Forgiveness is a Choice

Lilith couldn't wait to tell me. Jacob had been correct. She'd spill the beans in great, gory detail. And she did. What she didn't know was that I had set my cell phone to record our conversation. I learned a lot more more about my in-laws, all of it disgusting.

"Jacob Harper was my first husband. He's Peter's and Allie's birth father. I met him when he brought one of his coworkers into the ER. He was young and handsome and already had a job. I thought he had ambition and I let him ask me out. He was a lot of fun, a good lover and he liked taking me places. My parents weren't thrilled with him, but I thought I could move him up the economic ladder. I was wrong. Seven years later, he was still a carpenter and I'd had to go back to work after we bought the house to afford the house and the kids. I met Michael at work. He was a doctor, clearly moving up in the world, had lots of money and wanted me. I wanted what he could provide for me and the kids, so I let him have me. His parents were pushing him to marry and continue the family name, but he was sterile. Some sort of accident in college, he said. His parents were willing to accept an adopted son as long as he carried the family name forward. So I agreed to divorce Jacob and marry Michael. After that, it was just a matter of making sure that Jacob had minimal time with the kids. Michael and I did all we could to screw with Jacob's time with them. We knew Jacob was straining to make the child support payments and hold onto the house, so he couldn't possibly go back to court. He didn't have the money."

"Very clever," I said. I don't think Lilith caught the sarcasm in that comment, because she continued on a roll.

"We always signed the kids up for summer stuff so Jacob couldn't take them anywhere. He was spending his vacations driving back and forth from that little hovel he lived in to the school and back again. The kids hated it, Peter particularly. Allie seemed more willing to spend time with her dad, so we had to work harder on her."

"How did you get her to agree to support terminating Jacob's parental rights and having Michael adopt her?"

"The year Allie turned fourteen, all her friends were going to spend the summer in Europe with a school program. You should remember that program from your time at the school. It was a huge deal for the girls coming into the freshman class. If you didn't go, you were always going to be a second class citizen at school. We told Allie that if she didn't get with the program to terminate her father's parental rights, we wouldn't let her go. You know how girls that age are. I got all her friends to talk about how important the trip was to her standing at school. Even with that kind of peer pressure, she fought us almost until the hearing, but she finally folded. She cried a lot after the hearing, but we told her that if we ever caught her contacting Jacob, we wouldn't pay for the school or for college or for graduate school. We'd kick her out at age eighteen and leave her fend for herself. We'd also make sure Michael's parents didn't leave her anything to help her. After that, she just gave up. She hasn't brought Jacob up in years."

"You guys really worked hard at eliminating Jacob. I still don't understand why."

"Jacob was a loser and we didn't want him influencing the kids. He was never going to be anything but a carpenter. He had no drive, no ambition, just wanted to be thought of as some sort of craftsman. That wasn't enough for Michael and me. We were afraid he'd infect Peter and Allie with that bullshit. So we had to get him out of their lives while we still had time to shape their drive and ambition."

"Well, you certainly succeeded in removing him from their lives and you seem to have given them all the drive and ambition a parent could want." Again, Lilith missed the tone of my comment.

"Yes, we did. I'm proud of how well we managed to give Peter and Allie the kinds of values and drive that will let them succeed in the world. They'd never have gotten that from Jacob. They'd be drones in some office somewhere or maybe even laborers of some kind. They'd be struggling to pay school loans and probably still wouldn't own a home. Allie never would have met you and you wouldn't have Davy and Amanda. What we did was for their own good. I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"Thank you for explaining that, Lilith. I understand now why Allie was upset seeing the man after all these years. You've helped me immensely. I appreciate that." And with that, I left for home.

I was barely in the car before I called my mother. Having a professor of psychiatry as a mother gives you access to all kinds of mental health resources. "Mom," I said, "I need some help. Allie and I are having problems and we are going to need some counseling if this marriage is to survive. Can you recommend someone?"

"Don't tell me one of you has been unfaithful." Trust mom to get to the most likely cause of marital breakdown for people of our generation.

"No mom, nothing like that. It's more a matter of myhaving lost trust in her. She's been keeping a secret from me since we met. I found out earlier this week that Michael is not Allie's biological father. Allie's mom cheated on her biological father, then drove a wedge between Allie and Peter and her real dad. She and Michael even got the poor guy's parental rights terminated so Michael could adopt them. I just left Lilith's house after listening to her brag about it. I'm disgusted with my in-laws right now. And what's worse, Allie seems to have cooperated in the process, if somewhat reluctantly and under some serious pressure from Lilith, Michael and Peter, because the man is a carpenter and couldn't give her what Michael could. When I asked her last night if she'd do that to me, should the opportunity arise, she hesitated before she answered. I'm really conflicted. If there's a chance of that happening, I'd rather end the marriage now than end up like her real dad did - abandoned and crushed. I met with him before I met with Lilith. In fact, meeting with Lilith was his idea. I'll play the tape of my conversation with Lilith for you later, but right now Allie and I are going to need a lot of help to get by this."

Mom had a recommendation for me. I called and made an appointment for us. I'll jump ahead here just a bit to tell you that Allie and I did finally patch the cracks in our marriage with the help of this counselor. But it was really Jacob and forgiveness and love as much as the counselor's help that got us through the struggle.

I didn't know it at the time I met with Lilith, but while I was doing that, Allie had dropped Davy and Amanda at a neighbor's and had gone to see her father. I'll let her tell you about that.

ALLIE

After David and I had the fight, I was devastated. He'd not been angry, which I could have dealt with. He'd been disgusted, even revolted, with my behavior, with me. For the first time in years, I was forced to look at myself though the eyes of someone who didn't approve of what Michael and my mother and I had done to the man who fathered me. And after looking at me through David's eyes, I was disgusted too. Had I really been that self-centered, greedy and selfish? As I thought back on what had happened, I had to answer yes. And then David had told me that he thought our marriage was over. What had I done? The words the judge spoke so long ago came flooding back to me. I couldn't speak to my mother, Peter or Michael, but I was ashamed of how I'd treated my real father. And I realized that if I had even the slightest bit of hope of staying married to David, I'd have to convince him that his trust in me was not misplaced and that I was not the shallow, vain, selfish and greedy fourteen year old who had cooperated in throwing away a father's love for a pot full of things.

When David came home the next day after talking with my real father (for that was how I was now beginning to think of him) and told me that my real father might be willing to forgive me, I decided that I had to try to beg for that forgiveness as soon as I could. It took me a couple of days to find out where my real father lived. To my surprise, he was still in the house we'd moved into when I was two. I decided to go to his house, knock on his door, and throw myself on his mercy, begging his forgiveness. The worst he could say was "No" and I would be no worse off with David if I told him I'd begged for forgiveness and failed to obtain it. At least then he'd know I tried. So, I called in a favor from a girlfriend, dropped Davy and Amanda off with her, and drove out to the old house.

When I got there, I sat in the car parked at the curb for some time, working up the courage to talk to a man I'd hurt so badly. I finally got out of the car, walked up the driveway and rang the doorbell.

I was surprised to find the door opened by a woman about my own age, or perhaps a year or two younger. She was about my height, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and it was apparent I'd interrupted her Saturday morning chores. What surprised me even more was how attractive she was. Some women have to work at looking beautiful. This woman was striking dressed to do housework. She was slender, with shoulder length brown hair and a complexion that most of my girlfriends would have given five years of their lives to have. When she opened the door, I saw two little girls about Davy's and Amanda's ages peering around her legs on either side.

I was even more surprised when the woman greeted me by name. "Hello Allie," she said. "What do you want?"

"I'd like to speak to my father, please."

"He's not home. He's over watching our son play soccer. Our daughters have been sick, so I kept them home. He won't be back for an hour or so. Can I help you?"

It's perhaps a testament to just how selfish and self-centered I was that I just now realized that my father had another family. I don't know why I'd missed the meaning in his earlier comment about having daughters my children's ages, but it hadn't registered that it meant he had moved on with his life. I guess I'd expected he'd be camped out by the door, waiting for Peter or me to finally come to beg his forgiveness. But here was a woman, an attractive woman at least twenty years younger than he was, who had just told me that he and she had three children. My heart sank. If he'd replaced Peter and me with another family, why would he even consider trying to reestablish a relationship with me or form one with David and our children. I began to cry. Anna handed me a box of tissues, then waited for me to regain my composure.

"Come in, Allie and have a seat. I'm Anna. Jacob and I have been married a bit over four years. I'm guessing you had no idea. Why are you here?"

"Did he tell you that I saw him a few days ago at the house my husband and I are having renovated?"

"He did."

"David, my husband, and I had a terrible disagreement after we saw him. I had to tell David who he was and what happened all those years ago. David was disgusted with me. My marriage is in danger of collapse because David thinks I'm greedy, selfish, and not worthy of trust. And I've come to the conclusion that he's right, or at least he's right about what I was at the time. I've come to beg forgiveness for what I did to my father when I was fourteen."

"You're asking for a lot there. Why should Jacob forgive you? And what have you done to earn that forgiveness?"

"I don't deserve anything. I'm here to throw myself on his mercy. I will get down on my knees and beg if that's what he wants. He doesn't have to, I know, but I'd like to try to establish a relationship with him. And I'd like him to get to know David and my children. I don't expect him to forget what I did, but I'm hoping that we can somehow move past it and start over. A long time ago, the judge at the hearing said that he hoped that I'd someday realize just how much I hurt my father and beg for forgiveness for that hurt. And he also said he hoped my father would forgive me when that time came."

Anna looked at me for a long, long time. Then she said, "Maybe he can. I'm not sure I could, but your father is the best man I've ever known. If anyone can get past what you've done to him and still be willing to forgive you, it will be him. Now, come meet our daughters. They're your sisters, or at least your half-sisters." And with that, Anna took me into her family room and introduced me to Leah and Rachel.

JACOB

When Bobby and I got home that day, I was surprised to see an Audi A7 parked in front of our house. This was not an Audi neighborhood. I assumed it was a realtor canvassing for homes to sell or a family member of one of the neighbors. I had no idea that I would walk in my front door to find Allie speaking with my wife and playing with my daughters.

"Hello, Allie. I didn't expect to find you here. Is David with you?"

"He doesn't know that I'm here."

"Why are you here?"

"To throw myself on your mercy and beg your forgiveness for what I did to you all those years ago. I'm so sorry, daddy. I was foolish and weak and greedy and self-absorbed and more than a little afraid. I didn't think about what I was doing to you, only what I was going to get by cooperating with Michael and mother's plan. It wasn't until I saw you the other day and David forced me to see what I'd done through his eyes that I realized how badly I'd hurt you and how much I'd failed you as a daughter. I want to start over, if you'll let me. I want you back in my life. I want you in my husband's and children's lives. I can't undo what I've done, but I'd like to try to at least make it up to you to the extent I can. Do you think you could see it in your heart to let me do that?"

"I forgave you and your brother a long time ago. Holding on to the hurt and the anger was poisoning me. I had to let it go and I did. And then something, or should I say two someones, magic happened. I met Anna and Bobby. They became a replacement for the family I'd lost. And then Anna gave me Leah and Rachel. I wouldn't have any of this if you and Peter and Lilith and Michael hadn't done what you did. So in a strange way, what the four of you meant for evil became something meant for my good. I hope you can see that."

I continued, "But letting you back into my life? That's not a decision for me alone. I have a family now, one that hurts when I hurt, cries when I cry and laughs when I laugh. I'll need to discuss your request with Anna and Bobby. They have a voice in this decision, because if you hurt me again, you'll hurt them as well. I hope you'll give me the time to work through your request with them. Do you understand?"

"Yes, daddy, I do. Thank you for at least considering what I've asked. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to think that there might be even a slight chance that we could be more than strangers after all these years."

Our conversation finished, Allie rose to leave. I stood to walk her out the door. As I opened it, she turned and kissed me quickly on the cheek, then walked out the front door, got into the Audi and drove away.

We postponed the conversation until after the twins were in bed. Then Anna, Bobby and I gathered around the kitchen table and began the discussion. I had expected Anna to object to allowing Allie back into my, or should I say our, lives. She had been so angry at the way I'd been treated when we talked about it that one time more than four years ago. To my surprise, she was willing to take the risk. She had spent more time with Allie than I had and her preliminary conclusion was that Allie was truly repentant for her actions as a child and sincere in her shame and desire to reconnect.

What I hadn't anticipated was Bobby's objection. As far as I knew, Bobby only had the faintest bit of information about my prior family. I asked him why he was so vehement in his objection to giving Allie a chance. It turned out that the time he'd spent working with me on projects for George had resulted in conversations unrelated to the projects and the trades working on the projects. Naturally curious, he'd asked George to tell him more about my life prior to our first meeting and George, not realizing that I had been mostly a closed book with Bobby about my prior life, had given him a detailed description of what had happened. With fairly straightforward teenage logic, he'd decided that "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" applied to this situation and that I would be foolish to open myself up to being hurt by Allie again. He couldn't understand how I could forgive her for what she'd done, let alone give her a chance to hurt me again. And he was adamant that he didn't want her in our lives.

I was stymied, at least for the time being. Then I thought of something. I asked Father Martin to come to dinner. He was delighted to have the opportunity to see us after several years and gladly accepted the invitation. While I was on the phone with him, I explained what had transpired and how determined Bobby was not to allow Allie and her family into our lives. Bobby, I told him, couldn't understand how I could forgive such an offense. I asked Father to talk with him and see if he might explain why I could forgive and allow Allie another chance.

Asking a priest, even a retired one, to talk about forgiveness could get you a long and convoluted theological discussion. Or it can get you one that goes right to the heart of the concepts of sin, grace, forgiveness and redemption. I never asked Father or Bobby about the specifics of their conversation, but a couple of days after Father had spoken with Bobby, Bobby came to me and said that he was willing to take a chance on Allie and her family if I still wanted to. I don't think he expected the hug he got, but he didn't pull away and I told him how grateful I was for agreeing to allow us to try this.

It wasn't as if we jumped back into a relationship with both feet and without some serious two steps forward, one step back experiences. Initially, we'd meet Allie and David and their kids at a park, allowing the children to play together while we talked and got to know each other. To my surprise, especially given the difference in their education levels and jobs, Anna and Allie got to be good friends, bonding over their children. Bobby warmed to Davy and Amanda much more quickly than he did to David and it was a long time before he could be more than distantly polite to Allie. As time passed, we began to visit each other's homes, have dinner as a family and start to do the things that intact, functional families do. Allie and David's therapist actually asked Anna and me to meet with her and then to participate in some joint sessions with the two of them. She seemed surprised that I'd been willing to allow Allie back into my life and even more surprised that Anna had allowed it. In time, I got to meet David's parents, who turned out to be the kind of people I'd hoped Allie would model her values on. David's dad, Bruce, was a closet woodworker. He was building a wooden canoe in his basement and we became friends over the workbench. To Bruce's surprise, Bobby was as interested in the work as I was and he became a regular helper on the project. In Bruce, Bobby found the grandfather he'd never had.

It helped a great deal that Allie and David largely withdrew from Michael and Lilith's lives, almost without objection from Michael and Lilith. It seems that they were merely ornaments, like Davy and Amanda, and as long as there were occasional photos and the rare dinner on command, Michael and Lilith were more than satisfied.

We'd been working on reconnecting for almost a year and a half when Allie finally decided to tell Peter that she had found me and that she, David and her children were in regular contact. She told Peter that I was willing to reconnect with him and that she hoped he would take the opportunity to call me and begin a reconciliation. Sadly, Peter had no such interest. Instead, he'd immediately called Lilith and Michael to report that Allie was seeing me. That resulted in Lilith and Michael summoning David and Allie to dinner for what Lilith called "a family conversation." As David later reported to us, Michael had simply told them to cut off all further interactions with me and my family. If they refused, he'd cut them out of any inheritance and make sure their hospital careers were sidetracked. Lilith supported that completely and Peter even joined the conversation on a Zoom call to tell Allie she had to choose between him and my family.