Fooled Me Twice Pt. 02

"Marty, calm down. Deep breaths. No offense taken. Go on, get it off your chest."

"Did you ever hear about what happened on Valentine's Day?"

"No. A big romantic night?"

So I told him the story of Liz's outfit that day, the visit to club Oasis, dinner, her walk through the restaurant, all the sex we had that night, without much detail, and then I stopped talking to catch my breath.

"So that was the weekend?"

"Shit, that was Friday night. I think we got to sleep sometime after sunrise on Saturday, about 6:30. When we woke up, it was 6:15, and the sun was down." I then told him the tale of dressing in the same clothes and having breakfast for dinner, the stares and whistles, Liz driving sixty miles an hour down San Francisco streets, and then my dances with men dressed as women, the lesbian bikers with knives, the ride home, the lecture, and a week alone.

"She's not boring, is she?"

"Sometimes, I think she's crazy, but I love her."

One of the ushers stuck his head through the doorway, "Clifton, twenty-minute warning."

"Man, you got it bad, Marty. Come on in and help usher old ladies to seats."

So I helped, and I did feel a little better. I escorted two wives and their spouses to their seats, and when I returned, Ruth was waiting for me, with her husband carrying their sleeping baby girl.

"Ruth! You look fantastic. And this must be your husband and baby girl. How have you been?"

"I'm great. Marty, I'd like to introduce you to my husband Jason, holding our baby doll, Melissa."

He shook my hand and spoke in a commanding voice, "Captain Jason Carter, United States Marine Corp, aviator. I'm glad we finally met; Ruth told me some parts of the story the last time she was in Greenville. I would like to hear it all."

"How long are you staying?"

"Marty, we're here until Tuesday Morning, then we fly home to get my hubby ready to go to advanced flight training."

"Well, Ruth, take my arm, and let me escort you to your seat on the brides' side." I walked back, and Liz was waiting. She still made my heart skip a beat, and I offered her my arm and escorted her to our assigned seats with the rest of my family.

"How's Danni doing?"

"Fine, except for your mother. Who was that woman with the black hair?"

"Ruth, along with her husband Jason and their baby girl Melissa." I looked over my shoulder and whispered, "It's starting."

The three bridesmaids came down first and then the bride. Dad looked relieved as he walked her down the aisle, finally suffering from LDS, last daughter syndrome. Danni didn't appear to be nervous, just very happy. Dad handed her off to Clifton, and the ceremony started. Twenty minutes later, they were husband and wife heading for the door. Since the wedding party was so small, bride and groom, best man and maid of honor, and two additional bridesmaids and groomsmen, the pictures wouldn't take as long.

So while we waited for the festivities to start, the bar was open, and Liz and I circulated, meeting family, old and new. Dianna had reconnected with Ruth, and I'm sure they were talking about babies while Joe and Jason were standing at the bar swapping stories about flying F-18 Hornets. I bumped into Clifton's younger brother, Phil, and he introduced me to his great-grandmother, Pearl Estelle Chartier, but she said, "I go by, Mama Pearl, Martin, and I am a 'voyant de l'âme.'"

Phil whispered to us, "That means 'soul seer,' and supposedly, she can see your soul if she touches you. Of course, I don't believe in that stuff, but she's rich and old if you know what I mean?"

"Pleased to meet you, Mama Pearl, and may I introduce my girlfriend, Liz Cummings." As I shook her hand, she held onto mine, and I couldn't escape her grip.

"Marty, you have a hectic mind filled with numbers, diagrams, and visions of space." She touched my chest and spoke with an even and steady voice. "You have a powerful heart, a good heart, and you think of others before thinking of yourself."

She let go of my hand and grasped Liz's hand, and immediately her eyes opened wide. "Your mind is all over the place; most of the time, you have good thoughts and deeds, but sometimes...." She waved her free index finger back and forth and made that clicking noise with her tongue. She moved her hand to cover Liz's heart, gasped, pulled back, and almost fell over. Phil was waiting and caught her while I set a chair behind her.

I grabbed a glass of water off a table and offered it to her. Phil took it and made her sip a little bit of it.

"Go ahead and make your escape; I'll distract her. She's ninety-two and has these spells sometimes."

"Mama Pearl, we're going to circulate and greet more guests. I'm sure we'll meet again."

We walked toward the bar, and I looked at Liz, "Wow, that was weird. Did she say anything when she grabbed your hand?"

"No, but It felt like I touched a live wire when she grabbed my hand."

"She knew enough about me, gave me the creeps. Can I get you some wine to sip on while we circulate?"

"No, I'm fine, maybe later."

The wedding party returned from taking pictures, and the reception began. First, dinner was served, and then the speeches started, and all too soon, it was time for my remarks about my little sister that Momma and Cliff asked me to give.

"Hi, I'm Marty, the only boy and number two child of Darla and Alex. Danni's the sister I was closest to growing up because Dianna is six years older and Dixie was Momma's favorite because she loved to shop."

Week laughter filled the reception hall, and I was off to a rough start.

"Danni is two years younger than me, and she looked up to me until I left for college. She'd ask me if she needed a ride or to be picked up after school. If she needed a few bucks, Marty was her bank."

Silence. Not doing well at all, Marty.

"Once, when Danni was on restriction for a week, she snuck out and went to her boyfriend's house and caught him necking on his porch with, oh, what was her name, I just saw her at the bar, um, Amanda," and I pointed at her at the back table, "and they had a girl fight."

Everyone laughed because girls fighting was way better than guys shoving each other.

"She knocked on my window and motioned for me to go to her room. I waved at Momma and Dad in the living room, went into her room, talking like she was there, and helped her climb through the window."

I started to describe her clothes condition, but she cut me off by clearing her throat, so I switched gears and handed this little tale by explaining what I did next.

"Ooop's, so I grabbed a book off her desk and thanked her out loud as I closed the door behind me."

Now, what was I going to say next; think, Marty.

"Um, Before Danni had a license to drive, I loaned her my Green Charger with a custom paint job that I parked at Momma's and Dad's house, and I kept silent and protected her from Momma rath when she lost control in the rain and slid off the road. She called me at Stanford, and I called Dad at work, and he called a tow truck, and no one told Momma."

"Martin, you always were the troublemaker."

"I love you too, Momma."

I'm on a roll now.

"Every problem she had that was stamped 'TMI for parents,' she came to me. Danni, the bizarre things you did or told me about, like when you borrowed without asking...."

Nervous laughter followed when Danni stood up, holding her dinner knife, so I finished quickly.

"Oops, can't tell that one. In conclusion, Danni, I wish you and Clifton a long and happy marriage with many babies. Name one after Neil Armstrong. Luv you, Sis."

The applause began and grew louder as I returned to my seat and put my arm around Liz.

After the speeches and toasts came the traditional dances, and as we walked to the dance floor, Danni brushed against me, "Good thing you stopped talking. Thank you, Marty, and thanks for the speech."

"I let the moment control my ego. In hindsight, I'm not sure that Momma would gracefully accept that you borrowed her Cadillac on the night of your Senior Prom, and your date got drunk and threw up on the passenger door. You were lucky she stayed an extra night in New York on a shopping trip with Olivia."

She kissed me on my cheek and hurried off for the first dance between the bride and groom and then all the other traditional dances. When the last traditional dance was over, I was startled when Danni grabbed a mic and began speaking. "Before we open up the dance floor, my brother Marty asked if he could make an announcement during the reception, and Clifton and I decided to let him do it now before he chickens out. So Marty, is that a good enough signal, or should I send up a flare?"

Shit, that's the signal.

Well, there are only two things I could do now with that much encouragement, run for my life or just do it. So I took Liz's left hand in mine, led her to the center of the dance floor, and faced her, saying, "I'm not much for speeches," as I dropped down on one knee.

"Elizabeth Catherine Cummings, Liz, love of my life; I'm not a man who likes to hear himself talk." That drew a lot of laughter.

"Will you marry me?"

She gasped, started crying, nodded rapidly, and managed to answer in a feeble voice, "Uh-huh, Marty. I mean, YES!"

I slipped the ring box out of my pocket, took the ring out, and slipped it on her left ring finger. I stood up, and Liz started jumping up and down, and I don't remember the next fifteen minutes, except I had a headache above my right eye that came from nowhere. When I finally returned from Lala land, I was being smacked on the shoulders and head and congratulated repeatedly. Then, looking around the room, I spotted Liz, surrounded by a flock of women, holding her left hand out for them to admire the ring while drinking another glass of champagne.

I walked over and asked the crowd of women if I might have a dance or two with my fiancée?

The ladies gushed and giggled; Liz stuttered and choked up before giving me a sloppy kiss. Then we danced and drank for the last hour of the reception.

"Marty, I have to go pee." She was weaving unsteadily on her feet as she walked, and I knew she couldn't walk the twenty-five feet to the ladies' room.

"You're drunk. Do you want me to carry you, or can you walk?"

Dianna came over, "I'll take her, Marty."

So I started wandering around when I felt a presence behind me; I turned around, and it was Mama Pearl. "I told you I would see you again, Mama Pearl. Did you enjoy the reception?"

"No time to talk; listen to me carefully. You saw me fall back when I touched her chest? I have never felt a power that intense before. You must be careful around her, for you are in grave danger."

"What do you mean I am in danger? Are you talking about Liz?"

"That woman you gave a ring to has been hexed; when I touched her, I could feel she only has half a heart beating in her chest."

"You're not making a lot of sense, Mama Pearl. Half a heart?"

"I can say no more." She looked toward the bathrooms, and I turned around and saw Liz and Dianna coming toward me. Turning back, Mama Pearl was gone.

I collected a very drunk Liz, and she clutched my arm like it was all that was keeping her standing. Dianna walked beside me and quietly asked, "Marty, if it's a none ya question, tell me, but how much was that ring?"

"Guess."

She glanced at Liz's ring and took a shot, "$20,000?"

"Times two."

"OMG!"

"Marty, where did you get that much money? Nothing illegal, I hope?"

I explained how I modified the parts, got patents, and sold them to Stevens A&D and two other companies, and Dianna cracked up.

"Dad had to buy them with Momma's money? Priceless! She'll never speak to you again if she finds out what you did."

Anytime Dad spent company money and Momma found out, she complained about him reducing her end-of-year bonus.

"D, I keep forgetting to ask, why did Danni and Cliff marry like Dixie and Brad after their first year?"

"I believe I told you the same answer last summer."

"Oh."

The reception was breaking up, Danni and Clifton were flying to Tahiti for their honeymoon, courtesy of yours truly; Momma was having a nervous breakdown, and Dad looked like he had a buzz similar to Liz's. Dixie was dirty dancing with Brad, her husband Brad, not Brad Pitt, and Ruth and Jason had retired to their hotel room. I reminded everyone about the cookout at Momma and Dad's house the next afternoon.

Leaving Liz lying on a table, I circled the room, speaking briefly to the remaining guests, with the last goodbyes going to Clifton's parents, Doug and Louise Chambers.

"What happened to Momma Pearl? I wanted to tell her good night."

"We helped her to her room after dinner; she was worn out."

What? But I just talked to her, or was that a drunken dream?

"Well, good night."

I carried Liz to my car and drove back to the house I grew up in, and as I picked Liz up from the front seat of my car, she started babbling like a drunk; wait a minute, she was drunk.

"Marty, you devil, you got me drunk to take advantage of me, but I know a secret."

"What secret?"

"That, um, we love you, you gave us this ring, so pretty, I have secrets."

"Right, Liz. What secrets?"

"I can't, um, we can't remember."

She passed out as I laid her on the bed, so I stripped her and laid her on her side facing out from the bed with pillows keeping her on her side. Placing a bath towel and a trash can on the floor beside her made me feel comfortable, so I went to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee; any family members sleeping over should be home soon. I finished my coffee, put the pot on warm, and went to bed. I undressed and stood for a moment, looking down on Liz, snoring away, before replacing the pillows behind her with my body.

*****

Something woke me up; the bed moved, and someone walked behind me, so I turned to look, and no one was there. I looked behind me, and Liz was under the covers. I must be dreaming because I'm drunk, so I spooned her and passed out again.

The sun was up when I awoke; the time was 7:41 by my watch, and I was sporting a lovely length of

morning wood. I pulled the covers down, revealing two beautiful butt cheeks, and my left hand slid between them, feeling for moisture. Happily, the answer was, Houston, we have lubrication, and I lined little Marty up to Liz's warm, sweet honey pot and slid his head into the cavern of love.

Liz moaned, but I didn't think she was awake yet. She was rotating her hips, so I slipped another inch inside.

A sleepy voice broke the silence, "Is that you poking me, Marty?"

Bottoming out was my answer; making the small head flex and twitch was just mean. Then, before I could answer Liz, I heard Dianna's voice from the kitchen, "Knock first, Momma."

And in the blink of an eyelid, the bedroom door opened, and Momma came in talking, "Get up, you two...." Then silence.

I froze because she couldn't see my butt if I didn't move. Talk about a stupid thought process. I should have grabbed the blanket. If I rolled on my back to hide my butt, something would be pointing at Jupiter.

"Oh my, I haven't seen that since you were twelve, and I walked in on you peeping through Dixies' window at Linda Fairchild in the pool, and you were, um, busy."

"MOMMA. TMI."

"I keep hearing that, and I'm unfamiliar with that term, Martin."

"Two much information, Momma. Do you think you could leave and close the door behind you?"

"Oh my, I told you to knock, Momma."

"DIANNA. Oh my God! Who else is out there?"

"Just your father and Joe."

Joe was trying hard not to laugh, and Dad cleared his throat.

"Anyway, the reason I barged in was to tell you breakfast is ready." Silence settled over the house for a few seconds, and then she finished, "Well, I think we can leave the room now."

I heard the door close, then laughing and giggling from the hallway, and my wood had turned into a soggy noodle.

Liz asked, "Aren't you going to finish what you started?"

"Haw, haw, haw. Shit, I'm gonna hear about this for a while."

"Let's go eat. I'm hungry, and I want breakfast now, Marty. I'll take care of that thing tonight."

And so I ate in silence in the dining room with a red face, listening to smartass quips such as adorable dimples, chubby cheeks, and smiley face butt crack.

The cookout began when Dad fired up his grill as people started dropping by. Ruth and Jason showed up at 1:15, and Liz and Momma fought over who got to hold the baby. Not long after that, Uncle Bob and family arrived, and Larry, my youngest cousin, made a beeline toward me.

"Marty, can I talk to you privately, for a minute."

"Sure, Larry." He followed me to the front yard, and I wasn't paying attention to what he talked about.

"I guess you know I'm heavy into computers and also do work for Dad and Uncle Alex."

"Uh-huh, Larry."

" Marty, I need a custom system for the work I do for my Dad and the company. But he won't let me spend company money on a machine I put anything personal on. I work from home and don't have enough space for two complete systems in my room. I tried explaining about partitions or even two separate hard drives, and he refused to listen."

I was paying attention now as I had thoughts regarding computers when I started working for Stevens A&D after graduating.

"Sure, I surf the Internet and play RPGs, and sometimes I even go to sites with poor reputations, but I use encrypted connections through secure VPNs and have the top antivirus software available. If I buy an off-the-shelf system for myself, I'll have to replace it every eight to ten months. Building a custom box to share, I can get two, maybe three years out of it."

"When did you want this to happen?"

"In January, on my birthday. I'm hoping I can network the family into giving me cash, but I'm still going to be short."

"Don't say anything to the family, and see me at Christmas. We'll talk then."

We ate, drank, and everyone but me told butt jokes as we dug into burgers and hot dogs. Then, after Momma served dessert, vanilla ice cream, and chocolate syrup, Jason asked me to tell the uncensored version of what happened between Ruth and me the week of Dianna's wedding.

Mama looked at me and asked, "Did I not get the whole story, Martin?"

"Momma, you are always the first to get the truth."

Like playing musical chairs at a birthday party, everyone grabbed a seat and quickly quieted down.

So, I began telling the tale of Ensign Joe and Princess Dianna's magical wedding in the enchanted forest of Greenville. And those who were part of the story added stuff I forgot, and Dianna got huffy because she didn't know I used her credit card and stole money from her stash. When I started to tell the details of Wednesday's trip to the beach at the lake, everyone got real quiet.

"I parked on the road by the beach house, and we walked down to the lake; Ruth was wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt and Danni's white shorts, which were really tight, a big wide sun hat I had in my car, and when we reached the sand, she had a weird smile on her face.

I got everyone's attention and introduced Ruth to my friends. She acknowledged everyone with a wave of her hand, before turning away from the lake, bending over, and slowly spreading her towel on the sand. With every movement tantalizingly exaggerated, she rolled her hips as she slowly turned around and popped the snap on her shorts. Watching Ruth slide the zipper down, one tiny tooth at a time, every mouth was silently hanging open, tongues out dropping saliva on the sand.

I took roll call, and everyone was staring at Ruth; Chase, Greg, Toby, Dennis, Vince, Carol, Ellie, Chase's parents, his married sister, and her husband. In addition, the three hundred people in the vicinity using the lake stopped their boats and dropped anchor, and C-47s belonging to the 82^nd Airborne flew over us as paratroopers jumped out of the planes, pushing and shoving, all trying to get a better look...."