All Comments on 'Forced Perspective'

Hi Everyone,

Now I can see the story in this format, I can see the obvious grammar and formatting issues. I will work on getting out a few more stories then I might circle back to fix these errors and have the story republished.

Again I hope that you all enjoy the story even with the obvious errors :)

It was long, but that said I don't get how people can think that a sperm donor who doesn't stick around can be called a "real" father.

Very nice story but you need to proofread your stories or have someone else do it,

You would have been wise to shelve this and submit some shorter stories first. Many readers are reluctant to devote so much reading time to an author they don't know.

George was nearby but never lifted a finger to protect his biological son who was constantly being beaten and threatened with death?

Quite simply, he can go fuck himself.

In general I liked this story. I do have to say that as it passed the half-way point, the spelling and wording seemed to me to become worse and that took away from my enjoyment. I'm not a grammar-police type but whenever I noticed such a mistake it distracted me from the story's flow. Nonetheless, I gave it ****.

While I feel you did go a bit overboard on the melodrama, it's a pretty good story. Seems like the protagonist doesn't have too much agency, and life just happens to him. But real good for a first entry.

This was a really good story. I would highly recommend an editor or atleast run it thru spell check.

Good first effort. Now...

1. It's too fucking long. The best writers don't lard their stories with sex scenes; they focus on plot and character development. You probably will hear about other parts that unnecessarily lengthened the story.

2. The "big reveal" about the wife "losing her virginity" and the claim that the paternity of the MC wasn't "her story to tell" weren't credible reasons for the wife keeping a mysterious secret. Under the circumstances, it's almost impossible to believe that those things would motivate her behavior. This is a serious stumble because so much turns on the paternity issue.

3. Learn how to use pronouns correctly. "They" is plural and cannot be used (except illiterately) with a singular antecendent. Apart for the semi-educated, only woketards, feminists, and other dumbfucks engage in this bit of linguistic vandalism.

4. Read Tod172, SleeperyJim, Mainefiddleheads, and the unoriginalist to see see some fine writing, both technically and substantively (plotting, characters, etc).

There is promise in your writing, so you get a 5 to encourage you. Best of luck.

Did I read this right: Dianna was raped and just a few days later she is informed that she is pregnant and it could be from the rapists? I thought it takes a few weeks before it shows on a pregnancy test.

You need and editor.

Sorry, but I couldn't finish reading. Stop on page 7.

Your story is childish and genuinely immature.

It seems to have been written by a teenager who cannot control his fantasies.

It is full of nonsense, exaggeration and clichés that do not correspond to the references of the authors cited in the introduction like StangStar06 or Blackrandl1958.

It's a shame because you put in a very big writing effort for a first story.

The best stories are often the simplest, and have ordinary people as their characters.

there is no need for a millionaire, super warriors or super genius, 10 inch cocks, super lover, woman becoming slut for no reason, .......

Hoping I didn't write too harsh a review,

good continuation.

Okay, your story kept me interested all the way thru- I read it all, so have to acknowledge it was good. Honestly, tho, have to also admit that I was very frustrated throughout, as I kept having to tell myself that it was only a work of FICTION. To have that many vicious psychopaths in one family, none with ANY redeeming qualities, well that strains credulity. Also, I've never understood why folks with so much money don't hire some personal bodyguards.

was all over the place. keep trying....but get an editor. The story needed a lot of tightening.

Beaten, tortured, raped, incest. We are products of our environment, good and bad.

Joan is filled with hate; but why? Why not is a better question. Her gentle brother was her half brother and by hating on him, she was praised by her father. Her raped her, best her and taught her to hate.

Can you hate her for that?

Mom was beaten, raped and forced to engage in investigation. She was beaten for her son and he hated her for it. Called her weak.

Decades of abuse and her son, the one she was tortured for, hated her.

The list of hate in this story was…laughable. The perfect couple with the happy ending was cringe-worthy and the villains were predictable.

You could have shortened this story by 9 pages and it would have been tolerable but to add in this bizarre kidnap, drugging and rape scene was too much.

I hope this is the first of many stories you write! A great story and I look forward to your next story! Kudos to you! Well worth 5 stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Brian surgery? 🤣 A pretty good first story but a good editor or just a proof reader would have helped tremendously. Overall not a bad story to lose your virginity on.😉

wow love this story even if it was a long story i gave it five stars

Great first story! Really liked the style and story. The only weakness is that I don't agree that the main characters response to "i have a major secret" would have been, "oh, just tell me when you want".

Well that was certainly different, well done

Alright, I will give this one 4 stars out of 5 but only to encourage you to write more. Normally I would have given it just 3 out of 5. Lets start with the easier subjects, you need an editor or someone to proofread but you already said in the beginning that there may be alot of grammar mistakes, so no problem there. But what needs improvment is the dialogue, sometimes it sounded rehearsed and not natural. The greatest mistake you made was to force the drama. For everything that happend in your story you should try to think how it would look from outside. Did it make sense that Diana couldnt be truthful to him about his parentage or tell him about her being raped by her uncle? Not really, even less after they were married. Did it make sense that not one of the teachers at his school wouldnt report the possible abuse? Not in our time and even less so if Norman and Jack were actual relatives. His real father could have easily taken care of him. Then there were so many non-sensical sentences about one of them running away from the other? Why did that even come up? If your spouse lies in the hospital after being assaulted and raped, no normal human being would run away. Or why would he question about her not running away at the end? What provoked this question? And there were many more conclusions and assumptions most people wouldnt make or are just outlandish.

Overall, great story. One thing that nagged at me throughout the whole story. As cruel and manipulative as Roger was ... The big secret of Dianna's history with him was that she worked for him for a short time and he had her at the party to set her up with Harry in a ploy to extort some $??? That's too small of a secret for Dianna to have been so terrified to tell Harry... It just feels like there was something much bigger and darker that remained hidden from Harry

Outstanding first story! Thanks for the story, the effort, and the time writing it. Please keep writing.

Great story. You definitely need a proofreader as it will only make your stories shine but easier to read. Welcome, I look forward to reading more of your original stories.

You’re gonna be one of the best on this site…. Keep em coming!

TK

For a first, brilliant. My only problem with it is the contrived bits of secrecy. Otherwise this is very well written through the first 7-8pages then the Grammer and spelling degrade a bit(think,"editor") but overall one of the better efforts on this site.

Good story, but you desperately need an editor

Extremely well written. But PLEASE, if you continue to write, and I hope you do, thoroughly re read all that have written and correct the many spellings and horrible grammatical errors before publication.

Yes, great first story. Definitely consider securing an editor.

Mr. Other1,

Impressive. You are better, right out the gate, than a great many writers with many stories under their belts. You had a story to tell, and you told it. You had imagination, and you used it. Congratulations on your first story, and I, for one, hope you do continue to write those others you mentioned.

The events of this story were quite... horrific. So horrific, that it was a daunting read. Sometimes it be like that. You do need editing help, yes, but again, it was better, without help, than many I see by long-time posters here. Hit me up when you get that next story done and I'll hook you up. Thanks for posting and welcome to Lit as a writer. Randi.

I was a little baffled why after he left that horror house he kept going back once a month for lunch? I would think he would've stayed as far away from that family. I also couldn't understand why his wife made him continue the lunches/dinners with his family, knowing how they all treated him. That was my 1st clue she was not to be trusted. I would've never forced my husband to be around people like them. I love him too much to do that to him. Also, is there a reason he didn't arm himself with a gun and learned how to fight? The story was ok but I dont think it needed to be 13 pages. It was a little boring.

Great story, needs an editor.....?? Kilowatts

Your first story was a good start to what I hope will be a long list of good stories. You chose the toughest and least forgiving category to put it in and still came through - well done!

When you reread this one a year from now, you will see the mistakes that other commenters have remarked on, and - if you're like me with my first - will cringe with embarrassment. But that's okay, because it means you will have improved a whole lot. I keep my first ones as a reminder of how not to write.

Grammar, spelling etc., aside, I think your biggest problem may have been researching a logical flow. Some things took way longer than they should (secrets), and others flashed past faster than a speeding bullet. If court cases happened as you wrote yours, all the lawyers would be out of business as they wouldn't be able to charge all those happy, expensive hours they love so much. I honestly don't think you can go from a plea of not guilty straight to sentencing (as evidence and arguments are usually presented between those) with the judge then signing off with some truly cringe-worthy praise for the victims. But I'm guessing we live in different countries, so I could very easily be wrong.

However, the plot was interesting, and your writing (with the aforementioned assistance of an editor) is pretty solid. I look forward to your next posting.

Thank you, sir.

Other, congrats on your first story.

The problems I had (though trivial) were, when I found out that Diannna was only 6" tall, I think you meant 6' tall, and when he went to see his mom and sister in jail the wales were painted green, I think you meant walls.

A few things a new writer make on their first story, are making them too long (I hate reading long stories), and wanting to shocking the reader with to much info. You could have omitted a lot of the back story and made it come out just as good. Another thing you need to watch is time frames, Dianna went to Norm to talk him into making Harry take a day off to be with her, the next thing we knew he planned this super trip which included their friends. How long would it really take to put that altogether? More than one day.

Good luck with your future stories.

A little lengthy and some mistakes that took me out of the stream of reading, I.e typos and word errors that changed the intent of some sentences. I had to do some mental leaps to rethink of what you meant to return to the stream. Beyond all that well done. The length didn't bother me though as you did some excellent writing to explain what the heck happened.

You've had some great comments which I'm sure you deserved. But as soon as I saw it was 13 pages, I refused to read it. Best of luck in the future.

Great story, especially being your first one! Well done and keep writing.

Thank you everyone for the comments. Loved the encouragement and the constructive criticism. Being new to trying to write this is going to help a lot. If your a LW editor and you would like to help me get this story into shape please reach out to me privately and I would love to get this updated so its easier to read.

As a first try story, I thought it was excellent! As others have stated, you need to at least have a proofreader and you probably need to condense the story somewhat. Even with that said, I found it entertaining and I read it from the first word to the last word. Take heart in a great start and keep on writing.

PS. I also find it interesting that some of the grammar police can't write a critique without their own misspellings and punctuation errors. LoL,

I'm looking for the next story!

And yes, 5 stars for the effort and the idea of the story!

In the real world of science the Australians actually have invented a process that reverts some plastics by breaking them down into a "crude oil" type compund. The reconstituted crude oil can then be made into other compounds including new plastics or even fuel...

For a first submission I have to say that it was a true winner and readers will enjoy the trip into your imagination so I hope to read more in the near future.. My critque is that some section became too drawn out and I found myself skimming paragraphs to get the story moving. You acknowledge that editing errors are yours but you and all authors must become good proofreaders. Learn to read what is actually written and not what you intended to write and please do not rely on spellcheck. Often a mistype will come up with a real word but not the one intended and with a story as long as this one boredom from rereading pages can overlook a myriad of minor mistakes.

Meh. A boring, weak story about boring, weak people that goes on for about 7 pages too long. The "twist" was given away right out of the gate and it's actually painful to read page after page and never see anyone put it together. That's the main problem here; EVERYONE is dumb as a brick and it's clearly just to pad things out. If anyone had more than two braincells at any given time, this would be a ten-minute read.

That said, it's still better than the typical virgin offering around here, so you've got that going for you. Definite talent and potential, but I'd hate to see it wasted on my tripe like this.

loved this story. Please continue to write.

Good first effort! Could have been 2 or 3 parts.

5

Enjoyed it a great deal. Look forward to seeing more from you.

Thank you for this interesting rollercoaster ride. I hope to have the chance to read more of your work.

He pays for security except when they are at most vulnerable?

I look forward to reading more of your stories as you bring them out.

Love it

Well thought out story, a little dramatic but a good read.

Way, way, way to long.

That's quite the story.

Very engaging.

I one time actually worked next door to David Burnie.

Only saw him the once from a truck as I pulled into our gateway.

But I had a strong sense of the evil before me.

The cops took him away a week later.

So evil people exist.

Probably a few plot weaknessester.

But a very good effort.

Thank you.

Cheers

Didn't go in the direction I expected. Thank you.

A rather weak story, about some very stupid people.

Why is this even in the LW category? it would fit much better in the noncon category than anything else, I'd think.

Even though the plot was a little predictable, you get huge points for NOT breaking this story down into parts. Just wish more authors would realize this.

I totally enjoyed the story. For self-editing, I thought you did a good job, and mistakes were to a minimum for this long. I didn't mind the brian surgery but you did have my personal bugaboo "looser vs loser". Keep writing !!! So I don't miss any more of your stories , I've put you on my favorite author list. Take care.

Maryland Line

It was a decent effort, but too long for your first story. It's hard to proofread and edit something this large and I lost count of all the errors I spotted.

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As for the story itself, it stretched my sense of disbelief to breaking point that Harry would maintain any contact with the family once he'd left home. His father, brother, and sister all hated him, while his mother treated him with cold indifference. Greg physically and mentally abused Harry for over a decade! Harry was supposed to be smart, so why couldn't he figure out he was an illegitimate son with Greg taunting him about being "the mistake"?

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What made the decision to keep returning home even more bizarre was that the family still insulted and belittled Harry at ever opportunity. Nobody would tolerate any shit from that toxic family when they no longer had to, especially when Harry had become very wealthy. At that point I started to lose sympathy for the protagonist and that never bodes well for a story.

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A far more likely outcome would've been Harry cutting ties with everyone in his family as soon as he left for college. When he made a lot of money, there was even less likelihood of him wanting to see any of them ever again.

Gave you 4 stars for all the work I know you put into the story. Interesting plot, but you had somethings way out of sequence. They read statements in the court before asking for a plea? Then move directly to the sentencing?

You needed to do a little editing to make sure everything flowed in a logical order and time sequences were followed. But it was still a lot better than many of the stories.

Good story even though the typos and grammar made it a challenging read. None the less we were forewarned so it's worthy of 4 stars. Hope to see more stories from you.

... the diatribes (or lectures)... good lord, they were wordy and long. If the diatribes had been broken up by questions and responses by the person being talked at, it might have chopped things into manageable and more realistic conversations.

Very good for a first foray into the literary world. I hope you're further contributions are just as well written. I look forward to the next.

A bit too long, and I like longer stories. It was entertaining until the rape scene with the family participating while Diane was incapacitated. The story took a turn for the worst once that was introduced. All in all a good first attempt but my constructive criticism would be for the author not to try and please every reader and let a story progress to at least a semi logical conclusion.

I’m sorry, I tried to get through but the substituted words and clumsy sentence structure are just too distracting. Good premise, but you desperately need an editor.

Very nicely done for a first story. Yes, there were things an editor and particularly a proofreader could have caught, but the overall writing quality and story was quite high. I look forward to seeing more from you!

I wanted to give this a 5. You are an excellent storyteller, rare for an author’s first post here. You drew me in with those first couple of paragraphs, and I never lost interest and the story kept moving along (some rookie writers linger too long or repost things unnecessarily)

But although you are an excellent storyteller, you need to do some work as a writer. Words are a writer’s tools and p, just like any other craft, how writers use their tools matters. Using the right word at the right time and in the right place is a necessary skill and the difference between dull or confusing writing and great writing.

When a writer uses an incorrect word, or use a misspelled word, or leaves out an important word, readers get confused. They step out of the world of the story to try and decipher what the writer intended to say. You don’t want that; good writing keeps writers immersed in the world of the story.

So, yes, you need to brush up on apostrophes (you’re and your, city’s and cities).

Some distract by giving the reader an unintended chuckle:

* “I felt a thrill when her lounge danced with mine” — I guess “her tongue”?

* “ We retied to the enormous master bedroom.”

* “ Brian surgery.”

* “ the sent was one of arousal. She had a thin patch of brown public hair above her pussy.”

But you really need to catch things that stop a reader in their tracks, things like these:

* “Large manifesting companies were falling over themselves — “manufacturing”?

I’m not sure.

* “I was shouted to big fancy restaurants for excellent meals” — I have no idea.

* “When we got home from the trip that brought us our third site for Norman and I, along with our senior team, worked our asses off for two weeks straight, all be days and no time off at all, this included weekends.” Not sure.

* “Finally, by the end of the third week of extra time on work bringing it five weeks since I had gotten home, Dianna and I hadn't even had a date.” Not sure.

* “If the business was viable, I could perhaps purchase it and keep them employed. However, I wasn't sure the lawyers would need to look at it.” If you might buy a company, wouldn’t your lawyers INSIST ON looking at the deal?

* “Common mistake, let's go, you and me.” Not sure. “Come on”?

* “It hasn't been fun, but it's also sad.” Not sure.

Finally, there were a couple of timeline or factual issues that felt off to me.

* I would’ve thought that an entrepreneur with a hot patent and lots of demand would license the process to existing manufacturers rather than build from scratch; I think that establishing manufacturing facilities in different countries would have taken far longer than the storyline allowed.

* It seemed more like days than like months between Dianna’s rape and Charlotte’s premature birth, but months were needed. The timeline for events after the trial also seemed off: “Not long after the court case, Jack and Cindy got engaged and then not long after, Dianna gave birth to our son Harry Jr. Jack and Cindy got married when he was three months old.”

* I’m not a lawyer, but if the three defendants were having separate trials, I don’t think there would have been a single judge hearing all three at the same time. Separate would mean separate.

I’ve taken the time to offer these examples (and, yes, there were others), not to discourage you, but to encourage you, because I believe you have tremendous potential as a storyteller if you can strengthen your writing.

The best solution is an editor. But even if you have trouble finding an editor, I suggest you finish the story, put it aside for a couple of days and then read it again. Someone once suggested to me that I read what I had written out loud. That keeps you from going too fast and “reading“ what you meant to say rather than what you actually said. Ideally, you carefully reread your own work, and still get an editor to catch what you might’ve missed.

I am very much looking forward to more from you in the future. An engaging story, very well told. Thank you.

Excelllent. Makes a change to have a LW story in the right category. Great 1st effort, you can only improve althought a bit of editing is needed, maybe a proof reader.

JJ

Really good story, enjoyed it. You’re right - need an editor for reviewing for missing words, repeated word and use of correct words (some were incorrect words for a different intent). Keep writing, you’ll get better and do fine as a story teller.

An excellent story. Please do more. Thank you

I wish I can add to what others have commented, but I can't. Yes, you desperately need an editor or two. It was VERY ambitious coming out of the chute with a 13 page story and some of the strokers heads probably exploded somewhere along their read - LOL! I really enjoyed the complex plot lines and overall story arc. I had some problems with Harry not asking tougher questions as their relationship progressed. I always judge stories on how believable the characters are and is the overall story plausible. I can't see him not asking the tough questions much earlier in the story and his "I trust you" to Di just wasn't enough for me. I "get" you wanted to save it for the big reveal later in the story, but some of the foreshadowing narrative went too far to leave questions answered earlier rather than later. I know, it's a delicate balance to get that right, just missed by a bit this time around. Hopefully, some of the "greats" in LW will read this story and offer some assistance/expertise. If not, let me know and I will try to help where I can... 5*

Thank you for sharing your first story. I hope you continue to write and share them.

I suppose I've read too many of these stories. When Dianna was introduced I was like, "Welp, there's the girl that the dad set up to fuck him over." Things progressed and that seemed like it wasn't going to happen, so my thoughts changed to, "Welp, guess the dad and brother are going to rape his wife." Count me surprised that BOTH of my thoughts were correct.

Now, some criticism... All of the main characters are horrible.

- Harry is shown as being strong enough to take the abuse and endure hardship. Yet, he feels so beholden to his family that after he has his freedom, which he expressly stated he loved, he continued to go back to his family monthly. Why? He was portrayed as a beatened boy, but he was never beatened down. He was FAAAAAAAAAAR too forgiving, especially towards his mother.

- There was no reason why Dianna couldn't share her full secret to Harry. Her story of her past to him made it seemed like she was a hooker turning tricks to survive the streets, not that she was a rape victim. I'm not attempting to belittle the effects of rape, but it's a plot point you went to twice on the same character. The whole "it's a secret and will hurt you" was just horrible, and makes no sense to me. It felt like that was done just to put her in a place where Harry's family would drug & rape her.

- The mom does not deserve any redemption. She allowed the abuse to happen, then allowed the rape to happen, and attempted to cover it up/prolong it. No matter what she went through, she was the adult, and should have just grabbed her son and fled. This ruined the story for me. In many ways, she's the worst character here.

- What was with Joan starting to act almost decent, just to turn all evil and rapey? That made no sense at all.

- Roger & Greg were far too cliche and idiotic. I know that was the point, but there was absolutely no subtlety to them. The readers knew that Harry was an affair baby right from the beginning. We also knew what these two were going to do, in one fashion or another. Every sentence out of their mouths might as well have been "I'm gunna rape your future wife!" and the story wouldn't have been impacted.

- The "family has been close" twist at the end was horribly contrived. I think it would have been better if they had just been regular people that were just good, and were there for Harry because they liked him and recognized he needed friends.

Fuck he had victim written all over him fuck he couldn’t stop blubbering desperate for someone to love him .

This was a very enjoyable story. Really loved it and hope to see more from this author.

First story or not that was really good. A couple of literate proof readers would make a huge difference if you can't find a reliable editor, did the errors detract from the story? Not really for me, I often quote from one of the best authors on here the great Papatoad who says " I would rather read a good story with bad grammar than a bad story with perfect grammar" I agree with that sentiment and this was a good story, thank you.

A very good story, I look forward to reading more from you.

Thank you.

@sbrooks103x

You would have been wise to shelve this and submit some shorter stories first. Many readers are reluctant to devote so much reading time to an author they don't know.

You have got to be kidding! Do you think that stories like this just lay around some place to be picked up and published or dangling from a tree waiting to be picked.

You act as though you are some kind of story guru.

Yeah, good one mate. Keep going, I’ll read more!

Good story. Dont worry about it “being too long.” Personally, I like the longer stories. (I feel like I’m getting my moneys worth). Write to your satisfaction. It takes a lot to put yourself out there the first time. LW has been struggling lately. Well done.

Very good story with good development. Yeah, you need to make use of an editor, but the basic story is still good. Keep writing though and you will continue to improve.

my advise is less is more. This story could have been told in with only half the words. And I agree, you do need an editor.

Great first story. Yeah, you need an editor but you did well for a first try. Please keep it up!

illiterate - that means it couldn't be read by normal English speakers.

Maybe try reading it yourself and see if you don't find some of the obvious and ridiculous mistakes.

Pathetic really, when you realize it was a knock of of Harry Potter.

One thing about living in America, is that if you don't like something, you can negatively say you don't. A lot of writers' are so arrogrant in themselves, that they feel that one has to "always love their work" and not critize their work. These type of authors' were raised in disney-world homelives; spoiled, entitled, and colored rosed glasses, that allows them to be so out of touch with the real world and real people. These story and, particularly, the MC is PATHETIC. A lot of LW'S authors state that if you don't like a particular story, don't read it, and not to comment. You know what? I don't like watching the news, because it can be depressing, but you know what? I still watch and read the news because I still would like to know what's going in this WORLD that I live in.

I enjoyed that story very much. Please keep writing.

You need help with spelling and grammar but an excellent 5 star story. More please

So many words, so much confusion, an overly verbose mess of words that is way too long and way to confused. 1 * as the first few pages held promise, however shortly lived. It was the worst story I have ever read on Literotica, or anywhere else for that matter. Cut out 10 pages and get to the point earlier and it may become a reasonable story. As it stands it sucks, bigtime! I don't understand the positive reviews. Are the Anon one's written by you to give this mess some credibility? I hope so, it would be disturbing to think there are so many people out there who consider this hot mess a story. Better luck next time, and keep it to 4 pages!

Nice but long. About 20k words too much for my taste.

Thanks for sharing.

A story like this needs to be published. For this venue it could have been shorter.

Like the commenters have said: very good debut, albeit too long. 4*

Thanks for the story.

A work like this will have taken hours and hours to write.

And we're thankful for such dedication.

I'm not going to mention what I feel is wrong or right in this story.

Just one thing I think is worth thinking about.

Nobody expects writers of mysteries here to be an Agatha Christie.

But to sustain a mystery, you must avoid making the main character stupid.

This MC is just that.

He knows his girlfriend has a big secret even before they married.

Only a stupid man marries without answers beforehand.

Then there is the arguement between wife and "father" at the reception.

He asks, gets no answers and says he trusts his wife.

This has nothing to do with trust.

Him thinking that is just stupid.

At that point the story was just short of half way through.

We have money and fame.

A family who probably isn't his.

A wife who isn't honest.

A MC who is stupid and wimpy towards an evil family.

Not really a single interesting character in the plot.

Dear, writer, this is where readers like me lose interest.

Just imagine putting this plot and characters in a Die Hard movie.

I'm pretty sure we'd never see a Die Hard 7.

No ratings from me.

Very good tale. Some editing would help but really enjoyed reading it.

pg5 so his wife has secrets in her past that is HIS parents responsinility to tell him?

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I just cant with this story

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Its obvious the MC mother had an affair and he isnt his fathers son

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It seems that the big secret is his new wife is a slut for his dad and brother and the family conspired to get the whore to marry him for his money

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pg 6 why is the wife so adamant about her husband spending time with and giving money to people who abuse him?

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so it turns out she was raped by her uncle, and blackmailed by the MCs dad, yet again a plot relying on the fact that a supposedly living wife lies non stop to the man she loves

/

did she deserve to be drugged and raped? No but - it never would have happened had she not spent years lying to her husband

Clearly took hours and hours. However, it should have taken a few more. Put the draft away for a few days, then read* it - sentence by sentence. It looks like it was dictated to a speech-to-text application. Lots of homophones or near-homophones. ‘Extorted’ was perhaps the most egregious. As I recall, it shoulda been ‘exhorted’. Hard to make that mistake any other way … unless ‘exhorted’ was misspelled and spell-check did the job wrong (as usual) and it wasn’t worth checking!

*Do NOT scan through. Make every sentence make sense, then see if each paragraph links to the previous (then subsequent) one.

3*

Great story. Thank you so much for the huge effort and time involved. I hope you keep writing because I plan to keep looking for more. Again, thank you.

Les J

Really good story. I'll definitely look for more in the future

Lots of misspellings, homophones, confusing sentences, etc. You need an editor badly and maybe a couple of proofreaders. The story itself was good, but I had to stop several times to figure out what you were trying to say in some sentences.

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Several continuity errors too, for example: "Well, he's still alive; however, he lost his right arm and a lot of blood after you impaled him on the car part you stabbed him with, he's had two surgeries already, and he will need another two because there is an infection in the arm."

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He lost his arm or it's infected, which is true?

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Editors and proofreaders are fairly easy to find, but interesting story ideas are NOT so common - that's why you get a 5 for this story. Great first story, hope you keep writing. Thanks for posting.

Wow, that was really hard! An excellent story in my eyes that actually captivated me so much that I read it in one go. You have worked out your protagonists very well. In many situations I almost felt like I was there. That was really very, very good. And if that was your first story, then all I can say is "Chapo"! 5/5 !!!

O2O1 should be made to read this story. Serve him right!

But, I hope that you can do better.

Your story was good but I suspect that your word processing software had 'predictive text' turned on. Those things are not infallible. Take pity on your readers and proof read multiple times.

Great first effort, keep up the good work. Get a good editor and a proof reader to allow a more even and smooth flow. That was the main issue here. It didn’t allow some sections to explain themselves and caused some unneeded explanations that detracted from the story.

Way too farfetched.

Yes, it held my attention, but for god's sake get an editor. Yes, use MS Word Editor, but that won't catch the many instances of "your" being used when "you're" was appropriate. But all that being said, you're to be commended for all the time and hard work you put into this story, and all that hard work and decent (though highly improbable) storyline deserve four stars from me.