Give Me a Reason Pt. 02

"I don't really care about that to be honest," I walked into the kitchen, "I'm not a big drinker."

"But you do drink though," Astrid opened a cupboard door, "fancy a Southern and Coke?"

"Yeah, why not?" I shrugged.

I could write more but I really need to get to bed so I'll leave the rest until tomorrow.

***

Alright, I'm back but it's been three days since I last sat down to write and it's not as if I haven't had time, I'm on my last week of work before a three week vacation prior to flying out but I really wanted to think carefully before writing about that Saturday night.

I drove up to Penny and Robyn's place to order some new clothes, I'm officially back on a clothing plan nowadays and we got to talking about our first sexual experiences. I was genuinely surprised to discover that her first sexual experience was so similar to mine in that it didn't end in a climax. She went on to tell me about her first three experiences which were almost the same but she counts them as being sex even though there was no orgasm.

"It was very much a learning curve for me. I started out as an absolute virgin. I'd never had sex and suddenly I was pashing on with women and then backing off at the last minute. I never walked into a woman's house and consciously thought about having sex. For me it was all very innocent, testing the waters so to speak and before I knew it things escalated. It still amazes me that I pushed three women away and one woman pushed me away."

"Why did you push them away?" I wanted to know.

"In the back of my mind I had this fantasy about my first time, like many of us."

We talked a lot more about it, coming out, denying your own desires and other issues as well. I can continue with my quarterly clothing plan apparently. I hadn't realised that when Sigrid and Louise returned from Denmark back in 2012 that they'd set up an importer in Copenhagen. They've got an office in Stockholm and Oslo too apparently, so I'll be able to stock up on clothes once I'm there, which cuts down on baggage I s'pose!

Okay, I'm rambling and now it's onto that Saturday night or should I say 'the' Saturday night when everything changed and I could never go back to the person I was.

Referring back to Robyn's experiences, I can see at least one difference. She was always sober despite being offered alcohol. There's a zero alcohol limit for probationary drivers and she didn't want to chance losing her licence. I was tipsy and that was new for me. I'd had alcohol at a chicken and champagne breakfast the week we all finished high school. It's an Aussie tradition and don't ask me why!

Thus, drinking wasn't something I'd done seriously before believe it or not. It felt forbidden to sit with a bottle of Southern comfort and a bottle of Coke, and a Pink mix playing on the stereo. Astrid was a little down because of the way Kirstie had treated her and I was sympathetic.

"I never really liked her," I confessed as we sat on the couch half an hour later.

"Why not? You said it was a good idea at the time."

"I know but that was before I knew her, I just thought," I trailed away.

"Thought what?" Astrid poked my belly, "that maybe we'd work things out?"

"Kind of," I replied, "but then you kind of dropped off the scene, you were hardly here."

"She's possessive like that. Kirstie is a bit of a green eyed monster. Did you miss me?"

"Yeah," I sank back against the back of the couch, "I did, there I've admitted it."

"Thanks," she too sank back against the couch and touched my hand, "I missed you too."

I grabbed her hand and we sat there for the better part of two minutes or thereabouts drinking and just staring at the television, which was on mute. Pink was singing, Just Give Me A Reason but then she let go of my hand.

"Sorry," she sat up and drained her drink.

I didn't reply as I looked down at her hand and then I pulled her cuff back to show the watch, it was a chunky timepiece that always looked expensive and she put her glass down.

"I've always liked your watch," I touched the watch.

Astrid giggled.

"What's so funny?" our eyes met.

"You, I go to all this trouble to get dressed up," she tugged at her blouse, "and you like my watch," she tapped my hand.

I smiled too and pulled it around to access the clip but she undid it for me.

"Where'd you get it?"

"It was a present from my mother."

"Your mor," I held the watch up for a closer look.

Astrid giggled again.

"Wow, you actually sounded like a Dane just then."

"I did? Maybe that's the trick to learning Danish, get pissed," I raised my glass and drained it.

"You've probably got a point there, it's not a party until the Danes show up."

I leaned forward and put the watch on the coffee table and studied it as Astrid poured another drink for us both. It was a Skagen watch with a grey face and grey metal band.

"Skagen, is that Danish?"

"Um, yes," she pointed to the name, "Skagen Denmark."

"Oh," I chuckled as I read the smaller text, "of course, I must be pissed."

"You are tipsy, I've never seen you like this before."

"I'm not really a drinker," I had another mouthful of bourbon, "so this is the first time for me, the first time I've been to a club, the first time some chick came onto me."

I had another mouthful and put the glass down, "first time I've been on a date with a lesbian."

"Ooh, be careful. You might lose your virginity," she undid my watch.

I winced and then smirked as I had some more bourbon and we sat drinking for a couple of minutes and then I spoke again.

"So, what do you think of me?"

"What do you mean? As a housemate? A friend? A woman?"

"A woman," I had another mouthful of Southern and leaned back against the couch, "I'm a born again Christian, an art student, but I feel as if I'm not a real woman."

"Hey," she nudged me, "don't say that about yourself, not now, not ever. You've got your own story and your own perspective. There's nothing wrong with being a Christian, my mother is a priest and you can't get more Christian than that."

I turned towards her, expecting her to have a sarcastic smile but she wasn't smiling and a moment later I leaned forward and kissed her cheek.

"Thank you," I pulled back slightly.

Astrid turned towards me and stared into my eyes. I almost sank back against the back of the couch again but then I brushed my lips across hers and she flinched slightly but when our lips broke free I was still inches from her mouth. I looked down at the floor and then my drink, trying to gather my composure or break the spell, I have no idea what I was trying to do. I recall the feel of her hand on my cheek and when I turned back to her she was smiling crookedly.

"Du kyssede mig to gange."

She followed that up with the translation, 'you kissed me, twice.'

I didn't reply and she leaned over to kiss me gently on the lips. It was supposed to be a mere peck but I opened my mouth slightly and so it went further than a quick kiss. Our lips remained locked together for a few more seconds before she pulled back and looked down at her drink.

"We probably shouldn't do this."

"Why not?" I was genuinely confused and tipsy!

"We share a house together," she explained, "it can get complicated."

"Oh," I digested this news in silence and felt the colour rising in my cheeks, a moment later Astrid kissed my cheek.

"It's not because I don't like you, I do but it changes things. We'd be in a relationship and at the end of the year I'm going back to Denmark."

"You're going back home?"

"Yes," and this time it was her turn to blush, "they won't extend my visa unless I leave for twelve months and reapply from Denmark. I've only just found out a couple of weeks ago."

"The bastards," I exhaled.

"It's the way it is here," she replied, "I agree but if I try to stay on I'll get deported and have to wait even longer before I can come back."

I felt anger at that and I still do. Our immigration system is an inhumane one, and it doesn't matter which party is in power, the Liberals or Labour, they all bow to the Murdoch press. It's one of the reasons I took this job at Citizens Advice. It was my way of lashing out at the faceless bureaucrats who rule over the many from their ivory towers in that bloody cesspit Canberra. Fun fact, Canberra is actually named after an Aboriginal word for rubbish dump.

"That's just hypocritical, they used to hunt Aboriginals here, we're the invaders," I had some more bourbon and leaned against the back of the couch again.

Astrid stared blankly into space and then she raised her glass.

"To the revolution."

"How do you say that in Danish?"

"Længe leve revolutionen," she grinned.

I giggled and tried to repeat it but stumbled over the last word and we drank to a revolution with no manifesto, just a contempt for bureaucracy and then we had another drink to something else and by the time I reached the bottom of the glass I was feeling bolder. I'd had three so far.

"I need to go for a piss," she rose, "be back soon."

I merely nodded and stared at the tv. Her sudden admission had hit me hard and I felt a wave of emotion flooding through me and for a few moments I thought I'd burst into tears but then the sensation faded and I felt empty and torn. She had wormed her way into my life in a way that not even Shobi could do but admitting my feelings for her would have serious consequences. For a start I'd have to front up to my family although I was pretty confident I could put that off for a while yet. The church however was another matter, it'd been my spiritual home for a few years and I always felt a sense of belonging when I was there. They weren't as judgemental as many other churches. The Americanisation of the churches here has been truly catastrophic, it's an American import we can well do without.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Um, yeah," I nudged my glasses as she sat down beside me again, "just thinking about you going back to Denmark because of our stupid laws."

"It sucks, I know but unfortunately it's something I've got to do. We can fight some rules but others are not so easy."

I turned towards her and putting my elbow on the top of the couch, propped on my palm, I played with the hem of my kilt as I tried to think of a sensible answer but everything was muddled and as she turned to face me our eyes met. I tugged at a lock of her hair, she smiled crookedly and I leaned forward and kissed her gently on the lips.

It was meant to be a light peck but then she opened her mouth slightly and I instinctively followed along and opened mine too. She pushed lightly against me and I reciprocated, feeling an odd sense of abandonment as I gave everything I could muster into that kiss. We broke free momentarily and then kissed again and this time I definitely felt light-headed and when we broke free my vision had become slightly blurry at the periphery. My mouth felt a little dry and I dropped my right arm to the top of the couch and looked past her as I tried to find a way to describe this feeling.

I nudged my glasses again and blinked. Astrid had an odd smile on her face. We looked at each other again and she leaned forward to kiss me but then pulled back. She brought her hand up to my chin and kept it there for a moment and leaned in for a kiss but then pulled back again. Once again she leaned over but this time I was ready and grabbing her neck planted my lips onto hers and our mouths opened. I pushed against her, feeling the softness of her lips and her tongue and when we parted I blinked rapidly and exhaled.

"Hmm," she murmured and when I raised my eyebrows she shook her head, "different."

She kissed me again and I dropped my left hand to her waist but brought my other hand across to her shoulder as the kiss turned more passionate. I have blurry memories of the next fifteen minutes but I know it was that long because I'd looked at the clock when she came back from the toilet, it was 10:05. By the time I looked again it was 10:25.

Oddly enough, she'd barely touched my body. It was just kissing but as we parted again, she slid her fingers up the edge of my cardigan to my shoulder.

"I haven't seen this before," she murmured.

"That's because I didn't have it before," I looked down at her hand, "Robyn gave it to me."

"Aha, now the truth is revealed," she drew her finger down my front, using her fingernail to good effect, "did she make it?"

"No, it um, it belonged to someone called Helen."

"An old girlfriend?" Astrid slid her finger up the other side of the cardigan.

"Something like that I think," I touched my glasses again.

"I like it," she drew her hand down to the top button and fingered it.

A moment later she pushed it through the buttonhole and my eyes flickered as I registered that it had come undone.

I thought she was going to undo the second button but instead she dropped her hand to my knee and brought her other hand down to my leg. She lifted my leg as she pushed my right knee towards the back of the couch and I rose to make it easier and lifted my left leg onto the couch as well and knelt in front of her.

For a moment nothing happened and then she changed position and knelt as well and leaned over for a series of teasing kisses, each one seemed slightly longer than the last although I'm a bit fuzzy about that to be honest. Suffice it to say however that I didn't resist when she undid the next button on my cardigan to deepen the vee. When the third button came undone though I grabbed her wrists and stared into her eyes. She hesitated before kissing me again, forcing my mouth open for a long, passionate kiss that ratcheted the tension up another notch.

I felt the button sliding through the buttonhole while we were kissing and as the kiss ended Astrid undid the fourth button. I let go of her wrists as she reached the fifth button and eased it through the buttonhole. The cardigan fell open and she eyed my satin blouse, a crooked smile nudged her lips as she flicked her fingernails over it.

"Nice," she murmured, "I like it."

"You do?" My voice felt as if it came from outside myself and she nodded as she slid her hands up my front to the tie, she fingered it briefly before sliding her hands across my shoulders and under the cardigan. I looked to one side as she massaged my shoulders and closed my eyes as she exerted pressure on tired muscles.

"Ooh, you're a bit tight there," she kept massaging my shoulders and I arched my back slightly to give her better access and pulled the cardigan off my shoulders but didn't try to remove it. I felt a mixture of anxiety and pleasure, I distinctly remember that now I think about it. It was the first time I'd let a woman undo anything I was wearing but it wasn't the first time I'd been massaged by a woman. In fact I rather preferred getting a massage from a woman because you knew it wouldn't go any further than that.

I only opened my eyes when I felt her tugging at the cardigan. It slid down to my elbows and then she let go of one side and pulled a sleeve over my hand. Our eyes met as she repeated the process on the other sleeve and then she pulled the garment away and dropped it behind her and out of my reach. A sly smile nudged her lips as she grabbed my hands and leaned over for another kiss that lasted the better part of thirty seconds. Halfway through the kiss she shifted closer so that she was partially straddling me. It felt dangerous but not overly so, I was a bit out of breath though when the kiss finally ended.

I felt heady but I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol, arousal, or maybe both. She raised my hands and rested my wrists on her shoulders and I slid my hands through her hair, it was all I was capable of in that moment. Everything was new, I'd never been this far with a guy before let alone a woman. Part of me felt as if I was falling into an abyss and another part felt as if I was flying.

Astrid slid her fingers up between my breasts and then to my shoulderblades and my neck. She tickled my earlobes and I winced. A smile nudged her lips as she spoke quietly.

"Oh, you liked that."

I exhaled and she kept doing that for a minute or two and then leaned in for another series of teasing kisses that left me hungry for more. She finally opened her mouth and gave me a passionate kiss as she brought her hands down my front. I felt her fingernails dragging along the edges of my cups and an instant later she grabbed my breasts and squeezed them. I pulled back and my breath came out in a rush as I looked down. There had been no warning and yet I should've expected it I realised an instant later. She stared at me as she kept massaging my breasts. She told me later she was waiting for me to push her hands away.

Astrid dragged her thumbnails over my nipples and a low whimper escaped my lips as I savoured this delicious sensation. She kept it up for a few more minutes and my breathing became shallower and more pronounced. I felt even more anxious to be honest and yet I never pushed her hands away.

Astrid slid her hands up my front, using her fingernails to good effect until she got to my tie and a finger slid into the knot to loosen it. Slowly and deliberately, she pulled some of the tie out of the knot and I stared as more of the tie slid out until finally the knot was undone.

The tie unravelled and I suddenly let my breath out. It surprised both her and I because I wasn't aware I'd been holding my breath. She slicked the tie back and forth against the back of my neck and then let go of it and raised her hands instead to her own tie. A cheeky grin spread over her face as she tugged at it and cocked her head to one side. I didn't move until she grabbed one of my hands and wrapped my fingers around the tie.

The implication was obvious but I still hesitated as I brought my other hand down and slowly slid the satiny material through the knot. With the benefit of hindsight I can see why she did that, she was getting me to copy her movements, which broke down one of my internal barriers. The tie slid out of the knot and unravelled. I breathed in and out slowly as I tightened my grip on it and our lips met again in another passionate kiss.

As we parted however she grabbed my wrists and rested them on top of her shoulders again and pulled her tie off, mine followed suit shortly afterwards and they both wound up behind her. A sly smile nudged her lips as she slid her fingers up the placket, folding it back to reveal the buttons and I thought she was going to undo my exposed top button but instead she dropped her hand down the placket again.

She repeated this once more before undoing her own top button. I bit my lip as her collar sprang apart and she stroked her throat slowly. I thought she was going to undo her blouse but instead she slid her hands up my placket to my top button and tugged at it. She cocked her head to one side and raised her eyebrows, waiting for a sign but I didn't move.

She pulled at the button and twisted it slightly as she eased it through the buttonhole and my collar opened up to form a shallow vee. I let my breath out slowly and she caressed my neck and throat with soft spiderlike touches. She slid her fingers down my placket and I followed her progress as she reached the waistband of my kilt. I'd worn a belt with it and she fingered the buckle for a few moments and then leaned over and putting her hands on my breasts, pushed up and straightened herself at the same time. I rose with her and she slid her hands up to my throat.

"Do you want to?"

I didn't need to ask for clarification, I knew what she was asking but my mind had gone blank, this had escalated so quickly I'd had no time to implement my exit strategy. Admittedly it'd always been a rather hasty lecture about saving myself for marriage but I'd never had to use it and at this point it seemed rather lame. I looked down as she dropped her hands and folded back the placket to reveal the second button.