Give Me a Reason Pt. 02

"And okay, but why didn't God tell me as well? Does God only speak to men? I remember the day it happened, we'd been at a church dance and I was feeling okay but a bit tired. I wanted to go home and just put my feet up but outside my house he came out with that line and I just stared at him and I didn't tell him there and then but I just thought, no he didn't."

"It's a common thing amongst Christian guys," Robyn intimated.

"A few said that to me as well and it was just Christian code for let's get married so we can fuck each other's brains out without going to hell. At least non Christian guys said the quiet bit out loud, the Christian guys are always trying to pretend they're something else."

"Exactly," Lindsay nodded, "you hit the nail on the bloody head."

Other women had their opinions, most were along similar lines to Melanie's advice and then she turned to me.

"So, what about you, Susan?"

"Me?" I blushed, "I'm much too young to."

"To what? Have an opinion?" Melanie raised her eyebrows, "I've raised three children and they all had very strong opinions about all sorts of things, you aren't any different. So, what do you think about the concept of a woman staying single by choice?"

I hesitated before answering.

"There isn't much to say. My dad was a missionary in the Philippines and he was of the opinion that a woman's place is in the home, even though mum works these days," I nudged my glasses.

"But he's never pushed that line because he's only produced daughters. My sisters are all with guys and my oldest has a couple of kids but I'm still looking around and thinking I should get with a guy but I can't think of a guy I want to be with. They're all so immature or they're older and trying to take control."

"Go on," Melanie encouraged me.

"I guess I'm still trying to make sense of it all," I replied, "there's a part of me that does want to be with a guy but the other part values my singleness, I don't have to wait for a guy to call because he doesn't call. Stephen, the guy I'm seeing at the moment is just a friend but that's a deliberate choice for me, I don't see myself staying with him."

"Why not?" Lindsay raised her wineglass, "he seems nice enough."

"And he is, but I hate his family. His dad is ex army and he treats his sons like his own private army if you know what I mean."

"I do," Lindsay smirked, "my dad was in the army for twenty six years and when he retired, he and mum got divorced within twelve months."

"But I liked what Alana said," I looked at her, "about finding out what you like, maybe I should do the same thing and stop worrying about it."

"Do you worry about it?" Robyn spoke up.

"Now and then I do but only because I get all dressed up for church or some function and turn up on my own and then feel like a wallflower for the whole night. I look at Shobi's boyfriend Adam and I kind of feel jealous or a bit envious. It's not like I'm lusting after him and even if he was, I wouldn't be the kind to let anything happen, but," I frowned.

"You'd like to meet someone like him?" Melanie spoke up.

"Yeah, he's easygoing and they have a really casual relationship. I'd like to meet a guy like him and then maybe I wouldn't feel like I was out of step with the rest of the world. All I meet though are the Christian guys and they seem so up themselves and insecure."

Lindsay chuckled at that and Alana smirked.

"It comes with time," Alana spoke up, "trust me, don't try to be something you're not and it's okay to admit all that too. I used to look at some of my girlfriends' husbands and wish that I could be with someone like them, the point is to stop feeling guilty for things we haven't done or situations that are beyond our control. Be you, not your housemate."

It was perhaps the most potent thing anyone's ever said to me but there was more from others and I tried to take it all in. I was the youngest women there but none of these older ladies talked down to me or made me feel as if I didn't fit in.

"All right," Melanie eyed Sigrid, "what about you, Sigrid?"

Sigrid eased forward to pick up a cup of coffee and had a sip.

"Me? I guess I was the root rat, from the get go. I was gay and keen to explore my sexuality and in the clubs and pubs I could almost always guarantee that I'd go home with someone. I don't know if I felt the same kind of pressure from women, although that being said I had to watch my step if I was talking to a woman who was in a relationship," she stared at the kitchen door.

"But my flings were almost always short lived. In my early twenties I made an effort to find love but I guess karma had caught up with me. I was drinking too much, I wasn't an alcoholic but I had no desire to slow down. In the end it was when I moved up here that things changed, I couldn't just get pissed in the city and drive all the way up here. I sat in my new house that the bank owned and like Alana said, tried to find myself. It wasn't until I started work at the Boronia branch with you that I finally found love," she nodded at Louise.

"I look back on my misspent youth and just shudder, it was wasted. I was chasing after something that couldn't be defined. I thought it was love but actually it was my own self worth. I defined my self worth according to other people's opinions and when you're both pissed it's fine but in the cold hard light of day it's different. I woke up lonelier that before and feeling ashamed. Time on my own was what brought me out of the club scene."

She had another mouthful of coffee.

"And it was that time on my own that really helped me, especially when I connected with Louise," she nodded at her, "I guess without being too New Age, I learned to love myself first."

I still remembered that last line years later because it was so potent. I didn't say anything but others did comment and then it was Louise's turn. She'd had a gay sister who died of cancer and a mother who was a virulent homophobe, to the extent she cut her surviving daughter out of her will when she too died a few years ago. Louise too had struggled with being single, feeling as if she was out of step with the rest of the world.

"I used to feel like that character in the Cold Chisel song, standing on the outside. I hadn't done an armed robbery of course, but the words kept running around my head. My younger sister was the party animal and I was the sensible older sister who didn't put out. I used to look at her and envy her for being able to just let go. I was always holding something back. My friends were married but I was still single and thinking there must be a loose wire somewhere up here," she tapped her head and managed a tired smile.

"I'd had good offers from decent men but couldn't let go, even when it came to Sigrid I felt as if I was out of control. I wanted her but singleness to me was a refuge, a place where I didn't have to do anything for anybody. In that way I guess I valued it until it became a rut and I was just going round in circles."

"So, what would the two of you tell your daughters? When they're older," Melanie asked.

The two women glanced at each other and smiled.

"For a start we'll tell them how it was for us as teenagers," Sigrid spoke up, "I guess they'll get the two sides to the argument. Yes, you can explore your sexuality but don't make it a contest, it's not a winner takes all race."

"And I'll tell them to grab a chance," Louise commented, "it's not as if your whole life depends on whether or not you say yes but as Sigrid said, "learn to love yourself first."

Other women chimed in with their comments and then Melanie moved onto other women but by the time the meeting was over I felt as if I'd come through something extraordinary. This hard lump had been sitting in my belly for years, the feeling that I didn't fit in, even after I moved out of home I felt as if I was out of step. Shobi has never rubbished my beliefs but I always felt as if I was trying to gain her approval. Hearing that other women had had the same problems was liberating and I can say that meeting certainly drove me further away from the church.

"It's not as if there's anything wrong with church," Robyn reassured me as Astrid and I tried on our new clothes, "I still believe our lives have a spiritual dimension. I don't know if God has a sexual identity but I know that there's a part of me that craves connection with something greater. You can call it whatever you want," she eyed me.

"That looks good."

"You think so?" I stood in front of the mirror.

I was wearing the pink pussybow blouse with the most daring skirt I'd ever known, a black leather mini skirt, it felt like a sin to wear something like this. Astrid had also ordered a black leather skirt but hers was knee-length.

"I do," Astrid gave me the once over, "I want one too now."

"Sure, we can do that," Robyn nodded, "you've reached your monthly limit but it's an introductory offer, so I'll throw that in for free. Just give us until the end of the week, we used up the last of the leather on those skirts," she glanced at me.

"But you've got one item left, you only ordered five. Care to order something else?"

"How about?" I turned to the clothes Astrid had ordered. She'd chosen a white blouse with waterfall ruffles, a white double-breasted blouse, a pink blouse and a black pinafore.

"Maybe this," I picked up the pink blouse, it had a princess collar and a narrow pleat on each side of the bodice, "but in white."

"Okay, sure," she glanced at Astrid, "tell you what, seeing as your girlfriend is getting something for free how's about I make something extra for you too?"

"Oh I couldn't," I blushed.

"Of course you could," she gestured at Astrid who was wearing the skirt and a cream-coloured satin tie blouse, "what about that blouse?"

"Um," I stared at Astrid, "okay, but only if it's not a problem."

"It's fine, it's not a problem. What colour?"

"White or cream?"

"White? Satin or polyester? Or silk," she turned to the materials rack.

"Satin," I replied, "thanks."

"Not a problem," she shrugged, "are you going to wear those clothes home or change again?"

"Let's wear them home," Astrid grinned cheekily.

Shobi was suitably impressed when we walked in forty five minutes later wearing different clothes and so was Adam I might add. She was particularly drawn to my mini skirt though.

"Oh my God, that is delicious. I want one."

"Too right, love," Adam put his arm around her, "but as long as I get to take it off you."

Astrid chuckled and I smiled. I look back on that memory with fondness. Wearing that skirt for the first time had affected me in ways I didn't realise at the time. It had a full-length zipper and it fitted like a glove. I can no longer wear it these days, I've put on a bit of extra weight but it's been put to one side for Anna when she's old enough.

Speaking of Anna I have to fill in a permission slip for a school excursion tomorrow. They're off to Puffing Billy and afterwards her best friend, Lisa is coming for a sleepover so I'll have to do some extra shopping tomorrow.

***

Okay, I'm back, twenty four hours later. Anna is in her bedroom with Lisa, one of her girlfriends, I like Lisa because on her second or third visit she blithely commented that she had two mums. Her mother is married to a woman and I've bumped into one or both of them whenever I drop Anna off at Lisa's house and that leads me onto the subject at hand, starting with jealousy.

You see I'd been exposed to gay women at that meeting and my housemate was gay but despite all the things I've mentioned before I wasn't quite ready to step over the line. Maybe it had something to do with my upbringing or my inexperience when it came to sex. I was a virgin back then, and the furthest I'd gone with a guy was just kissing, albeit in the living room at my parents' house. I did go to the next monthly meeting at Josie's house but after that I made an excuse not to go.

"I've got to study," I told Astrid and she accepted that excuse readily enough but I still had to ring Robyn and Penny, and explain why I couldn't go.

"I'm trying to take it all in," I explained to Robyn, "it's not like I'm gay, I'm just."

"It's cool," Robyn replied, "you're welcome at a meeting whenever you want, and I understand that it's a hard thing to consider. It was the same for me, but don't be a stranger and don't forget you can choose your next lot of clothes too, you've paid for them in advance."

"Thank you," I replied, "I'm sorry if I sound like a coward."

"You're not a coward, you're braver than you think and smarter than you realise."

I should have gone to that third meeting with Astrid because that's where she met her Kirstie, who'd been recommended by Lindsay.

Kirstie took the stereotype of the dumb blonde to its most extreme but years later I know it was all a game she played very well. She was a master manipulator with a mane of thick blonde hair that fell to the middle of her back, a generous bosom, well-rounded hips and a heart-shaped face.

Two days after that third meeting Kirstie called Astrid and asked her out on a date. It tickles me to remember that Astrid actually asked for my opinion before she called back to say yes.

"Hey, it's okay. Do you like her?"

"She's hot," she admitted, "but I've got my doubts, she's a bit dim for my liking."

"Not a dumb blonde, is she?"

"Well, maybe. She is blonde but she's also vulnerable."

"Well go out with her and see what you think," I suggested.

I wince at that because she took my advice and didn't come home from the date until the next day and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they'd fucked each other. Astrid didn't actually admit it until about three days later and by then I'd resolved myself to the fact that she was totally into her. A week later I met Kirstie for the first time when she came over. I could see why Astrid liked her, I liked her as well, on a physical level but her intellect seemed a little lacklustre. She giggled a lot and talked about music, movies, fashion and makeup. To my concern she even played up to Shobi and myself, in a playful way but Astrid seemed totally stricken by her.

Looking back though at why I suggested she go out with Kirstie I can see that it was avoidance, it meant I could safely put it on the back burner as we say here. Fortunately or not, depending on your viewpoint it didn't stay there and I had a ringside seat to lesbian passion for the first two weeks. I'd walk into the living room to find them pashing on and Kirstie would break away and smile and put on a Miss Innocence look. She'd do the same whenever Shobi came into the room a day or two later and when Shobi told her that there was no need to hide what she was doing, Kirstie stopped coming around.

Instead, Astrid would go to her place two or three times a week and all weekend too and we got four weeks of peace before Kirstie suddenly got a bad head cold and asked her to stay away for the rest of the week. Astrid actually seemed relieved and we slowly reconnected but on the Monday Kirstie told her she needed another week to recover from the cold but they arranged to go out to a school-themed night at the Pier Hotel in Frankston.

"It's timed to coincide with the British school year," Astrid explained as we went shopping in Coles New World that night, "you dress up in school uniform or like a teacher and get pissed."

"Sounds like a good idea," I picked up a bag of potatoes.

"You should come too," she nudged me.

"Me?" I stared at her, "I don't have a school uniform."

"Neither do I, but I've got a white blouse, a tie and a skirt, it's varied. As long as it looks like it might have been a school uniform you're in, or you could be a teacher but I'd love you to come out with us."

"Maybe," I pushed the trolley, "but what about Kirstie, will she mind?"

"Hey, you're my friend, it's fine," she reassured me.

"Okay, I'll come then," I shrugged.

Sounds simple, right? It is simple when you're dealing with well-balanced people but Kirstie was not what I'd call stable. When Astrid told her she'd invited me the next day Kirstie hit the roof and cancelled the night out altogether.

"I don't understand?" Shobi raised her eyebrows as Astrid ended the call, "what's the big fucking deal? She's going out with Kirstie, not you."

I blushed and nudged my glasses as I looked at Astrid whose face had turned pale and then she let out a loud, "fucking bitch," and threw the phone across the room. It hit the wall but in those days phones were a lot more robust, the back fell off and the battery popped out but it still worked and as I picked the pieces up Astrid got up and stormed out into the backyard.

I heard another, "fuck, fuck, fuck," as I put the phone back together and I glanced at Shobi.

"I think she just got a break up text," Shobi rolled her eyes.

"Can't people just do it in a phone call or face to face?"

"Welcome to the twenty first century," she smirked.

It was at that moment as I sat looking at her phone in my hand that I made a decision that would change everything for me forever and to this day I can't tell you why. Was it anger that Kirstie had acted so childishly? Did I have a crush on Astrid? Or was I merely trying to heal things? I think it's probably a mixture of all three things, although the second one was still an unspoken thought at that point in time.

"Fuck this," I stood up.

"Wow," Shobi's eyes lit up, "I've never heard that word come out of your mouth."

"Times change, it's the twenty first fucking century," I turned and walked out of the room.

I met Astrid at the back door, she was just coming back in and I handed the phone over to her.

"Thanks," she mumbled, "sorry about before, that was childish."

"No it wasn't and if it was then she's the child," I stepped aside as she walked past me, "I'd still like to go out on next Saturday night."

She kept walking but then stopped at the door as I grabbed her arm.

"Didn't you hear me, I said I'll be your date next Saturday night."

Astrid turned and stared at me and I gathered up what remained of my resolve.

"I said I'll come out with you. If she's going to throw a hissy fit then fuck her. You asked me out to this thing and I was looking forward to going and I still want to go, so what do you say?"

"Oh," she looked past me, "oh, um, are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. Do you?"

"Um, yes, okay. Sorry," she pulled away, "I need to say sorry to Shobi."

I let her go but followed her a few seconds later, pausing only to detour to the kettle. I figured a cup of coffee would be a good diversion for everyone. I heard Shobi reassuring her that she hadn't done anything wrong and then half a minute later they both came into the kitchen.

"So, you're going to the Pier with her instead?"

"Yeah, I am," I replied, "I just have to find a tie and maybe a school skirt."

"You could always ask Robyn," Astrid suggested.

"Good idea," I flicked the switch on the kettle.

"I might come along too, Adam is playing football next Saturday but it's an away game and he'll be too busy getting pissed."

"I might give Robyn a call then," I replied, "you could come up with me if you want," I looked over at Shobi and she shrugged.

"No, it's cool, I've got one of Adam's ties and I've got plenty of white shirts and grey skirts."

I called Robyn that night and to my surprise she suggested I come up the next day and she'd sort out my 'school uniform,' and with that being said I have to get to bed.

***

It's been a few days since I've last looked at this but I've got a good excuse. My visa for Europe has been approved and to be honest it floored me. I mean there was slim chance I'd be rejected but there have been moments where I thought this can't happen, they're never going to approve a single mum and her daughter. But enough of that, I'm getting way ahead of myself and so it's back to the story, in the last section I talked about Lindsay, Kirstie and Shobi and as fate would have it I met Lindsay at Robyn's house the following day.