Give Me a Reason Pt. 04

"I want a picture of you and Auntie Astrid together in front of the lonely statue."

I studied that picture as we leaned on the wall a little while later and found myself going back to my youth when Astrid and I had been an item, a slang term for being in a relationship. We'd had our pictures taken together before but this was the first time in years we'd posed for a picture. I looked at Astrid who was pointing something out to Anna. Had it been childish innocence or was my little girl drawing closer to my ex girlfriend? She still didn't know that Astrid and I had been going out together, I'd always called her a friend. I glanced over at her as she lifted Anna onto her shoulders and pointed to a faint strip of land in the distance, Sweden.

I felt a lump in my throat. Anna was usually a little shy around adults she didn't know but she had taken to Astrid almost right away. Was it just because she was in a new environment? There was a part of me that suspected that but the other part felt that my daughter had sensed the connection we had with each other. When Astrid finally lifted Anna down she turned to me and smiled, and I felt as if my heart had stopped.

"Where are we going next?" Anna wanted to know.

"Hmm, the Maritime Museum," Astrid ambled over to me, "you ready?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Come on then," she slipped a hand into the crook of my arm and we walked along the pathway that led away from the castle and towards the museum. I felt the years slipping away as we strolled over to the museum, she let go of me as we reached it and I shot her a wry grin.

"Thanks."

"For what?" Astrid asked me.

"For... you know," I trailed away as Anna hurried to the railing to take a picture of the entrance, "I think she's going to be a photographer when she gets older."

It was a clumsy attempt to hide my feelings but Astrid didn't push me and we made our way down to the entrance, the museum itself is underground and we wandered past exhibits from the Second World war and other periods of history. By the time we left the museum I was getting hungry and Astrid suggested we get a bite to eat in town.

"My shout, you haven't tasted our national dish yet."

"What is your national dish?"

"Smørrebrød," she replied.

"What's that?"

I found out soon enough, an open sandwich on rye bread, something not even I had tasted before. We sat at a table at a café with our smørrebrød, wine and Coke for Anna and just watched the world pass us by on Stengade, a pedestrianised street filled with a wide variety of shops from clothes and phone shops through to convenience stores and cafés. I could've sat there for hours watching the never-ending parade of people. It felt almost like the Vic Market back in Melbourne but without the hawkers at their stalls, a kind of relaxed retail atmosphere. Every now and then Astrid would smile at me and pass comment on another aspect of Helsingør.

Like the fact that it had dozens of ferry crossings every day and at the weekends the Swedes sailed over to buy cheap alcohol, to avoid the higher prices at the government-owned alcohol outlets in Sweden. Denmark's alcohol consumption laws are the most liberal, apparently as I was to find out later on!

"Hasn't the government here tried to clamp down on it?" I asked her.

"Why? They're spending money in our country but the night clubs here have a dress code to try and keep the rowdier patrons out. The Swedes are painfully polite when sober but when they get drunk it's a whole different story."

"Do you speak Swedish?" Anna wanted to know.

"Ja," she grinned, "jag pratar svenska bra," and then she chuckled.

"Yes, I speak Swedish well."

Anna's mouth dropped and she nudged her glasses.

"Wow, how many languages do you speak?"

"Danish, Swedish, English, German, Spanish and some French," she drained her mug.

"And a bit of Finnish but it's a difficult language to learn, you always sound angry when you speak it, even if you're saying something nice."

This of course was an invitation to say something in Finnish and it did sound angry. We left fifteen minutes later and explored the town itself. Anna was fascinated with the most mundane items like hats, gloves, mobile phone covers and other things but refused to let me buy anything apart from a Danish-themed purse that looked a little tacky. It was touching to watch her fill it with some of the money I'd given her.

On the train back to Copenhagen she spent much of the time perusing an historical magazine that Astrid had bought at the station, it had a lot of pictures in it but the text was all Danish. That didn't stop Anna however, she started tapping out the Danish words in Google Translate, much to Astrid's amusement.

"You do know you can ask me, don't you?"

"I know, but it's fun to look up the words."

"Who does she get that from?" Astrid looked at me.

"Not her father," I smirked, "he's not the academic type."

Astrid's phone rang before she could reply and she switched to Danish. The conversation lasted a few minutes and she smiled when she hung up.

"Sorry about that," she pocketed the phone.

"That was my friend, Karin. I called her last night about a couple of spare helmets for the bikes, we'll stop by Østerport on the way back to pick them up."

Karin lived with her partner, Sophie in a cosy little flat in Østerport and you couldn't meet a nicer couple, they gushed over our Aussie accents, which I thought was a bit odd. I don't think of myself as being all that exotic! But apparently the Australian accent has come along in leaps and bounds, thanks to people like Kylie Minogue and others. Karin was a supervisor at the International Citizens Service but more of that later on. Sophie on the other hand worked at Tivoli as a waitress.

After dinner at their place we went to Tivoli that despite its age still attracts people every night. We went on several rides including the Golden Tower. I was wary about going on any of the rides but when the strait-laced Karin clambered into a seat I decided to get on as well along with Anna. From then on it was a series of rides including The Demon. We also got to meet Pia and Anders, two of Sophie's colleagues and then it was back home to her place.

As a result of the day's activities, Anna was exhausted and after a shower she fell into bed and that left us alone again. Unlike the previous night however I'd come out of my shell, so to speak, I was a bit more vocal about my marriage and my relationship with my ex husband. Astrid listened intently and finally she asked the inevitable question.

"So, do you think you'll move onto another man or will you go back to women?"

"That's a question I don't have an answer to just yet," I replied, "I haven't dated anyone since the marriage broke up but if I was with a man I'd want to be doubly careful. Rodney seemed to be a nice guy but look how that turned out, he's hanging out with some bikie gang now."

I looked down at the floor.

"I was naïve back then, that's all I can say."

"We were both naïve back then," she reassured me, "I was determined to get you over here and I hadn't taken your history into account."

"I wanted to come with you," I replied, "for months afterwards, every time time I thought of you it was like a stone in my shoe. Even when I got married you were still there, I gave Anna your name as her middle name for fucks sake," I stretched my legs out, "it makes me wonder what life would have been like if I'd had more courage."

"It's hard to know," she shrugged, "I was young and naïve, full of my own importance and you'd have been trying to fit into Danish society, not an easy thing by any stretch of the imagination but in a way I'm glad you didn't."

"Why not?"

"Because Anna would never have been born, silly," she nudged my leg gently.

"Seriously," she went on, "she's a delightful girl."

"She seems to have taken to you though. She's very cautious when it comes to strangers, we raised her that way from the start. I was one of those anxious mothers and Rodney was an introvert when he wasn't drinking."

We lapsed into silence for a few minutes and then I turned to her, "so, what're the rules for moving here?"

"Huh?" Astrid looked at me.

"God, the one to speak to about that is Karin. They change now and then, depending on whoever is in power at the time, at the moment they're trying to limit it but I think you have to have a job first or be enrolled in a university and have enough money to support yourself."

"Kind of like Australia then although it's probably easier than Australia though. We have to deal with people at work who have fallen foul of the regulations all the time."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I mean I'm dealing with debt advice for the most part but as an adviser I sometimes have to advise people on other matters, like immigration."

The topic of conversation moved from that subject to politics, music, travel, lifestyle and finally we got around to the elephant in the room, how we felt about each other now. It'd been discussed now and then over the last few months but we'd always skirted nimbly around intimacy because of the way we'd parted years ago. However spending time with her that day, combined with the way my daughter bonded with her had triggered something within me. It wasn't a case of what would it have been like if I'd joined her, it was more a matter of, if we decided to rekindle the flame would it be a conceivable reality or just fantasy? Australia has had a chequered history with immigration, moving from the White Australia policy through to the open door after the Vietnam war and finally down to the racist xenophobia of the Murdoch press and their acolytes in government. Denmark on the other hand had benefited from membership of the European Union and free movement across borders, a thing that would have the right wing papers frothing over.

"I'd be worried about it because things have changed for us, particularly you," she eyed me, "your daughter adds another layer of complexity."

"I agree but it's not insurmountable," I replied.

"What do you mean?" Astrid raised an eyebrow.

"I mean it's not beyond the realms of possibility," I replied, "it's doable, but it'd require a bit more planning and forethought. I'd need to find a job, Anna would need to agree and you'd need to leave that up to me and there needs to be a plan B in case plan A fails."

"A plan B," she frowned, "you mean if things don't work out."

"Precisely but we're not there yet."

"So you've considered it?"

"Off and on," I nudged my glasses, "it's not something I've openly considered but it's been at the back of my mind for months now but I don't know if it's because we've been locked down for so long or something else."

We talked a little more but without coming to any real conclusions. We were both skating around the edges of the pond, wary of falling through thin ice but as I got ready for bed half an hour later I felt an urge I hadn't felt in years. The desire to be with a woman, I'd had brief flashes over the last few years but they'd been about women who were out of reach, because they were married or just not that way inclined. Tonight however I was under the same roof as a woman I'd made love to on many an occasion.

As I came out of the bathroom Astrid was turning out the lights. She'd made up the sofabed whilst I was in the shower and she nodded at it.

"If you get cold there are more blankets in the hall cupboard."

"Oh," I squinted at the cupboard door, "thanks."

"Good night then," she leaned over and kissed me lightly on the cheek, I turned slightly and nudged my glasses before returning the kiss, brushing my lips across hers.

It could've really happened that night because we both looked past each other but then she made an excuse about needing the toilet and by the time she came back I was lying on the sofabed. However, it'd only deepened the need for sex but despite that nothing happened for three days and she took us on a cycling tour of the city. We visited the National Museum, Christiansborg Palace, Amelienborg Palace, Rosenborg, the Blue Planet and of course Copenhill where she showed me the parts of the building she'd helped design. The fact that all of these places were accessible on a bicycle was yet another amazing aspect to this cosmopolitan city.

The bicycle culture is light years ahead of anything in Australia, which is still wedded to the car for the most part, apart from the inner city areas. Anna took to the bike like a duck to water, much to my surprise because she didn't ride much at home. In between visiting museums and other places we lunched at cafés or dropped in on friends, usually at their homes but sometimes at work. I got to meet many of her friends and by the end of the day I'd come to a few conclusions.

The first was obvious. I loved Copenhagen with its dedicated cycle lanes and picturesque streets, the second was the culture, people were very open and broad-minded but the third wasn't apparent until about the afternoon of that third day. We'd been to see one of her friends, Adele who worked at a volunteer centre for socially disadvantaged people. We met her in the lobby but she took us to a cloakroom where she fetched her coat, Astrid paused to speak to one of Adele's colleagues.

"How do you find Copenhagen?"

"It's fantastic," I replied, "I've heard a lot about it over the years, especially when Astrid lived in Australia but hearing about it and seeing the place is entirely different."

"I can see what she sees in you," Adele pulled the coat over her shoulders.

"What do you mean?"

"She told me a lot about you over the years, even when she was with Ilse. I used to ask why she was with Ilse and not you," she dug her hands into her pockets.

"She burned a candle for you for years and I can see why, not that it's my business of course."

"She's not the only one who burned a candle," I nudged my glasses.

"Okay?" Adele glanced at me as she walked to the door, "but you're not together yet?"

"No, I think it's the immigration thing that worries me."

"Don't let that put you off, there are people living here who probably shouldn't be here and people who could live here but don't want to because of the hurdles," she put her hand on the handle.

"In my opinion though, if you find someone you love don't turn your back on them. I had quite a few girlfriends before I finally went back to my first girlfriend. It was only then that I realised I had used her as a filter for other women. If they came up to Katrine's standard then they were okay but in the end I came full circle back to Katrine," she opened the door.

"As they say, why settle for a cheap copy when you can have the real thing."

"Exactly," Astrid commented as we stepped out of the cloakroom, "where are we having coffee?"

"Follow me," Katrine winked.

We had coffee at a cosy little café not far from her work and Katrine was curious about my job back in Australia. It's a similar job to the one she does and we had an interesting conversation about the importance of social welfare and at the end of the lunch break she propped on her palm.

"You'd do well here, we should do this again soon and I hope you'll be back soon."

It was only afterwards as we made our way to the next tourist attraction that I finally realised the third conclusion. Most of Astrid's friends had farewelled me in a similar fashion, "until next time," or, "keep in touch," or something similar. They'd also known about me beforehand, obviously I'd been a much larger part of her life but was that a recent thing or not?

"I've known many of them for years," Astrid told me later that night as we sat on the couch, "we went to school or university together so they knew about you, but I've only known Adele for three years."

I glanced over my shoulder as Anna came into the room. She'd changed into her pyjamas and as was her usual custom she gave me a goodnight kiss but then she pivoted and stared at Astrid and then gave her a goodnight kiss as well. It was touching and amusing because Astrid looked a little shocked and it was only when I returned to the room a few minutes later that she expressed surprise that Anna had treated her like that.

"Why should it surprise you?" I sat down next to her, "she adores you."

"What have you told her about me?"

"I've said you were one of my friends years ago and that we lived together but nothing about the other thing, but that's obvious at her age."

Astrid said nothing for a full minute but eventually she looked at me.

"Tell me something and if you don't want to talk about it then just say so, but what would it take for you to move here?"

I blinked and then looked past her.

"In the words of our favourite singer, you'd need to give me a reason. I'm not after a proposal but I would need a definite reason to even consider moving here."

Astrid looked away for a few seconds and then wiped her eye.

"I haven't been able to listen to that song for years."

"I have but it does bring back memories of you so it's a bittersweet song."

She swivelled towards me and studied me for a moment or two.

"You were the one I was supposed to be with, not her."

"Maybe so but living with her was probably a good idea all the same and if we'd gotten back into contact a few years ago it would've been wrong, I was married."

She reached out and touched my face. I leaned into her palm and then on instinct I leaned over to kiss her lightly on the lips. She flinched slightly as I closed my eyes but when I opened them she had a crooked smile on her face.

"Well that's been awhile."

I smiled back and leaned against the wall.

"Yeah, it has."

She reached out and touched my face and I looked down as she moved a little closer and yet for two people who'd been eyeing each other up for the last few days we took awhile to move from kissing to touching and caressing. We stood by her bedroom door just kissing and touching before moving into her room. I managed another half smile as the door closed behind me and then she grabbed my hands and pinned them to the door as she kissed me again. It was a full on passionate kiss that left me in no doubt as to where this was heading and I gave myself to her there and then. It'd been so long since I'd been kissed that way, maybe back in the Dark Ages?

But seriously, it'd been a long time and yet we fell into a familiar rhythm so easily, a slow walk to the bed where I knelt on the bed and wrapped my arms around her. She still wore her blue blouse and a pair of jeans, I was in my nightie and dressing gown. We paused for a second or so to catch our breath and then I turned slightly and pushed her onto the bed. She fell sideways and rolled onto her back a moment later.

"Fuck me," she exhaled, "it's been a long time since someone did that to me."

"You mean Ilse didn't throw you onto the bed?"

"Sometimes," she pursed her lips, "when she was drunk but she didn't drink much."

"I don't need booze to throw someone on the bed," I crawled forward and kissed her lips slowly and methodically, "but it's been a long time since someone tickled my fancy."

"Oh ho," she chuckled as she slid her hand up my leg to stroke my pussy, "you and me both."

I kissed her again and then laid down with one knee between her legs and propped my head on my hand. She seemed transfixed by me at that point and it only aroused me more. I slid my hand down her cheek to the third button on her silk blouse and cracked a sly smile.

"What?"

"Is this one of Robyn's blouses?"

"Um, yes it is but I haven't bought anything off her for years."

"Ooh, you're a naughty girl," I squeezed her breast, "I've restarted my quarterly plan. You know she's got a couple of people distributing for her here?"

"She has?" Astrid blinked.

"Yeah, Louise and Sigrid set it up years ago and when they left Denmark other people took over the distribution, it's small scale," I slid my hand down the front of her blouse to her belt.