All Comments on 'Finally... flash story'

Too bad he had to wait two years.

Good, but rushed.

While anger against cheating spouses and their lovers is justified to some extent but the story should be reflecting the real world and not just a dream of the cheated wimp. How can a hourly basis worker be owner of the company?

Poetic justice, at its finest. thanks

Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!

4

Left me more confused than answered questions. 3

I so want to hear the whole story. 3.6*

I guess some people like such silly fantasies where the story bears no relationship to reality.

Fun short story.

Short enough to overcome the predictability.

I was still trying to decide if the house was going to be the punchline when I got there. If the story had been longer, I would have been certain and the laugh ruined. However, the story was short and the timing perfect.

For writers who do not know, comedy is intellectual, drama is emotional.

A joke is funny when the audience almost has it figured out when the punchline is delivered. Too soon and the audience does not get it. Too late and it falls flat. That is comic timing in a nutshell.

Drama (and especially suspence) depend on the audience being pretty sure what is going to happen while the protagonist does not. Timing is involved here but it is more of a not trying to milk the reveal and losing the audience's interest.

Rant over, but this short gem getd

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐!

Mathur_mk,

He was NOT the owner when he divorced. He married the owner.

It distills lots of forty-page stories into a flash fiction that captures the basics: delusional narcissist thinks she has the upper hand but realizes that what she took for granted has now fled her predatory grasp. Matt Forney argues that all women are narcissistic, essentially, but a more sensible look sees all humans as solipsistic to varying degrees (hubris).

CHOW is military food. CIAO is Italian for 'hello' and 'goodbye'. Even a short piece needs an editor to proofread. This was way too short to blow thru so fast but most 750 word stories are just that.

First rule when getting divorced from someone you no longer care about, live well. Personally I would not have waited two years, but thanks for the short story.

Fun

Fun and well written. Made my wife laugh

Too short to rate more than 3

Neat

A good start! Nailed the beats of a cheating wife story and had a nice, realistic bit of dialog. Agree with the chow/ciao comment below, but most of the critiques about the hourly wage, etc. seem to miss the point that this had clearly been planned out long before. Definitely want to see more--would love to see revivingservent could do with a broader canvas and more room for creativity. Well done!

These 750 word efforts make a decent synopsis of what could be much larger stories.

Doesn't sound like a winner. Why live through hell for two years?

Just a quickie: I don’t think you meant ‘chow.’ The spelling of the Italian word is: ciao.

A good start, well done!

Good story!!

Short, sweet, to the point, but very abrupt. But the bitch was burned. Unfortunately, I have to assume the asshole is still walking around upright. Oh, well. It's a good story, just not enough. 5 stars, the Bear liked it.

The BEAR

Wow, quick. Not a lot of development but as short as it was, not a lot of time for details. That's okay, a lot of the time those details could be left off anyway, they are so frequently skipped over. Thanks for the entertainment and sharing your talent.

great first story. keep it up.

Well done five stars

Why, pray tell, did he wait two years to kick her ass out?

What was that, an outline? It sure wasn't a story. It only took me a minute to read but it's a minute I'll never get back.

Good for what there was of it. The problem with the 750-word format is that there are SO many interesting details that get left out.

Courts dislike being lied to. And divorces are rarely quick and easy, they are long drawn out affairs especially when the husband is holding out.

In reality, she would have claimed spousal abuse and even if it’s a lie, it’s a permanent blemish. Throw in the deceit and lies about finances and the judge would have you and your lawyer in prison for contempt.

Should be in satire

Short and sweet

A wife didn't know that her Husband was an hourly wageworker for ten years?

Nice outline…

3 stars

Not bad for a new writer.

Fixed that whore! Take that slimy slut!!

Just one thing, but it drives me nuts: It's spelled ciao, although it's pronounced chow. It looks silly seeing chow instead of the proper Italian way.

Chow? Jesus wept.

Luck runs both ways.

Great outline with lots of potential but too much for a flash story and too little for a full story. I would like to see this properly developed by the author who clearly has the talent to do so.

I don't have a problem with the 750 word format per se but this felt rushed and thrown together quickly; it definitely needed more. As mathur_nk pointed out below no hourly paid worker makes enough money to buy the company he's been working for but similarly unbelievable was having a new wife and baby in place just twelve months after splitting from the first wife. I can see what the author was trying to do here but he needed to take more time over it and the story needed a longer timeline. Still, four stars.

JR

Contrived.

Was the revenge worth the pain of waiting two years? Probably not.

A bit rushed and 'cloudy' I didn't like it much, there were glimmers of a story but only to candle light standard, and NOT the romantic type!

Chow?

Mathur missed the point. He hadn’t been an hourly worker. The company made him an hourly worker to screw the STBX wife in the divorce.

Brilliant BTB

I liked the story and I would have enjoyed reading more...if you rewrite it and make it 2-3 pages I would definitely enjoy it.

I liked this but the premise needs details: the owner/new wife & baby; the financial play, etc.

Good thing I love btb's cause this one was a train wreck.

Too short to have any meaning, just consequences of cheating

Unlike many mentally ill writers who started their Lit writing with a cuck shit story, you come with a bang.

GOOD START, KEEP GOING...5 (not because story was that good, but for idea & encouragement)

Disney for dudes. 2 stars

This is your first story? The most tired, hackneyed, cliched tripe you could think of? Jesus, not exactly an auspicious beginning, kid. Ciao.

Not too bad for a flash story, definitely leaving a lot of details on the cutting room floor but a fairly complete story. I presume the MC waited two years to get all his ducks in a row, made sure she couldn't profit off their divorce. 4 stars, above average. Would REALLY love a full version of the story though, showing how things came to be such as him getting together with the wife's boss's boss.

He earned less than his wife but was paying the rent/food/utilities/car notes etc. while she spent her money on herself. So, why couldn't she manage to pay everything when the costs were split between her and her boyfriend?

Plus, the big one for me was... dumbass had known for TWO YEARS but had done nothing! Why not? Did he have a humiliation fetish? Why let it linger on, especially if there were no children? This is where it gets ridiculous.

To Mathur_nk, the MC was the hourly worker. His new wife was the owner of the wife's/lover's company.

Nice framework, but needed some fleshing out. Maybe another page or two.

Bad score, however, for no anon comments, which for me, are part of the story.

Stupid BTB. Save your ink.

So house is a rental, he’s an hourly worker, but they were members of a country club?

.

And yet he hooks up with owner of company, has kid, and is back in the rental house?

.

Weird……

.

2 **. Just didn’t make sense.

I realize it's short flash story, but it really could use to be expanded. How and when did the husband learn of the affair? What planning did he do over the 2 years? He let this go on for 2 years?! Too much is missing.

Stupid and poorly written. The first rule of writing is "Know your audience." Everyone who reads this site has read this same cliché-filled story scores of times. It's almost like you had a checklist. Why read this one? Mercifully, it was short.

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There was no real dialogue, no emotion, no surprises, no twists, no conflict, no plot, no discernable characters, and, worst of all, no story. You violated the other cardinal rule of writing: SHOW, don't TELL. All we got was a dry, flat, and uninteresting report. It wasn't even a credible piece we'd see in a newspaper.

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Fiction is about painting a picture with words so others can see, feel, and hear our story and by extension, identify with one or more characters, sometimes negatively. 1.0

-TJY

"Chow?" - It's spelled "ciao." it's only pronounced, "chow." It's an Italian greeting, can be used or either hello or good-bye.

~~~

"She and her boss, her boyfriend, were fired." - If her boyfriend was her boss, not only would she NOT get fired, she'd likely get a nice settlement on her sexual harassment suit.

~~~

@mathur_nk, HE'S not the owner, his new wife is.

First time see no name.

- Tonto (5-word - no count name)

A couple of responses mention the MC owning his company? Where did it say that?

Great short story!

If this is a 750 word try, then 4 stars. If not, then three stars. Benefit of the doubt aside, three stars.

JPB NOT BOB

What?!?

“Monday her life went to hell the same way mine had two years ago when I learned she was cheating on me.”

/

The MC knows for 2 years, keeps fucking her, and waits for her to choose to leave him?!? That gets the story one star only. It doesn’t matter what plans he makes, he willingly chooses to be a cuck for 2 years!!!

/

ZK

Ah, if only life were so tidy and those who are wronged might so quickly and easily come out on top.

Sketchy, bare-bones outline for a real story. I look forward to reading it when you get around to writing it. Hopefully absent all the clicheed, formulaic stuff.

Like Bob said but Really Flash is ok but like the little old lady in the B K said WHERE'S the MEAT!

750 stories are so hard and you nailed it!

A very well written 750 word tale. 5 stars DMW aka Sumnut96

The brevity of the story makes it difficult to discern how much the MC was clever versus how obtuse the adulterous wife truly was. What ownership of the marital home is implied by, "Neither of our names were [sic] on the house?" Was it a rental with an expiring lease? If so, it seems an unlikely dream home for a company president. Had the MC always been an hourly employee of his company or was this a change in his employment status made in preparation for a divorce? Hourly employees do not often have employer sponsored health or retirement plans. Why would the absence of these have come as a surprise to the wife? Hopefully the author will put his/her promising talents to use on a longer and more fully developed story soon.

Not nearly enough dialog. No reasons for anything, especially why he waited 2 fucking years.

Good. But way to short.

Complete story in a few words.

Who are these people and why should I care about them? Wifey cheats and drops the bomb; hubby was prepared; he lives the dream; her life turns to shit. How many thousand times has this been written on this site, occasionally with real characters? 1*

I am sorry about the Chow vs Ciao, I self edited and didn't catch that. Guess me and microsoft have a bit to learn.

The usual suspects loved it, and that is just fine and dandy. Congrats on your first submission, I am positive you have more to offer and personally look forward to watching your writing grow from strength to strength [okay so maybe that should be I hope to see,] This did read like an outline, all the good bits missing and rather flat in delivery only thing missing is the bullet points. As I said look forward to your next offering.

Doesn’t make sense. Too many loose ends. Three stars ⭐️ for this one.

Loved how the wife thought she had her husband diminished but he turned the tables on them. Only thing is it should've been a bit longer, expanding her adultery & reaction to getting the divorce papers, as well as the results of them having a serious affair. It seemed like it was skirted through. But for your 1st story, it was better than many more established authors I've read here. 4 stars. Bob

Short, sweet and 5 stars!

I gave the author 1* for making this continuous cliche filled story only 750 unoriginal words. Normally, the dozens of would be authors that write this formula story make their readers wade through thousands of words! So 2*

Wow, he was faking it for two years, and she had no clue? Just another shallow tepid distant marriage, dead due to lack of interest. Really pretty shitty people overall. Who cares?

What a BURN!!!! Done just enough, not over cooked.

Thanks! Gave you a 5*

Good, but a bit short, with no way to add to the story..

Nice long game btb in short form

so . . . . .

where is the burn?

he divorced her, stopped paying for her shit, and moved on

that isnt burning

Indulgent and boring

I liked it

5 stars

perfect

5*

"Well, I am all done. I will have my attorney contact your attorney so we can end this. Chow."

Bone. Apple. Tea.

Why did it take a year to get her and her boss fired?

Short and to the point. A fitting end to a scum sucking whore!

I read bruce1971's comment about the MC's plan having been put in place a long time earlier and I stand by what I said in my own comment which was that no hourly paid worker makes enough money to buy the company he works for no matter how far in advance he has planned. The only possible caveat to that is if he has an incredibly lucrative side hustle (in which case why would he still be working there?), no indication of which was given here.

JR

Yeah, could have been a great story, instead just skipped across everything, no depth, no story just something someone may have written in school for a class project.

BTB perfect

I think this is a good start, it's difficult to convey much detail in a flash story, but that being said the biggest sticking points are the hourly wage thing, I mean there isn't any way to really hide that for 10 years so the reader is left to assume too much, you have to lay out that something like "when I found out about her, I began to make plans I intentionally got demoted to hourly at work and have been burning savings to keep up the illusion" which would take care of the "why 2 years" questions and the appearance of shenanigans in divorce court. The mortgage thing you're really going to have to figure out cuz a mortgage is an entire process... getting names off a house without the wife getting wind of it is a difficult trick to pull, needs some explanation to be able to spend disbelief, but otherwise this is a good outline for a story, I'm a fan of the ghosting style burns myself.