Give Me a Reason Pt. 04

"Fine, I'll go but you'll regret this."

I was going to ask why but didn't bother because I just wanted to get out of his sight. I drove over to Hannah's house and just let it all out on her back porch whilst Anna played with her cousins. She'd married a guy called John some years ago but just before lockdown they broke up, she had three children, Daniel, Ben and Cathy. Hannah was a policewoman and she initially offered to get the woman's address, even though it was against the law.

"It's fine, I don't want to know her address and you can't be seen doing that."

"I know, I know but I had to offer though," she rubbed my back, "but don't you just go back and wait for him to get his things out? What if he takes something that doesn't belong to him?"

"It's all insured and I've got the work laptop with me and if he does then I can report him."

"I'll get John to meet you there with new locks," she replied.

She was as good as her word. I stayed there that night and the next morning I met my ex brother in law at my joint. After checking out the kinds of locks I had he drove out to Bunnings and picked up replacement locks. Rodney actually came back whilst John was changing a lock but when he saw him he drove away and called me instead.

"So, you're really kicking me out."

"Of course, did you think I was kidding?"

"I thought you might have had a change of heart."

"How can I? You've been seeing her for the last four months. Think about it. Four fucking months of lying to your wife and you want me to just take you back?"

"You're being unreasonable, I thought you were a Christian."

"I haven't been to church in years, before I even met you."

He hung up but it wasn't the first time he'd try to move back in. It took six weeks of weekly phone calls before the penny dropped and by then Penny had started work on the settlement. It wouldn't come into effect until after the divorce though but I was okay with that. It was harder to explain it to Anna though but in that I was helped by changes in society as a whole. Divorce has been fault free for decades and in that time it's worked itself into our collective DNA. Thus, kids who came out and said their parents were separated or divorced didn't face prejudice or bigotry. When I told her that mummy and daddy couldn't live together she looked very solemn but when I asked if she had any questions she shook her head.

"Kaylee's mummy and daddy don't live together anymore, so I'm just like Kaylee and Vicki, and Sammie and Libby and Toni."

I didn't know divorce was so common! In that way I was just another statistic, lockdown saw heaps of divorces. Absence may make the heart grow fonder but familiarity breeds contempt and under the strain of being stuck inside day in, day out many marriages collapsed.

Being separated though meant I had to adjust to a different regime but my employer was helpful in that regard. They changed my working hours so I could pick her up from school and do a couple of hours at home, usually doing financial payment plans for clients. Remote working was a benefit of the pandemic, thanks to technology we didn't need to be in the same office. There were a few more partial lockdowns in 2021 but things settled down somewhat. Rodney had access weekends and Anna stayed with him then, they seemed to work out. Anna treated it as an adventure and then in the middle of another partial lockdown in October I got a phone call from Penny.

"I've got good news and possibly more good news."

"Okay? Hit me with it," I sank back in my office chair.

"The good news is his lawyers have agreed on a sixty five, thirty five split for the house, I aimed at seventy but they settled on sixty five. It's all dependant on divorce papers being signed."

"He'll sign, he's with someone else right now, not Alison, it's some other woman."

"Whatever, but the other good news is I've been in contact with Astrid. She emailed me out of the blue the other day, it was after our last meeting on Friday."

"Astrid?" I pushed my glasses up my nose, "wow. How is she?"

"She's good, she's been in a relationship with some Dutch woman but she went back to Utrecht to be with her parents. She hasn't been back yet and... she was wondering if she could join our zoom meeting this Friday. I said I'd find someone to second her membership and the only person who can do that is you."

"Oh," I rose from my chair and walked to the window, "um, okay, sure. It's been so long. How does she sound to you?"

"Older but wiser, like a lot of us. Are you sure you want her back in the meeting?"

"Yeah, do it," I replied, "it'd be good to catch up with her."

"No worries, I'll send her the log in details but if you change your mind between now and then just get back to me and let me know."

There was little chance of that happening though but there were a few anxious moments when I felt a little disconnected. Astrid had been such a major part of my life and although I'd only known her for a few months the effects had lasted for years. I'd casually admitted to trusted friends that I was bisexual but never made a big deal out of it, my family certainly didn't know. My dating life at that point was nonexistent, I'd had a night out with friends at a restaurant in the city between lockdowns but a combination of the abovementioned along with work and raising a daughter meant I just didn't have the energy. I almost told Anna about Astrid but changed my mind at the last minute and waited until Friday night.

I remember that Friday night as if it was yesterday. For our zoom meetings I usually put on a little makeup and sometimes changed a top but that night I put a bit more effort in and wore the suit that Robyn had made me years ago along with a cream satin blouse. I was taking the meeting that night after Alana had to pull out due to a tummy bug. She did however give me the theme and the notes for the meeting. I don't think she did it on purpose but the theme was, Reflections: Dealing with the past without resorting to finger pointing. She'd based it on her failed marriage to Roger many years ago but it was certainly applicable to me and I simply had to personalise it beforehand.

Astrid was waiting for me online and there was a moment of hesitation before I raised my hand.

"Hey there, long time no see."

"Hi," she replied, "likewise, you haven't aged a day."

"Nice try," I chuckled, "flattery will get you everywhere."

The format for our online WWT meetings was remarkably similar to face to face. We prepared our meals either before or during the meeting and breakout rooms were opened up as well, so you could duck in and out of smaller meetings before the actual meeting. I inevitably ended up in a room with Astrid, Annabelle, Robyn, Sigrid, Caroline, and a new member Niamh. She'd been coming for four weeks after her marriage broke down.

I found out over the next forty five minutes that Astrid had been living with Ilse for four years but she'd gone home during the pandemic and was still working from home as a consultant after her company decided to get rid of most of their expensive office space. However, Astrid admitted that just lately she'd become a little jaded with the situation.

"I get it that she wants to stay with her mother, they've got a strong relationship and her mother is immunocompromised but lately I've been wondering if it's worth going on. She's really busy with her work and mine hasn't really stopped to be honest."

"Are you still working from home?"

"We're back at work now but I can work from home if I want, a lot of companies have just ditched office space in the last few months."

Astrid was working as an architect, much of her design work was for residential dwellings but in the past she'd worked on bigger buildings including Copanhill, a ski and hiking facility built on top of an energy recycling plant.

"But I was just part of a team of architects though."

The meeting started some time later and it was pretty good. I confessed that for many years I had blamed Rodney, my late father, my mother and even my sisters for my choices in life. It was true I had been a little limited in my choices when I was younger but by the time I met Rodney I was in control of my life, more or less. However, I'd given into his needs and wants, preferring that to the inevitable arguments and blamed my father. Subconsciously I'd become a lot like mum, it was only when it came to finance and money that I took a stand.

"But these days I know that if it's meant to be it really is up to me," I finished, "but that's all from me, so how about I pick on... Annabelle."

Annabelle's biggest beef was her late father, he'd died six months before the pandemic but she had blamed him for leaving her mother for years. It was only after he was gone that she finally realised the damage that had been done.

"I always felt as if I had to work extra hard to be half as good as my peers. It was why I started to compete in equestrian events and later on I took up shooting, I always felt different to other girls because they had a mum and a dad but I just had a mum. It's only recently that I've acknowledged that my dad leaving was probably a blessing in disguise because I've done so much more."

It was something I agreed with, along with many others. Annabelle's always struck me as being an incredibly gifted woman. I remember taking an old mobile phone around to her place because it had a broken screen, she'd recently bought one of those repair kits from an online store. She had no idea about how to fix a screen but wasn't afraid to get in and have a go. Other women also chimed in with similar stories about how she had always inspired them to get up and have a go. Eventually I moved onto Penny and she chuckled.

"Oh, I used to blame people for everything, especially my parents. I had a love rat for a father and a shallow-minded social climber for a mother."

"And now?" Robyn broke in.

"You get to a certain age and you have to let go of the past and try to move on. What surprised me recently was when we had another anniversary in lockdown, I almost expected that our relationship would end once we were locked down but it's just become that much stronger."

Other people chimed in after that and by degrees I moved around the room but eventually I got to Astrid and there was a moment's hesitation before she spoke.

"I think for years I've blamed myself for everything. I'm a true Nordic, everything has to be perfect or it gets tossed out, in that way I'm a lot like my mother. My relationship was perfect at first but in the aftermath of this pandemic I'm starting to see that maybe the reason she's staying away is not so much her mother and more to do with me. I can be demanding at times but that's because I need to be in control."

"Why?" Robyn asked her.

"That's just it, I don't know. We've had a pretty good thing going for awhile. It's not as if I was the nagging her but I liked to be in control. When she went back the Netherlands I set up a time every day to check in but after a few months she adjusted her schedule and we ended up chatting two or three times a week. It was the first time she actually took a stand against me and I can't say that I blame her but that leaves me with a difficult situation," she paused.

"Do I stay or do I leave?"

My heart skipped a beat. I definitely didn't want to comment on that one for obvious reasons. Penny took the lead with a question.

"So, you haven't seen her in how long?"

"Nearly eighteen months and it's not as if we're all locked down. They've eased restrictions, more or less but she hasn't come to see me and I don't dare visit her, obviously."

"Then I think you've answered your own question," Penny replied, "it's just that you're putting off the inevitable, maybe she's thinking the same thing, but until you mention the elephant in the room you'll both just keep treading water. I'm not telling you to leave or stay but the fact that she hasn't been to see you in nearly eighteen months speaks volumes."

There was a potent silence and then Astrid exhaled.

"Yes, it's been on my mind for awhile now, I guess I've been putting it off."

Other women had similar words of advice and then I moved onto other women. The meeting ended an hour later but in that time Astrid sent me her email address with a request for further contact, if I wanted to rekindle the friendship. I sent mine to her and in the aftermath of the meeting whilst I sat talking to Penny, Robyn and Josie she sent me an email.

Hiya,

So good to see you again. I've thought about you often, more than you think. Please don't think this is some kind of approach, it's not but I need friends.

Love,

Astrid. X

Now I have to get to bed but I'll write more tomorrow.

***

I had a strange dream last night. I was standing on the edge of a swamp and I some of my friends and family were on the other side. I knew that they were heading into quicksand but even though I was shouting loudly no one was listening. One by one, they sank below the surface and it was as if they were all in some kind of trance because even though they could see people sinking they kept on walking into the quicksand. When I told Robyn and Penny about it over breakfast they thought it was just the brain's way of sorting out complex situations. My entire life is changing rapidly and I'll experience a lot of very dramatic changes in the near future. The quicksand is danger and the fact that people kept walking into it suggests that I'm aware of the dangers.

It's a pretty good analysis. I've always been wary of dream interpretation. A lot of the books on the subject are so fringe I suspect the authors have been eating magic mushrooms and when they say that they're experts on the matter I'm automatically suspicious. Be that as it may, I agree with their interpretation because it just makes sense. There's a part of me that is constantly re-evaluating the decision to upend everything and move to Denmark and so let me move forward and tell you how I came to make this decision.

I didn't speak to Astrid for a couple of weeks but in the last week of October she called me. I had added her number on WhatsApp and she looked as if she'd been crying.

"It's over," she told me, "in the end she called me and told me that it was time to separate."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you? I would have thought you'd be happy or aren't you, you know?"

"I am still bisexual but I'm still sorry. I didn't comment at the meeting but that was because it was inappropriate given our history."

"Thank you, I felt a little exposed a couple of weeks ago."

"I think it was very brave of you," I replied, "are you thinking of coming back to the meetings?"

"I'll be there next month, for sure."

"They're actually every week during lockdown. We're still in lockdown."

"Oh, I hadn't realised that," her eyes shifted, "I recall Penny saying something about the meetings but I've had so much on my mind that I must have forgotten. So, there's another one this week?"

"Yeah, I don't know who's running it but you're welcome back again."

"I'll be there then," she answered.

"No worries, so how have you been anyway?"

Astrid hesitated for a few seconds but then started talking and I just listened. Perhaps because it had been so long since we'd chattered or maybe it was down to the fact I didn't know Ilse but she told me a lot more than usual. They'd met at Hamburg airport when Ilse left one of her bags on a seat in a departure lounge. They were both heading for Copenhagen and after the plane landed she had to help Ilse get to her hotel. They arranged to meet up for coffee the next day and the relationship had started then but at first it was a platonic one but when Ilse broke up with her girlfriend she fell into Astrid's arms almost right away. It was easy to see how it'd happened, Ilse's ex partner was very domineering and Astrid was far more easygoing. They'd moved in together when Ilse's company opened a branch in Copenhagen but whilst Astrid wasn't as domineering as Ilse's ex, she still wore the pants, so to speak.

"I feel as if I've been just like her ex in a lot of ways."

"I wouldn't say that but you can't go on interpreting things for her. That's a decision for her to make not you," I reassured her.

"You've got to deal with your need to control things," I added.

"It seems to be an ongoing problem," she replied, "I tried to control you."

"No, you wanted me to follow you to Denmark but I wasn't ready. I've had my own regrets over the years too, I should've shown more courage but it's all water under the bridge. We're back in contact with each other now and if you need to just talk then call me, just be mindful of the time."

"Don't worry I can calculate that in my head, I don't even need an app for that but I do have one on this phone."

We talked a little more before hanging up but it was just the first of many calls, usually on Monday and that became known as Astrid's day. We used to talk about the meeting the previous Friday and our plans for the coming week. Over the next few months we gave each other tours of where we lived, she got to meet Anna and she was quite stunned to learn her middle name.

"I gave her your name," I explained, "it seemed appropriate."

"Did Rodney ever find out?"

"No, I never told him about that. It would've caused problems. He was ex Seventh Day Adventist and even though he never went to a service in all the time I knew him, it would've been difficult, I might not have been allowed to spend so much time with Annabelle and Josie."

It wasn't until New Years Day that I finally decided to visit her in Denmark. We'd been speaking about our resolutions. Hers was to be less domineering and more pliant but mine was simple to visit Denmark.

"Because I did promise to come over and I didn't. It's time to do it."

"Cool, where would you stay?"

"I don't know yet. I'd need to look at hotels."

About a week later she sent me a list of hotels, most of which were outside my budget except for a hostel near Tivoli but as I dithered over choices she finally made another suggestion.

"On the other hand, you can always have the spare room here. It was used by Ilse as an office but I have my own office in the living room."

"Oh," I pushed my glasses up my nose, "is that wise?"

"Well it's a cheaper option but I agree, it's risky because of our history but I'll be working during the day so you'll be able to explore the city."

"I'd be taking Anna with me."

"Good, so what do you say?"

"Let me think about it first, I'll get back to you after the meeting this Friday."

It wasn't until Thursday however when I finally called Annabelle and Josie. Anna was watching TV at the time and when I talked about staying with Astrid both women wanted to know more.

"Specifically about how you feel about her now?" Annabelle spoke up, "it's one thing to sleep in a spare room but you had separate rooms when she was living here and look what happened."

It was a loaded question because whilst I had feelings for her, it'd been so long that I really hadn't given it much thought.

"That's the part that's bugging me," I admitted, "I have feelings but am I just fooling myself? She's a good friend and we've rekindled the friendship but would that escalate to something else and if so, do I want to go there?"

Ultimately however I decided to accept the offer to stay there for a week, afterwards I planned on a trip to Stockholm and a stay in a hostel. It would give me a few days to re-evaluate things, I could then drop in on her on the way back. It was the best of both worlds, time with her and time without her, all that remained was the green light for travel. That took several months but finally in June the travel ban was lifted and by that time Anna and I had passports, the air fares had been paid and I had Rodney's blessing to travel in August. That one took quite a bit of negotiating because it cut into his time with Anna but I promised to make it up when I got back.