All Comments on 'Free Ch. 01'

Maybe a bit more editing. Easy to see that Jivemore is up to his old cuck tricks.

Manny knocks her up and then off and Derrick gets his child after the double funeral... you get a 5 any RAAC gets a zero... the cheaging wife and Manny get no sympathy or mercy.

Hoovering? He held her vacuuming above the ground? The word you wanted was HOVERING. That's as far as I got, no score.

Looking forward to the rest.

1st paragraph " he breathed through my nose" ....really? some feat that would be.

Also he held her "hoovering" over the ground. lol. vacuuming from a height.

Good story so far but the errors take you out of it.

Keep it up i look forward to the conclusion

yes another chapter

What a setup. And a great cast of characters in Rick, Traci, Manny, Giuliani, Martha, and Anya - each pivotal in the story - well rendered with just a few deft strokes of the pen. So many knots and snarls to disentangle, so many possible denouements. I can’t wait for the rest of the story.

It's good to see something a bit different in LW than the prim and proper Hubby that we get in this section

Hope you won't keep us waiting too long for the next chapter

5 stars

"Something just happened, but Rick didn't know what." - Come on! I know this is LW, and we have an advantage over Rick, but that is SO obvious!

"You've got to be kidding me!" - I'm with Martha on this one! You could MAYBE excuse her seeking some "comfort" in another man's arms while her husband's in prison, but he's out now, her other man/men HAVE to be history.

"She was going to fuck somebody, so it might as well be you?" - How about keeping her from fucking ANYBODY, including you? This is your "bruh," the guy that served extra time rather than rat you out. You should have been looking out for him, as he said.

If they broke it off six months ago, what was that text about?

I'd definitely rat Manny out.

I'll withhold scoring until the end.

If he was pardoned how could his parole officer hold over him going back?

lots of your stories. I was surprised to reed you beginning when you wrote, 'I know I am notorious for leaving readers hanging between chapters. That and my dismal editing skills are my weakness, and I apologize for both'.

Then the first paragraph you wrote, 'Rick lifted his head looked up at the sun, as if it were the first time he'd ever seen it. A cool breeze wisped around him, gently touching his face. Closing (his) eyes,(he) took in the fresh air through (my) nose'. OK you win you do need to practice your editing skills.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

Great first chapter. Looking forward to the next one!

that is a good start.

He has good reason to testify about Manny

After reading, “He took in the fresh air through my nose.”

Looking forward to more chapters. Hopefully they come soon.

im sick of authors waiting days/week/months to post the next chapter

Grandma knew, whore wife knew, the only lose for a while is the daughter. Manny would be a non entity. His day would come later, when I had an airtight alibi.

It's always great to have a new story from Javmor. This one is already powerful and gripping--we've got several characters to track, and all sorts of ways that this painful, anguishing situation could play out.

Some commenters are amusing themselves with the (admittedly funny) editing miscues, like "hoovering" and him "breathing through my nose"; but what matters much more to most of us readers is what an incredibly intense, painful situation the author creates, and how involved we get in his story. On that ground javmor gets an A+.

Thanks, ohio

This is a great first installment Javmor!

Great characters, good suspense, super story all around great read!

Thanks for sharing! Very much looking forward to the rest!

Small editing error, overall great job.

Poor "Anonymous" isn't paying you, he/she/it has no right to complain.

Keep it up, this story is a potential powder keg!

We're supposed to empathize with this piece of shit just because he got out of prison, and his wife was cheating on him? We're supposed to think he's the victim, and somehow Traci is worse than him because she fucked around on him?

Rick sold drugs. He killed people "when it was necessary." Of course, it was necessary because he was doing illegal shit and the people he killed were in his way. He helped terrorize a community as the right hand man to the head of a brutal gang. Fuck him. Are we supposed to lower our standards that he is a good man because he has a smidgeon more conscience than Manny? Morality, even when judged on a bell curve, would put Rick as a major outlier. Comparatively, Traci's cheating will barely be right of center on that bell curve.

I would hope that Martha grabs Traci and Anya and gets them the hell away from both of these pieces of shit. If Traci is too delusional and stupid to realize the pieces of shit those two are (and so far that seems to be the case), then hopefully Martha can get Anya away from all three.

And Rick hasn't served his time, and now we're supposed to give him a second chance. He served time for some drug dealing. He didn't serve time for multiple murders (the story alludes to), for brutally beating people up, for the many instances he sold drugs he wasn't caught for. Let's not confuse Rick as a good guy, because he is made the MC of a story. He deserves much worse than Traci cheating on him.

And, Javmor79, I've left many complimentary comments on your stories, especially The Weekend. Unlike some other comments on here my worry isn't that these two will reconcile. My worry is that you'll succeed further in making this piece of shit appear to be the victim. An author, especially a good one, can always lead the reader wherever he wants. And yes, this story needs better editing.

A good ending to this story would be Rick learning how to make a suicide vest and he kills himself, Manny, and the rest of the gang in one big blast. But if this story is made realistic little Anya will be a major victim.

My guess is you're going to kill Rick off in the end with him doing something to redeem himself in trying to protect Anya. That I can live with. Rick walking into the sunset holding Anya's hand will be a slap in the face of all of his victims.

Not sure that I buy the husband not sensing his wife was unfaithful. He would have picked up on during her visits or lack there of. How could he not have noticed a a change in her behavior. How can he even be sure that is his daughter

So I shan’t.

My comment is that this story is cut too thin.

Not terribly so. I’ve done worse. And the break came at what seems like a natural place. However I was just revved up and then...

Ahem.

bawling his eyes out: crying copiously

balling his eyes out: someone getting skull fucked in both eyeholes.

Think you will forget that?

First rate start with interesting characters and teases of intriguing back stories.

Look foward to more.

Thanks for writing.

i am sure you will tell how rick gets his revenge on manny and traci as well as her mother and still gets to keep his daughter

That was both original and very good. Thank you.

The protagonist of this piece, a low life drug dealing ex-con, is surprised that his “friend” is screwing his wife? Immoral actions are the stock in trade of criminals. If you lie down with dogs, expect to get fleas.

... the number of readers, some authors, who forget that the purpose of art is to evoke an emotional response. It is not to live up to any given readers view of what is just, right, or even 'OKAY'.

In ANY setting, there can be characters whose behaviour is 'off the chain' from anything that you've experienced, approve of, or are able to wrap your head around. YES, even in a setting such as this, with characters such as these, there is behaviour that is acceptable, and that which is not. Rick took a 6 year bit in order to 'do the right thing' by their code. The man he held loyal to fucked his wife in return... bad form! I can sympathize.... everything is relative, and this reality is not really any different than one in which the ensemble is wealthy beyond my ability to fathom. Yes, I can sympathize with the Croesus rich protagonist, though I cannot understand, at all, the milieu in which HE lives...

IF YOU are that exercised about these guys being criminals and drug dealers, the author has done a large part of his job.... if you truly understand art, you'd be saying, "damn, man, that dude was hard used by his homeboy.... revenge is necessary!"

Looks alot like a rewrite of Deployment.......

Who said you were “supposed” to do anything you pompous ass?

5* and I see the balling vs bawling was covered by FD45 with an unforgettable vision!

The purpose of writing fiction isn't to create characters you admire, hate, identify with, etc. The purpose is to entertain and mentally engage the reader through drama, humor, action/adventure, fantasy, etc. If you have to have "likable" characters for you to appreciate fiction, then you are a dumbfuck who probably watches daytime television.

So many points of intersection and contradiction. Congratulations!

How about morality versus legality. Rick paid the price for his conviction. But I sense some readers think he has no right to a loyal wife because he has committed other crimes for which he was never caught and convicted. That's a bizarre sense of righteousness. I guess all of us who have repeatedly broken the speed limit without getting caught somehow don't deserve to be treated fairly and honestly? Morally I guess Rick deserves nothing but punishment and pain. But so does his wife, Manny, and everybody else in this story who has done anything wrong. So how can we judge the virtue and legitimacy of any story unless all the characters are completely and absolutely virtuous, or sinful and suffering? Maybe that works for a book club of Puritans, but real life and real lives are more complicated and segmented.

Legally Rick owes no one anything. If you can't enjoy this story because Rick is not otherwise a honest moral person, then why are you reading stories on Literotica? I suspect most of the husbands and wives in these stories who have been cheated on are people who have sins for which they have not yet paid the price. Its like when a corrupt legal system convicts a person for a crime they know the person did not commit, under the theory that they probably got away with other unknown crimes, so its OK to falsely charge and convict them. So what kind of perverted sense of morality is that?

Anyway, thanks for the thoughtful and compelling story. And Oh, by the way, the wife should have divorced this thug as soon as he was legitimately convicted of his crimes. What kind of mother would hang around with a young daughter waiting for this asshole to finish his time, not knowing how long it would be before he gets sent back to prison? The only victims in this story are Anya, and maybe her grandmother.

Thanks again for your time and talent. And thanks for allowing anonymous comments. Imhapless should be imgutless.

First, I'm not one of those readers who get hung up on minor editing issues. If they want perfect writing, they should go buy a book. And those editing miscues are not all that bad here. In fact, I give you 5 stars for your writing, creativity, and deep character development. You deliver a good STORY as always.

Having said that I'm having a really tough time sympathizing with Rick. He's a thug, plain and simple.

The other thing that concerns me is your promise to deliver the rest of the story. The memory of The Weekend and waiting for closure on that one still grates on me.

But I bow to a good writer. 5 stars and a Bravo!

Javmor79 is back. It's been a while and you're back with another story that I'll probably dislike but won't be able to stop reading. You'll get my*5 everytime. All the way back to Deployed, you've written characters that I have hated. Now comes Traci and Manny, the cheating wife and the bastard. Mom in law may be the best character here. Like Johnadp says, Rick isn't an angel, but he's the good guy in this story. I can't wait to see how you work this one out, but hope it involves Rick, Anya, and Martha heading into Witness Protection , leaving Manny dead and Traci alone and beaten. Most likely, Traci won't survive. But however it goes, it will be interesting getting there.

Holding hope for justice

Yes, truly, Ohio is a state. But author, Ohio, who is one of the great writers in LW, has made a statement about the quality of this story, and I agree with it completely.

Sure, Javmor79 is writing about characters whom I would want to avoid for any number of reasons, but the emotions, the entanglements, the possibility or potential for either future tragedy or lets say redemption are there waiting for the author's imagination and pen. I'm optimistic about "Free."

Basically it is the hard fact that there is a 50% chance of returning to jail without the

complications in his situation. Craig, his room mate was a hell of a mentor and friend. He ought to go back and chat with him. The solution his parole officer would offer is kind of obvious.

Love the characters and the plot, so far. This could be a very good story. Th every first thing that stood out to me was the "balling" "instead of bawling" which others have most probably mentioned. Easily overlooked, no harm no foul. What stuck in my craw was if the Governor pardoned him as the officer said, how could he possibly have a parole officer? Maybe you uploaded a draft instead of the finished product? Anyway, I've really liked your stories before and am certain I'll like this one as it goes forward.

This is just starting to get interesting!....5 Stars ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ WOOF!

Well, you do paint a vivid tale, looking forward to more chapters. He's restrained in his natural response by so many factors. It'll be interesting to see how this unfolds.

It seems that most of the anonymous poster just read the stories, for the purpose to grade the story. like it an exam. Then they give the author a failing grade, PATHETIC. My advice( GET A LIFE) the rest of us that can figure out what the author is saying don't need your input.

A powerful start. The characters were magnificently developed. Keep this up and it’s going to be a great story

Good writing. Looking forward to the next episode.

Javmor writes a story where every character is low-life trash. I wonder about your life, dude. Is everyone you know a douchebag? Your characters certainly are. Maybe it's you? Your writing is extremely pretentious, and so full of mistakes as to be laughable. The intro was a comedy skit. I'll be generous and give it a three. Certainly not worth reading another chapter from a third-rate writer.

No doom or gloom, but the end is coming, and Anya is his crutch. No way is there going to be good times with Manny. And wifey is going to be caught trying to please two men, which can't work. So is it the death of a marriage or death of a friendship? I pick death of a marriage, after the death of a friend.

5*

Great story as usual.

Manny would be dead and Traci would be history.

Rick takes the heat for him, not giving Manny up and he starts fucking his wife and involving himself with his daughter?

He is so arrogant as to think himself above retribution because he has street cred?

Pride does come before a fall......

5* you wonderful bastard! I love your writing!

Something new to sink my teeth into. I'd been rereading the Hall Of Fame stories because.., yeah. But now this. Really looking forward to seeing chapter 2.

Javmor is a rare beastie in the LW story category, in that he writes stories about characters in a way that requires the reader to try to understand why a person might be doing the things he has them doing. It's an expectation beyond the ability of many of the Anonymice.

So, as per 'I Just Don't Get It' comment, they "give the author a failing grade". They read the story to grade it, not to enjoy it. Fascinating.

Lue

Ps: Javmor, I enjoyed your story, as usual, despite the little errors others have commented on. 'Hoovering' above was hilarious, and probably more so for a British person who always hoovers their floor regardless of the brand name on their vacuum cleaner.

What set me off was not the story itself, but couple of the comments. Couple of the comments were telling Javmor that "RICK better not reconcile with TRACI." And I'm thinking HE should not reconcile with HER? She is the one that needs to grab her daughter run away from both of these losers (Rick and Manny). But she is obviously too much of a ditz to do that, so the mother-in-law needs to do it.

Does Rick have a score to settle with Manny, big time. But outside of that he has no moral ground to stand on.

I am a huge Javmor79 fan. You can go back and read my comment to his story at the end of "The Weekend." It's almost embarrassing in how complimentary I was to his writing and storytelling ability. This story, has so far been a great set up.

My apology is to Javmor79 in that I should have been more clear about who my displeasure was directed towards. I wasn't trying to throw shade on your story. But, to those that feel that Rick has the higher moral ground compared to Traci, you need to go and get a new moral compass. The one you have is pointing South.

Only gripe is jumping from mind of one character straight into the mind of another.

Welcome back Javmor. You got well deserved praise from the master ohio. Fuck the idiots who say they stopped reading at a spelling error. You created an interesting story that involves human nature and rehabilitation. As in the Godfather, gangs have rules that the members observe. Manny fucking his wife was breaking the rules big time. The wife should have told him she wouldn't wait for him, she knew she was married to a killer who valued fidelity. Manny knew that fucking her would bite him in the ass. The obvious solution is to rat on Manny.

Your main character wasn't pardoned if he is on parole. His sentence was reduced by the governor's commutation. I look forward to the route he takes. He has already shown than he has matured by not fighting Manny or his wife. His priorities are on the right track. I liked the development of all of your characters including his PO who I suspect will be an important person in the story. Please don't keep us waiting.

Thanks for your work,

reasonable man

Rick and Johnadp have a conversation:

Rick: My car got stolen last night.

Johnadp: Boohoohoo, I don't care!!! You're a piece of shit murderer, drug dealer, all around bad guy, and enabler of major criminals.

Rick: My house was burnt down.

Johnadp: Boohoohoo, I don't care!!! You're a piece of shit murderer, drug dealer, all around bad guy, and enabler of major criminals.

Rick: While I was in prison, for you know, being a piece of shit, my wife cheated on me, took my daughter, and ran off with her lover.

Johnadp: GOOD FOR HER... oh, yeah, I don't care!!! You're a piece of shit murderer, drug dealer, all around bad guy, and enabler of major criminals.

Now, am I looking forward to the rest of the story? Absolutely! Javmor79 is one of my favorite authors on this site, and he writes great stories. Plus, from past experience I doubt he is going to make Rick the hero, except maybe in killing off the other piece of shit Manny. Javmor, has already let us know that he doesn't think the mother-in-law is out of line, and that she has every reason to dislike Rick and give him the evil eye. In his prior stories, I've never had any reason to doubt that Javmor79's moral compass points in the right direction.

Ex con, gang banger, drug dealer, cheating wife. So is rick going to find religion.go straught and give up manny to the feds. Lol with this story . No redeeming characters.

You have nothing to apologize for. Criticize my characters! Criticize my writing! Please!

Good people do bad things. Bad people do good things. Who is who?

In my opinion, writers often expose pieces of themselves in their stories. Maybe it's their outlook on life, or how they wish the world were. Maybe they reflect how they see people. Whatever it is, we (writers, storytellers, whatever) are sharing a part of ourselves with the audience.

There is one commenter who wondered why all my characters are assholes. Is that all I know? Am i the asshole?

Yes, I know a lot of assholes. Yes, some people think I'm the asshole. However, each "asshole" has someone who doesn't think they're an asshole. I also know "stand-up" guys who do asshole things. You read about these people in the news, see them on the streets, watch them on TV, laugh at their comedy specials, etc. Many of you reading are the assholes in someone's life.

Louis CK: Stand up guy, or asshole?

Dave Chappelle: stand up guy or asshole?

Sarah Silverman, Amy Shuler, Daniel Tosh, Kevin Hart...

The list goes on and on. Love Dave Chappelle, like Louis CK. There are many who would disagree with me. Who's right? Who's wrong?

Maybe we all are.

Thank you Johnap.

And thank you to all who are reading. Even to the many pointing out my editing faux pas, the fact that you are reading my story makes me feel blessed. Like it, love it, hate it...I thank you all the same.

Before we get to the RAAC? My guess is three.1*

I just started Ch 2, and another thought just occurred to me. Manny was saying how Traci couldn't/wouldn't stay faithful for six years, conveniently forgetting that it was only Rick's loyalty to Manny that kept it from only being 18 months. He owed Rick BIG time to keep Traci faithful, NOT to take advantage of Rick's absence!

Excellent setup in this chapter

Wow! What a start! It will be hard to keep up this intensity.

as long as it's over when i get out. nobody but an in-cel is going to wait 6 years for his wife to get released. he should shake manny's hand for doing him a solid.

. . . I’ve got to comment on Johnadp’s comment. Yes, the main character is a scumbag, but we have so many main characters in LW who are candidates for sainthood that this is a refreshing change. We have so many main characters who are very successful businessmen or engineers or computer geniuses or ex Navy SEALs, that we need a few who are down on their luck in things other than getting screwed around on.

Good start of an interesting story. Hope the next chapter(s) are as well done.

T.T.

bad start, 1st paragraph, 3rd line.

the first dozen or so lines! Your grammar is terrible and keeping up with the tenses well....why put myself through that just to be aggravated trying to read this. So I'm not. Just letting you know .....for all the good it will do!

Not only have I watched the movies several times and am a huge fan, but I've also read the book the first two movies were based on. I even thought about the Godfather when making my comment.

Here is the thing though. When you're a kid and your moral compass is not yet formed, these Mafia bad guys look cool. They can do whatever they want. Someone pisses them off, just kill them. And they have this "moral code" as well. However, when you're an adult who has actually thought about morality then you see them for what they are, simply pieces of shit.

We as a society, and our legal system, do not judge people on each individual's moral code. There is a certain societal norm. We don't accept a pedophile telling us, well I'm attracted to kids, but I make sure I'm nice to them. We don't accept a psychopath killer (which a lot of those Mafia guys are btw) who says well I have a compulsion to kill, but my code is I limit my killing to people I think are bad guys.

When I was a kid Hotel California was one of my favorite songs (no I'm not that old... it was out a long time before I heard it). When I used to listen to it as a kid I thought it was glorifying pursuit of wealth and the wealthy lifestyle. As an adult I realize the song actually is a bit of a warning about making sure you keep your head on straight if you achieve sudden fame and fortune (like the Eagles had). So my point being let's be careful in seeing Rick not squealing on Manny as some moral virtue. He knows Manny is a psychopath killer, not to mention someone who brings lots of evil into the community through selling drugs, and he had a chance to put a stop to someone like that and he didn't. That to me is not a moral code or virtue. I have no respect for that code.

@Javmor79 & RichardReed, I've commented many times that I find the white hat MC, and the evil wife stories both unrealistic and uninteresting. However, there is a bit of difference between a conflicted character, and a murderer, drug dealer, and a gangster rolled into one. Do they make great story characters, absolutely. Am I going to feel bad for him that his wife cheated on him, or that he has the higher moral ground. Fuck no! It's like being willing to eat a bowl of shit, but you find a hair in it and get disgusted. Manny and to a lesser extent (but not that much lesser) Rick are the bowls of shit, and Traci fucking around on Rick is the hair. Yes, I've been involving scat in my thinking quite a bit lately.

And Javmor79, I'm a big Louis CK, and Chapelle fan. Not so much Silverman. And I don't think any of the people that know me well would say I'm a straight laced guy either. I definitely have my edge to me. However, I don't see someone that has done the same things as Rick has done in the same category as someone edgy. But, again, these guys make interesting characters for stories. We often discover more about ourselves, and understanding the human condition, by studying the extremes.

There have bern very few LW stories lately worth even reading to the end, let alone commenting on. Whilst not fantastic in the writing the story was good, at a good pace and realistic enough for novices to follow.

You and I don't often agree, but you're spot on here!

How many times do we read comments critical of the "saintly" husband, now that we get one who is flawed, people bitch that he's not perfect!

Yes, he's flawed, but she knew all about his flaws, and was quite happy to reap the benefits of his criminal acts.

Despite the authors assurances the story is unfinished after three weeks. I wouldn’t bother going forward until chapter 4 is finished.

Information is as valuable as currency in jail. You pick up a lot of valuable information in prison. But you don't make friends in jail. You learn to be quiet. Don't trust others. And above all else, be paranoid. The only person you can count on is yourself. And jails change people. The person you were before going to jail disappeared. No one comes out the same as he once was. Most come out as a completely different person.

Can’t wait to see how this conflict develops and resolves

Ends as a RAAC

Well written! I'm glad I only came across your story now! So I can read all chapters at once! Thank you!

Interesting, wondering how it will end.

Very strong start. Wondering if Rick rethinks Witness Protection. Take the kid and grandma, leave the wife to fend for herself.

BULLSHIT

How could he be in prison for 4 years and never met his daughter????

BULLSHIT

Dealing with the conflicts.

Slut wife who 'had' to get money anyway possible... obviously positioned as the BAD guy/gal in this piece. Just as Manny is, but we know he is a drug dealer, so he is always going to be the bad guy, nothing else is expected of him.

For the wife, more is expected.

For the mother-in-law, wtf? She is just pissed at everyone. Does she blame her daughter for this mess?

Still do not understand how it is that Rick is seeing his daughter for the first time as he leaves prison. Makes NO SENSE!!!

Looking forward to how he can find a way to live with the hand that he has been dealt. And, personally, how much crap Rick has to take to keep his daughter safe.

first chapter.

Criticism of a failed proofread is valid.

Looking forward to next chapter.

and then you got or its got you facing the devils between the DEEP DARK SEA, TK U MLJ LV NV

We'll see...

On one side of their mouths, they'll protest with picket signs while chanting, "Stop the violence", but right after that they'll be reciting rap lyrics that glorify murder, drug use, and rape. Then they'll treat the cops like they're the bad guys.

fuck off dude.

I loved the paragraph about the people just accepting and glorifying criminal culture. Probably the most clearly stated summary of the situation that I have ever read. Never made sense how they blame the cops when their acceptance of the drug and criminal culture is the problem. Not logical. "We want peace" "Let's fuck the cops, and worship the drug dealers killing our family members." One by its very nature, leads to the destruction of the foundations of society, the other is implemented by that very society for the protection of it's members. The two don't add up to me but what do I know.

Wow, you got my attention to your story and characters. *****.

glad there is a part 2 because now I want to see what happens

Just wow. I’d buy your books, if they were like this one. You really have talent. I can picture these characters like I was there. 5-😊😊😊😊😊

2nd reading and still a 5*. Great work.

Oh I liked this, glad to see that you have a secondary here, loved how you set this up

"...he took in the fresh air through my nose."

.

Tried to imagine this and couldn't.

Good start 4*

Why in the world would she be dressed like that if she didn’t intend to seduce Manny?

Yep, a 5 all right. I look forward to the second part. I hope I'm not disappointed.

The BEAR