Fuck It, Let's Get Waffles!

Valentine's Day. My favorite day of the year. I watched as the beams from the headlights broke through the trees and rested behind and large coal car covered in graffiti. Valentine's Day never disappoints. I smiled wide, a grinning lunatic. They made this too easy, they will never see me coming.

As I stalked closer to the car I could see the couple. He was a clean cut young man, muscular with close cropped chestnut hair and a county club sweater. She was a blonde with a rich, dark tan. Her tits were practically popping out of her top. She reached over the seat of the convertible to fetch something from the back seat. Her tennis skirt was so short that I could see her ass. She found her hair tie and started gathering up her hair to tie it back. He was leaning back in the driver's seat, presumably fumbling with his zipper.

I closed the distance pretty quickly. I wanted to watch them at play. I found a nice vantage point in a tree and watched her finish packing her glorious golden hair in a messy bun. Through my binoculars I watched her put her mouth on him and run her tongue around his head a few times before pushing his swollen purple dick halfway in her mouth.Yeah, now we're talking! My hand wandered down to the growing bulge in my pants.

I caught a flash of something in my peripheral vision. Was it a light? A cigarette? Perhaps a cell phone screen? I couldn't be sure. I kept watching, waiting for it to happen again. I took a long time but again I saw a glint in the dark. Was it something metal or glass? I put the binoculars back in my pack and quietly slid down the tree. If I had an interloper, I was determined to see who would dare spoil my fun.

I quietly crept to where I thought the flash came from. The droning of the radio and the rising volume of his moaning from the blowjob covered any noise I made. I took my time. No more than three steps and then stop; watch and listen, like the animals do.

She had peeled her top off and was now shirtless. She had nice breasts. Not overly large, a good proportion, and big dark nipples. Her left breast had a really cute mole. I admired her long neck, crowned by high cheek bones and an angular chin. He face was flushed from the effort of pushing his dick all the way into her throat. I admired her gusto briefly before continuing on.

As I approached where I thought I saw the flash, a form clad in black began emerge from the wooded skyline. As I got closer I saw the figure was wearing a very form-fitting leather one piece bodysuit. The length of their black hair, the curve of their hips and the heart-shaped butt let me know this was a woman, quite a fit one at that. I readied my machete to move in for the kill.

"You can come out now," she said just loud enough to be heard.

I was stunned for a second. I didn't know what to do. She must be talking to me. I lowered the machete.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. I wasn't trying to sound like an asshole but in my head I did. She didn't seem to be bothered.

"Nice night isn't it?" She said. "I like to come down here some nights even when I'm not stalking just to listen to the frogs and locusts in the nearby bog. Something soothing about it, no?"

She had a sexy voice, very soft and sensual with a familiar cadence I couldn't quite place. She was disarmingly confident and something about her cool, aloof attitude made me wander if she was like me. Was she out here to kill these two or just watch?

"You mean like standing in the woods during a snow squall and listening to the snowflakes crash land on the leaves." I said absently.What the fuck was I saying?! What the fuck am I doing?! My voice sounded weird in my ears when I talked to her and was my voice cracking?!Why was I making small talk?

"Just like that," she looked over at the couple and continued, "Listen, I'm only here for the guy so if you plan on killing him, I'll back off. I didn't mean to poach." She looked over her shoulder at me and nodded toward the guy in the car overselling it with his moaning. A wild tangle of blond hair bobbed over his groin. When she lifted her head gasping for air, their silhouettes in the moonlight were beautiful. Her hair was a golden halo above her head and his muscles twisted under his glistening skin. For a second I had misgivings about my plans this evening but I shook them off, fortifying my resolve.

"No that's okay, I was going to kill them both but I can share." I said. I put the machete away so the reflection of the blade would give us away. "I don't think I'd ever met another, um, you know, uh."

"Psycho killer?" She finished my sentence and smirked.

"I would prefer a less volatile term," I replied indignantly.

"I bet you would." She smiled wickedly at me before looking bad at them. "Just like he wishes she was using less teeth." Since she pointed it out and I did notice his face was a grimace with gritted teeth that barely let his obnoxious moaning escape. "Jeez, we get it, her head game ain't the greatest but give the poor girl a reach around, grab a boob or something."

We watched as he ran his fingertips in her hair and lifted her head for a kiss. She ran her nails over his chest, peeling off his shirt. He had nice abs and pecs. He clearly went to the gym a lot. I felt a little sheepish standing there with her, hoping she hadn't noticed his knotted abs and flexing pecs. I had to speak to break the silence.

"So why are you after 'Archie' and not 'Betty' if you don't mind my asking? Are you a spurned lover out for fatal revenge?"I was tanking here, was this the best I could do? I'm such an idiot!

"Hah!" she snorted, "Me, heartbroken from that overgrown cum stain?! He could only dream that we are in the same solar system much less the same league!" She smiled at me. I smiled back. Was she flirting with me? "His daddy just made him senior labor liaison and he laid off over a thousand workers in his first week so the company could report an artificially inflated growth last quarter."

"So you're a superhero like 'The Punisher' or something, picking up where the law leaves off?" My words trailed off as I began to worry.Was she here to kill me too?

She laughed. "Hell no, nothing like that! Besides, 'The Punisher' isn't a hero. I'm more like 'Dexter', I just like killing people so I figured why not kill assholes."

"Couldn't have picked a better scum bag," I uttered.

"Yeah," she grinned excitedly, "So what's with the machete? Is it some kind of male fragility thing?" She looked at me as she asked, trying to read my reaction.

"I like the 'wow factor' of it. People see it and they're like 'Holy shit! That crazy mother fucker has a machete!'" I grinned menacingly, then I looked her dead in the eye. "It's not a tiny wiener thing like you might think," I added.

The couple in the car changed positions, she was straddling him cow girl in the driver's seat. He had his head back and was squeezing one of her tits so hard it was turning blue. Her hair was completely unruly now as she rocked and howled like some low rent porn starlet. Her other tit, the one that wasn't having the life choked out of it, flopped around on her chest like a speed bag.What the fuck?! How are they fooling themselves into believing this is good sex.

I could see her hand run down her chest, across her flat stomach, and down between her legs. She rubbed herself and then put her fingers in his mouth and he licked them clean.Okay, that was pretty hot! She was clearly trying to tell him something but he wasn't getting it, what a bonehead.

"Prove it," she challenged, "show it to me!"

"Show you what?" I asked. I returned my gaze to her as she broke into my analysis of their awful sexual prowess.

"Show me your dick! I've met a few others like us and the male ones, especially the ones who like big knives, have tiny peckers." She laughed as she finished her dare.

"No." I frowned. "Not gonna happen."

"Ha! I knew it!" She gloated.

"Fine!" I pulled the front of my pants down and showed her just enough of my dick to disprove her hypothesis. "Happy now?"

"Nice dong. I mean, I've seen bigger ones, but not bad." She grinned knowing how that must have smarted. I liked her playfulness and I liked that she wasn't afraid of me. It was kind of a turn on.

She arched her eyebrow. "Will you look at those two idiots? You call that a kiss? It looks like he's trying to lick something off of her face." Her lips curled in mild disgust as she spoke.

I looked over at the couple and back to her. I noticed her in a way that I hadn't before. I found her alluring, not simply attractive. I actually wanted to know more about her. I hadn't felt that in years. Had I ever felt that? She liked to play, so let's play. "So you've seem mine, show me yours." I said, bouncing my eyebrows.

"In your dreams! I'm not flashing my tits for you," she snickered.

"No, I mean your weapon," I said with mock indignation.Gotcha, now you get to squirm!

"Oh." She smiled awkwardly. She showed me her hands and wiggled her fingers. "It's these" she said beaming. I recognized the flash of light I noticed before. Her nails where made of metal. "They're a nickel-titanium alloy. Fused right to the phalanges," she explained.

"Fuck me sideways!" I gasped. I wasn't expecting that. "That's fucking awesome, did it hurt? It seems like that would hurt." I'm sure I sounded like a tween girl a boy band concert.

"For the first few weeks until they healed, yeah, but now," she clicked her nails together and smiled wickedly, "not at all." She inspected her nails and continued. "I wasn't ready for how cold it would be. My fingertips are always cold," she concluded.

"Those are cool as hell," I said.

"Thank you," she smiled, "They're the perfect cover too, I can slap a coat of nail polish on them and they look like acyclic nails."

"I'm Jason." I said, extending my hand.

"Ha, ha! Now I get it with the machete! Like Jason Voorhees! That's hilarious!" She giggle and extended a deadly, slim hand. "Pleased to meet you Jason. I'm Veronica, Veronica Vazquez."

"Veronica Vazquez from "Street Scene" on Channel 3 Action News?" I couldn't believe it. Now I remembered her voice and that cadence.

"The one and only." She grinned. "Half the killings I reported on were mine."

"The toughest beat on the toughest streets!" I said, quoting her catch phrase. "I had a poster of you in my room when I was a kid!"

"That's, um... don't... don't finish that sentence, I don't want to know how many socks you ruined," she replied.

"So after we, uh, you know..." I dragged my finger across my neck and stuck my tongue out as a mock killing, "...you wanna get some coffee or something? There's an all night diner not far from here." My words hung for a moment.

"Oh, right, those two chuckle heads," she recalled, "I nearly forgot about them." She looked over her shoulder at the two of them pounding it out in the missionary position on the hood. "Fuck sake, he didn't even put his sweater down so she doesn't get a brush burn."

"What a dick," I agreed.

"You know what? Fuck this! Lets get some coffee and waffles," she said.

The couple looked over at us. "What the hell was that?" The guy looked toward at us as he spoke.

"Nothing," Veronica called back, "Just keep going, you might as well finish because I'm pretty sure she won't!"

The two of them covered up as best they could and hopped in the car. The car peeled out, flinging dirt and stones, as they sped off into the night. We laughed hysterically.

"C'mon," she said, "I'll pick up the tab for dinner but if things go well, you have to sleep on the wet spot."

"Fair enough," I nodded.