Give Me a Little Credit Here

"Yes, I would; you haven't given me the one I want yet." She pressed 4. BIP.

The recording returned to the first option. "If you wish to apply fo—"

They heard the ding! sound again. The recording thanked her.

"Thank you for your selection. If you wish to authorize your credit card, please press 5, or say, 'Yes,' now."

"There we go, thank you," smiled Donna, pressing 5.

The recording ding!ed yet once more. "Thank you for your selection," it repeated mechanically. "Please enter the sixteen-digit number..."

Donna became more excited. "A'right! Now we're getting somewhere!"

"...On the front of your card, followed by the pound key."

That caught Donna off-guard. She hesitated. "...Sorry? Followed by the what?"

Valerie looked up. "Oh, the little tic-tac-toe button down there at the bottom, hon."

"Ah! Okay, gotcha." She went to punch in the digits. But before she could, a different sound came through the phone: a low-pitched bhpht! noise that sounded like wind being broken. After which, the recording's voice appeared again.

"Are you still there?" it wanted to know.

"Wha—yes, yes, I'm still here. I just needed to know what the pound key was."

"If you are still there, please say, 'Yes,' now."

"...YES. I am still here," a now slightly annoyed Donna announced. She leaned down close to the phone to address it. "YES."

The recording responded. "I think you said, 'Yes.'"

"I did say, 'Yes.'"

The recording ding!ed. "Thank you for your selection. Please enter the sixteen-digit number on the front of your card—"

She nodded. "Followed by the pound key, right. Okay." She entered the number, careful to get each digit right, and then pressed the pound key.

Ding! "Thank you," it said. Donna nodded, waiting for further instructions.

Ding! "Thank you."

Donna and Valerie exchanged confused glances. "Huh?" asked Donna.

Ding! "Thank you."

Donna leaned down closer again, this time in bewilderment. "Uh...you're...welcome?"

Ding! "Please enter the expiration date on the front of your card, by month and then year, followed by the pound key."

'Kay, that was kinda weird, but... Donna examined the card again. "Okay...oh, expiration date. Here it is." She punched three digits in, followed by the pound key.

Bhpht! "You have pressed an incorrect key."

Donna went befuddled again. "What?"

The recording repeated itself. Bhpht! "You have pressed an incorrect key."

They waited out two seconds of bemused silence. The recording reiterated its request. "Please enter the expiration date..."

"Y—b—I did that," Donna insisted. "February '17. Two-one-seven."

Valerie realized what was wrong. "Oh, sweetie, you have to put in a zero for the month, 'cause it needs two digits for the month and two for the year."

"Oh! Oh, I got it now."

Bhpht! "Are you still there?"

Sigh.

"If you are still there, please say, 'Yes,' now."

"YES! Yes, I told you, I am still here! I'm not going anywhere!"

"I think you said, 'Yes.'"

Donna was starting to get just the slightest bit disenchanted.

"I DID..."

Ding! "Thank you. Please enter the expiration date..."

"Yeesh. Okay, zero..." said Donna, punching it in correctly this time.

Ding! "Thank you."

Donna waited. Then she and Val remembered. "You're welcome," they said in unison.

Ding! "Thank you. Please enter the security code on the back of your card, followed by the pound key."

The...what? thought Donna. She turned back to her wife for help again. "Uh, Val...?"

Val took the card and turned it over to show her. "Here, right there, see? The little three-digit number right there? That's it."

Bhpht! "Are you still there?"

"Oh, geez," groused Donna. "Yes, I—"

"If you are still there—"

"YESSSSS! I am not leaving! YES, okay??"

"I think you said, 'Yes.'"

"BING-o!" a more exasperated Donna exclaimed.

Ding! "Thank you. Please enter the security code on the back of your card, followed by the pound key."

GEE whiz... She did.

Ding! "Thank you."

"You're wel-come..." Valerie and Donna again chanted.

Ding! "Please enter your date of birth, by month, then day, then year, followed by the pound key."

Donna arched one brow and furrowed the other. "...Ohhh-kay..."

"Oh, honey, remember," Valerie chimed in, "Two digits for each one."

"Right...not totally sure why that's necessary, but I think I can handle it, and...pound."

Ding! "Thank you."

Donna smirked at how bizarrely amusing this was getting. "You are welcome."

"Yeah, don't mention it, voice," Valerie called from behind the paper.

Ding! "Please wait a moment," the recording requested.

Donna kicked back in her recliner. They sat in silence for a few seconds. Val finished her current section, navigating to the funnies. She read for a minute, then giggled roguishly.

"Oh my gosh! Donna, babe, look at this cartoon they printed."

Donna took a peek. She got the joke, threw a hand over her mouth and laughed, a laugh that said, Oh my God, that's awful!

"Oh my God, that's awful!"

"I know, right??" Val laughed back. "I didn't think they could get away with that!"

Another second went by, and they finally heard the recording come back.

Bhpht! "We are very sorry, but we are unable to process your request at this moment," it cheerfully informed them. "Please call back at another time."

The O'Hanlons declined their chairs, leaned forward and stamped their feet on the floor. "WHAT??" they harmonized.

Bhpht! "We are very sorry, but we are unable to process your request at this moment," it cheerfully informed them. "Please call back at another time."

Donna's voice shot up an octave. "What the f—...are you kidding me??"

"No."

The recording hung up on them. A click killed the line, and there was nothing left but a dial tone. Donna and Val reacted relatively accordingly.

"WH—...D—...Y—...TH—..." Donna squeaked.

Val scoffed indignantly. "Well, that sucks!" she said. She deeply hated to see anything displease Donna, and grew miffed on her behalf. "Hey, y'know what, hon?" she offered. "Why don't you let me give it a try. Who knows, maybe something different'll happen."

Donna waited another few seconds, then shrugged and tossed away some energy, stretching out to lie on the floor. "Eh, what the hell."

So Valerie crawled over, ceasing briefly to kiss Donna's ear, plopped herself in front of the phone and began her own attempt.

*****

(D) Naturally, my initial childlike enthusiasm for my new credit card has begun to fade just a bit by this point. But with Val's help, we eventually manage to achieve another step forward. Saturday afternoon, about 2:30.

*****

Saturday, September 7th, 2013, 2:26 p.m.

Donna lay reclined in the chair Valerie'd earlier occupied, a look of fatigue occupying her face. Also now on the table sat a drained glass of orange juice and an empty baggie of chips. They'd taken a few breaks to recuperate, as Val attempted to work her way through the convoluted pre-recorded maze herself. Clearly, the DiscVisMasterExpress phone menu system didn't care for hesitation or errors.

"Donna?" Val turned back to her. "Sweetie? I'm just putting in your date of birth now."

A not quite ecstatic Donna tossed a half-hearted thumbs-up. "Aces."

Valerie did so, followed of course by the pound key.

Ding! "Thank you."

Donna threw the recording a weary "No problem," as Valerie rejoined, "Our pleasure."

Ding! "Please wait a moment."

Val crossed her fingers. "Okay, here we go." They waited again. A few more seconds, and the recording picked back up. To their short elation...this time they heard another ding.

Ding! "Please enter the sixteen-digit number on the front of your card, followed by the pound key."

The wives' faces reverted from one brief moment of hopeful back to bamboozled.

"Wha—?" Valerie asked.

"...Didn't you already do that?" Donna asked.

Val shook her head. "Obviously, this machine is technologically challenged."

Bhpht! "Are you still there?"

"Heh," Donna chuckled sardonically. "Better not say that too loud; it'll hear ya."

"If you are still there, please say, 'Yes,' now."

Valerie heaved a sigh of her own. "Yes! Okay, honey, I'm gonna try this again real quick."

"I think you said, 'Yes.'"

"Good ear, my pre-recorded friend," Val observed.

Ding! "Thank you. Please enter the sixteen-digit number..."

Valerie cut off the recording, rapidly punching it in.

Ding! "Thank you."

Beginning to feel caustic with it herself, Valerie answered, "Oh, not at all."

Ding! "Please enter the expiration da—"

BEEP-boop-BIP-bip-BEEP. Ding! "Thank you."

"De nada," Valerie said.

Ding! "Please enter the security co—"

BOOP-beep-BIP-BEEP. Ding! "Thank you."

"Your wish is my command," said Val, starting to enjoy getting sarcastic with this thing.

Ding! "Please enter your date of bir—"

BIP-boop-BOOP-BEEP, beep-bip-BEEP. Ding! "Thank you."

"Oh, my life is but to serve you, my liege."

"'Kay, I'm all set to 'please wait a moment,'" Donna sighed.

They waited for it, but this time something different happened.

Ding! "Please enter your zip code, followed by the pound key."

Donna and Valerie's faces turned to astonishment, before smiles spread across them.

"Whoa, what??" exclaimed Donna.

"Zip code? Okay!" Valerie gladly cooperated before the machine had to chance to ask if she was still there. Boop-BIP-beep-boop-BIP-BEEP. Ding! "Thank you."

"You're welcome!" said a psyched Valerie, turning back to Donna.

Donna'd become excited again herself. "'S like finding a hidden level in a video game."

"See?" Val grinned, nodding proudly. "That's why you marry an Irish chick: you get lucky...a lot." Accentuating the word, she leered at her with a suggestive wink.

Ding! "Please enter your age in years, then months, then days, followed by the pound key."

"...Excuse me?" said Donna.

"W—..." Val held out her arms in confusion, staring at the phone. "Why?"

"Can't it figure that out from my birthdate?" Donna wished to know.

Bhpht! "Are you still there?"

Donna threw her hands in the air as Valerie let hers fall on the table.

"If you are still there..."

Valerie lost just a tiny bit of control.

"WE ARE STILL EFFING HERE, OKAY?!" she shouted, clenching her paws into fists. "Aye-aye! Affirmative! Roger! 10-4!"

The recording remained silent. Donna called over after another beat.

"YES."

Ding! "I think you said, 'Yes.'"

Valerie was growing cross. "I think YOU are a jerk."

Ding! "Thank you. Please enter your age..."

Donna got up. "I got it, I got it, I got it..." Val slid the phone over, and Donna punched in another series of buttons.

Ding! "Thank you."

"Well, glad math was my best subject in school," Donna sighed.

Ding! "Thank you."

"You're WEL-COME!" they yelled simultaneously.

Ding! "Please enter your exact height in feet, then inches, followed by your exact weight in pounds, then ounces, followed by the pound key."

They paused to stare at the phone, indescribable expressions on their faces.

"What in the heck...?" Valerie said.

"Okay, did that thing just say what I think it did?" queried Donna.

Bhpht! "Are you still there?"

Donna made a fist and shook it at the phone. Valerie dropped her face in her hands.

"If you are still there, please say, 'Yes,' now."

The peeved Valerie removed her face from her hands. "YES, you son of an answering machine, we are BOTH, still, here."

"I think you said, 'Yes.'"

Donna smacked herself in the forehead. "Uh-huh..." her wife uttered.

Ding! "Thank you. Please enter your exact height in feet..."

"Why the hell would it want my height and weight??" Donna asked incredulously.

Val started pushing buttons. "I dunno, but if it gets us anywhere..."

"You know my exact height and weight?"

"No; I'm just making up numbers."

"Heh!" Donna gave another acerbic chuckle. "Well, good luck! The way this is going, the thing probably knows we're lying."

"Oh, honey bun, don't be silly; it's a machine." Valerie finished making up a suitable set of figures. "It is not gonna know we're lying. See?" She pressed the pound key. "Watch."

Bhpht! "You have pressed an incorrect key."

Both faces promptly went into shock.

"Please enter your exact height in feet, then inches..."

Donna and Valerie turned back to each other, now intimidated. Valerie gestured to the unpacked boxes. "G—...go-go find the scale and the tape measure!"

Donna stood motionless a moment. "B—...but, h—...I, wh—"

"Honey, later; just go! Go find them!"

Starting to get just a tiny bit creeped out, Donna nonetheless obeyed. She started on the wall to their left and worked her way around as Valerie turned back to the phone.

Bhpht! "Are you still there?...If you are still there, please say, 'Yes,' now."

Valerie changed her tone. "Yes, we are," she replied sweetly and affectionately.

"I think you said, 'Yes.'"

"Yes, we did..." said Valerie, voice loving and benevolent. She caressed the phone with the back of her hand. "And we love you..."

Ding! "Thank you. Please enter your exact height..."

"Sweetie, hurry!" Val called behind her.

Donna found the right box. "Aha!" She dug out the scale and tape measure, rapidly toting them over. She put the former on the floor and handed Valerie the latter.

Bhpht! "Are you still there?"

Both sighed in intense exasperation.

"If you are still there, please say, 'Yes,' now."

"YEEEE-esssss!" said Valerie.

"'F you'd just be patient two friggin' seconds," Donna added through clenched teeth.

"I think you said, 'Yes.'"

"You bet your buttons we did, phone," Val responded, in an annoyed sing-songy voice.

"Thank you. Please enter..."

Wasting as little time as possible, Valerie drew out the tape measure. Donna stood beside her in her socked feet.

"Oh, hon, take off your socks," Val told her.

"What?"

"Well, you heard it; we've gotta be precisely right. I gotta know exactly how tall you are."

"...Is it just me, or is this whole thing starting to get really weird?"

"I don't care, we have to know," argued Valerie. "Take 'em off."

Donna stared strangely. "Babe..." she said, "...They're socks. They add no height."

Bhpht! "Are you still there?"

Any semblance of patience Valerie had left was evaporating quick. "Just get 'em off!"

Her freaked-out factor indeed increasing, Donna did as told. "O-okay, okay!"

"If you are still there..."

Repeatedly appeasing the intolerant system, Valerie stood next to Donna. "Okay, babe, stand up straight and look right at me."

It might not have been the ideal time to flirt. But with this setup, it was tough for Donna to resist. She giggled seductively, "No problem, dollface," and flashed her knockout grin.

Valerie was neither seduced nor knocked out. "Yes, yes, hon, I love you too, but we don't have time right now." She measured precisely as she could, noted the number, hopped down on her knees, popped it into the phone, and spun back around.

"Now get naked."

Donna shot her a look. "I...thought you just said we didn't have time for that."

"No, no, babe, I mean take your clothes off so I can weigh ya."

Donna looked at her like she was from another planet. Suddenly, Val grabbed the scale.

"Actually, the neighbors might be able to see in here. Get in the bathroom."

"What??"

Valerie led the way. "Come on, I said! Get your butt in here and strip it down, woman!"

Donna arched her brows and changed her tune. The way Valerie ordered her to do this just happened to sound very hot. She followed with a smirk, pulling her clothes off.

"Well all right, but only if you promise to say it exactly like that from now on."

Fortunately for them, if given partial info, the phone system would wait for them to come back with the rest. It was now Donna's turn to be nude in front of her wife. She stepped on the scale, and Valerie darted back out to the living room. She slid in front of the phone, punched it in, took a second to say a little prayer, and pressed the pound key.

Ding! "Thank you."

Valerie was elated. "HA!" she cheered, looking up at the ceiling. "Thank YOU, God!" she exulted. She returned to the phone. "You're welcome, you're welcome!"

Ding! "Please wait a moment."

Donna followed back out to the living room, barefoot and free-bunning. "Val, babe..." she started with a silly smile. "You can call me crazy, but, uh...that was kinda—"

Meaning business, Valerie cut her off. "Not now, babe, not now. I got the height and weight right, now it wants us to wait again."

Donna paused a beat. "Ohhh-kay." She went to perch back down.

They heard a beep. They looked warily to one another, unsure what this meant. Finally—

Ding! "You are now being transferred to the DiscVisMasterExpress credit card authorization department."

Upon hearing these magical words, the brides' mouths dropped open in relief and joy.

"AH!! Omigosh!" Valerie hopped up and opened her arms to Donna.

"Val! I LOVE you!" Donna shouted, embracing and planting a good, long one on her.

"Mm...I love you too, my sweet," Val gushed as the kiss broke, stroking her wife's hair and caressing her cheek. A shiver of passion tingled through Donna's body. She loved this woman more than anything in the world, but if only she knew how great was Valerie's own love for her. As far as each O'Hanlon wife was concerned, her devotion for the other was insurmountable. They sat on the floor, this turn of events having reawakened their flirtatious spirit. They laid foreheads together and giggled.