Finding Our Way Bk. 02

My mother is pretty awesome.

"Why didn't you tell me this before talking with him? I would have left you alone to talk, but then we could've skipped the mystery and drama."

"First of all, there would have been mystery and drama even if I had, just a different sort. You would have spent the time wondering what he said, and it would still have been serious. You know that there will never be another man in my bed, so that couldn't have bothered you. This way you just wondered what the mystery topic was.

"As for why I didn't tell you before: Most of the time I haven't even been 100% clear on what was bothering me. By the time it became clear, there was no right time to talk with you about it." I started to speak, but she held up her hand and continued. "Kevin, you're having panic attacks and chest pains at 27 years old. Your father died relatively young to a heart attack. There was no way I was going to lay this on you before we got your stuff worked out. Before this there was the strain of the transition between cities and jobs, and before that was your frustration with Keely. Sure, there were the few weeks after quitting and before moving and the bit of fun with Mary." (Shortly before we moved, I gave Mom's colleague Mary some of my time and attention at mom's request. It wasn't about Mom's fears, but about something else. Maybe I'll write about it in another text one day.) "But I wasn't resolved yet to talk to anyone about this stuff. Danny came up recently. I saw a chance to hash this out with someone with real personal knowledge on the subject...and I took it."

My mother is extremely awesome.

But all I said was, "Wow. Okay. So, what did he say?"

***

Once she'd explained what was troubling her, it was clear to Danny why she'd wanted to speak alone. When she asked her question, his eyes hardened and his back stiffened. "I'm still here, aren't I? I'm still standing and living and making time to meet you and your son and trying to help."

"I don't mean any offense," Janine said calmly. "I'm worried about my boy, and you of all people can understand why and in which ways. I've never pretended to think what we've become is a mistake, but...is it? Do you ever wish you'd pursued...more traditional relationship with some other woman?"

"No, of course not. I must have gotten a false impression of you, Patty."

"Janine."

"Fine. Janine. I'm still Danny. You gave me the impression of being a rather sophisticated and thoughtful woman. Do I ever wish I hadn't...? This question is beneath both of us. Of course I don't wish I'd been with someone else."

"I'm sorry. I'm doing this poorly. I never really expected to have a chance to articulate these questions. I wasn't even sure I'd talk to you until I saw how you helped my son. What I mean is that her death is obviously terribly difficult for you, even so many years after the fact. Do you think losing your wife would have been easier if she had been...you know...someone else?"

He looked a bit lost for a moment. "Easier? I'm not sure how I..."

"I loved my first husband, Danny. I did. But it was nothing like what I feel for Kevin. When my first husband - Richard - died, I was sad for a time, I missed him. But I never doubted I'd go on. That may seem cold, but there's no point mincing words or keeping secrets when you know what you do about me already. If I lost Kevin? Maybe I'd go on, but I can't imagine how. Those two men are my only two loves, and the difference is shocking.

"The question may sound downright stupid to you, Danny, but I don't know the answer. I want Kevin's life to be full; even after I'm gone. Am I being unfair? I knew love before Kevin, but I didn't know it could cut so deep. Am I setting him up for desolation? I don't want to be selfish and cruel."

Danny nodded, possibly to himself; Janine couldn't be sure. He blinked hard, and then looked her in the eye. "So his name really is Kevin, like in your stories.

"I must seem like a short tempered and hard little goblin. No, I can hear it in my voice. I'm actually known by my friends and loved ones as the gentle and thoughtful one. I'm sorry, Janine. I know that we've met and talked about these things because we have these sorts of relationships in common, but you're sticking your fingers into deep wounds. I hope you won't mistake my bark for a bite.

"I miss her, you're right. And this is the sort of thing you're afraid of. I can understand that." He sipped and stared across the lobby for a few moments. She remained silent the whole time. "I'm afraid that my answers for your anxieties are harder than the ones I had for Kevin. Don't get me wrong. There is a bright side, but it's only reached after the hard part. I wouldn't say these things to you if you weren't asking me directly."

She took a deep breath, locked eyes on him and nodded.

Danny leaned forward, and stared at the beauty across the coffee table. "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, Janine, but it's hopeless. You're asking this question far too late." She jerked her head back, and her face turned red. Danny's hands hadn't moved, but she'd suffered a blow. He shook his head. "And I don't just mean that you're asking five years too late. It's over twenty-eight years too late. You had a boy, and you were a loving mother. No matter what you do going forward, he will be devastated when you are gone from him. I told Kevin he isn't that important. I guess the version that would go to you is that you're not that special, though you are at least the best looking woman I've ever had a drink with."

"Why am I too late? What do you mean?"

"Boys and men lose their mothers every day, and it is devastating most of the times. I'm sure there are sociopaths - I mean physiologically and neurologically impaired people - who never make real connections with their mothers, and there are mothers and sons with such toxic or distant relationships that the sons get over it relatively quickly. But in most cases - where the mother is loving and nurturing in the most normal senses of those words - losing the mother is devastating. That's why I say you're not so special. What you and Kevin have become may well make it harder for him than for some others, but I think you might be flattering yourself to think that it pushes the relationship into being something that would permanently ruin his mind if removed."

"Flattering myself?" She tried and failed to hide her anger.

"Look, no offense. What I'm saying is that you're worrying about the results of a relationship formed by TWO adults. Two adults means that it isn't up to you alone how changes in your relationship affect Kevin. I mean, I told you I'm no psychologist, but it may not be up to you at all. How Kevin deals with the ending of things is really something that Kevin must face and be responsible for. That's a big part of what it means to be a grown man."

She shook her head. "But this...if it's anything for him like it is for me, then I don't know how he..."

"Look, Janine, think of it this way: What if I'd answered you that I hated my mother for letting me into her heart like she did, for embracing and accepting me as she did, for loving me and letting herself mean so much to me for 25 years? What would you think of me if I were to blame all my pain on her, and said that the love and pleasure and joys we shared (alongside the fights and frustrations and difficulties that every couple has) were somehow a terrible mistake that she put on me?"

No answer came from the slender woman across the coffee table.

"You're too polite to say it, so I'll say it: I would have to be a mewling idiotic child to refute any responsibility for the life I shared for two and a half decades. I'd be a thankless blind fool ignoring the love heaped on me for my entire life. My entire life! Not just the adult years of more physical intimacy, but all my years before then when she raised and nurtured and cared for me. And on top of that, I'd be a brute to dishonor her memory. You'd be too repulsed to sit with me if I so utterly failed to honor someone who did so much for me and with me. Do you see what I mean now?" Janine nodded. "Surely a woman of such careful thought and grace and (forgive me for harping on this) loveliness wouldn't hold Kevin so dear if he showed signs of being any of those things. He isn't a brute, a fool or an idiotic child is he?"

She shook her head, "No. I mean, he has his moments," they both laughed, "but of course he isn't. And I see now why you got so agitated earlier. I never meant to suggest any..."

"Nothing to worry about. I understand that you hadn't seen this side of it." They both sipped at their near-empty glasses. "May I ask you something, Janine?"

"Of course!"

"When I mentioned that Kimberly girl earlier today, Kevin laughed and you smiled. Am I right in guessing that things did not work out there?"

"No. We had a very sweet run with Kim, but in the end, it was imbalanced. Kim felt on the outside, and I have to concede that - despite our best efforts - she was. His focus was always weighted towards me. He always found an extra burst of energy for me. He often looked at me when he was pleasuring her, and we both sort of lost track of her when we were... eh... with one another. It was a bit subtler than I make it sound, but Kim picked up on it eventually, and decided she didn't want to play second fiddle. It was a choice we had to respect. I blame myself for that a bit, but without much regret. I miss her, but I'm too deeply satisfied with my son to be much affected by it. I suppose you'll say that I'm flattering myself again to blame myself?"

He smiled and shook his head. "No. I'm sure this one is mostly your fault."

"Ugh! There's no guessing right with you, is there? How is this mostly my fault?"

"I didn't mean to suggest that there is NOTHING unusual about the sort of relationship you've formed. There is something extremely different about your joining. You've become lovers with a starting level of trust and affection that is beyond your typical affair. He knows, better than he could ever know with any other woman on the globe, that you are committed to him and his ongoing happiness. It's something that has been reaffirmed since before he could walk. You can be trusted. You love him. He can turn to you in times of trouble. You are the one woman he need never doubt. It's basically hardwired into him. You are one out of seven billion for him, and he knows it."

"I can assure you that I feel..."

"I'm sure you feel a great many wonderful things about him. Remember, I've read the chapters you two have published online, so I know how much you trust him. But it doesn't matter how you feel in this case. We're talking about why his attention fell to you so much more often than Kimberly. No one, not even a gem like Kim (or at least she sounds like one in the stories,) can compete with the depth of trust and commitment that you and Kevin have. It's the sort of thing that can make trouble for couples when a man finds himself in the middle of a dispute between his wife and his mother. There was a bond - a cycle of powerful feelings - that ran from you to Kevin and then back around to you. There was never any chance that Kim or any woman could join or break through that connection; especially not when you provide such an... enticing alternative to every facet that she might offer. She's got brains? So does his mom. She's there for him? Someone he can talk to? Same goes for his mom. She's got a cute little ass, and will let him get wild in the bedroom. For fuck's sake, Janine, look in the mirror. I've never met a woman who could compete with you. (Excluding my own mother for obvious reasons, but you get my meaning.)"

"That's very flattering, but it's also kind of sad. I liked Kim, and I'd hoped that she could be the one to be there for Kevin when I finally... you know."

"She may yet. Who knows what's in the future? That's why I bring the whole thing up, though. Your dread of his eventual loss made you blind and deaf to what he really wanted. I'd call it a safe bet that Kevin kept Kim in the loop to make you happy more than for any interest of his own."

"With all due respect, Danny, you've never seen Kim. She's a real hottie."

"Of course. I'm sure Kevin had a great time with her. You do catch my meaning, though. If you want to bring a girl into the bedroom for some fun, by all means, have a great time. Just don't kid yourself that you're helping Kevin in some possible future."

She nodded as he spoke, and answered with a question. "But then what do I do? What can I do to soften the blow when the time comes."

"There's nothing you can do. At least not in the way that you mean it. All you can do is learn to let go of this fear. When you feel it, remind yourself that the pain of losing one's mother is a pain pretty much everyone suffers, endures and comes through. Remind yourself that Kevin is a remarkable man who has and will find the internal resources to endure and honor you. Remember that the future is unknown. He may die before you. He could have a car crash today while we sit and talk."

"Oh gods! Don't say that!"

"Sorry. Mothers always worry, don't they? I only meant to say that because you cannot really know that you will die before him, there's no point worrying about how he might react if you do pass first. Hell, some people are predicting that none of us will have to die by 2042. The best thing I can think of for when you worry about this is to love that young man with all your power and prowess. Love him up, and you'll be building him up. You'll be giving him a life so sweet he'd never dream of thinking it was a mistake. If you're looking for something to 'do' about these fears, that's the best thing I can think of."

At least that's how she described the conversation to me that night in our room.

***

I said nothing while she described the conversation. I guess I didn't want to be the pest she feared I'd be if I'd been there. We just stared at each other in silence when she finished. After a minute, her eyes lost their focus. About twenty seconds passed. She refocused on me and made a "Huh," sound as if to say "Whadda ya know!"

Then she reached behind her back, and I heard a familiar muted pop sound. Her black bra fell forward, down her biceps, revealing her breasts. Her whole story left my mind for a moment as I took in the subtle curvature of what was now revealed. My mouth watered, and I thought of reaching out to pinch a nipple. But before my hand moved I stopped myself and said, "And then you went to the bar and lost yourself in thought?"

She removed her arms from the loops of the bra, and her stomach muscles twitched under her smooth skin in the effort. She said, "Yep. That's pretty much it." She smiled as her chest jiggled, and I thought I might melt.

"What did you think?"

"I thought that it was pretty cold comfort, but it made sense. I thought about how hard we have worked together, you and I, to shape our future, but the best of it has always been when we lost ourselves in the moment. I think Danny's message was really right about that. I thought about what he said about our bond. It all makes sense when you look at it that way; almost inevitable. And how he said that Kim never had a chance."

"He said no one else stands a chance, and he was definitely right about that."

"But I'd never really thought of it like that before. I mean, I guess I considered that I might be distracting you from some things, but I always told myself that when someone young enough and hot enough comes along I would have to learn to be happy that my beloved has found someone who has made him even happier. I preferred Kim to play that role if it was going to happen. She's sexy and smart and thoughtful and really cares about you. It didn't occur to me that I'd made her a non-option. It didn't occur to me - at least not consciously - that I was the better choice for you in the first place. Don't make me take these panties off myself, darling. It's always so much better when you take them off me."

I was a bit surprised by the non sequitur at the end, but I did as my mother bid. And she was right. It was better to pull them down her narrow hips, to use them as an excuse (as if I needed one!) to run my hands down her muscular thighs and her defined calves and her pretty dancing feet.

She lay back, and reached out to me. As I yanked at my boxer shorts and climbed on her she looked me in the eye, and said, "If I'm going to have peace it's time I admit it to myself and you. I'm the best woman for you, Daddy. I'm what you need more than anyone else." She reached between us, and gripped my erection. "This fits inside me best, I make it feel the best." She rubbed the head of my cock up and down her slit, and gasped. "I don't know why I never let myself see it, Baby. I saw all the other women out there, and I closed my mind to the truth. But I see it now, Daddy. I know it now. None of them - no other woman in the world - can love you like your mmmmmmnnnnuuuuhh!!"

And I was inside her. Again. And we made love.

I'm sorry there's not much more to tell. When I put the ring on her finger, there was too much sex to go into any detail. That night, in the hotel, when my mother finally allowed herself to surrender utterly to us, we connected in only one position. We only lasted a single hour. It was a sweating, scratching, biting, moaning, pushing, pulling desperate frenzy to cram as much of me into her as we could manage. She was beautiful, though it was too dark to see. I could feel her sleek lines with my hands. She came over and over in that hour, and I came so hard that there was little chance of recovery that night. She didn't want me to recover. She didn't want to try to prove anything or have anything proven. She wanted to hold me and to be held; to lie in afterglow in the dark and just let us be what we are: A man and a woman in love. A perfect match.

The End

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