Finding Love in Thin Places Pt. 01

It took another minute, but they reached fourteen quickly enough. Chris led them around the corner of the museum onto a footpath. As the first of the large stones making up the Avebury stone circle came into view, he heard their "ooohhs" and "ahhs." Even with the monoliths' weathered and craggy appearance, their size impressed the pilgrims, reaching two meters or more above ground. Stopping about ten meters up the trail and letting them gather, he began, his voice low and soft.

"This is a thin place," he let the words sink in for a moment.

"Over four thousand years ago, these stones and the Henge, or large ditch work you see, marked the boundary of an outdoor cathedral. The stone circle here is the largest -- in number of stones and area -- of any of the literally hundreds that exist in England. Within this circle are two smaller stone circles. As I'll show you, the entire site extends out south of here nearly two miles, including a long path to the Sanctuary, and the oldest part of the site, the Long Barrow. We're going to spend the afternoon here, exploring this site."

"I want you to recognize that this place is sacred. As important to the people who lived here over four thousand years ago, as All Saints is to you. It remains sacred. St. James Parish, over fifteen hundred years old, sits just over there." He pointed behind them, not far from the path they had just walked.

"The archeology demonstrates that people came from all over, travelling hundreds of miles, most likely on foot, to visit this sacred site. Like you, they were probably tired, cranky," this drew an agreeing chuckle, "and maybe even a little scared. As you walk through this ancient place, remember you too are a pilgrim. I want you to imagine their experience. I want you to be a pilgrim to this most ancient cathedral. To respect it, but to engage with it, as you would in any sacred site. You're welcome in this ancient holy site. To touch the stones. To pray. To meditate. To push the veil aside and feel God's loving presence."

He took some pride in that speech. He knew taking them to Avebury first thing contradicted all the usual tour guide recommendations: you don't plan anything for the first day. But from his experiences leading pilgrimage groups, the approach never failed to set a tone of reverence and awe. Like other groups, he could see its impact on their faces. As they wandered out into the field, Chris hung back, his presence no longer needed. But the place and meaning behind his words always affected him as well. The veil was thin here, if you let be, and he blinked away the tears that always seemed to come.

Kate wandered over to him. "You're good at this," she said with a measured voice, fighting her own emotions.

Chris laughed, "Oh shit, don't jinx me, it's gonna be a long twelve days, lots to go wrong."

"No seriously," she paused, "I'm not sure I would have expected that from the agnostic I knew back in the day."

Chris nodded, "Well, history profs are good story tellers. As for my beliefs, a lot happens in forty years." Tears slightly welling in his eyes again, as he stuffed his feelings down.

Kate nodded; she didn't trust herself to talk. She struggled between pushing her raw emotions down, her default for so long, and opening her heart as she had promised herself.

"Go. Find God's love here. I have."

The words raised goosebumps. Kate turned quickly, hiding her emotions from him, and walked away as the tears began to stream down her cheeks. She made her way to one of the large stones, not sure what to do. The midday sun stood high in the sky, and the stone, against the soft puffy clouds and blue sky felt like a protector, an Angel on earth.

Looking up at the sky over the monolith, she began to pray "I'm here, I don't know why, I don't know how, and I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm here...help me, please help me." And for only the third time since Steve's death, she sobbed.

Chris let the group wander for nearly an hour, and then began to slowly corral them back toward the museum. Ninety percent of guiding is really corralling. Tour guides often joked that it should be tour shepherd.

"OK folks, right around the corner is Circles Restaurant, your lunch is paid for, just go in, show them your badge, and they'll explain the choices. It's a couple of sandwiches, crisps, squash, fizzy juice, things like that. After we all eat and use the loo, we'll talk about the rest of this site."

The afternoon went as planned, although surprisingly no rain, despite the threat. You got used to the rain living in England and you simply prepared. Some of the group, Kate included, walked the path marking the West Kennett Avenue down to the Sanctuary. Others spent more time in the museum and would be driven to the Sanctuary to meet the rest.

Chris stayed with those opting to avoid the walk or enjoy the museum. He watched initially as Kate wandered through more stone circles and then began walking down West Kennett Avenue, lined with large monoliths. In many ways she hadn't changed. Her shape, the way she walked, and even the way she talked brought back vivid memories. He wanted to walk and talk with her. But he had a job to do. He knew it worked better to stay with this part of the group. About an hour and half later, he loaded those who had stayed at the museum for the short drive paralleling the West Kennett Avenue path down to the Sanctuary.

Scholars believed the smaller stone circle and henge, called the Sanctuary, had provided a place for the elite to gather, separate from the larger circles just to the north. The group wandered around a bit, it didn't have the same impact as those first stones, but Chris knew the next site would. He corralled them down the path, just a few hundred meters, to the West Kennett Long Barrow.

As the long earth barrow came into view, with its huge sarsen stones marking the east entrance, Chris could hear the exclamations from the group. Its hundred-meter length and three-meter height felt heavy, solid and ancient. The group quieted as they approached it, already feeling its sacredness.

"This is a burial mound,'' he began slowly, "it is even older than the stone circles and likely built for a powerful family. The remains of over forty people have been found inside. It reminds me that death has been a great mystery and great tragedy for all of humanity. For what else except the desire to overcome death would cause these people, who likely struggled to simply provide food and shelter, to commit such resources to building this?" He swept his arm down the length of the massive Barrow. "They longed for an afterlife, a resurrection. For a promise that they would see those who went before them again. And they kept their departed loved ones close. Evidence suggests settlements of the same era are within a minute's walk. We do this too, as we remember those who have gone before us. Think about your family, those you have lost, and how you endeavor to keep them close to your heart, like these people kept their loved ones right here."

Chris could see that many among the group could relate well. They began to explore and venture into the tomb and he climbed to the top, mostly to get away from them so that he could breathe.

The words struck Kate deeply. She stood looking at the entrance for a bit as others made their way into the barrow. She almost jumped when she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. Sarah stood slightly behind her quietly. After a moment, Kate hesitantly walked into the dark tunnel. This widest end opened into multiple chambers, and as her eyes adjusted, she saw others moving quietly through. She took a deep breath and began to walk slowly down the long passage. Her mind focused on thoughts of Steve. The images of their life together. She imagined his take on this, his beliefs about an afterlife. Could she feel him and his love here? Did these thin places let his love come through? Tears came again as the hole still felt so empty. He seemed so far away. She kept walking, disappointment building, her guilt over those final decisions gripped her heart like a vice. He was really gone. Completely. The darkness overwhelmed her heart. She was left with only guilt and loss.

Kate reached the end of the tunnel, her eyes squinted in the bright light as she emerged. She slowly focused on a beautiful field of day lilies, initially hidden by the mound. Her favorite flower. Steve had learned that and brought one on their first date and then every special day, and some not so special, after. The field contained hundreds of brightly colored day lilies in bloom, maybe enough to mark every day of their life together, maybe enough to mark every minute of every day. The surprise brought a laugh through her tears and an overwhelming sense of relief and peace.

She turned as Sarah emerged behind her. Kate just hugged her, "Thank you."

Chris saw the group emerging on the west end and moved down to herd them back to the coach. He gathered the pilgrims again and they counted off as they boarded.

Standing in the front, Chris shouted a bit for them to hear him over the engine noise as they moved onto the highway. "I know it's been a long day, and you're tired and, I hope, hungry. We're going to drive just a bit and should get to the hotel before six. They have a lovely restaurant where we'll have dinner about seven, and then you can get a good night's sleep and be ready for tomorrow."

John, `I need coffee' from the morning, walked up as they drove. "That was cool, but are we going to see Stonehenge? I mean, that's the premier site, right?"

Chris chuckled, "John, relax man. You're going to love this trip and I'll talk a little tonight about what we're doing tomorrow. But I'll tell you, you're going to be disappointed with Stonehenge." Chris winked as he said it.

John looked surprised but returned to his seat. Chris knew every group would have someone like him. Someone who needed to know what each step entailed, who voiced opinions about what they 'should' be doing and questioned every choice. By giving them just a little more information than everyone else, and never dismissing them, Chris usually disarmed the situation.

The evening went as planned. Chris sat Sarah at the head of the table and took a place next to her with Jenna next to him. Bill and Jane sat across the table. Sarah opened with a prayer followed by good food and lots of wine.. Chris gave his standard welcome speech and outlined their busy itinerary.

Kate stopped by Chris's seat near the end of the evening.

"I'm so tired, but I'm glad to be here!" She started, "I'm looking forward to tomorrow night!"

"Me too!" Chris smiled. "On all three counts!"

Kate and Meg headed off to their shared room.

Day 2: Bath

The next morning started the daily routine with breakfast at seven and bus call at eight. Chris instructed the driver to take a particular route to Stonehenge because of the view on the approach. As the coach topped a low hill the ancient monument popped up on the horizon, a little more than a kilometer away, starkly highlighted against the sky. Everyone saw it and gasped.

They spent about an hour wandering around the famous site, listening to the audio guide and walking the path roped off about six meters from the monoliths. They boarded the coach and headed to Bath by half ten.

"Our next stop is Bath, where we'll have some lunch and then tour some of the Roman sites. We started with the Paleolithic era. While the Iron Age has some fantastic sites, we're going to jump to the Roman era. The bus will get your bags to the next hotel, but we'll walk most of the afternoon ending at the hotel. Then tonight, like most nights, you're on your own for dinner. I can make suggestions if anyone needs them."

The day progressed well. The group enjoyed a long, but fascinating afternoon taking in the well preserved and presented Roman sites. When they arrived at the lobby of the hotel, Chris passed out keys and made some restaurant suggestions for the evening. As they all began to move toward the rooms, Chris caught up to Kate and touched her on the shoulder.

She turned and he said quietly, "Are you good for dinner with just me? Is that OK? And pub food?"

Kate beamed, "Yeah, that would be awesome."

"OK, meet me back here in a couple minutes. Get a jacket, it'll cool off tonight. I'll get us an Uber; we're going to a favorite place of mine."

After Kate left, John approached him, "Yeah, you were right, the best part of the Stonehenge thing was that first look. The other one seemed more meaningful. Thanks."

"No problem, John, I love the less well-known sites because they are more accessible. We'll hit a fair amount of the premier sites, like Stonehenge, but I've got some great places I've found wandering the countryside."

"Do guides ever join us for these dinners? Would you like to have dinner tonight?" John asked.

"John, I've already made some other plans, but another night for sure! I'd love to chat with you over dinner soon!"

As John turned to leave, Kate came back around the corner. John saw her approach, "Hey Kate, do you want to join me for dinner?"

"Oh, gosh, John, no. Chris and I were going to go play 'do you remember' and catch up on too many years."

"Oh. Right. Of course," he nodded, almost critically. But sauntered off to his room.

Kate smiled and softly whispered, "He can be a little..."

Chris smiled and nodded that he understood without her having to say it.

They climbed into the Uber a few minutes later and Kate asked, "So where are we going?"

"Quintessential country pub. First one I ever found, first visit to Blighty." He gulped for a minute remembering that trip with his young family, "Decent food, good beer, great place to just relax and chat. We might meet some regulars, I know a few of them at this point. It's about twenty minutes away. And that's almost the best part, no one else from the group can stumble in on us. I do this when I need a break, or just want privacy."

They chatted a bit about the Roman Baths as they rode and soon found themselves at The Bear. Sure enough, at least one regular recognized Chris and gave a wave as they took a table and ordered some food and beers.

"Kate, I wanted to say, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know," Chris's voice caught, "how difficult it is." His voice trailed off.

"I know you do. Thanks. And I'm sorry for yours," they each nodded.

The beers came at the perfect time to change the mood. "To old friends and tour groups!" They chuckled as they both said, "Cheers" and took that first sip of beer.

"So, how did you end up doing religious tour guiding?" Kate jumped in. "I knew you moved to England, but somehow missed the guide thing? I thought you worked at a University?"

"A little of both, a lot of pubs," Chris joked. "I became frustrated with my situation in the States and needed a change. The opportunity came to spend a year here a few months after Marie died. Just getting away and doing something at least a little different helped me. That contract ended but I've managed to put together a few projects with them on a case-by-case basis, which has let me stay in the country. I don't really need the money, so it's just fun interesting stuff. As for the tour guiding, I'd kind of always thought it might be fun. I led three youth groups back in the day and enjoyed the pilgrimages."

Kate interrupted, "That was, J2A, right? That's a great program."

Chris nodded enthusiastically in agreement, "Yeah, so I gave Amazing Journeys a call. I do OK with youth groups, but with the aging population, adult groups are really where the demand is. Turns out, adults like me better than youth anyway, except for John." They both laughed.

"So, are you here permanently then? Like never coming back to the US?"

Chris shrugged, "I just bought a little cottage up on Skye in Scotland. I'm debating whether to keep renting the place in East Anglia, where I've lived for the last three years, or just make the move to Skye. I expect to return to the US at some point, but not for at least a couple more years."

"Scotland?! Really!? Are we going to be anywhere near your house? Can I see it?" Kate asked with excitement.

"We're not, but I have some pictures on my phone." Chris pulled up a few pictures of a small stone cottage overlooking the water.

"Oh my God, this is so cute and the setting is so gorgeous." Kate gushed. "I'd love to see more of Scotland."

"How about you, how are you doing? I know so little about your career?" Chris asked.

"Well, right out of college I took the director position at the Community Care Group. At the time, it was basically, just a small food pantry. I'm actually pretty proud of it. Under my leadership it grew. I got grants that let us expand and offer more services to people in the community who needed it. We added health screening, parenting classes, job training, legal, and various support programs for those in need. I did that for over twenty years, although it seems like it went by in a whoosh."

She paused and took a sip of her beer. "As CCG grew, I worked with state and local government officials, and had some good press. So, when the Director of Community Services in the Governor's office opened, I got the call. It was exciting at first, but I think politics just isn't my thing. My main tasks seemed like pointless meetings with politicians and shuffling papers. Off the record," they both chuckled at the obvious political reference, "I was kind of relieved when the Governor lost the next election. I resigned right after."

She shrugged and continued "I took a position with a consulting firm. A bit of a tough transition at first, but I've done ok over the last decade or so. I'm winding down I think." She looked at Chris, "And Steve's death hit me hard. It's been a rough year."

Chris nodded. "It's been a year? Is that right?"

"Yeah, year and a half, I guess. This is really the first 'fun' thing I've done." She chipped up, "And look who's leading it!?" She laughed. Concern crossed her face, "And has it been, four? For you? Does it get any better?"

Chris took a long sip of beer. "Yeah, four." He nodded, "Sorta. But the," he paused, "the hole...hasn't gone away."

"Have you started dating again?" She asked. "I don't I think I could."

"A bit" Chris sighed, "but it's been tough, it's difficult to meet people, and, well, it's hard to find someone looking for what you want too."

The food came, avoiding the awkwardness, and as they began to eat Chris finished, "Something just ended, a couple weeks ago. Probably for the better."

Kate looked up and stared at Chris for a long minute, "You always wear your heart on your sleeve, don't you? You fall hard, and quick," she looked at him with caring and compassion, "I remember from when we dated. I'm still sorry I needed to end it. It wasn't you." She finished quietly.

Chris took a bite of steak and ale pie. Taking a minute to chew and swallow, following it with another sip of beer. "I'm the one who should be sorry," he started slowly. "I've got a lot more perspective on that now. Like I said, a lot happens in forty years."

Kate started to respond, but Chris cut her off, "No, let me say this, it's important. I've thought about telling you this for years now, but Facebook just didn't seem the place. I forgave you a long time ago. And then I began to see it through a broader lens. I think you were having health trouble?" She nodded and Chris went on. "You needed to end it to take care of yourself. And I think, honestly, we were in different places as to what we wanted. There's nothing there to be sorry about, you did nothing wrong, there's really nothing to forgive. I've kind of been on the other side of it, with my daughter. I think far beyond forgiving you, I understand now. "