of course, we never considered doing so. Today's date is Sunday, July 27 and we are scheduled to depart Sunday, August 24, one month, four full weeks, from now. I talked with our travel agent and she said that if we cancel before midnight tonight, she may be able to get at least part of our $12,000 refunded, depending on whether they can rebook our suite. The situation is clear. Unless we cancel our booking today, our cruise will be confirmed and we will be responsible for the full $12,000. If we cancel, we probably will get something refunded."

He placed his laptop before her. "As you can see, I have written an email to our travel agent instructing her to make the cancellation. Now, no discussion or argument. You know what I want, but you will make the decision. If you hit 'send,' you will cancel our fifth anniversary honeymoon cruise and, presumably, go on the conference cruise. You will be joined by a colleague, whoever he - or she - may be.

"If you hit 'cancel,' you will not be sending the email message to the travel agent. You will be confirming that you will join me, your husband, for our honeymoon cruise and permit someone else to take the company-provided cruise."

"One final point. This is a major, probably a life-changing, decision and certainly will have serious consequences. It will, without doubt, have a fundamental impact on our marriage and relationship. Think carefully before you decide."

He looked at her and saw that same stubborn, annoyed expression that he was becoming used to and knew what the decision would be. He turned away from the table, heading for his office, but almost immediately he heard the 'ding' of an email message being sent out. He turned back, looked at what was now a smug, almost contemptuous smile on her face.

"I assumed that that would be your decision from the way you've been acting, but I thought that you would at least have the courtesy to consider my feelings and pretend that they mattered to you by hesitating a moment before hitting send. Obviously that is not the case since you showed me no respect by hitting 'send' in such an insultingly short period of time. You certainly have made your final decision crystal clear and I will not raise the issue again."

He felt anger rising, but, as he looked at the woman he had unreservedly loved for almost nine years, that anger was washed away by his grief at having lost her. He just stared at her, stunned as he suddenly became aware that tears were flowing down his cheeks. That was totally unexpected and he was embarrassed at showing such emotion in the face of her complete lack of concern. Even worse, her response to his distress and sorrow was what he saw as a flash of condescending pity.

That look on her face jolted him out of what was almost a trance that bound him. Wiping his tears away with a napkin, he managed a sorrowful smile and, looking her directly in her eyes, he said, "I'm sorry. I guess I'm just too sentimental. As the song says,

'When a lovely thing dies Smoke gets in your eyes.'

It really was a lovely and wonderful thing for almost nine years, but you have killed it! I really am sorry."

On the verge of losing it again, Mark held himself together long enough to walk into his office and quietly close the door behind himself before tears flowed again. If he had looked back, he would have seen a different expression on Julie's face. His last statement had hit her hard as she suddenly realized that actions do, in fact, have consequences. She had expected an angry barrage attacking her behavior and her transparent lies about not knowing who her "roommate" would be on her cruise. She certainly had expected another appeal about their fifth anniversary honeymoon and their plans for children. Instead, she was presented with a husband who obviously was heartbroken but resigned to her infidelity and who accepted that their relationship, their marriage, was irreparably damaged.

If he had looked back, actually rejoined her, would the end results have been different? We'll never know because he just closed the door and collapsed into his recliner. Like an endlessly replaying movie reel he sat for hours trying to understand how a loving, intimate relationship could deteriorate so rapidly. What had gone wrong? Had he done or not done something? How had Julie changed so much? What should he do,? What could he do? Over and over those and other questions plagued him until, finally, he lapsed into an unrefreshing sleep.

Julie was also plagued by uncomfortable thoughts as she was forced to look at possible serious consequences in the real world as opposed to her fantasies. She asked herself the same questions that Mark pondered over - What should she do? What could she do? etc. - but what he wanted was simple. He wanted his wife back! He wanted their dreams back! She wanted those things too, but her success in her administrative role had fueled other desires - she liked the respect and power and she wanted more of it! And if that dream, that desire meant having a sexual affair with her boss instead of enjoying their long-planned fifth anniversary honeymoon - well, so be it! She would make the same decision the ballerina had made and she just had to hope for a better result!

That is not to say that she had an untroubled mind as she tried to sleep. As she said to herself, "I think that I am two people in one body - a loving wife and a conniving, self-centered bitch! How could I have been so unfeeling? How could I have been so smug, feel so superior, as I pushed that button? I hurt my husband, the only man I have ever loved, so badly that he actually cried! He was heartbroken by my cruelty! I should have run after him, but I just couldn't move. He said that I have killed a wonderful thing and I'm afraid he meant our marriage! Please God, don't let that happen!"

Around 3:00 AM she woke up and discovered that she was alone and she quietly went downstairs and peeked in at her husband. He was slumped down, looking very uncomfortable, but sound asleep. He was exhausted and he didn't stir when she crept in and removed his shoes and spread a blanket over him. She felt an overwhelming love for him as she looked back at his defenseless figure, regretting the pain she was causing him.

Suddenly she was overcome by a wave of remorse and thought, "What am I thinking? I can't do this! He means more to me than a job and much more than Henry! Tomorrow morning as soon as I get to the office I'm going to call our travel agent and tell her not to cancel our cruise. She won't have had time to do anything about it that early. Then I'm going to tell Mr. Devon that I'm can't go on the conference cruise. If he is upset and acts as Henry says he will, I'll just get another job. Mark and our marriage are far more important than getting promotions!" She looked lovingly at her sleeping husband and felt that a massive burden had been removed from her shoulders.

Timing is crucial in many ways in determining the course of our lives and it certainly was so for Julie the following morning. She got in her car and headed for work, firmly committed to her decision to withdraw from the conference cruise regardless of the cost. She reached the elevator, went up to her floor and was hurrying to her office when she heard Henry call to her. He normally would not have been at work for another hour, but there he was calling her to his office. With the door shut he embraced and kissed her, his hand sliding up and down her back, pulling her to him. Then, getting down to business, he began talking about an important project that had to be done that day.

At several points Julie tried to get up the nerve to announce her decision, but, face to face, she lacked the courage to do so. She was lost. She hadn't had sex with Henry yet, but, for practical purposes, she already had been seduced. Her determination to put Mark and their marriage first faded into the background. The love was still there, but the dominance of Henry combined with the lure of success and power in her career outweighed that love.

That morning Mark woke up - actually "came to" would be more accurate - around 9:00 AM, long after Julie had left for work. He moved slowly as he worked the kinks out as he drew himself to his feet. His shoes being off and the blanket spread over him told him that she had been there, but her thoughtfulness did more to remind him of yesterday's rejection than anything else. It had been kind of her, but did nothing to mitigate the fact that she had chosen her company's assignment, and her supposedly anonymous roommate, over him and their honeymoon trip.

He dragged himself upstairs, stripped off the clothes he had slept in and took a shower, but he was hardly aware of what he was doing. His mind was in turmoil as he tried futilely to see a way out of his marital crisis. Last night was really his last hope of changing Julie's mind and she had treated him and his appeal with distain. The smug, condescending smile on her face after she sent the email message was etched permanently in his memory. His threat of consequences merely seemed to amuse her.