Give Me a Little Credit Here

Okay, obviously, I'm kidding; you don't need two trips to the bathroom.

Anyway, the point is, I never got caught. I never got sent back to bed, and thus spent more than my share of twilights wide awake. The twilight hours always seemed kinda...mysterious, to me. And elusive, and unexplored. I was amazed when I found out they still show stuff on TV after midnight. I never really did much of anything, 'cause I didn't wanna get busted. I just marveled at the fact that I...broke on through to the other side. I went back outside my bedroom after midnight, and I got away with it. I felt invincible back then; for a long time I thought it was the coolest thing ever.

But when I hit my 20s and got a full-time job...I realized WHY parents don't let their kids stay up late. So I go, let's see, if I want eight hours' sleep, I'll have to hit the sack at...ten?? I hadn't been asleep by ten since I was...ten! I dunno if you ever spent your weekends sleeping till noon, but if you try to switch gears just like that...well, you might as well have a dang parade going on outside. Before you know it you're up again, channel and web surfing, thinking boy, this is gonna be rough in the morning. But don't despair, kids, 'cause after a few days of just trying not to drop dead at work, hitting the hay at ten suddenly sounds like a dandy idea! And now, getting to the actual point...once you're all grown-up, ho-ho! Just try pulling an all-nighter now.

Which brings us back to our little credit card saga. By the by, my fascination for twilight as a kid went hand in hand with a fascination for those magical plastic cards that as far as I was concerned could do absolutely anything. That long, long expository spiel was just to attempt to prepare you for what's coming next. Oh, and, incidentally...my apologies, in advance. For what? Trust me, you'll see for what. Sunday, twilight, 3:30 a.m., probably...

Or...it...might've been 3:45 a.m., I can't really remember...

Y'know...maybe it was closer to 4:00; I didn't very much care by this point.

*****

Sunday, September 8th, 2013, 4:41 a.m.

Donna paced, trying to keep herself awake. Their Monopoly game had chugged to a halt. Valerie knelt not very animatedly, elbows on the table, face melting between her hands.

Ding! "We are currently experiencing a high call volume. But please do not hang up, as your call is very important to us. Thank you for your patience."

"Well," mumbled Val, "Glad we didn't have anything else to do today."

"Val...honey...can we please, please, PLEASE just go to sleep??"

Valerie sat up, gave herself a light smack in the cheek, rubbed her eyes and yawned.

"Donna, just think how great we're gonna feel when we finally get through!"

Donna's tone was turning angry. Her beloved bride Valerie's endless—and seemingly foolhardy—optimism was starting to get on her nerves.

"Yeah, uh...y'know, Val, I've been thinking about that these last, oh, I dunno...FOURTEEN hours, and, uh...somehow, I just don't think it's gonna happen."

Gong! "You are now being transferred..."

Valerie forced herself up and took Donna's hands. "Babe, we can't just give up!"

Donna held out her arms inquisitively, pushing Valerie's paws back towards her.

"Yeah...remind me why not again?" she asked.

Ding! "We are currently experiencing..."

"Donna, it's gonna happen! I prayed for it! God has always answered my prayers!"

Donna was so wiped, she was giving less and less thought to what came out of her mouth. And growing cranky. She sharply yanked her hands from Val's.

"Oh, really?" she said. "And, um, just what kind of prayers would those be, exactly?"

She wandered to the other side of the room and rubbed her eyes. Valerie was clearly caught off-guard by this question and the way Donna asked it. She felt a bit stung.

Gong! "You are now being transferred..."

"What does that mean?" Valerie inquired.

Donna removed her hands from her face and held them in the air. "NOTHING. Absolutely nothing." She heaved a sigh and stared off at nothing in particular.

The blood in Valerie's feet went cold. Feeling an abrupt uneasy feeling in the tummy, she took a few cautious steps toward her wife, paying less attention to the phone herself.

"Is there something you'd like to say to me?"

Donna's lips said, "Nope!" But her flippant tone patently contradicted it.

Ding! "We are currently experiencing..."

Val came a few steps closer still. "Yes, there is. What is it?"

Donna sighed, re-rubbing her eyes with a faint groan.

"Donna, answer me."

Donna couldn't really look at her, but finally croaked out a reply.

"...Look, Valerie, you don't have to do me any favors."

Valerie's eyebrows jumped, quite startled to hear the girl she cherished say something like this. The comment aside, she couldn't remember the last time Donna addressed her with the full three-syllable version of her name. A bit of hurt came through in her voice.

"...Are you saying you don't want me here?"

Gong! "You are now being transferred..."

Donna turned in Valerie's direction, but still didn't exactly face her.

"First of all," Donna's voice rose, "Our wedding vows didn't include trick questions."

Val turned more startled yet.

"And B, 'You don't have to do me any favors' means 'You don't have to do me any favors.' 'I don't want you here' means 'I don't want you here.' Did I say, 'I don't want you here'? I did not. Ergo, I reiterate: you simply don't have to do me any favors."

Valerie could barely believe what she was hearing. Her lower lip began to quiver. She returned to the recliner and slowly let herself down again, practically melting into it.

Ding! "We are currently experiencing..."

"What...wh—" Valerie'd never heard her soulmate speak to her like this, as girlfriends, wives or anything else. She didn't know what to say to do. She started to get frightened.

Donna continued, still not completely able to look at her. "And all I mean by that is, I just think there're things we could be doing right now more productive than this. Like maybe...oh, I dunno, just off the top of my head...SLEEP!"

She covered her face with one paw. Looking at Donna, Valerie's powers of speech were trapped in bemused apprehension. She felt numb. She looked helplessly at the phone.

Gong! "You are now being transferred..."

Both breathed a bit heavier. Valerie heard Donna start to weep, very soft and silent. Before she knew it, tears came to Val's own eyes. Needing to sit herself, Donna plopped on the floor and covered her face. Neither said anything for a few seconds.

Ding! "We are currently experienci—..."

"Oh, just hang up!" Donna abruptly shouted.

A very startled Valerie gasped and jumped. She did nothing but cry. A few more seconds passed by, of elevator music that all sounded the same: maddening.

Gong! "You are now being transferred..."

It was driving Donna insane. "Hang up, I said! Just forget it! SCREW it already!!"

As Donna's voice loudened, Valerie's piped down.

"Wha—..." she whispered, tearful and fearful. "Why're you yelling? You're scaring me."

Donna brought it down a few notches. "I just can't believe this whole, freaking, thing..."

Val slipped down onto the floor and approached on her knees. "Honey...it's okay. I—"

"'Okay'?!" Donna chopped her off. "This is not okay!" She paused for a sob. "I am sitting here in the dead of night, waiting for a goddamn miracle to happen! I'm a grown woman struggling to stay awake at...at...whatever the hell time it is, being on hold for fifteen hours! Something is clearly wrong here! If there is anything this situation is not, Valerie Effing O'Hanlon, it's 'okay'! This, SUCKS! A'right?!"

She brushed her eyes with a sniffle. Val started to sob. Not bawling loud, but enough for Donna to hear. All she wanted to do today was make her wife happy. And she'd failed.

Ding! "We are currently experiencing..."

"Donna..." Val said through her tears. "H—...how can you say that? I mean, I...I know this isn't the greatest day ever, but-but y—...you're acting like it's the end of the world! We are still married, you know!" She forced out a weak chuckle. "I mean, it...it's not like we're being forced to divorce if we can't authorize your credit card."

"It goddamn feels like it," replied Donna, already regretful. "I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave me by now."

Gong! "You are now being transferred..."

"Wh—...what're you talking ab—..." Valerie couldn't believe she just said that.

"I can't believe you just said that." She inched closer on her knees again. "Donna...

"Look at this." She pointed to her ring. "We're married! Donna, darling, heaven's sake, I'm your wife! You got me! I'm not going anywhere! You have a brand-new wife, who loves you more than anything she'll ever love...and would give her life if it meant saving yours!" She blinked some more tears off her eyes, placing a hand on Donna's shoulder.

Donna scoffed. "You'd die...so I could stay alive? Gee, that makes a lotta sense. Great, you're dead, and I'm a widow. What am I supposed to do then, Val? Answer me that."

Val let that go. She leaned up closer to her ear and whispered.

"Donna, my angel...I love you more than life itself. I adore you more than any person has ever adored anyone or anything, ever. Donna Ellie O'Hanlon...you are my world."

Donna just cried. The words effectlessly bounced off her.

"Ohhh..." she moaned miserably. "I wish I wasn't too tired to care."

Valerie could not believe that either. She took her hand off her beloved's shoulder.

"'Too...tired...to care'??" She couldn't just let that go. Or hold back her tears.

"Okay, my friend, you just blew my mind, twice, and THAT one hurt. What you just said really hurt me, Donna. All I've done...all, I've, done, for the last fifteen hours is stand by you, and help you make this happen. Your happiness is the number one priority in my life. Lemme explain something to you, Donna: your wife, Valerie Megan O'Hanlon, would go beyond hell and back to make your dreams come true. 'Cause you're the queen of my heart. I LOVE you. It bears repeating." She shook her head. "If someone took you from me, or said we couldn't be together anymore...I..." She wept at the mere thought. "...You have no idea how much it'd destroy me. If I lost you...I'd shatter, into a million tiny pieces, until nothing in me could be broken anymore. And you're too tired to care?"

Donna let another moment go by, absorbing all of this. Her heart wrenched again as she heard Val unleash a stream of sorrowful, soulbreaking tears. She collected her thoughts.

"Okay," she began. "You wanna talk about this, we'll talk about this."

Valerie paused crying to look up at her.

"Number one...about four hours ago, my dream was not authorizing this stupid thing anymore; it was sleeping! Apparently, I should have told you then, except, I did! I said it over and over again! Val...look, I'm sorry. I really am, but-but...you just wouldn't listen to me! It's..." She tried to think, but her headache wouldn't allow it. "It's gotta be, like, five in the morning! You know I need as much sleep as I can possibly get, and you haven't let me have a wink! I started..." Sigh. "...Stupid as it probably sounds, I started to think that maybe...maybe you actually didn't love me anymore."

Those seven last words cracked Valerie's heart, and made her bawl yet harder. Donna continued to attempt to locate the words she wanted. But again, she couldn't think.

"I...I didn't mean to..." She grew frustrated, and threw out the first pleading statements that came to mind. "I didn't think it would be like this! I...I didn't mean to do anything wrong here! I..." She turned back to Val, whose head was turned to the floor.

"Val..." Donna took Valerie's wet chin in her hand. "Val...look at me, please?"

Her tear-soaked eyes were pinched shut. Donna felt arrows of guilt spear every part of her. She felt her body brim with shame. After another moment, she spoke again.

"I wasn't really too tired to care."

Valerie opened her heartache-stained eyes and looked at her.

"I...I only said that to make my point. It was a...a sucky choice of words. And...'cause I got pissed off that you wouldn't let me sleep."

That revelation injected Val with shame. She dropped her eyes, too dismayed to look up. She felt inexpressibly disappointed in herself, as if punched in the gut by her own fist.

"I'm..." she said barely audibly. "I'm so sorry."

And just when she thought she couldn't feel any worse. Donna grimaced and pretended to shoot herself in the head. She rejoined under her breath.

"I, uh...believe that was my line." She turned back to Valerie. "Look, Val, I—"

She got out no words past this before Valerie threw her arms around her, squeezed as hard as she could, and buried her face in Donna's chest. From somewhere down between her breasts, Donna heard her bride whimper, "...Please forgive me."

Again, right when she thought it wasn't possible to feel guiltier.

"Okay, Val, you gotta stop stealing all my lines."

Feeling relief and devotion bloom inside her, Valerie's crying changed from sad to glad. She turned her face up to Donna's, blinking and sniffling.

"So you...you still love me?"

"Oh, like you even need to ask," Donna chortled, an emerald-colored reflection of herself staring back. "You still love me?"

Valerie smiled happily for the first time in twelve hours. "Even more," she cooed, seeing herself mirrored in hazel. She stopped herself before she started up again.

"Oh, c'mere," she cooed, laying an Earth-silencing kiss on Donna. Their arms enfolded, and they teetered off-kilter. Gravity took over, and they went on making out on the floor.

And the world as they knew it vanished.

Ding! "We are cur—" Click.

A voice.

A human voice.

"Hello, thank you for calling DiscVisMasterExpress. This is Chris, may I help you?"

When their lips were in contact, everything else in the world went away.

They kept kissing.

"Hello?...Are you there?..."

They kept kissing.

"Hello, is anyone there, please?..."

At last, the lasses detached from their liplock and regained any fragments left of their senses. Donna reached for the recliner to pull herself to her feet.

"I, um...I think I'll go get us some Kleenex, honey. Glad Rite Aid's open 24 hours."

The voice on the line underlapped Donna's as she spoke. And they still, didn't, hear it.

Valerie got to her feet too. "Oh, baby, let me go with you. Really, it's the least I can do."

"The least you can do?"

"Anybody there?" asked the voice.

Donna continued. "My God, Valerie, I was acting like such a je—"

"WHOA, whoa, wait a minute," interrupted Val. "Did...you just hear something?"

"What?"

And this time, they did hear it.

"Hello, anyone there at all?"

They spun back to the phone in what felt like slow-mo. In realization of the epiphany upon them, they returned glances to each other for one second. Then...unisonously—

"OMIGOSH!" screamed Valerie.

"HOLY CRAP!" screamed Donna.

They raced back into the living room and dove around the recliners to get to the phone. Donna arrived first, knees hitting the floor the instant she shouted, "Hel—"

But she got no further.

The line went dead. The poor, drained wives were left with nothing but a dial tone.

Valerie's face fell into another wince of mental agony. Donna just about had a seizure. She shook her head, staring at the phone, feeling the tears coming on yet again.

"...NO...nooooo...no no no no no, NO...y—...you are not...you did NOT jus—..."

Valerie saw her wife panicking. She promptly went down on her knees with her.

"Donna. Donna. Honey, it's all right. S—...sweetie? Sweetheart, look." She turned Donna's face to hers. "Baby, look at me. It's okay. It's gonna be okay. Honey. Honey!"

She took Donna in her arms, kissing her tenderly all over. "Hon, calm...down." She held on, caressing her hair, lowering her voice till she could get her back under control.

"Donna, sweetie, shhhh. Don't worry about it. Shhhh. Everything's okay. I love you. I love you." She kissed her once more and whispered tranquilly in her ear. "I love you."

Valerie silently hung up the phone and put both arms around her, letting Donna's head slip down to her shoulder. The next few seconds consisted only of Val soothing her mournful wife. A few more gentle strokes and "shhhh"s later, Donna raised her head.

"Oh my God," Donna solemnly mumbled.

"I know...I know," Val comforted, petting her hair, arms and back.

Donna shook her head. "Oh, I'm not totally sure you do..."

"...Babe...I—"

"I mean, if you do, then at least one of us does," bemoaned Donna. "At least one of us knows what just happened—to me. 'Cause I damn sure don't." She shook her head again. "It's...it's like I'm watching the whole last hour in my mind, over and over again, and..."

Her words were no easier to find and put in order than before. "...That wasn't me." She detached herself from Valerie's embrace and stood.

"That was...some kinda psycho, that...just commandeered my mind and took the wheel. I...I..." She paused to exhale. "...Val, I almost brought our marriage to a standstill."

"...No," Val tenderly mollified, trying to put Donna's mind at ease.

Donna took a few steps in the opposite direction. "Well, you saw it: we just had our first married fight. And I totally brought it on. And it was over a freaking credit card!"

Valerie stood with her and took her hands. "Honey, stop beating yourself up! All married couples fight. Trust me, it was gonna happen sooner or later!"

She gave another soft chuckle. "If you didn't know before, yes, honey; we're gonna fight. A lot," she assured, gazing into Donna's damp eyes, trying to penetrate love into them.

"But all it means is that we love each other!" she smiled. "So look here: don't you ever worry about breaking us up. It is NOT gonna happen." She let go of Donna's hands and wiped both her cheeks dry. "I told you earlier, I'm not going anywhere."

Donna nodded. "I know...but I still just hate that I hurt you. I'm really sorry, Val."

"Well..." Valerie smirked lovingly. "Don't worry about that either. If it makes you feel any better, I inadvertently hurt you too, so we're even. And...y'know what, never mind the Kleenex. I think right now we could...just both really use some sleep, huh?"