All Comments on 'Freelancers 01: Torianne's Awakening'

Hi, I started reading the story this morning wasn't put off by the author explaining that there may not be much erotica in the story. I am sufficiently keen on sci-fi that I am still interested. I was disappointed that there were spelling mistakes within the first few paragraphs. The descriptions used were a bit crude. Describing one of the night clubs security as "The one who looked like he had never smiled." Uh? Are you describing a professional protection specialist, 1.9metres tall, with a hard face and short stubble hair, large cauliflower ears. Thats a description. How do you visualise the guard who looks like they've never smiled. It would have been bad if all the security team were stood with stupid happy grins.

I had to stop reading just after the night club owner was caught and tied up. Reading the story the narrative should flow, leading the reader effortlessly, leaving the reader eager to see how the story progresses. There are too many plot holes In the first page. At the start after the crate was unloaded it was inspected. Were they looking at security seals on the outside, did they check the contents? Did the superduper hand held scanner thingy beep correctly. If you mention a cargo box is going to be inspected then you could describe how it was inspected or even just mention the positive outcome of the inspection. The reader is left wondering how the cargo was inspected even though it had the incorrect contents.

Lots of potential just not a comfortable read.

Did you read the story aloud to yourself? Did you let someone else read it before you published. It's potentially a good story but needs refining.

Towards the end.. Creating an IED from barrels of flammable chemicals, to use in the vacuum of space. How's that work. Is so vague you might as well said the barrel contains a explosive big bangy thing. It was great that the barrels only sent shrapnel toward the enemy. Must have had the face toward enemy label pointed the right way.

@sirwoodcutter

About those spelling mistakes, maybe you have never heard of the United Kingdom, also referred to as England? There's a language they speak there known as UK English (or The Queen/King's English) and the origin of many variants among which US English, which I guess is spoken in the region you live in, while UK English is the one being taught as a second language in many other countries.

I agree there could be a little more personal description, but it doesn't have to become a police identification report (I didn't even know cauliflowers had ears). You have your image of what a security guy looks like, others have one that they feel is more fitting. It's not even that important for a forgettable minor character if it has no meaning to the plot. On the other hand there could be lots of description and action details added to the story, but then people complain about boredom. It's about finding a compromise.

Just like all the technicalities about rigging explosives the size of barrels. I've never seen anything like that in movies where all a barrel has to do is make a big fiery boom, and never heard the audience complain about that or any of the other kinds of fictional fireworks that doesn't work in real space.

BTW, this universe doesn't have a vacuum everywhere, it's a movie physics rules based fantasy/science fiction universe which admittedly becomes more clear in the second story. The mention about breatheble air in the space region in the beginning wasn't clearly enough to trigger the question.

Anyways, I'm sure your feedback will be taken into account in further installments, seeing you obviously still read it even after the capture of the bad guy scene. :-)

Thank you for the story. Sure it could use a proof reader and a grammar check Either American or UK English. But overall the errors did not throw me out of the story and the Premise is great. 5 stars for a good start on a new story line. Please do not be discouraged . Find someone who can read it before publishing to get a second set of eyes and pick up the errors you can not see. 5 STARS