Fourth Down and Inches

"Really? She's seeing an NFL player? Who is he?"

"Trevon James."

"Can't say I've heard of him."

"He's a backup that plays special teams."

"And she was with him after you two got back together?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, fuck sorry to hear that. No chance you can get back together then?"

"Matt, she still works with the guy. She was meant to break it off on Thursday and ends up fucking him instead. How can I ever trust her to be around this guy and not be fucking him? If it was one of the girls I was with when Jess was in Phoenix, or when I was in Chicago, then maybe. As long as I was getting mine too, I probably would've been okay with it. But not Jessica. I can't do that with her, not ever."

"You still love her, don't you?"

"Yeah of course I do. But that's why I can't do this. I can't be with her, in love with her, and not trusting her the whole time. I can't do it."

"Yeah, I'd be the same way with Tasha, it would kill me."

We both sat there watching the kids play in the water, both were busy splashing their mom.

"When we get back to mom and dad's after lunch, what say you, me and dad sit out the back with a few beers and forget all about women for a little while?" Matt asked.

"Sounds good."

It was good talking to my older brother about it, somehow it made me feel at ease. Maybe it really was over for me and Jess. I never thought I could think that, but there it was.

Over the next few days I got a couple more texts from Jessica asking if we could talk, and a couple of phone calls that I let go through to message. I knew eventually I would have to talk with her, but I wasn't ready yet. I was still too angry to be able to have any sort of rational conversation with her.

The following Wednesday, as I walked up to my apartment door after work, I was surprised to see Jessica sitting there waiting for me.

"What are you doing here Jess?"

"I needed to talk with you and you wouldn't return my calls."

"I wonder why?"

I unlocked my door and went inside with Jess following me. I stood on one side of the kitchen bench, with Jess standing on the other. I looked at her but didn't say anything. Jess looked sad, almost timid. I was tired and not sure I could listen to her make excuses without yelling at her.

"I fucked up. I never should have met him at outside of work. I'm so sorry."

"Why does it matter where you were, you still fucked him?"

"It would have been easier to end it with him at work."

"Then what happens the next time he shows up at your apartment, will you fuck him then too because you can't help yourself?"

"No, I've already ended it with him, I did it on Friday. And that was at my place too."

"Before or after you fucked him again?"

"We didn't have sex on Friday. I broke it off with him, that's all we did."

"So why are you here Jessica? Were you hoping that now that you say that you've finally ended it with him, that we could get back together like it never happened?"

"I don't know, right now I'm just hoping you don't hate me."

I just shook my head, I might not hate her, but I was angry and heart broken.

"What does it matter whether I hate you or not Jess, we won't be seeing each other anymore so it shouldn't matter."

Jess looked up at me with tears welling up in her eyes.

"How can we ever be together Jess, you work with the guy and I can't ever trust that you could keep your legs closed if he wants to make a move on you. I can't do that with you."

"I'll stop working with the team, I'll never see him again."

"But Jess, I don't want to be looking over my shoulder wondering where you are every second of the day, wondering if he is with you. The problem is that you still wanted him, or you would have broke it off when you first decided to get back with me. But you couldn't do it, you kept fucking him after I got back, and you had to fuck him again even after we were together. How can I ever trust you again?"

"I promise I'll make it up to you, every day. You won't ever have to worry about that ever I swear."

"I can't take that risk, Jess. I just can't. I love you too much to live my life in constant fear that you can't keep that promise."

"No, I refuse to believe that Steve. You're the only man I've ever loved, the only one I will ever love. I'm so sorry that I found it hard to break it off with him when you got back, that it took me too long. But I never loved him, I have only ever loved you."

"You say that, but we got back together and you said you loved me. How can you then fuck someone else you tell me you never loved? Either you're lying to me about being in love with me, or you're lying about how much you love him. Which is it?"

"I'm not lying about being in love with you, you have to know that. And I've never been in love with him, at all."

"So why did you fuck him, after we were together?"

Jess closed her eyes, tears were running down her cheeks.

"I don't know, I'm so sorry."

"Not good enough. Why'd you do it? Tell me the truth or you can walk out that door forever."

"Steve."

"Answer me Jess, why?"

Jess replied in almost a whisper.

"Because I love fucking him. I've told you that before."

"Still doesn't explain why. Was it because you can't help yourself? Or is it because you'd rather fuck him than me?

"No. I love fucking you."

Jess then took a deep breath.

"Maybe I was weak, maybe I couldn't help myself with him. That only after you walked away from me was when I got the courage to end it with him. When I knew I could lose you."

"So how am I supposed to trust you if you are too weak to say no to him? What happens next time?"

"There will never be a next time. I found the courage from the feeling I have knowing I might lose you, I don't ever want to feel this way again."

I stood there silently for a minute, thinking through what I should do.

"I need time Jess, right now I'm still too heartbroken over what you did."

"Can I still see you, even if just as friends for now?"

"No, I can't do 'friends' with you anymore. I'm either with you or I'm not. Right now, I need some time to figure it out."

"Okay, I can do that. Can I at least keep in touch with you?"

"Sure, just texts though."

Jess nodded and wiped her tears from her face. She slowly made her way towards the front door.

"Jess."

"Yeah?"

"If I find out that your still seeing TJ or anyone else now, we really will be done for good. It's your choice. You either wait for me to figure it out, or you make the decision for me."

"Don't worry, I'll be waiting. Bye Steve."

The next few weeks I tried to not think about Jess, I didn't really have a plan for how I would figure out if I still wanted us to be together other than by trying to not think about it at all. Jess texted me about twice a week, asking how I was and reminding me that she was ready to talk whenever I was, and that she loved me. I did reply to her, but just stated I wasn't ready yet.

When I did finally think about Jess and my muddled thoughts about what had happened, I tried to do what I usually did at work when weighing up proposals, you do the PROS and CONS, and assign a weighting to them.

The obvious CON was that she slept with her, I'm not even sure what to call him, boyfriend, fuck buddy, whatever. She slept with him after we were back together again.

The PRO to this is that you could argue that if TJ was her boyfriend, then really it was me that was the 'other man' and not TJ at all. Also, that while she was supposed to end it with TJ on the Thursday, she did end it with him the very next day. So, could you call this a farewell fuck? And in that context was it really that bad considering they had been seeing each other for ten months?

The next CON was that she works with him, and that he will have every opportunity to talk her back into his bed again.

The PRO to that is if Jess agrees to not work with the Texans any longer, it could nullify this CON.

Then there is the CON of whether I can trust her, will I always be suspicious of where she is, who she is with?

The PRO to this is that Jess could have lied to me when I showed up at her apartment that Thursday night. She could have said that nothing happened, but she didn't. She was sitting out the front crying and admitted it to me straight away. That doesn't mean I can trust her, but that she was at least honest with me and understood before I even showed up that what she had done was wrong.

Then finally there is the PRO that I am still absolutely in love with her. The CON is that perhaps one day I could get over her and meet someone else that I could love, maybe not like I love Jess but close enough to be happy.

As far as weighting, well who the fuck knows, my head was hurting just thinking about all this. My anger was subsiding a bit though, so maybe thinking it through was helping, but I still felt like shit.

I kept myself busy with work, only enjoying the occasional beer with Darius and Jack as a distraction. And so it was this Friday in mid-November. We got to the bar and I went up and ordered a round. When I got back to the table only Darius was there.

"Where's Jack? I just bought him a beer?"

"He popped outside, his Ex just called him about the kids."

"Okay, well cheers to another week being over." As I raised my beer with his.

"Hey, did you hear about your boy, TJ?"

"He's definitely not 'my boy', but what is it?"

"He got traded to the Colts."

"Really? When was that?"

"It was in the sports pages today. Maybe now you can get your girl back."

I hadn't told Darius about what had happened, or that Jess had ended it with him three weeks ago now. Maybe Jess wouldn't have to stop working with the Texans after all.

"Have you seen TJ at The Sphere lately? With Jessica?"

"Nope, haven't seen either of them there for a number of weeks now I guess."

I just nodded as Jack made his way back to the table.

"Fucking women, they do my head in." Jack said in a frustrated tone.

"What have you done wrong this time?" Darius prodded.

"It's not that, I think Beth just asked me out, I think she wants to get back together with me."

"At least you might get to see your kids more." I responded.

"Hey, did you leave her, or did she leave you?" Darius asked.

"What does that matter right now?" I asked Darius.

"Well, if my ginger boy here fucked up, then that's a good thing. If she left him for another guy, well that might not mean much."

We both looked at Jack for his answer.

"Yeah, I fucked up okay. So, I guess it's good. It's just that she was busting my balls the last time we spoke, so I don't know why now she wanted to apologize for that, then wanted to make it up to me by us going for dinner."

"Do you want to get back with her? Do you still love her?" I asked.

"Yeah I do, to both questions. I just don't understand why she might have had a change of heart after twelve months of being a total bitch to me."

"Maybe she isn't angry with you anymore. Maybe she knows what a good dad you are to her kids. Or just maybe she misses that little ginger prick of yours." Darius offered with a big laugh at his own punchline.

"Yeah, maybe. I guess I'll find out tomorrow night."

"I hope it goes well for you Jack." I added.

"Yeah, me too." Jack responded.

I got home from the bar and had a shower. I sat down on the couch and thought about Jack and Beth, that maybe Jess and I could get past this if I was no longer angry with what happened.

I picked up my phone and looked at the text Jess had sent me earlier today. She was checking in on me, I had texted back a usual 'I'm doing okay' type of response.

I called her.

"Hi Steve."

"Hey Jess, how are you?"

"I'm good, I guess. How about you? It's good to hear your voice again."

"Yeah, it's good to hear yours too."

I was silent for a few seconds, I was trying to figure out why I wanted to call her. Did I just want to hear her voice, or was I ready to start talking with her again?

"Are you busy right now? You're not out with Diane and Sheree, are you?"

"No, I'm at home. I've not been going out much. Did you want to talk?"

"Yeah, I would like that. Can I come over?"

"Yes, of course. When?"

"I'm leaving now, I'll see you in ten minutes."

"Okay, bye."

I'm not sure what I'm doing, I just had a strong desire to go see her. As I pulled up out front of her apartment, I could see Jess sitting on the steps like the last time I was here. Hopefully this time things would go better.

As I walked up to her, she stood up to greet me.

"Hi Steve."

"Hey Jessica."

I followed her inside and we sat down on the couch. Jess was looking at me, not saying anything, waiting for me to start talking.

"Alright, I'm going to admit I didn't really have a plan to come over right now to see you. I don't have a speech or questions, or anything really thought out before I decided to come here. I'm not sure why I'm here to be honest with you."

"That's okay, I'm just happy you're here. We can just sit and watch TV if you want."

I nodded and Jess turned on the TV. We started watching something, I'm not sure what because I was too busy thinking about Jess, and what I wanted to say to her.

After about twenty minutes of watching the TV, I spoke.

"You know I've loved you from when we started high school, right?"

"Yeah, I know. Me too, I didn't even like boys before I met you."

"I remember the day a year or two later when I asked you to officially be my girlfriend, and you kissed me on the cheek and said yes. Then we held hands walking back from the park. I was so proud of myself right then, I was like Yeah! The prettiest girl in school is MY girlfriend."

Jess giggled at that recollection, shaking her head.

"Then by the time we were in our senior year, I so much wanted to have sex with you but I was holding off for Prom night, I wanted it to be special. Then your family ups and moves, and I never got the chance."

"I know, I regret that you weren't my first. My first was so forgettable Steve, I wish it never happened."

"Mine wasn't much better. I remember laying in bed with her afterwards and thinking to myself how much I wished that girl was you. And the other girls I slept with, I was always comparing them to you even though we still hadn't even had sex yet. In my fantasies, I had fucked you so many times already."

Jess reached out and took a hold of my hand.

"Then when I walked into the diner that day and you were sitting there, looking just as beautiful as I remembered you. Those three years just vanished, all I wanted was for us to be right where we were when you left."

"I remember I got butterflies in my stomach when I looked up and saw you at the door. I'd waited three years to see you again. I don't think I said much while we were there, I was so full of emotions it probably would have come out sounding weird. I just held your hand and kept staring at you like a crazy woman."

"Yeah, and later that night, I'll never forget it."

"Me too. Even when I'm an old woman I'll still remember that night."

I was silent for a few seconds while I looked back at the TV.

"I should have married you Jess, after you got back. It's my biggest regret so far, that I didn't marry you and we could've been together this entire time."

"I know, I feel the same. But, we're still young. We still have our entire lives ahead of us."

"Yeah, but we could have avoided all this shit if I had just manned up and asked you to marry me when I should have."

"Well, feel free to man up and ask me whenever you like. You know what my answer will be."

I looked into her eyes, then I leaned over and kissed Jessica on the lips. She kissed me back, putting her hand behind my head to pull me in. The kiss was long and sensuous, this wasn't like we were teenagers, but more like two people in love.

When I ended the kiss, I stood up and took Jess by the hand, then led her to the bedroom.

We took our clothes off then laid down on the bed and embraced each other again, kissing and gently rubbing our hands over each other's bodies. I was I no rush to begin fucking, I wanted this to be us re-connecting together again. We didn't talk, but I did look into her eyes for minutes as I kissed her and continued to fondle her body.

Eventually, Jess maneuvered herself to be laying on top of me, she slowly started to move down, kissing my chest, my stomach, then down to my cock. She looked back up into my eyes as she placed my hard seven-inch cock to her lips, then began to suck. I closed my eyes and put my head back. I've had plenty of great blowjobs from Jessica, but this one felt special.

She played gently with my balls as she tried to take as much of my cock into her mouth as she could. After several minutes, it was driving me crazy and I knew I would have to get her to stop soon or it might be too late.

I pulled her up and rolled her over, then slowly moved down her body to provide her with the same experience Jess had given me. I took my time, enjoying her taste, enjoying hearing her slowly build to an orgasm.

After Jess had climaxed, I moved back up her body and pushed my cock inside of her. Our mouths again met as we kissed deeply while I began to slowly stroke back and forwards. She wrapped her arms and legs around me as I continued to slowly fuck her, we were entwined together and I was enjoying this moment, hoping that Jess was enjoying it just as much.

After a few minutes we broke the kiss, we were looking into each other's eyes as I continued to slowly fuck her. Jess raised her hand to the side of my face, rubbing it as I could see tears beginning to well up in her eyes.

I spoke softly to her.

"Am I doing that bad that you want to cry?"

Jess smiled and giggled a little.

"No, I love you so much Steve. I'm so happy right now."

"I don't want you happy, I want you screaming with orgasms."

"Well, you might want to try fucking me harder then. But first, can we stay like this a bit longer?"

"Yeah, I'm enjoying this."

Jess then pulled my head towards her to kiss me deeply again. I was enjoying making love to her, I want to do this for the rest of my life.

Thirty minutes later, and after I was able to get Jess to cum twice more during our frantic finale, we lay there catching our breath from the physical exertions, still with our arms wrapped around each other.

"I want to ask you something Jess, you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"I'll answer anything you want. Fire away."

"Well, you're probably going to think it's a bit strange, the questions I have."

"Just ask already."

"Alright, you said you loved fucking TJ, why? What was it about him that you couldn't resist?"

"Wow, okay. That wasn't the sort of question I was expecting to hear right now."

"I said it was strange, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Can I ask you why? Why do you want to know?"

"I guess I want to know why you found it hard to let him go. If it was just sex between you guys, it must have been pretty good sex."

"Does that bother you if it was good sex? Wouldn't it be better perhaps if we just don't talk about it?"

"Maybe, but If I don't know, I'll probably just assume a lot of things. That he was a lot better at fucking you than me. That he has a way bigger cock than me that gave you more pleasure. That you probably came a lot more when you fucked him."

"Okay, that was a lot. Are you sure you want the answers to those questions?"

I looked over at Jess and nodded. I guess I wanted to know why she felt too weak to stop his advances, did she enjoy sex with him way more than she did with me?

"What was the first one, was he better at fucking me than you? Well, not really, it was just different. We made love tonight and I really loved that, I never fucked him like that ever. With him it was always energetic, it was twenty minutes of hard fucking. Then he would wait ten minutes and we would go again."