tagHumor & SatireFishing for Terrans

Fishing for Terrans

bySean Renaud©

"You catch anything?" K'lorn asked. He was doing a poor job of hiding his frustration with the latest trip to Terra. It was obvious from the way his dorsal spines were fluttering and his normally green skin was brightening to a vivid aquamarine. "This sucks. Are you sure they really eat this stuff? Seems kinda gross." K'lorn was referring to the bait he was using to capture what would ultimately become pets. It was a small darkened bread disk topped with a bright red vegetable paste that was in turn covered in spoiled milk. It didn't look or smell appeasing in the least and K'lorn couldn't believe that anything would voluntarily eat the substance. He would probably stave himself to death long before he started to eat that.

His partner, older by a few cycles, closed his eyes, all four of them and drew in a deep breath. "Yes I am certain K'lorn." He ran his three fingered hands through his unruly white mane. "The humans love pizza. In fact it was once a popular saying amongst their kind that there was no such thing as bad pizza. It is for that reason we have chosen to use it as bait. It will bring them out I assure you and then we will capture many of them and return home." Jaxtan replied evenly.

K'lorn couldn't really shrug; his forelimbs were too squarely beneath his shoulders to adequately perform the action. Instead his spines all flattened against his body in obvious dissatisfaction. "Is this how they captured them in the old days? This seems so boring, and slow. And boring."

"No this is not the way that they were captured in the old times. In the old days however the humans were very plentiful. They had conquered many worlds. Between their proclivity for violence and their prodigious breeding rate they would have taken over everything had the other species of the universe not united to confront the growing threat." Jaxtan's voice was always the same constant tone. It didn't have any of the highs and lows that most sentient beings did. It could actually lull some people to sleep. "In those days a ship would be sent to a planet and massive attacks would be launched, these were humans with sufficient technology to be threats you comprehend. Nothing like the vermin we pursue here. Delay further questions. I believe I have located one.

Both of the creatures watched as something slowly emerged from the tall grass. Five and a half, maybe six units high. Judging by the breadth of it shoulders and the growth on its face it was likely a fully matured male. K'lorn's lips drew back in a gruesome imitation of a smile. Inch by inch the creature moved closer and closer to the darkened bread disc. "C'mon, C'mon." K'lorn whispered. It was his bait the human was about to take.

K'lorn's tail shifted slightly in anticipation and then it happened. The human took hold of the disc and the energy cuffs locked around his wrists. The first reaction was sheer terror. It was normal, there was no spraying of pheromones or standing hair on end to posture as a larger animal but the emotional state of the creature was obvious. It was thrashing back and forth trying to escape from the bands around its wrists and making high pitched squeals. "I can't keep it!" K'lorn shouted trying to pull the beast closer. It wasn't working; the tension scanner was off the charts. If he kept pushing. . .if he gave it any slack. . .with a frightened scream the pink skinned creature broke free and ran back into the grass with the bread disc. "Caggar Offal!" K'lorn shouted.

"That outcome is predictable and occasional. It is usually best to allow them to begin feeding before locking them in." Jaxtan droned.

"Actually the problem is that you should use live bait." Xin explained as soon as he stepped off of the teleporter. His leathery wings were wrapped tightly around his shoulders. "Would you mind if I stepped in? I think I'm a master at catching them." K'lorn and Jaxtan looked to each other and then to him before nodding. "Okay. First you should try live bait. Human beings are an unusual species and prefer their mates to be moving and present." Xin held a large box in his two lower arms and used the middle pair to open it.

Inside were a dozen human females. Each of them nude as the day they'd been cloned, which was actually only two days before. Physically they were meant to mimic peak female human sexual appeal twenty one years of age. Mentally they were given the same level of maturity which in most cases was little to none. "First you need to understand how the humans think. For the males which are most valuable that is to say they don't. They have an instinct to mate. It is easy once you learn how to pick the best bait."

Using his finger Xin started pushing the women to opposite sides of the box. It was immediately obvious that he was separating the larger from the smaller. There was also something else he was doing; most of the girls on one side had similar complexions between that of milk and that of gold. "Why are none of the darker or thicker ones included?" K'lorn asked closely observing the process.

Xin paused slightly and shrugged all six shoulders. "For reasons we do not entirely understand human beings as a rule prefer their women to be malnourished and light skinned. Given the disadvantages of both we believe it has to do with living with a disadvantage. Similar to your own species K'lorn where your spines do no good but with each generation grow larger and require a larger diet." Xin shrugged again and turned. "I should also point out that there are enough humans who like dark skinned bait, particularly those with dark skin them selves-

"That darker the berry the sweeter the juice!" Jaxtan broke in excited to know the tidbit.

"Yes. Humans were tribal for a long time during their evolution and it continued even when they'd united. They preferred their own skin, hair and behavior type over others. But some preferred foreign types. If you've tried all of the normal baits it can sometimes help to try something entirely non-standard will work. There were and are large numbers of humans fetishists and they prefer overfed or black or other oddities. It is very interesting if you care to study their trends. This area doesn't seem to be over hunted however so I will use a standard lure."

Xin reached into the box and grabbed one of the females; they were all female, by the waist. She was thin across the center particularly when compared to her upper or lower areas. Her legs were of average proportion but everything else could be considered extraordinary. "This one will do nicely." Xin explained. Do you see what makes her stand out?"

"It is the distillation of her cornea!" Jaxtan replied still certain h e was leading the class.

"No. It's not that dissimilar from my own species. It has to do with a top, middle and bottom ratio. This one is large topped and bottomed but small in the middle." K'lorn crowed.

"That is correct. Sight is their most trusted sense. The second is sound, or more accurately vocalization." Xin stated.

"Yes I have been attempting experiments to learn and mimic Terran well enough to capture larger numbers of Terrans than we do." Jaxtan let leak, slowly.

"Of course you have." Xin produced several bottles with his hands and using one hand to hold the light haired creatures head forced to her to drink each of the fluids. "This is better. Do you know what I have given her?"

"Vodka." K'lorn shouted recognizing the scent. It was one of the few Terran delicacies that his people indulged in.


K'lorn looked at each of the other bottles smelling them hoping for a hint. Jaxtan did the same then pulled out his diagnosis kit. "The first as K'lorn as accurately specified is Vodka. The second is some kind of stimulant."

"The humans used to call it X. Brings their women into season almost immediately." The two younger creatures turned their attention to the woman who was indeed showing signs of arousal. K'lorn noticed the slight changes in her skin tone, from a pasty pink to a subtly brighter color particularly around her sexual organs. Her breathing had changed pace as well. Jaxtan could hear her heart racing in her chest and the less subtle scent of her arousal. "What is the final ingredient? It's important if you are trying to get a big haul.

"According to this data it is a compound known as male crimson bovine. Wait, why do you want to grant her the ability to take flight? Humans are only capable of flight after they have perished, and even that remains unsubstantiated." Jaxtan said canting his head slightly.

"That doesn't happen, at least not that I've ever observed. Watch." Xin tied a thin band around the woman's waist and lowered her down into the clearing. "Now watch her deliver the human's best mating call."

"Ooooh I'm sooooooo drunk!" The woman shouted stumbling slightly and landing on her back end tiny leg stumps spread open.

The response was immediate; two men emerged from the grass and approached her. There was none of the hesitation they'd had in response to the darkened bread disc. This was clearly more interesting. "What are they doing?"

"In humans mating can be quite complicated. Often times the woman begins by orally serving the males. We believe this is a form of submission." Xin whispered as the woman started eagerly sucking the men off moving rapidly from one to the next. "It may also be a way for her to weed out the inferior males. If they are unable to pass this test they are unworthy to mate with." As he spoke a fluid exploded from one of the men and the woman swallowed it. He moved away but didn't leave.

It was a few moments later when the woman turned her back the male of her species and started mewling. "Now this is what humans mating looks like correct? It's so interesting. When do they lay their eggs?" K'lorn queried.

"Humans do not lay eggs. In a way similar to my own species they give birth to live progeny. Generally they have only a single offspring but can have pairs. In captivity when we are intentionally inducing pregnancy we have managed to produce up to ten but many of the off spring and the mothers are killed if more than five occur." Jaxtan explained only mildly interested in the two humans.

Then he noticed it wasn't two, four more had emerged from the grass and were circling around the woman. "This is why we gave her extract of crimson bovine. It allows her the energy to continue on outlasting her males." Sure enough the males kept emerging and she continued to orally and vaginally submit to them one after the other until they were all exhausted and she was trying to orally revive them. "Now that they have been exhausted we can simply drop a net over them." Xin pushed a button and an energy net settled over all of the humans. "A few of the ones near the edges pulled away but most of the men were too tired to even consider fighting. "You'll note that the human drive to sleep after mating is particularly strong in the males."

"What's gonna happen to her? She's still submitting even though they are all asleep." K'lorn observed poking her through the net.

"Oh don't worry. She'll tire herself out eventually."

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