Fishing with My Daughter

It was one of those rare fall days when everything seems perfect. The air was pleasant, the stream was cold, and my daughter was taking a weekend home from college to go fishing with her old man. She had always been able to live in both worlds - at times the ultimate tom boy with her fishing rod and hip waders and at other times a lovely, graceful young woman in a dress that made the boys stutter. Now, as she began to show the independence of an adult woman, I found I was both envious of the life she had before her and filled with admiration at the woman she had become.

That doesn't mean she didn't still need her dad. Years ago, the little girl who needed her father to make her feel safe would have long talks with her old man as she wrestled with her thoughts. She would ask for dad's advice and I'd ask this accomplished young woman to explain the ways of young people to me. In some ways, our relationship never changed. It only deepened as the questions got harder.

We were sitting alongside one of our favorite streams, each eating a sandwich as we took a break from fishing. Julia has become quite the fly fisherman, or is it fisherwoman? I never really know. When she was young, I tried calling her a "fisherwoman" one time, but she rolled her eyes as if to say, "Dad!" She's learned to read a stream, know where the fish are, and figure out what they are eating. To be honest, I think she is getting better at this fishing thing than me and I couldn't be prouder. This day she unloaded a question on me with all sorts of ramifications.

"Dad, how can you tell if someone is going to cheat?"

"Wow! If I knew the answer to that one, I'd start playing poker again!"

"I'm serious, dad."

"That's a good question, Jules. You know how I feel about cheating. When you cheat, you really cheat yourself."

"I know, dad, but that doesn't explain why people cheat?"

"I think that mostly they want to succeed without doing the hard work. I guess at times they just want the experience, the attention, and the admiration. Students cheat on tests so they don't have to look stupid or repeat the grade. Sometimes people cheat because there is a prize they want. You know all that. They get bragging rights and that makes them feel important."

"No, dad, I mean why do people cheat on their marriage?"

"What brought that on?"

"Amy's parents are getting a divorce. Do you remember Amy?"

"You mean your best friend since you were five? The one you've had sleepovers with every year since you started school? The girl who calls me `Uncle Jake'? That Amy?"

She smiled, but it was short lived. "She says her mother cheated on her father and now they're getting a divorce. Why would she do that, dad?"

I knew there was something more to this than she was letting on. "There are a lot of answers to why people cheat, Jules, but there aren't any good ones and I don't know why Amy's mother did it."

"Amy said she heard her parents arguing. Her mother said, `It's just sex. I don't love him.' I mean, I get it; sex is exciting and all, but why would she risk everything for a little thrill?"

I guess she saw the nervous look on my face.

"Relax, dad. Everyone knows sex is fun. I'm not messin' around. I'm just asking why cheat on someone who loves you?"

"I have a hard time understanding it, too, Jules. There isn't a woman in the world that could tempt me away from your mother. She's still the sexiest woman I've ever known."

"I still can't understand what a woman 10 years younger saw in you, old man."

"Very funny. You know full well she's just six months younger than me. She looks younger now, but I plan to age gracefully. I have the rugged good looks that a man can grow into through the years and soon..."

I do love it when my daughter laughs like that.

"What really scares me is that if Amy's mother could cheat on her father, then how will I know if I've found a husband who won't cheat on me?"

"Truth?"

She nodded.

"You won't, really. You take your time, know the man better than you know anyone else, and then you take a leap of faith. You decide that he is someone you can place your trust in; and you hope that if he fails you, you will learn to forgive."

"How do you do that?"

"God knows, Jules. I've never had to and I pray I never do." I thought for a moment. "When you're young and haven't been married very long, you romanticize your partner. In time you realize they aren't perfect, but you still love them. Later, you learn that imperfect love is a richer love. You even start to love the things that aren't perfect about them."

"What are you saying, dad?"

"Your mom snores, Jules."

There was that laugh again.

You know your mother and I have always said that sex is something to be shared between people who love each other, like your mother and I."

"Okay, old man! You aren't going to talk about you and mom, are you?" She was still laughing.

"I'm only going to say that I love your mother with all my heart. Cheating on her is something I cannot imagine, and I honestly believe your mother has far too much character to cheat on me. I'll never forget the day I met her. Your mother made two mistakes and look at what it cost her! She's been paying for those mistakes ever since."

"What do you mean, dad? Mom seems happy!"

"I hope so. You see, when I met your mother it was a dark night. She was sitting down by the river with your Aunt Annie and I was walking past when I said `Hello'. Your mom and your aunt said hello back and invited me to sit with them."

"Was that her mistake, dad?" Julia was laughing and I knew she was starting to catch on to the theme of the story.

"No, her mistake was that she laughed at my jokes. That was her first mistake."

Julia was giggling by now. "Oh, that's a big mistake right there! She must have felt sorry for you!"

"Very funny, but I made her laugh and I just knew I had to see her again. So the next morning I was walking along the road at the same spot, trying to gather my courage to go to the house her family had rented so I could ask her out, when I found the blanket she and your Aunt Annie had been sitting on. I picked it up, folded it, and walked to her house with a very good excuse for knocking on her door. Your grandfather answered and invited me in. I tried to explain to them who I was without telling them exactly what I was doing there, and all the while your Uncle Tom was giving me the evil eye."

"Why was he doing that?"

"Well, you don't have an older brother, but your Uncle Tom was just doing his job. He was very protective of his little sister and he knew I was there because I wanted to see your mom. He was trying to size me up and put a little fear into me to make sure I treated her right."

"Did he scare you, dad?"

"Well, no, but I had to make the right first impression on a lot of people. Just about then your mom came out from one of the back rooms and saw me. She gave me this big smile and that was her second mistake. I saw that smile once and I knew I had to see it again."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. One smile and you fell madly in love. You were putty in her hands. Really, dad, you could have put up a little fight!"

God help me, but I do love this girl we raised! "Why would I do that?"

"This is all very interesting, but it's not helping me with my problem. How do I know if I've picked a husband who won't cheat on me?"

"Take your time and look for character, Jules. Look for a man with real, deeply rooted character. Find a man who doesn't lie to anyone, respects the people around him, but still stands up for himself. Look for a man who knows himself, knows what he wants, and knows it when he finds it. You want a man who won't change just because others think differently, but who listens in case he's wrong. Find a man that you know everyone else can trust and trust that you can, too. And one more thing, Jules: find a man with a good heart who can't take his eyes off you, whose face lights up when he sees you, and who listens when you speak; because character is important, but joy is important, too."

"That's all? Here I thought it was going to be hard!"

"Most things worth doing are, Jules. Don't give up. He'll walk into your life when you least expect him."

We sat quietly and finished our sandwiches. After a time, my daughter spoke, "Dad, if mom's laugh and her smile made you fall in love with her, what made her fall in love with you?"

"Oh, that's easy. It's my cologne. She's crazy about it!"

Julia was giggling again. "I don't think so, old man! You need to get some new cologne."

"I just bought a gallon of it and I paid almost five dollars! You know it takes a long time to go through that much!"

"Dad, that's not cologne! It's insecticide! Give mom a break and spread it on the lawn."

"Oh, you think so, do you?"

"Really, dad, you're scaring the fish away with that stuff..."