All Comments on 'Fire Down Below'

Not much pathos.

ok intro, but the new romances just fell into place. Hard to feel anything when there is no work or struggle involved in getting there. 3 stars

It was an okay story/ Not bad, but not great. There was a lack of conflict. It is almost like a fairy-tale. There was a little conflict at the beginning, but it petered out pretty fast. Do not think I have read any of this author's other stories, so I do not know if this is typical of their style of writing. I hope the author continues his writing. I nay check out their other works.

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Pasqual

I liked the story but it seemed rushed, almost like a check list. More could have been done with the lead in to this part of the main character's story to build up the tension and strife which would have made this part, the "redemption", much more natural.

He murdered his wife. Interesting start to the story.

I wish I could come up with some good advice to help this author improve. Off the top of my head, I would suggest a good editor. The basics of the story would allow for lots of emotion, but nothing much emerged for me. It was like the author had an outline for the story and then just fleshed out the outline. But the “fleshing out” was very mechanical…insert Tab A into Slot B, etc. Lots of Garp lately in LW, but I wasn’t sure what to make of the MC pushing the severed penis into his wife’s throat. Not sure what that said about the MC. And what was the bit about the buddy with tickets…how did that serve the plot? The author clearly put a lot of effort into this story, but it could have been much better.

No burn or retribution follow up on the in-laws. Otherwise a good feel good story.⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Why put in the disgusting maneuver suffocating the ex at the start of the story? Ruined the MC and the story for me.

You were correct wrong category. An average story that relied heavily on the gore factor rather than conflict. 3*

I really enjoyed the beginning's BTB. I do enjoy a life lived well but this was somewhat plain. Still 5 stars from me.

Too little about the cheating wife for this section. Most of it is romance - good romance.

Beyond the opening it was nothing more than a yawner.

Started off pretty good and then went to mush. Were you in a hurry to finish? There was no character development, challenges or drama. You show promise, keep writing.

Nope, not worth the read. Started well, set up a conflict and then killed it - literally.

It was okay, gave it a 4 because of him contributing to the death of his ex and not being able to keep some of the names straight.

It was okay. The story started off well, with the despicable wife and her boss dying in the accident. Unfortunately, it went downhill from there.

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What happened to the in-laws? Did they do time for lying to the courts about the abuse? Didn't they want to see their grandkids? When in-laws lose their son/daughter, it usually makes them more obsessed about having contact with the grandkids.

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The romance with Maria was way too rushed. It was like they instantly fell in love, forgot all about their dead spouses, and all the kids moved on super fast too. Then the ending was mostly about his new family of in-laws, which I freely admit, I didn't give a shit about. As the last page was nearly all narrated, it was boring to read.

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My one bit of advice that I hope you follow for your next story, is to work on your dialogue.

Don't just write a bunch of narration, then add one sentence of dialogue, then continue narrating again. Conversations between people help add emotion to a scene, and the back and forth between characters makes it engaging for your readers.

Take the scene where he informs the in-laws that their daughter is dead. The husband just blurts out a long monologue, while the in-laws stand there in mute silence.

You could've done it like this to make it more interesting:

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"Sarah won't be here today, or ever again," I declared with vindictive glee. "She was killed in a car accident last night."

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Her mother looked at me in shocked disbelief, then Edna's face twisted with hatred. "You bastard! You're lying!"

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I shook my head, trying not to smirk. "She was sucking Jason off, then he lost control of his porsche and caused a big car crash. Sarah bit his dick in half and choked to death on it. Sorry about that, but look on the bright side; your cocksucking whore of a daughter died doing what she loved best."

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As Edna wailed with grief, my father-in-law lunged towards me with his fists clenched.

"You son of a bitch!" Gordon raged, fury in his eyes. "I'll kill you!"

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The deputy tased him, and I laughed as he convulsed on the floor in agony.

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See the difference?

A very good fanciful story. I lmao'd when he shoved the lover's sick further down her throat. It made the fantasy ending worth reading.

Disney write this?

Probably should have been posted under Romance (though there wasn't much of that). There really wasn't much to put it in the Cheating... err... Loving Wives category.

This was good. Not great, but good.

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Pacing was a little too fast. You crammed an awful lot of story into just 3 pages. Doing that made the reader unable to assimilate the essence of a lot of the plot points. It was also too much “tell” and not enough “show”. Especially for a first person told tale. Not enough conversation.

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You ended the scene where he finds his wife too quickly. She died still dumping on the guy! What a slut. The scene informing her asshole parents also ended too quickly. You really should have given the MC more of a chance at justifiable payback. And then there was NOTHING about his ex or in-laws until a brief mention that his boys never thought about them. Another dropped ball, IMHO.

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The romance with Maria was nice…but again went way too fast. As did his sister hooking up with Maria’s brother. But at least all went (too) well for them with the insurance and settlement payments 😎

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Look…I enjoyed the story! But it just felt too rushed…readers didn’t get to “enjoy” the drama or the fun.

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4 ****

I enjoyed your tale. However, Romance may have been a better category choice. You need to be more careful as you swapped character names more than once. Also, beware of spelling. Homonyms sound the same but have entirely different meanings. This creates confusion for the reader.

Ehh it was OK, pretty well written but overall kind of boring. Also when you SSS, you should shower and shave after that other s, IMO.

This was a really hard read. The jumping between past and present tense did a lot to take me out of the story. A little more backstory on the relationship between the ex and our hero would also have been nice. What was her motivation, why did her parents all of a sudden hate him when they didn't before, why did she try to turn the kids away from him? All questions that would have helped flush out the story and make me care more about the main character and his woes.

As Dirty Harry once said, "Nothing wrong with people getting shot as long as the it's the right people." A little well-timed death can clear up some muddy waters every so often.

You had the main story over and done with the first page. You kinda sloughed over the details of the conflict and left the part with the inlaws unresolved.

Meeting Maria by chance later is fine. Devine Providence or whatever, but you went way too far with some of it. like you skipped over his introducing himself to her but went with a detailed response to it. The rest of the story had skips and detours that did not really help the story... I still gave you a 4 stars for telling a decent story.

5 stars for making the slut suffocate to death on the cock she bit off!!!

ZK

Nice story. Keep on working to up the drama.

Some interesting plotting, but the writing is simply! way! too! breathless! and! pleased! with! itself!

Rated it 3* Just average, flowed well, but not even close to realistic. Fairy tale just didn't work for me. Can't remember if I've read any of the other works. Maybe, maybe not.

There is too much :coincidence here, and I'm not sure it is needed.

Yawn-fest.

The story started off very nicely but became too contrived as it progressed. All the good things were like like manna falling from heaven.

No way this belongs in LW, but thanks for putting it here. It was a pleasant read on a rainy-day A bit sappy at the final third but nice. You also showed courage with the 10 rides on the beast, yet the Orion looks like the more intimidating ride.

3 stars and not much to comment on.

Went downhill at the end. Too much like a Hallmark movie.

Good but a bit “ everything is beautiful”. ….Pollyanna maybe a better term.

Finally! An OP who understands that you cannot just screw your subordinate employee and cause her death and not suffer consequences. In this case, his estate, his insurance and his law firm! <<...anticipating a settlement of my wife's estate and three lawsuits against Jason. They included his insurance company, his law firm, and him personally for the reckless death of my wife.>> It rambled some in the end, and I think you might've bitten off too many different sub-plots. I think demonizing the in-laws to the extent that there were no presents for the boys was a bit over-the-top--remember that even crappy people love their kids, grandkids and pets. Good story, though. 5/5

This story opened with the inciting incident with the crash and the recovery of the children. Everything after is unicorns and rainbows for everyone, dissolving any desire to continue reading.

So that restraining order was kinda justified wasn't it?

Stopped at the BTB cliche thats used as often as "I have a small wee wee" in the cucks stories "Holy fuck! I know what caused the accident - Sarah was sucking his dick as they went into the intersection. Only Jason does not have a cock now."

Yup you went where every writer went before and I wasnt going to waste any more of my time if it started that cliched.

I liked the first part, even though it was predictable what he'd find at the accident. But as others commented, it was simply too formulaic lacking substance in the back half. 3*

Nice change from the other garbage posted today.

Good story. Be careful of the tax man when gifting houses!

Please start using contractions and stop rushing through the story! It was like I was reading a book that had chunks of dialogue removed! 😩

5kids you need more. A real soap opera story. Not in this lifetime

I roaded the Beast 5 times when I was 17 now I 62 no thanks. As for the story LMAO when the bad wife choked on the cut off dick. What a way for a cheating cut to die. 5* just for that alone also liked the ex-inlaws going to jail. Should have got money from them also.

I would leave out the part where he murdered his ex wife but otherwise it was a a helluva story.

A bit syrupy, there was just too much in it and it kind of gives a sugar overload. One small technical point, generally EMTs cannot pronounce someone dead, that usually is reserved for paramedics and doctors ( there could be places that allow it, but it isn't common ime)

Good until Hubby pushes Asshole’s dick further down Sweetie’s throat to impede her breathing (more) so she is surer to die, although he was sure of that from first examination. Yeah, it was very convenient and Sweetie was a cold bitch. But, he broke his oath …so he is willing to compromise his profession. Like the old joke goes … “We’ve already established what you are - now we’re just negotiating price!” Can picking the pockets of deceased victims be far behind?

4*

a very unusual writing style

Boring. The plot is finished on the page 1 and the rest is just waste of time to read. Car accident with penis beaten off is just getting too worn out, it has been used too many times.

Forget about the nay sayers, they wouldn't know a good tale from a bad one. THIS IS A GOOD ONE!!!!

Quaint, especially when he pushes the asshole's cock further down her throat. Of course you never address how a previously loyal loving faithful wife turns into a selfish lying cheating child abusing monster, including her parents. And this is the woman this guy chose to marry after getting to thoroughly know and understand her values and morals? Wonder how he'll do this time. Oh, yeah, Lots Of Money; no problems. Right. Boring and contrived, but thanks for the effort.

Not bad at all. Next time more dialog, a lot more dialog.

Severely injured in a traffic accident, his wife still has to insult him? Not very smart of her.

I have to agree with dark2…..BORING…

Wow, that was a really great story you told there. Everything was there that an entertaining story needs. And yet, what I liked best was the scene in which he shows his ex what "deep throat" really means! 5*!!

Yeah. Lost me with the general belligerent attitude in the first few paragraphs and then to casually murder a crash victim was over the top. Fuck off.

i loved the story and would give it 5 stars if the dam site would let me. I have a question are you from that area because i know people from down in that area when i was a paramedic for a private company in northern ohio.

"Do not fight it - I can see it already - this is the woman you are meant to spend the rest of your life with! I know your last marriage reached a painful end, but you have two wonderful boys who need a mother. I cannot think of any woman that matches the decency, beauty, and love that this woman represents!..." Who speaks like this outside of a campaign commercial?

He’s a wife murderer, that’s it. Nothing did can compare with deliberate murder. Yet he lives a happy life. Sick author!

Good story overall. I don’t understand the anon’s beef below. The protagonist’s “belligerence” is not “general,” but rather directed, quite understandably, at a single person and particularly offensive set of specific circumstances. His invective towards his soon to be ex is certainly understandable and justified given the facts the author conveyed. I’d say that flagrantly betraying a faithful and loving spouse, withholding intimacy from that spouse while simultaneously banging with abandobne a cheater creep outside your marriage, while also effectively kidnapping the faithful spouse’s children fir divorce leverage and suborning purgery to do it, would justify the protagonist’s hostility towards his wife. The murderer word is a bit strong given that she was already dying from her injuries sustained in the commission of one of several of the wife’s awful choices. Basically, the Karma train ran her over. No tears there. So perhaps anon below it is thou who should “fuck off, ” as you put it so indelicately.

Take away the first part (where he murders his wife) and all you had was a Hallmark movie. Not a great one at that - five paragraphs on room arrangements for visiting family???? - I was out at that point and skimmed the rest. As near as I could tell it just followed a predictable Hallmark formula.

Also, don't get the title. Does it refer to the momentary pain the boyfriend felt of having his dick bitten just before he died? That was the first few paragraphs of the story. The majority wasn't really about that. It was more about the ensuing relationships.

The "late" ex-wife got what her pride wanted, a (c***) to choke on! Good Riddance Bitch! Like it except for the belittling of men at the end, that male feminist gene is hard to kill off, try harder. 3 -Stars.

Love the story. It was great. AAAAAA++++++

A far out fairy tale of a story, but really loved it, it was so well done.

Only thing wrong? It's a romance.,

I love happy, sappy stories and this is a great one.

First, an absolutely amazing, wonderful heartwarming story. Second, a blazingly righteous BTB. Both earn this a well-deserved 5 stars.

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Now, to address the idiots in comments below. I mean, par for the course for man-hating asswipes in this crowd, who aren't happy unless the criminal selfish bitch wins because she deserves it due to owning a vagina. But why not answer as they are so repetitive.

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1. Wasn't a "murder" you dumb fucks who can't read. She was already dying in his expert first responder opinion. He merely made her death all that much more humiliating for her and ironic for him. The cause of death was her and her scumbag bf's driving blowjob induced car crash and resulting injuries.

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2. While at it, that crash the selfish dirtshits caused themselves, BUT also inflicted on OTHER innocent people, so actually executing them (for aggravated murder via vehicular homicide) would be just and moral, even if one ignores their crimes against main character.

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3. Having said that, even if the MC did murder her (which he didn't), if anyone fully deserved. Leaving aside the cheating, disrespect, and her abuse of him, the fucking trashass **falsely reported him for abuse to kidnap his children**. The only sad part is that she died quickly instead of in prolonger pain like she deserved. Plus, as I noted in last point, she murdered 2 innocent people, and injured tons of others. That should carry a death sentence just on its own.

I'm gonna give it five just for all the Ohio references!