Give Me a Reason Pt. 03

Astrid chuckled.

"You can learn a lot from porn."

"Like what?"

"Like," she held my hand, "women always leave their high heels on when they have sex, They love it when a guy sprays cum on their face or slaps their face with his penis and if two girls are having sex and a guy walks into the room, they'll stop and ask him to join in."

She turned towards me as she finished and then burst out laughing.

"The look on your face," she let go of my hand, "you thought I was serious."

"Um," I nudged my glasses, "I was just trying to picture it."

"It's a joke," she touched my hand again, "I've just told you the most common things you'll see on a porn video to show that those videos are never realistic. You have these guys with huge penises trying to stay erect, a guy who's that big can't stay hard for long or he'll pass out."

"Oh," I looked down at her hand as she grabbed it again, "well that kills that idea, I thought I was missing out on something."

"Some of the lesbian ones are a bit more realistic but they're all acting though."

I squeezed her hand and she reciprocated and then we both fell silent. I think we must have sat like that for the better part of five minutes before I let go of her hand and pulled the cuff of her blouse down a little. She looked down as I pulled the cuff around to look at the two-button fastening and I felt the material.

"I like this blouse... how do you say it in Danish?"

"Jeg kan godt lide denne bluse," she replied, "and in Swedish it's, jag gillar den här blusen."

"I think I could almost say it in Swedish, I can hear the vowels."

"We don't like vowels in Denmark," she replied, "the Swedes joke that when we talk it sounds like we have a potato in our mouth."

"Jag gillar," I closed my eyes.

"Den, this" she nudged my leg with her knee, "här, here," she touched the cuff, "blusen. Blusen is the blouse but a blouse is en blus."

I opened my eyes and touched the sleeve.

"Jag gillar den här blusen."

"Fint," she grinned.

I let go of her hand but brought my other hand around to measure against hers. She told me later I had a look of intense concentration as if this was vitally important information. Astrid kept her hand against mine for a few seconds and then shifted around to kneel at my side. I let go and looked at her blouse. She hadn't worn the detachable tie that came with it.

"Why didn't you wear the tie today?" I fingered her collar.

"Did you want me to wear it?"

"Not particularly, I was just curious."

"It's a Nordic thing," she replied, "we don't like standing out, what is the word? Ostentatious, we don't like to be ostentatious," she finished.

"Fair enough but there's no need to downplay your natural beauty," I slid my hand up to her cheek and looked at her, "if you've got it flaunt it."

"I love that saying," she rested her hand on my wrist and then fingered my collar, "I haven't worn my one yet."

My eyes shifted as she tugged at the sleeve. I turned towards her, lifting my left knee and resting it on her legs. I felt her hair and she lowered her eyelids as I played with it but neither of us made any move that could be interpreted as a come on. That all changed a few seconds later when she cradled my cheek in her hand and I leaned into it, I can recall now that I felt a vague sense of anxiety at the time. She moved her hand through my hair and I closed my eyes. When I opened them she leaned over and I reciprocated but instead of kissing her I leaned my forehead against hers and exhaled slowly. Memories from last night arose and I hooked my hand around her neck and we rubbed our noses together.

There was a brief moment when our lips touched but then I pulled back and bit my lip, unsure of my next move and yet feeling as if one of us had to initiate something. It only occurred to me, based on our conversation that morning that she was probably just as nervous as me. Thus, it was me who gave her a light teasing kiss on the lips first. I pulled back instantly but Astrid slid her hand behind my neck and guided me back for another kiss. This second one wasn't like the first because Astrid opened her mouth as our lips touched and I just followed along.

I felt a sudden giddiness and as she broke free I opened my eyes and blinked. My peripheral vision was a little blurry and my pulse was quicker. I licked my lips and kissed her in return, opening my mouth at the same time.

I'm not sure how long we stayed in that position, just exchanging light, teasing kisses, but it was long enough for me to get a cramp in my knee, which was resting on her legs. I tried to shift back further but Astrid pushed my left knee back down and guided me to a kneeling position with my back to the bedhead.

We stared at each other for a few seconds, my breathing was shallower and although my vision had cleared I felt a little fuzzy. It was a strange disconnected feeling that was unfamiliar to me at the time, I know it now as arousal. Astrid moved forward on her knees and pulling at her skirt, opened her legs and sat with one knee resting on each side of my legs.

She took my face in her hands and I grabbed her wrists and closed my eyes and as our lips touched I opened my mouth. She opened hers and my head swam as I pushed back against her, feeling guilty and turned on at the same time. My grip tightened and she broke free, I exhaled loudly and felt the flush in my cheeks. I blinked to clear my vision and she brushed her lips against mine again. I tilted my head and before long our lips were once again locked together.

I half expected her to put her hands up my skirt and I have no idea where that came from, perhaps one too many movies but we kissed for the better part of ten minutes. It might have been less, or more but at some point we stopped for a break. By then I felt the weakness in my belly and the soreness in my nipples and I was warm all over. I also felt anxious, not knowing if this was going to go further and if it did, would I enjoy it?

I frowned as I grabbed the edges of her cardigan. It was a longish garment with an attached belt and a couple of buttons. She hadn't buttoned it but the belt was fastened in a loose knot and she pushed my hands down to the belt and then let go of them. I looked down and hesitated but then untied the knot and let the belt hang limply. She grabbed the cardigan and eased it off her shoulders, I helped her take it off and she tossed it to one side and fluffed out her hair. She had a playful look on her face as she slid her fingers up my legs to my belt.

For the second time in less than twenty four hours I thought of my excuse for not continuing with this because I was saving myself for marriage. It'd seemed lame when I was drunk but in the cold light of day with a clear head it was even more ridiculous. Helping Astrid remove her cardigan had been but one boundary I'd crossed in the last twenty minutes or so. Pashing on with her had also been a boundary and sitting on my bed with her was yet another, there were so many red flags and flashing lights from years of lectures at youth groups.

Now that the moment had arrived however I felt frozen, and she sensed it too because she fiddled with my belt and then slid the belt end past the keeper. She stared at me as she pulled it against the buckle. The prong popped out and I looked down as she pulled the belt free of the buckle. I grabbed her forearms as she slid the belt past the keepers. She worked slowly as she stared into my eyes. The Christian part of me thought I should say no but it was fighting a losing battle against the part that wanted nothing more than to shake the shackles loose.

The belt slid out of the last keeper and she dropped it behind her and sliding her fingers behind the waistband, she leaned over for another long and lingering kiss. By the time she finally broke free I had reached a new level of arousal, my breathing was deeper and I felt slight dampness between my legs. Astrid tickled my belly through the blouse, using her fingernails to good effect and I shivered. She glanced up at me and raised her eyebrows as she kept tickling.

"Ticklish?"

"A little," I exhaled.

Her touch became firmer and she moved up to my breasts. I remember staring at her hands as they rose and then she pushed against them and I inhaled sharply. Her fingernails slid over my nipples and I let out a sudden, "oh," and looked at her. She smiled crookedly and did it again, drawing her thumbnails back and forth against my nipples. It was something I'd done to myself in the past but always felt guilty about. Now I was letting another woman do it and it felt liberating.

Astrid massaged my breasts slowly and methodically, taking time to ensure that I was comfortable with her touch. My breathing became deeper and more pronounced. I desperately wanted this to keep going but I was still anxious. I had little knowledge about sex at all, asides from sex education classes at school, which were notoriously dull and tedious and my dad always went on a rant about the evils of sex education. When Astrid grabbed my hands and placed them over her breasts I felt a rush of blood to the head, I was sure I was as red as a beetroot but when I looked at our reflection in the mirror there was little evidence of that.

Her breasts were a little smaller than mine and firm to the touch. Her eyes widened slightly as I felt them and she smiled crookedly as she caressed my forearms and hands. However, just as she raised her hands to the topmost button on my blouse my phone rang. We both froze and looked over at the bedside table. I'd upgraded to my first smartphone a month or so earlier and she nodded at it as she lowered her hands.

"Do you want to?"

I nodded and she leaned over and grabbed it for me. I stared at the name on the screen, Anne and tapped the screen.

"Hiya," I spoke a moment later, "what's up?"

"Oh hiya, I was just wondering why you didn't go into church today? I saw your car there."

"Oh," I bit my lip, "I was feeling a bit under the weather, I had a few drinks last night."

"Are you okay? Do you want me to drop in? I'm just on my way to Ringwood but I can detour to your place if you want."

"Um no, it's fine," I replied, "but thank you for thinking of me."

"Not a problem. I was just checking on you. God bless."

I farewelled her and stared at the screen.

"That's Anne," I swiped the screen and tapped the mute icon, "from church."

"And?"

"She saw my car at church but didn't see me in church," I put the phone down, "she just wanted to know if I was okay, I'm sorry about that."

"Why?" Astrid leaned back on her hands, "we needed a break anyway and I need a piss too."

I digested this news in silence and looked at the mirrors.

"But if you want to take a longer break?"

I turned back to her and she smirked.

"It's cool," she went on, "no one says you have to go all the way, that's the great thing about being with women. It doesn't always have to end in sex, let alone an orgasm, just kissing and cuddling is an experience."

She slid backwards and cocked her head to one side.

"So, have a think about while I'm in the toilet."

I would like to say that I had some great moral debate while she was in the toilet but as I've said in previous sections, the schism between the church and I had become ever wider with each year. It'd appeared the year I went to state school, albeit muted but as I got older I saw more evidence that the non Christians weren't nihilists or cowering in fear. They lived their lives to the full, they fell in and out of love, made friends and started careers. None of them looked down on others for their sexual orientation, financial status, or the colour of their skin. It's somewhat ironic but the best Christians I ever met were atheists and agnostics, they embodied Christian values far better than I or any of the people at church could do.

I remember staring at my belt now, I'd let her take it off and that for me was a sign that there was no turning back. I know it sounds silly reading over what I've written but I was young, naïve and I can assure you, I've gone further with men since then and walked out without having sex. Thus, when Astrid came back into the bedroom with a vibrator and some lubricant I was still sitting in the same position. Our eyes met and mine widened as I saw the size of the vibrator.

"We don't have to use it if you don't want," she put the items on the bedside table.

"I don't think that'd fit inside me," I bit my lip.

"You'd be surprised what fits," she knelt on the bed, "we expand to fit a baby's head, so that will fit just fine if you feel like it," she crawled towards me.

"But how do you feel? Eager? Anxious? Curious? Confused?"

"All of the above," I admitted as she came to a halt in front of me, "we did sex education in school but I hated those classes."

"Why? Were you embarrassed?"

"Kind of," I nudged my glasses, "dad used to go on a rant about sex education, he used to say I was being brain washed by gay Communists."

"Oh," she reached out to flick at my hair, "those beastly Communist lesbians, trying to take over the world again. When will they ever learn?"

She rested her hands on my shoulders.

"Do you want to know the secret of good sex?"

"Um, sure, okay," I blinked as I felt the colour in my cheeks.

"I'll give you a hint. It has nothing to do with watching pornos on the Internet or looking at dirty pictures in magazines but it does start with education, which is why your dad was so angry at the sex education classes," she brought her hands up to my ears.

"It starts with communication, I ask you if you like it when I do this," she stroked my earlobes, "and you say yes or no," she paused and I shivered slightly, "yes?"

"Yes, I mean, yes, I like it when you do that."

"The biggest mistake people make when having sex is assuming they know what the other person likes. After my dad got sober and went to Alcoholics Anonymous he learned to talk to my mother and their marriage improved. They were on the verge of separating before that," she drew her hands down the edge of my bra.

"The most erogenous part of your body is not your breasts or your vagina, it's your mind," she slid her hands back up to my head, "you imagine sex with someone else and your brain does the rest and you start to feel aroused," she rested her hands on my shoulders.

"It's just basic chemistry. You tell me what you like or you ask me if I like something, sex is about giving yourself to the other person and taking time to make them feel good."

She cocked her head to one side.

"Do you have any questions?"

I had a million questions from what is an orgasm to how do I know if a woman likes me but all I could manage was a half murmured, "um, I liked it when you undressed me."

"Oh," Astrid took my hands and rested them on her shoulders.

"I think we can manage that but if you're not sure about something just say stop and I'll stop," she slid her hands down my arms and then brushed my sides.

I thought she was going to go further and put her hands under my skirt but instead she scratched her way back and forth along my belly. I looked down and eased my hands forward and slid them into her hair, I tickled her earlobes and her eyes shifted.

"I like that," she murmured.

I did it again, she was wearing Celtic style earrings and I flicked them lightly as she drew her hands up the edge of my blouse. She reached my shoulders and undid the necklace, the beaded accessory fell like a stone into my lap and she brushed it aside and slid her hands up to my breasts. I sucked my breath in as she massaged them again and she smirked.

"Do you like that?"

"I do," I exhaled suddenly.

"Good," she rubbed my nipples through the blouse and bra, "the soreness you feel is blood filling your nipples."

I blushed at that because it's probably something we learned in sex education but I'd forgotten it in the intervening years. Her hands rose higher and she reached the topmost button on the outer row and raised her eyebrows as she rubbed it. My eyes shifted and I looked down as she slid the button through the buttonhole and out the other side. She pulled the flap down to form an inverted vee and drew her right hand down to the next button and tickled my throat with the other.

The second button came undone and the inverted vee deepened. She palmed her way along the edge of the vee and tickled my earlobes again for a minute or so. I closed my eyes and reciprocated but my movements were much slower and definitely awkward. A minute or so later I opened them as I felt her tugging at the third button on the other row and watched it sliding through the buttonhole, the lopsided vee became deeper and I swallowed hard. My heart skipped a beat when she slid her hands down to my waistband and then behind it. She kept it there for a few seconds and I thought she was going to go deeper.

Astrid pulled her hand out and moved back up to the fourth button on the outer row and twisted it to slip the button loose. The flap was hanging loosely and she palmed it as she slid her hand up to my shoulders and into my hair. I closed my eyes slowly as she tickled my earlobes, cheeks and neck but as they descended down the edge of the inverted vee they fluttered open and I let my breath out as they reached the fifth button. It came undone and she moved down to the sixth button. At that point she looked at me and once again raised her eyebrows as she fiddled with it. I exhaled again, I was very conscious of my shallow breathing.

The button came undone and Astrid slid her hands up to my breasts for another massage that lasted a minute or so. I rose and fell in time with her movements and my breathing quickened.

"Did you like that?"

I nodded and let out a low whimper and Astrid brought her hands up to the topmost button on the inner row. She pushed it through the buttonhole and pulled the material across to create a shallow vee. I looked up as she tickled my throat and neck, the blouse strained against the second button as she did so and my eyes fell with her hands a few moments later as she twisted the second button and eased it through the buttonhole. The vee became deeper and she brushed my bare skin with feathery movements, her touch was light enough to excite the nerve endings in my skin.

A third button came undone shortly afterwards and the vee became deeper and wider. She spent a bit more time teasing my skin with those spiderlike touches before inching the fourth button out of the buttonhole to reveal the top of my white bra. I vaguely recall a surge of guilt, it must have been the remnants of some sermon but I don't remember which one. There were so many!

She spread the blouse out as far as possible to expose my bra and then rubbed my nipples slowly and rhythmically. My breathing became more intense as she worked, short in and out breaths and I rose slightly and arched my back to increase the pressure.

I knew then that this was going all the way, without the so-called talk. I'd heard girls at work talk about that but I'd come in at the tail end of a conversation. Astrid brushed her fingers up my front and then brought them back down to undo the last two buttons and pull the front of the blouse part of the way out of my kilt.

I looked down at my exposed front, feeling guilty and excited at the same time, an odd combination but there you have it. Astrid rested her hands on my arms and stared into my eyes. I felt hypnotised as she pulled my hands down from her shoulders and inched a cuff around to undo the first of the cuff buttons. A second and third button slipped free and the cuff fell open and then she went to work on the other cuff.

"There," she murmured, "that's taken care of that, now," she grabbed my hands and raised them to her shoulders, "why don't you unbutton me?"