All Comments on 'Friendly Visit'

You write in the first person but keep changing who "you" are. Then you jump to third. It's unreadable.

You changed the narrative several times throughout the story. If you’re going to do that, then you need to set it and and break the paragraph or story. Or just keep it in the same narrative throughout the whole story. Writing this story the way you did made it a little confusing.

It's jerky in voicing. You took five pages, almost pulling back from the main story. Androgynous geek gets setup and boned. Ok. Five pages to get there? It steamed and simmered and then the lid came off the pot, then you reheated it, and cooked it all away. You finally got there, food on the table, but the dish was dried out. There's enough here to say: You're good, but succinctness will benefit you.

This was a fun enough story with some decent action, but it was difficult to read. Through the first half of the story, it was told from Bill's perspective, then suddenly it switched to Jill's, then suddenly it switched back to Bill, and sometimes left first person entirely. The actors get mixed up in a couple spots, and that gets made even worse by saying things like that Jill bit Bill's "tit" when it was clearly that he's scrawny anyways. Who is doing what to who?

There's a decent story here, and could even be a good one, but this read like it was written a bit at a time, over a long period of time, without reference (or editing) to what came before.

Good work, no need for everyone to fixate on the structure and grammar...its just good hot erotica. Would love to see more of this foursome

Okay dude definitely need a part two. Bill needs that cock in his ass, but together as 2 couples. NO single play, except the girls of course.

I got more precum reading this story than I have in a long time. The wife is gonna get it later!

I love that the wife was worried that her husband wouldn’t want her anymore. And just want cock Just the opposite of the usual cuckold story. they truly love each other

I loved the basic premise of the story and the ultimate conclusion but agree that it is very confusing and could have used a good edit prior to submission. The change from the storytelling perspective was hard to follow. I also noticed the passage about Jill biting Bill's tit and had to reread it to make sure I understood it.

This had the potential to be one of my favorites in here but it needs just a little TLC. Great idea and hot action make this a really good story.

Why is there still no sequel? Write!

yes, the perspective changes a bit at times making it more confusing, but I still liked it. Don't let any negative comments stop you from continuing.

Confusing perspective changes and poor writing ruined