Humor & SatireFun With Math

# Fun With Math

According the United States Government, there is one birth every 8 seconds in the USA (http://www.census.gov).

That's about 11,250 births per day.

So that is 11,250 couples having sex today, excluding couples where one partner or the other is sterile. Excluding all gay or lesbian couples, oral or anal sex acts, bestiality or other activities where there is no possibility of pregnancy. That's couples having sex today, where the result WILL be a child.

What is the percentage of the population that uses birth control? 10%? 90%? Let's say 75% use birth control and it is 100% effective, which is absurd, I can tell you from personal experience. So the 11,250 figure is produced by the 25% that do not use birth control. That means that 45,000 couples will have sex today, excluding all the groups I already mentioned.

We all know women have cycles, and are fertile for, what, a week or so? Let's say 50% of the time. So those 11,250 births are the result of 22,500 couples having sex at a fertile time of month, without using birth control. So instead of 45,000, the number is more like 22,500 plus that 75%, or 56,250 couples having sex today with some real chance of conceiving a child.

It takes about 9 months or so to pop one of those puppies out, and let's assume at least 3 months downtime after that. More, really, but let's say. So 11,250 couples times 365 per year, means that 4,106,250 additional couples are or were recently pregnant and thus could have sex without making babies. Somewhere I read that Americans have sex on average 3 times per week. Yeah right. I think it was in Cosmo, I'm sorry I can't remember exactly where. So fewer than 1/2 of those might have sex today, or about 2,000,000. Of course, people usually don't have sex as often when pregnant, so let's be brutal. Say 500,000 protected might have sex today. We're up to 556,250 couples, by the way.

We won't discuss the numbers where the baby was lost, because that saddens me.

Let's take that the other direction for a moment. Eight seconds per baby. That's one ejaculation that results in a baby. We know from our analysis that there are considerably more ejaculations than pregnancies. About 5 times as many, in fact. So there are five ejaculations in eight seconds, or about 37.5 ejaculations per minute. Nationwide. Let's call that one per two seconds, or 0.5 ejaculations per second.

Then there are the 545,000 couples that might be having sex that won't be having a baby today, for sure. That works out to about 6.3 ejaculations per second for a total of 6.8 ejaculations per second, grand total.

Ballparking like this has its inherent danger. I just estimated that as many as 500,000 "protected" couple might have sex today, while we KNOW that 56,250 unprotected couples will have sex today. Seems like the preggo's might have an advantage here! Could "Beating Off Bob" sing out here? What's the deal?! Inquiring minds want to know! Am I anywhere near the mark?

Where's this guy going with all this crap, anyway?

Let's face it. A lot of the people that will read this little story, are looking to jack off, jill off or possibly just prime the pump for a tryst with their loved one later on. Some of you are looking for literary excellence, and I can tell you there is some on this site (elsewhere on this site ;) I'm just messing around here).

Look, over there on the left. There's a guy, sitting in his boxers, mousing with one hand and stroking himself with the other. Cute shorts, buddy. Who is that on the front, Sponge Bob Square Pants? He's just stroking idly, staying hard while he reads this. He's going to read something a little more stimulating after this to finish himself off.

And that girl. Yes, you. You are cute! I love the way your glasses set off your eyes. Such pretty eyes. I'm looking straight into your eyes, but you look a little distracted. Ooops! I see. Your hand is inside your nightie. Your finger is tracing circles on your clit, and, oh you naughty, naughty girl, you just tasted yourself. That's hot... um, be a dear and email me when you're finished reading... You can tell me just how good it feels, touching yourself, wishing it were my finger, my tongue, maybe my cock pushing you to your own climax. Maybe contributing to the statistics.

So what was the point, again?

It took me about an hour to look up the original statistics, play with the numbers and write this little story. In that hour somewhere on the order of 24,480 ejaculations have occurred. According to Home Simpson, it takes 5 minutes to have sex, start to finish. (I'm thinking an hour and a half, but that's me!) So, if it takes 5 minutes, and we accept an ejaculation rate of 6.8 ejaculations per second (remember, 6.3 per second protected and 1 in 2 seconds unprotected), then at this particular moment, there are 2,040 couples engaged in intercourse at this particular moment. That's for the United States, which comprises about 4.6 % of the world's population. So multiply all these numbers by a factor of 20 (at least). The math is left as an exercise for the student. What I'm trying to say is, at this very moment, you have a lot of company.

I don't know about you, but I'm going to go jack off now. Perhaps later tonight I'll try to become one of those 56,250...

Oh, and in the two minutes it took you to read this story? 816 ejaculations.

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