Finding Myself Ch. 01

I knocked on Rachael's lounge door.

"Come in," she called.

I opened the door and stepped inside.

"Well, hello Chrissie! You look great."

"Thank you, and for the dress, how much do I owe you?"

"Nothing, it was a gift. Seeing you smiling is payment enough."

"No, that's not right, I can't, it's too much," I objected.

"It was in the window at the Cancer Charity shop. It was a steal and I had it dry cleaned for your first night out. It looks so good. Do you need a lift?"

"Well I was going to drive."

"How can you party if you're driving?"

"I wasn't going to be drinking."

"I think you need to have a glass of something to celebrate. Live a little! I'll drop you and then you can call me for pick up."

"On one condition, I will give you some money for petrol."

"Okay, I agree. I don't want you wandering around with strangers. Have you charged your phone? Have money in your purse? Lipstick?" she prompted.

"Yes mum, I'm set," I laughed.

The venue was about a ten minute drive, we chatted in the car giving me a distraction.

"Go, have a lovely time, call me when you're ready for pickup."

"Rachael, thank you for everything, you're a very good friend."

We had a quick hug before I set off to the door, I thought I was good at walking in heels, but I guess wooden flooring, kitchen tiles and carpets are a lot different from uneven paving, tarmac, gravel, drain covers and a hundred other obstacles that I had to traverse. I suddenly felt like Lara Croft in Tomb Raider, well maybe just a little more formally dressed. A burly security man opened the door for me and wished me a good evening. I smiled back at him before stepping inside. It was early, but already there were a good number of people attending. The age range was twenty to sixty, with every category you can name represented. Serena spotted me and hurried over.

"Hi, I wasn't expecting to see you here," I greeted her accepting her hug and kiss on my cheek.

"I'm so pleased you decided to come out and play. You look fabulous. Let me buy you a drink and then we can talk for a minute."

I nodded my agreement. We moved through the crowd to the bar.

"So what's your poison?" she asked me.

I almost said a pint of my favourite ale, now I know that girls drink beer and pints for that matter: I'm not judging, but I decided that I would drink wine as Chrissie.

"Do they serve Prosecco?" I asked.

"They sure do," she confirmed.

We were soon served and moved to a table away from the bar and the music.

"Chrissie, I have a confession to make. I didn't want to tell you while we were talking about your life, because I didn't want it to influence your decisions."

What was she saying? She had secretly recorded all my confessions and would now blackmail me? I exaggerate, but I'm sure my brain catalogued a hundred worse case scenarios in the single blink of an eye.

"I'm trans," she admitted with a smile.

"Oh!" was all I could manage as I processed the information.

She sipped her drink and watched me as my mind managed the new data.

"Thank you for sharing that with me. I had no idea," I admitted as I looked at her closely for any signs that I might have missed.

"I'm not hiding. Rachael invited you to see me for a reason- she knows my secret. I'm sure you have questions."

"You look amazing. I don't know where to begin."

We talked for twenty minutes about her life choices, her decisions, life before and after her decision. She didn't have surgery- she was happy with her body as it was. She also explained why she became a counsellor- that so many young people needed guidance. The only question she refused to answer was how she knew Rachael. She would only say that it was privileged information. I could accept that. We were interrupted by a man in his mid-twenties approaching our table.

"Hi, I'm Brad, would you like to dance?"

I looked at Serena.

"I think you should. I'll look after your drink and your bag. I promise to stay right here," she declared.

"Hi Brad, I'm Chrissie, I'm new here."

"I didn't think I had seen you before, you look amazing."

"Just so we start off in the right way- I'm biologically male," I admitted.

"Well you look like a lady to me," he replied with a smile.

I danced with Brad several times and had a second glass of wine. He didn't try to crowd me or kiss me, I felt respected, under no pressure and enjoyed myself. I don't think I had ever experienced a social event like it. I checked my watch nearly 10pm. I had a good time, but I was ready to leave. I didn't want to take advantage of Rachael's generosity. I told Serena I was departing.

"I think you did brilliantly considering this was your first time. I hope I will see you again soon. Let me know if you want another appointment."

"Thank you, but I think I'm okay. I'll be back here for the next event. Thank you for helping me."

Rachael collected me from the door and I told her of my evening like a giddy schoolgirl at her first prom. I retired to my room and slipped out of the dress. I lay on the bed and masturbated. It felt good to have that release that had been building for a couple of weeks. I cleaned myself, removed my shoes, but left my lingerie on. I slipped into bed and was quickly asleep. I think I had several erotic dreams, but when I woke they vanished like early morning mist.

The following weeks I threw myself into my studies with more energy. I talked with other students on the course over lunch and slowly found that I wasn't quite the social monster I thought I was. I actually found myself smiling more. Other students on my course would wave to me, call me over to ask my opinion, share lunch, discuss assignments and job prospects. I felt accepted. All the time I wore my lingerie and tights. I bought a few more clothes that were hybrid- ladies jeans, trousers, blouses and tops, but were a little more discreet than skirts and dresses. No-one pointed out that my clothes were buttoned the 'wrong way'.

I bought a new dress for my next visit to 'The Phoenix'. It was midnight blue with a half sleeves, a scooped neck with silver stitching and a wide flowing skirt. I decided to wear my black satin bra, panties and suspender belt with black sheer stockings. I chose my highest heels with an ankle strap. I booked a car to take me there and another for the return journey. I had another lovely evening I danced with several girls that were interested in me. Several men engaged in conversation with me. I think everyone was trying to work out everyone else- gay, lesbian, bi, pan, CD or trans. The only challenge with my new social calendar was clothes. I would have to cycle through my four good dresses, but as the meetings were only twice a month it wasn't too much of a problem.

Exam time came round quickly and my social engagements were put on hold as I revised for the end of year. I had two practical assignments, a presentation (which I dreaded) and four separate three hour examinations.

I completed my exams and returned home at the end of the second year. It was a lovely Saturday for a drive and I enjoyed the bright sunny day. I was dressed as Christopher -- jeans and t shirt. Once I had parked up outside my house I headed inside. Mum was in the kitchen. We hugged- it felt good to be home. She told me my sisters were just at the shops and would be back soon. They had all been waiting for me to arrive. I missed them all.

"I'll take my things upstairs," I suggested.

"Yes, get settled in. You have all clean sheets and fresh towels. Bring me your washing when you have unpacked."

Laundry could be a problem I thought to myself. It didn't take long to unload. Looking around at my little room, it felt strange to be back, familiar, but a ghost image from my past tried to superimpose over it- I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the wardrobe mirror. I think I had an argument with myself, or at least with Chrissie. We made a decision.

I stripped and piled the jeans, t-shirt and other boy clothes to one side on the floor. I slipped into pale blue panties, matching bra, suspender belt and sheer pale stockings. I wriggled into a matched blue satin petticoat. I found a blue and white flowered dress with black patent Mary Jane three inch heels. I was dressed. I brushed out my hair and applied my makeup. I went downstairs to find Mum. I had expected to be nervous, but I felt at peace.

"Mum, Chrissie is back," I said from the kitchen doorway.

She turned and saw me, she looked me up and down, her mouth moving but not speaking, before changing to a wide smile. She took me in her arms and hugged me.

"Welcome home Chrissie," she whispered.

I think we both cried a bit. We sat at the kitchen table, had tea and talked. I told her of the last year, my secret and my experiences. An hour later we were still chatting. Sara charged into the kitchen.

"Where's my little bro... little sister?" she grinned.

She hugged me tight.

"Chrissie is back. I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too."

"Claire, Eowyn come quick, Chrissie is home," she called.

My other two sisters raced to be the first to hug me. I was hugged from all sides.

"I need to change, I can't believe my little sister is prettier than me," teased Claire kissing my forehead.

"Yes, I feel very scruffy. I think we need to dress up and have dinner together," suggested Eowyn.

My three sisters scampered away to change their clothes. I felt ten years old again.

The next few days were a blur. I spent time with each of my sisters, with my Mum, and as a group. In some ways it felt like no time had passed. I wore lingerie and either a dress or skirt/blouse combination each day. I helped with laundry- much of it was mine anyway. I didn't have many Summer appropriate Chrissie clothes so I had to keep washing. I did the cooking and helped with housework while Mum was at work.

It was dinner time. Sara had consulted with me in advance as she wanted to invite Ben, her boyfriend to dinner. They had been together for over a year. Ben knew about me and Sara had explained about my recent choices. I didn't know him, we had never met, but Sara said he was a good guy: I trusted her. I was introduced as Chrissie, as her little sister and nothing more was said. I liked Ben, he was softly spoken and I was happy that Sara had found someone special.

Later that evening Sara stood to address the family.

"I, we, have an announcement, Ben has asked me to marry him," revealed Sara with a very big smile.

"And?" we chorused knowing the answer.

"I said yes!"

"Yay!"

We all gathered to hug and look at the ring. I have no idea how she managed to conceal it.

"I'm so happy for you," I told her.

Sara and Ben were very happy. Ben approached me.

"Chrissie, I know we've only just met, I normally hug all of your sisters, but I don't want to invade your personal space," offered Ben gently.

"Oh, come here you lovely man," I instructed pulling him close.

"Thank you for making my sister happy," I told him as we hugged.

"It's lovely to meet you too."

The more time I spent with Ben, the more comfortable I felt. He was a gentleman and he treated us all as ladies. I wished there were more Bens in the world. Sara was lucky to have him in her life. I hoped they would be happy.

*

A week passed to another weekend. Ben became a regular visitor to the house. He often called by to do little DIY jobs for Mum. He is always considerate to me. I felt respected. The family were gathered for a movie night, something we hadn't done for a while.

Claire's boyfriend, Greg, also joined the party. We were all introduced. There was a party atmosphere with lots of love and joy. I was alone in the kitchen collecting more nibbles when Greg cornered me. Ben entered the kitchen just in time to see Greg grope me and for me to retaliate. Greg staggered backwards clutching his face and groin.

"Sissy bitch!" he cried out.

Ben stepped in and bodily escorted Greg to the front door. Everyone rushed to the kitchen to investigate the commotion. They found me trying to comprehend what had happened and to control my emotions. My whole body was shaking with rage and shock. My hands were frozen in fists so tightly I could feel the nails digging into my palms.

"What happened?" asked Claire.

I couldn't find the words to explain what had happened. My sister's boyfriend had groped me. I felt violated. How could I tell Claire her boyfriend had grabbed my crotch? Ben returned looking concerned.

"Everyone just take a breath a moment. Greg has gone home. I'll explain more in a moment. We need to look after Chrissie. Are you okay?" He pulled me into an embrace and held me.

His support and gentle words tipped me over the edge: tears fell. He held me while I cried.

Ben explained what had happened. Everyone started talking at once. The joyful atmosphere had vaporised. My Mum and three sisters were enraged. I took a breath and left the gentle arms of Ben.

"I need a moment," I said before going first to the bathroom and then to my room.

I needed a moment alone to compose myself. I sat on my bed in a daze. I dried my eyes. I think I was still in shock. Sara joined me a few minutes later. She sat beside me and held my hand.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Me too, how's Claire?"

"Angry, hurt, upset, shocked- a bit like you."

Claire came in next. She was crying. We hugged.

"So sorry Claire!" I sobbed.

"I'm sorry my sweet little sister," she consoled me.

Sara hugged us both.

"Big sister to the rescue," I declared trying to laugh.

"Damn right! Come downstairs I think you both need a drink."

We regrouped in the kitchen. Mum hugged Claire and then me. Everyone had a glass of brandy. I hugged Ben again.

"Thanks for the rescue," I told him.

"I think you did okay Chrissie. I'm sorry you were treated like that," he replied.

"Sara is lucky to have you."

"No, I am lucky to be with Sara. Know this: I will protect you all. Chrissie, are you really okay?"

"I'll get over it. I think I was surprised, shocked even, then just horrified. I think I might have overreacted."

"I think you showed restraint in only hitting him twice and if you didn't hit him, I most definitely would have," he said kissing me on my forehead.

"Are you stealing my fiancé?" teased Sara.

"No, you have a good man. Ben is just looking out for me, like my three big sisters always have. Welcome to the family Ben."

Claire immediately ended the relationship with Greg in a single brief text. She didn't share what she had written, but knowing her it pulled no punches. We talked for a while after. She didn't blame me at all. Sisters stick together she told me.

*

A week later we all gathered for dinner at a restaurant. Mum was out at a work function. It was my first time out as Chrissie with just my sisters. I think they were more anxious about me being outside than I was. They were still adjusting to the new me. The incident with Greg made them all very protective. We sat together at the table. We were all wearing dresses and heels. I was in red with matching lingerie and pale stockings. I sat opposite Sara with Claire at my side. Eowyn sat beside Sara: it felt like old times- it's how we always sit at home at the dining table, but with Mum as head of the table.

A tall handsome man approached the table. He had short brown hair and lovely soft brown eyes.

"Hello ladies, I'm Thomas, I'll be serving you today. May I take orders for drinks?"

"Hi Thomas, could you give us a minute while we look at the menu," requested Sara.

"Sure, Sara right?"

"Yes, you remembered?"

"Yes, and congratulations," he offered pointing at the ring.

"Thank you," grinned Sara flourishing her diamond.

"How's Christopher doing?" asked Thomas.

My stomach somersaulted. I felt light headed. I studied the menu not knowing how to react.

"He's doing really well, keeping busy and studying hard."

"Please send him my regards. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Who's Thomas?" I queried once he was out of sight.

"He was at school with you. He often asks me about you," revealed Sara.

"I don't remember him," I admitted.

"Sure you do. That's Tiny Thomas. Your best friend before A levels. He moved away when his parents divorced."

"What? No way! He's so..."

"Tall?" asked Sara.

"Hunky?" suggested Claire.

"Gorgeous?" sighed Eowyn.

I blushed. We ordered drinks. I tried to avoid eye contact certain that he would recognise me.

"Chrissie, are you looking for a boyfriend?" asked Eowyn.

"Men aren't really interested in me," I whispered hoping to end the subject.

"So, not a no then?" teased Claire squeezing my hand.

"We need to find you a nice boyfriend first, and then Eowyn: you're all older than me and should be married off," I declared with a laugh.

"Speaking of marrying, Ben and I are thinking of a summer wedding next year. Will you all be my bridesmaids?" asked Sara.

Claire and Eowyn immediately agreed.

"Chrissie? Please say yes," she prompted.

"Are you sure?" I queried.

"You're family, I love you and want you to be involved in my big day. I want it to be special for all of us. It wouldn't be right if you weren't part of it."

"Okay, you win," I agreed.

"So I was thinking pink lacy dresses..."

Eowyn immediately protested against pink and Claire objected to lacy. It was joyful banter. I reached over the table and held Sara's hand. I mouthed 'thank you' because I couldn't speak. Sara squeezed my hand and smiled. Eowyn suggested green, Claire wanted yellow, the discussion continued as they debated designs, skirt lengths, sleeves or no sleeves, shoes and accessories- there was nothing they could agree on.

Sara mouthed 'blue' at me. I nodded and smiled.

"May I suggest blue?" I said as they continued to argue.

"I think that might be ok," agreed Claire.

"Better than pink anyway," allowed Eowyn.

"I was thinking pale blue satin, we can discuss dress styles when I have some pictures," allowed Sara.

Thomas returned with our drinks and we ordered our food. It was a lovely meal. We all climbed into Claire's car for the drive home.

"Wait, I need the ladies," called Sara as she rushed back to the restaurant.

"Typical!" shouted Claire with a laugh.

"Thank you for today. It was special and I hope we can go out again soon," I suggested.

"Yes, and next time we will go somewhere for some dancing. Chrissie, do you have some work lined up for during the holiday?" asked Claire.

"No, not yet- my friend has some computers he needs building, but nothing regular."

"I might be able to help with that. Let me look into it," offered Eowyn.

"Thank you, I need to earn some money for my final year, so any help would be appreciated."

Sara returned.

"Ta da," she announced waving a napkin like it was a Nobel peace prize certificate.

It looked like a phone number.

"What's that?" asked Claire.

"Thomas gave me his number."

"Why? He knows you're engaged?" asked a confused Eowyn.

"It's for Chrissie."

"What?" I squeaked.

"Now don't get mad."

"But why?" I demanded.

"Well, obviously because he likes you."

"No, he'll work it out who I am!" I objected shaking my head.

"Oh, sweet Chrissie, he already knows. He approached me when I was leaving. He asked about you. He didn't remember a forth sister, but thought that you looked a lot like Christopher only prettier. He worked it out. He was very complimentary. Please talk to him," she requested waving the napkin.

"So, why didn't he just say- 'hi Chris'?"

"He didn't want to put you on the spot, to embarrass you."

"So I should talk to him?"

"Yes," confirmed all three of my sisters in unison.

"He said I was pretty?" I asked.

"Oh what have you done?" laughed Claire.

I took the napkin in surrender and typed the number into my phone. I typed a little text message.