tagHumor & SatireFreddie Retires From Sex Ch. 01

Freddie Retires From Sex Ch. 01


For the first time in my life, I'm retired from sex and women. I'm done with sex. I've had it. It's over. I'm finished with women. That's not to say that I turned gay 'cause I haven't. I'm not even bi-sexual. Men as lovers don't interest me. Unless I'm watching a sporting event or having a beer with the guys, I don't even think of men and especially not in the way that I think about women. I'm as straight as a fence post. I'm just done with women and with sex. I'm still the same man that I was before, a man's man, a macho man, a manly man, and a modest man.

"Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men..."

Only, from now on, I'm living my life without women. Think of me not so much as a misogynist but as you would an asexual or a eunuch. My life is the same only better...without sex and without women.

After finally severing the cord from women, I feel relieved and uplifted. I can breathe without hearing her incessant voice in my head. Finally, I feel in control of my own destiny without the continual static of nagging.

"Do this, do that, don't forget this, and don't forget that."

No longer must I consider her feelings before doing something for myself. Arguing over everything is over because...I don't have to argue about anything anymore. Now, it's just me and the dog.

"Good dog. Good boy, buddy."

Finally, I'm free to buy my truck, a big screen TV, and season's tickets to the game next season. I can drink until I collapse and not clean up my mess. Hell, I can just hire a woman to do that.

There are enough fast food restaurants and supermarket freezers filled with TV dinners, that I'll never go hungry. Never will I eat broccoli, cauliflower, squash, turnip or suck on soy again.


Steaks and potatoes are my mainstay from now on, since I no longer have a vegan woman planning my vegan menu.

"Yeah boy! Let's barbeque some meat!"

Moreover, I feel at peace not being weighed down with lascivious thoughts and deterred by womanly distractions. No more games. No more wasting time with dating, dating services, and blind dates. No longer do I have to beg for sex. I don't have to strategize for sex. I don't have to pay for sex. I don't have to be nice. I'm done with sex and with women. For the first time, I'm retired from sex. For the first time, I'm going to do without sex and without women in my life.

"Ah, life is good. Do you hear that? Yeah, that's the sound of my testosterone sleeping soundly."

No longer do I have lustful desires for female strangers. Instead, I have good will to all women naked and dressed. No longer must I wear mirrored shoes. Suddenly, I have money in my pocket and I can buy whatever I want with it without having to check with my surrogate mothers, my wife, my girlfriend, and my mistress.

I realize that it's only been a few minutes since I retired from sex and from women, but it feels good to finally remove and discard the emergency, just in case condom that I've saved in my wallet for the past two decades. I put my Playboy collection on E-Bay to sell to the highest bidder, along with my collection of porn movies, and Barry White records. I even inflated Helga, my dirty and nasty blowup doll, for the last time and sailed her away off Long wharf and out to Boston Harbor. Maybe, some lonely and deserving sailor or Gloucester fisherman will find her floating out to sea and make good use of her as I have all these years.

"Good-bye, Helga, you sexy, inflatable rubber siren, you. I'm going to miss you, especially on Monday nights, between the football and baseball season, when there is nothing on television. Stay out of the hot sun. Keep an eye out for sharks and you should survive okay."

I feel like a new man. For the first time in my life, my mind is clear of all sexual images, erotic feelings, and lascivious thoughts, which in my case means that my mind is blank. I'm a blank slate, devoid of impure thoughts, and finally free to live my life without French perfume, the click, click, click of high heels, and the sugary sounds of a feminine voice whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

"Freddie! Take out the garbage!" Gees, a foghorn is less intrusive than hearing that nagging voice.

Born again, I'm a virginal (kind of, almost, not really, not at all, okay, you win, in mind and in spirit only) Christian.

This is a first for me. This is a brand, spanking new feeling not to be thinking about sex, sex, and more sex twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week, especially Friday and Saturday nights, just before the CFNM shows close and the drunk and horny women are congregating outside like flies on a picnic table. Swooping one of them up to bring home for the cold, lonely, horny night is like picking out a toy at the toy store or candy at the candy store.

Just as I'm done with sex, I'm done with women. I'm done, I tell you; I'm done.

"Hmm, in hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have been so rash. Maybe, I should have kept Helga."

Nonetheless, do you hear me? I'm done. No more sex and no more women for me.

From now on, abstinence is what I'm all about. Abstinence is my essence from now on. Ah, breathe deep and abstain. Forget about safe sex. My motto now is no sex. My Priest will be having more sex than me. Okay, maybe using a Catholic Priest is not a good analogy to use as someone who does not have sex. From now on, when you hear the word abstinence, you will think of me, Freddie. When you think of Freddie, you will think, he's done with sex.

There are those of you who may want my leftovers. Yes, in the past, a few minutes ago, before I stopped having sex and avoided women at all cost, my cup hath runneth over with bra cups. Take them. Take them all. They are yours for the taking. I'm done with wives, girlfriends, mistresses, that girl in the bar, that woman from last night, and the twins, oh, my God, the twins. I've already burned my black book. Okay, it's not really burned, singed a little, well, maybe not singed, smoky, yeah, definitely smoky, but I plan on torching the thing as soon as I finish writing this story.

"Give me strength God."

Ah...there, that's better. I'm done, d-o-n-e. I'm done with women. I'm done with sex. For the first time, I'm free.

To be continued...

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