All Comments on 'Found Pt. 01'

Looking forward to reading the next chapter.

It may be a total fantasy world but it is so much fun to play in. Ignore the trolls and haters. Thank you for the smiles and joy you bring.

Dialogue was cheesey at times and some scenarios seemed rushed. And the transitions between scenes was lacking. Spend a little more time on these and this could find its way as a permanent spot on the main page.

Also don't bring the Mom into this, they way she was promised was creepy and odd.

Great read, not many story’s are as well written. This is one story I will follow.

Very good. Thanks for the warn!into, but I didn't see much that stretched reality.

A couple of typos, but nothing to worry about. Looking forward to the next chapter.

I admit, I haven't read past the first page because of some narrative related problems. The way you tell the story...err... needs work. A couple of examples: when he describes himself, it immediately pulls the reader out of the story, because it's obvious that he's talking to us. That's not good writing. A better way to do that is through dialogue (let one of the hot girls tells us that. It's far more natural and credible).

This was a minor quibble. The bigger criticism is the part where you introduced us to Phoebe. Your protagonist declares her his little sister during a hiking trip, even though he hasn't seen her or had any kind of interaction with her since she was 11? Clearly, he wouldn't know that she was his sister. And yet he does. And it makes no sense (since obviously she didn't recognize him and it was sheer luck that they even met.).

This I'm afraid was hard to ignore, and it really killed any semblance of a story for me. While I appreciate it that you took the time to write this, you need to work on how to construct a story properly.

Another great start to a fantastic story. Thank you!

I'll consider this as my Christmas gift from you to all of your fans, I was happy when I found out you released it. I like that our hero isn't quite as invincible as some of your past characters, I love your crazy over the top stories they let me to daydream and they bring a big smile to my face when read them.

Who the hell are these a-holes to tell you they don’t like how you write? This is classic Stork and I can’t wait to see how this saga pans out. Thank you for this Christmas present. Happy holidays to you and yours.

I enjoyed the beginning of this tale so much. Thanks for the Xmas gift and tease...now please get busy and finish up a couple more chapters~

Thanks for another fun story. I always enjoy reading your stories, I never read expecting a story that mirrors life I expect an over the top story that's like most people fantasies. Keep up the fun fantasies.

Sorry I can only give you 5 stars. Waiting for next chapter. Thanks

great start i really hope that your continue with this story line.

If I could I will give you ten stars here, keep this one going just waiting to see if mother has as much fun .......

One of the best that I have read so far. PLEASE post more chapters ... FAST!

Great story! Great characters and plot! I enjoyed reading the first installment of this story. Please continue to make everyone happy. Thanks for your time and imagination.

Adding the overly submissive mom kinda killed it for me... I really hope he remembers his hate for her and refuses to see her.

I agree with OneSevenOne...add the mom, but have him remember the hate...have him refuse her no matter what she offers. Looking forward to him reconnecting with his sister and having more fun with her, Jenny and the other 18.

Man you write great stories.

It would be so easy to make the mom into the slut, But then she could or would think that her and dad were correct about you being a perv. Personally i would show her how Gramp's and Grandma raised you to respect women. Love your stories.

Its quite clear you don't understand what BDSM is, it is not "Suppose I was into BDSM. I could have gagged you, tied you up, beat you, whipped you, punched you, and then cut you many times, disfiguring your pretty face." It is about control and trust. Trusting your partner so much that they will push your limits but also knowing what they are, not just beating and cutting them, that's called abuse. The Sub has the real power in any proper BDSM relationship because they should if they so wish to stop anything that is happening to them at a single word, and any Dom worth their salt knows this. Its people like you that are completely ignorant of what really happens in BDSM that puts a bad light on something they have no clue about. If you are going to write about something at least read up of the subject is instead of sounding like an ignorant asshole.

It reads like you're Mr. Spock from Star Trek (no emotions, just logic), and you're just spitting out facts to the reader. I felt no emotional connection to the characters. Most of the scenes are overly-explained. People don't talk that way IRL. I also agree with the other critical comments. Kudos to you for taking the time and effort to write, edit, and post, and I'm glad that plenty of people are enjoying the story.

Another great stor. I hope there is more of it to come

This is an incredibly dry piece of work. Theres no emotional attachment. It feels as if youre telling me the story rather tham presenting. Sorry, i couldnt get passed the second page.

Ugh. Had to stop in mid page 3. Read and sounded worst than a "Dragnet" script. 2 stars for the effort

Enjoyable.

Speech needs work.

Story jumps at times.

wow, i loved this. i get on here sometimes for a quick read, and then get lost in an awesome story. this is one of them, thank you.

Loved it, looking forward to more.

Bowels of food. 😂😂😂

Sure, some people can suspend disbelief, but you explain things in a weird way. For instance, describing the fight with the football players seemed so mechanical. “I punched this. They hit this. Then my bodyguards show up. Oh, I need to mention they are Special Forces.” Make the background of your characters as you introduce them.

Also, as someone else mentioned, your character instantly recognized his sister and then vice-versa? Maybe if they talked a bit, she said her name and where she is from, then he could recognize her, but that sort of omniscience starts the story with a huge hurdle to overcome.

I like the premise and plot of your story, but it's stilted, stiff. It reminds me of the old 60's TV show Dragnet. The way you write dialogue is short, choppy, and jumps around. Do you talk that way? Most people don't. I'm sure you write with a mental image of the characters in your mind and hear them talk, and hear and see what they see.

Here's my suggestion: Write what you see your character's doing with more detail, and write what you hear the character say. It fleshes out their personality. Describe what you see in your mind, your character's expressions, their moods, their body movements, their surroundings and who they are with. Describe what they're doing. Give us details. Flesh out your characters, but not all at once.

Paint a verbal picture and let your reader's imagination do the rest. Saying she's 5' 4" 115 lbs with blond hair and blue eyes with 34C breasts is more suitable for a profile on a dating site and leaves nothing to the imagination. Instead, describe your characters in dialogue or from another character's point of view.

Last, please don't describe a woman's breasts by her bra size. Can you honestly look at a woman and know what size bra she's wearing? I can't, and for me, it doesn't really matter. Make a comparison instead: The way they moved, they were more than a hand full like a grapefruit, soft and round, yet firm, bouncing deliciously.

It's okay to emulate how other author's write, while developing your own style.

I liked the core of the story. There are endless possibilities this story can go.

Your writing style though. Methodical, mechanical, without any emotions or feelings involved.

Some choices of words, it sounded to me like Phoebe was demanding/telling him what to do. Instead of suggesting, proposing activities on their 1on1 day. "We are going to the Zoo today."

Why not suggestive?

"Could we go to the Zoo?/I'd like to go to the Zoo/ What do you think about going to the Zoo?

That's the last thing I remember us doing together"

That would sound so less harsh and demanding/commanding.

The commanding tone of her; "She looks deep into my eyes, searching, and says, "This is the last I speak of this next subject." It is kinda irritating. I feel like she has no place to speak in that commanding tone.

Also, a lot of times I didn't know if it was him thinking or saying something or one of the girls speaking.

It went fluently into each other.

Anyways interesting Story. I'll keep reading, I liked it enough.

Potentially a good story, and I could live with the stilted dialogue, but the 'Alpha Male' thing was shown to be rubbish decades ago, and it doesn't make for good story telling or likelable characters.

I like to read these stories in the context in which they are written - on Literotica. I have read a lot of your stories and really enjoy most of them. However, this one seemed a little more stiff than most. It didn't flow quite as easily along as the ones I have read previously.

I did find the "bowels of food" typo hilarious as the image it created was so out of wack for the content it was presented in.

Lastly, my only real gripe with any of your work is the "ropes of cum/come" narrative you overuse in all of your work. It has become redundant and boring, please find another way of describing the characters ejaculation.

Keep up the good work.

THANX. ON TO CHAPTER 2

Great idea. Poor execution.

The dialog is wooden, choppy, and robotic. There's no emotion there, you're just bashing the poor reader over the head with it. And there's no real conflict. It's like a child playing with all the cheat modes enabled.

who the fuck wrote "no emotion"? What?

Ignore that, wow!

This, this is full of emotion, I have been very impressed with other stories of yours but this, this is SUBLIME. You have captured and spelled out a truly memorable work, not just a story.

Some commenters and critics I really do not understand. But for me, I like to become involved in reading, so perhaps I can even see myself as one of the characters. I say this for I am a writer myself but do not have the courage to publish.

This, being only the first chapter is beyond brilliant, you have set the tone and although its now late and I need to retire. I shall look forward immensely to continue....

Thank you so much

All the girls are college aged but no adults were present? Last time I checked the vast majority of college students are adults. Seems like you're trying to up your alpha male status by thinking you're the only adult.

Don starts handing me bowels of hot food to put on the serving table.

Bowels of hot food cracked me up and yes I am a juvenile.

“...dialog is wooden, choppy, and robotic....” That dude needs to brush up on “Writing for Dummies”. Ones sense of humor is defined and graded in three common categories: dry wit, warped and dull. I found yours to be quick dry wit with a dash if sarcasm. Excellent read. You grabbed my attention and held to the last punctuation and wanting more.

I agree with a lot of the comments about the dialogue being wooden, some of it was like he was reading a list and then the next person was reading it back to him. Anyways as far as the story goes that was excellent and fun. I will say one thing though, the protagonist was a Mary-Sue, meaning for every problem he had an instant solution like he was perfect or something. I mean give me a break, he only get hurt when 8 football players take him on.... It would be nice if his character had some sort of flaws... Anyways I gave it a 4 because of his imagination, but it could have been a five if he could just learn to write dialogue and conflict better.

FANTASTIC story

Clearly, this is fantasy and has no connection to reality.

A virgin who gave a blowjob for 200 cocks. And she was first tried in a group fuck when there are 20 other hot horny and drunk girls. This is definitely fantasy.

I was good with this right up until Mom offered to be his no-holes-barred slut for a week. Seriously? She basically hates him for 9 years because he 'supposedly' raped his sister's friend, yet when she finds out conclusively otherwise, THAT'S what she thinks will make it better? I mean, wtf dude? Yes, I read the beginning, which told me to check my disbelief at the door, but still... C'mon, get real.

Absolutely one of the best reads in recent memory. And I have read quite a few lately!!

Your admonition about reality/leaving it behind...I DO not think many of your readers took it to ❤ heart...so many sad comments about a story of a GENUINELY NICE GUY, who helps out a group of young ladies, finds out his estranged sister is among them, and strikes up his familial relationship with her after 9 years...AND THE GIRLS ALL THINK HE SAVED THEIR LIVES!! Extraordinary tale, from the first word!

Mom...hhhmmm...seems she SERIOUSLY has a nut loose, AND harbors either a lot of guilt/remorse for how son was treated...OR she is totally submissive and we will see how Steve handles her! (All you detractors...just move on to another tale...you ruin a good read with all your "NEGATIVE VIBES"!!

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Absolutely ridiculous!!! This writer seems to have some serious parental issues! Sounds like he needs to grow a pair of balls and kick his parents in the teeth and go live his life!!

One of the more entertaining fantasies I've read regarding college girls pining to be fucked by the most able lover any of them are likely to have in their beds ever again. Rich and young, an amazing lover, a wizard in the wilderness, and oh so able to satisfy any and all women each and every time.

Well of course the reader has to suspend their reality gauge; believability is not the issue nor does it matter that NOTHING in this tale is logical. It is a farce--but a lovely one, gentle and sweet. What male would not dream of being this guy, if only for a moment?

And--except for that egregious misspelling of "bowls"--the quality of the writing is pretty good so far as grammar, syntax, plot development and character delineation. Well no, college girls don't require much character delineation unless you happen to actually get to know them and find out just how deep their views are about what matters in this world. Yeah, as Madonna once made her anthem--"Girls just want to have fun!" But they also want to make a difference, and save the world for EVERYONE. (Just ask Greta T.)

I read this about a year ago and liked it then; passing time has only firmed up my evaluation as to both its entertainment value and...the underlying sentiments inherent in its message(s).

Keep writing BMS. More please.

MLJ

First person narrative, in this case, causes everything the MC says to come across as an adolescent boast. It’s really annoying. Your exaggerations are a little over the top, making the barely plausible, ridiculous. The storyline is pretty weak, and sadly, the sex scenes may be the only thing holding this story together. The sex scenes aren’t very deep or descriptive, so they are pretty much a wash as well. Overall this story rates 2/5. I don’t hate it but am annoyed.

Not a bad start, obviously OTT but this Lit.

Nothing but slots, and I genuinely can't say I enjoyed. Great plot though. Besides the intimate moments with ole 200dicks and the gang, this was interesting.

Fun and whimsical - Doesn't even pretend give a nod towards anything remotely bordering reality - Now let's see what comes next . . . .