Finding Love (Lock and Load story)

"I know. I love you too." Nathan glanced through to the kitchen to make sure Nancy was still preoccupied. "What about your mom? Have you told her?"

"No. I am a little scared to. I want to do it this weekend though. I think that is a band-aid situation. I need to do all the tearing off at once. Come clean and figure out how to make the repairs later."

"You can have dinner with her tonight."

"Will you come with me?"

"I guess... Why?"

"If she sees that you are okay with this then she will be less upset."

"I really do not know how I fit in to this."

"If she thinks that you are hurt by this she is not going to allow me to be me. She is going to demand that I am going through a phase. If you come she will see that you are in agreement and I am only doing this to me."

"Fine, I will come. I do not want to stay long though. I want to spend my weekend here in my bed with my women."

"I understand. Thank you, Nathan."

"Welcome Mandy." Nathan smiled, "Now let's get in bed and watch Meg and Tom figure out love."

Nancy was a full on snuggler. Nathan was a bit surprised by that, but the instant he sat down up against the pillows she was sliding close and pulling his arm around her and tucking herself as close as possible. She even threw a blanket over them so she could complete the cocoon. She settled the popcorn in his lap and stared raptly at the screen. She laughed out loud and sniffled at the sad parts and generally threw herself into the story. Nathan was having more fun watching her then the actors on the screen. Nancy was so open and interested.

Conversely, Amanda sat close but left some space, watched the movie but played with her nails, got up and went to the bathroom, got drinks for everyone. Generally moved and fidgeted through the whole thing. Nathan realized that he enjoyed the snuggling, enjoyed the quiet that sitting there warm and close was giving him. He enjoyed that Nancy could not seem to stop touching him. He actually thought about watching a horror movie to see if she would use him to protect her. The thought of Nancy clinging to him was endearing.

Amanda bored of the movie had eventually fallen asleep. As the credits rolled Nancy had silent tears running down her cheeks.

"Haven't you ever seen this movie before?" Nathan asked wiping her cheeks with his thumbs.

"Of course I have. It is one of my all-time favorites."

"Then why are you crying?"

"It was just so romantic..." She said crying just a little bit harder.

"Oh my god," he whispered against her lips, "you are killing me."

They kissed softly, snuggled in the blanket surrounded by each other. Soft sighs, warm caresses and deep languorous kisses in the quiet afternoon were more erotic than all of the things that she had ever learned at the school. After 30 minutes of heavy petting, Nathan looked at her in that cajoling way that gets many a high school football player laid.

"I am a good girl, I am not supposed to let you touch me there." Nancy whispered.

"I promise I will stop. You will still be a good girl."

"You promise?"

"Of course. I want you to be a good girl too."

"Really?"

"I wanna take you home to my mama. I want to show her that I found a good girl."

"Your mama doesn't like dirty girls?"

"Nope. She wants me to find a good girl to settle down and make babies with."

"But what if I am a dirty girl? I mean I want to be a good girl but when you touch me I think it would feel really good to be a dirty girl."

"Really? So when I touch you here, does that make you want to be dirty."

"Oh, yes."

"Okay, I am going to make you feel really good, but then I will stop before we go all the way. I want you to be dirty for just a minute then you can be good again."

"You think so? You think I can be good after being so dirty?" There was something in her question that was beyond the silly game they were playing, something that spoke to where she had been and how much she wanted to come back from it.

"I think that no matter how dirty you get, deep inside you are always a good girl. No matter what, I will always see a good girl." Nathan told her truthfully, just before he slid his fingers deep inside and rubbed her to completion.

Nancy smiled, "What about you?"

"I told you we would not go all the way. I am going to get up and make sure dinner reservations are in order." He said moving away from her. "But when I come back I make no promises that I am not going to get you very, very dirty."

Nancy curled up in the blanket still warm from Nathan and watched Amanda sleep. She looked to serene. It was unfortunate that she could not love her back, Nancy thought. She was so sweet and open that it seemed truly shameful that she was wasting her love. At the same time she was starting to understand. Sometimes there was no control over who the heart chose. It became very real to her that Nathan was the choice her heart was making. Like everything else about Nancy, her heart was jumping in with both feet without any regard for the consequence.

Nancy lay there pondering her fate, surrounded by the warmth and soon she was asleep. She dreamed of Nathan.

The room was filled with candles and the tub frothed with bubbles and steam. There was a cold glass of white wine sweating on the shelf next to the tub. There was soft music filtering through the room. Nancy noticed a note next to the wine.

Went out to visit my mom and break the news. Nathan went with me. Enjoy the bath. We will be back soon. Hope you had a good nap.

Love you,

Amanda

Nancy sighed and pulled off her robe. She stepped into the hot water and slowly sank down with a sigh. She drank the wine enjoying the tart coolness of the light Pinot Grigio. By the time she finished the wine the water was cooling. She toed the hot water tap and waited until the heat had spread to her entire body before she turned off again.

"This is exactly what I hoped I would find." Nathan said from the doorway.

Nancy jumped with surprise. "I didn't hear you come in."

"I noticed." Nathan's gaze swept over the tub. Only patches of bubbles remained and not one of them was actually shielding her from his view. "I sat in that restaurant fantasizing about you, here, just like this. I was so hard it hurt to sit."

"So, what, you left?"

"Yes. Mom wanted to talk things over with Amanda. She obviously was not prepared to hear that Amanda is gay." Nathan smiled slowly as he crossed the room. "So I gave them some time alone."

"How much time?"

"Amanda will be back at 11:30, so that gives us 3 and a half hours." He said rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

"What will we do with all this time?" Nancy asked innocently. "I could get dressed and we could play a game of scrabble."

"No."

"Parchesi."

"Nope."

"Twister?"

"Maybe naked." He grinned slyly at her as he began to undress. "First we are going to wash you, because I happen to know that you are a dirty girl."

"This large a bathtub is only likely to make me dirtier."

"Good, I want to see what you can do in a porcelain arena."

She watched as he bared his golden body to her view. He was honed to perfection and every inch of his skin was making her hotter. When he finally stripped his briefs from his legs, Nancy was panting with desire. Nathan stood beside the tub and devoured the sight of her as she devoured him.

"What is it about you that makes me want to hurry and wait at the same time?" He asked huskily.

"I don't know, but I have discovered the joy of savoring myself." Nancy scooted forward to make room for his large frame.

"No, I want a tubside seat for right now." He said. "I get to explore touch and taste first."

"Oh God." She moaned as she sank back in the water.

Nathan grabbed the soap the washcloth and proceeded to clean every spec of her skin, paying special attention to the tops of her thighs and breasts. He cleaned her with precision, messaging all of the tension from her bones and muscles. When she was completely soaped, he began to rinse her. His approach to rinsing was much more of an erotic act. He pet every inch of her with his entire hand and let the tips of his fingers trail over her sensitized skin.

A chill raced through her as he touched a particularly sensitive spot under her arm. "Are you cold?"

"No just very sensitive to your touch." Nancy whispered. His touch was stealing her soul and capturing her heart. She felt worshipped in her skin.

Nathan was worshipping. She was sweet perfection with a gift for hot kinky sex. His fingers trailed over her and he knew that he didn't want to give her up. Ever.

"What did you want to be as a girl?" Nathan asked overcome by the urge to know everything about her.

"What?"

"When you were a kid, what did you want to be?"

"A cheerleader."

"Really?"

"Weird, but that is all I wanted to be. Then I was and when I was done being that I didn't know what to do." Nancy's gaze was far away. "That is how I fell into this. I realized that I was directionless and Brad gave me direction."

"Have you ever thought of doing anything else?" Nathan asked seized with the need to get her out of the sex training business.

"No, I never gave it a thought, but then thinking isn't really my forte."

"Do not put yourself down!" His voice boomed off the bathroom walls. "Sorry, I don't like hearing you put yourself down."

"I am sorry. I was never the best student and I know that people think that I am ditzy. Sometimes it is easier to say it first before others feel the need to remind me." Nancy sighed. "I think I would like to see what else is out there."

"Baby, anything you try you will succeed at. You just need a dream."

"What did you want to do? When you were a kid I mean?"

"I wanted to play professional football, I wanted to develop a kick ass computer game, I wanted to be a cop." Nathan said, "I wanted to do everything."

"Wow, and people call me unfocused." Nancy giggled. Suddenly she paused. "I wanted to be married. I never thought of that as something to be but it just occurred to me that I wanted that."

"Do you want to get married still?"

"I would like to get married. I can't get married with this job though." Nancy said slowly. "It would not be fair. My husband will always know that I was unfaithful as a career choice."

"Would you give it up?"

"Yes. Love is much more important than a job. The guys I work with see this school as a way to clean the hypocrisy out of a marriage. I don't. I want to be totally committed to a person." Nancy said thinking how wonderful it would be to be totally committed to Nathan for the rest of her life. Warming to her topic, enjoying the idea she continued. "Now if my husband and I decide to seek something together, that would be different."

"So you would be open to doing 3-ways even if you got married?"

"Yes, if it was something we both wanted."

"Would you want a 'Master' for a husband?"

"Yes and no. I would want a sexually dominate man because I find the sex very fulfilling, but I would not want to spend every day in submissive pose, catering in and out of the bedroom. I love kinky sex, toys and role-play, but I want intimacy and love." Nancy had never spoken any of this out loud but it was helping her to get a clearer picture of what she wanted but talking to Nathan. "I want to have kids one day and I think that a strong female role model would be hard to create if it was always 'master & submissive.'"

"You want kids?"

"Yes. What about you?"

"I did. Amanda doesn't so I resigned myself to not having any."

"Well you are not marrying Amanda anymore, so your next fiancée may want too." Nancy said staring at the cooling water around her.

"Hey, you're right." Nathan said smiling.

"So you can dream again... Blank page future." Nancy said cheerfully, trying not to picture his future fiancée that was going to give him kids and be submissive.

Feeling the tension in her as he continued to slowly stroke her skin, he tried to soften the subject but could not help his curiosity. She was describing the future that he wanted, and he wanted to know more. "So marriage... Tell me more about what you want from marriage."

"I don't really know. It is sort of a new dream to me." She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from screaming 'You!' It took a great deal of self-control to keep her comments neutral and abstract. "I should start looking for a new job."

"What do you mean?"

"Well now that I am thinking about it, I really do want to get married, and I cannot do this with a husband. So in order to find a mate, I need to find another line of work."

"Why not wait until you found him then quit." Nathan asked trying to puzzle through her logic without thinking of her finding her happily ever after with some other man.

"I would not want to be a burden to my husband. It would be unfair to just assume that he would take care of me."

"What if he wanted to take care of you?"

"I would be open to a discussion but I would not want to change the financial level of a man. There would need to be an understanding that he would not put himself in dire financial straits so I can sit on my ass."

"What if you marry someone rich?"

"It would depend on him. If he felt like he needed to work all the time to increase his wealth while I drained his resources, I would begin to resent myself. If he had or made enough, that we could be comfortable without him exerting extra effort then I would consider it. I would revel in it if it were the right man." Nancy sighed thinking of Nathan.

"Really?"

"Yes. It would take adjustment, I think. I have supported myself since I was 17. To go to someone else to ask permission to buy a purse would be awkward, and not contributing would make me feel like I needed permission."

"I wouldn't expect you to come to me for permission."

"What?" Nancy whispered not daring to believe that he was casting himself in the role. Maybe he was doing it in a general way.

"Nothing, it is just that is understandable." Nathan shuttered his expression, "Turn on the hot water."

Nancy flicked the faucet with her toe. "Scoot up."

He slid in behind her. He stretched his legs out around her and pulled her back against him. He linked their fingers together and relaxed.

"How many kids do you want?" He asked, continuing his plan to find out all he could about her.

"Well, I want more than 1. Only children can be lonely."

There is was again, her reference to being lonely. It made his heart clutch to think about her being lonely. "Were you an only child?"

"No, but my best friend Reese was. She was always at my house because her parents were work-aholics. She worked really hard to be perfect so that they would be proud of her and they were, when they had time to notice. I had my sister and my brother to keep me company even when my parents were busy. They drove me nuts but they were there. We would laugh, and be mean to each other but I used to notice Reese watching us so wistful. It was sad."

"Do you see your family?"

"Yeah. I spend holidays with then and I get together with my sister for lunch at least 3 times a month. I go to my brother's softball games and cheer for him."

"What about your parents?"

"I go to dinner at their place 2 times a month, roughly. I talk to my mom on the phone a lot."

"What do they think that you do?"

"Self-defense instructor at Lock and Load."

"What?"

"It is technically what I do. I just happen to teach other classes as well."

"Really?"

"Why are you surprised?"

"It just never thought..."

"I have skills that I learned from being a cheerleader, constant physical activity and a lot of lethal training." Nancy said not bothered by his surprise. "I needed to do something that I could tell my family, so I trained."

"Why did you start the other training?"

"I am good at it. I have always been very open sexually, I am not inhibited by social conceptions of sexuality. I can explain the action needed to get the feeling desired so that others can understand." It sounded like a rehearsed speech to Nathan.

"Why did you start it?"

"Brad started the school, and needed a girl to help. I was lost, the only thing I had ever been was a cheerleader. I was kind of a nympho back then, still kind of am, so it fit. I was getting the sex doll treatment and it was fun. Brad trained me, and trained me well. He found my natural ability and openness to explore a home. I started training and living at the school. I was recruiting, and helping other women discover a sexual freedom that I was ridiculed for my whole life, without judgment. I was so good, I recruited my best friend."

"Reese?"

"Yeah, she runs the office. You actually spoke with her when you signed Amanda up."

"Reese, the hot ass girl in the office?"

"Yes."

"She is amazing."

"Did Brad have her perform?"

"Yeah. Not on me, but on him."

"Reese is something special. She has this romantic seductive quality that brings you into the scene."

"Yes, that is true. What about you?"

"My style?"

"Yeah."

"I am a dirty porn star. I have sex like a show. There is a lot of flexibility and acrobatics. I am like a gumby sex doll."

"Well, I think that there is more than that to it."

"I have great technique. I know the best way to get anyone to that point of pleasure based on the physical reaction. Reese is more based on the sensual emotional connection that her personality creates. I am just not that emotional."

"I think that you have a lot of emotional connection."

"Maybe with you." She said without thinking. It was so telling and she was not ready to have her feelings exposed.

"I wonder if that is true. I mean Amanda felt something."

"She is experiencing the first exposure to a new lifestyle that she has been avoiding." Nancy sighed. "She is transferring the feelings for being finally able to be who she is sexually into an emotional connection. She does not love me."

"I am not sure. It would be hard not to."

The emotion in the bathroom was overwhelming her. So as always she deflected real emotion with physical demonstrations. She got up on her knees and began to caress Nathan.

"Why are you doing that?"

"We are alone in a tub, naked and you are asking me why."

"Yes. I am curious as to why when we start talking about love and emotion, you start trying on the porn star thing."

"Do you not enjoy what I am doing to you?" She asked boldly reaching under the water to grab his erection.

"Well as you can see, I find you very desirable. I would however like to know you too."

"What do you want to know? What is there about me that could possibly interest you beyond the multi orifices that I am willing to open for you?" Nancy said with venom.

"Wow. Who did this number on you?"

"Look, if you are not interested in fucking me into a coma then I think I am clean enough, thanks." She stood and stepped out of the water.

"You know, it is not going to work, right?"

"What?" She snapped.

"You are not going to be able to distance yourself from this."

"I have no idea what you mean."

"I will get my answers if I have to put you over my knee to get them."

"Threat?"

"Promise. One that I will enjoy fulfilling."

"Look this is a fantasy island weekend. I am not going to bare my soul just because you are curious."

"Anything I want for the entire weekend."

"Anything you want sexually."

"Really, you think that pushing this is the way to go?"

"I am not sure what you are doing but I am not capable of this." Nancy panicked.

"What human interaction? I want to get to know you, why is that so hard?"

"Fine you want to talk let's talk. I am practically a prostitute. I sell my body and my sex for a paycheck. I had boyfriends that fucked me regularly, but never once said that they loved me. I am boring but bendable. I am not smart except about sex and I am no good. There is that what you wanted to know."