All Comments on 'Gloria'

Although the story is great, the timeline is confusing. The author is talking about events which occurred a dozen years ago, but he shifts to talking in the present tense at the end of the story, as if he's just now made love to Gloria for the first time. I had to double-check to make sure he wasn't cheating on Gloria WITH Gloria, and I had the impression throughout the story of the narrator being FAR younger than Gloria. Is this scheduled to be the first part of an ongoing series? Also, the part about Gloria's son came right out of left field. Still, very hot and exciting. I just wonder if it got chopped down and vital parts lost for some reason.

I liked the characters (in spite of the adultery and potential for homewrecking). The plotline is engrossing and the slow, steady build-up to the "main event" was an excellent technique for keeping the reader following the action intently.

The style was a little off-putting, however. Big blocks of text with dialogue embedded in them like fruit slices in a jello mold diminish the emotional impact of the characters words and make the reader perceive the action as relentless, but plodding.

It's not as noticable during the actual sex scenes, when things figuratively "heat up", but giving the characters' words their own indented blocks of the story would make their interactions more visceral.

You also tend to rely on a play-by-play type of narrative that drains some of the emotional impact out of the scenes. It's characterized by a cycle of: he does this, she does that, repeating throughout the story. You do beak it up with the narrator's internal dialogue at several points, but more would be better.

Overall, not a bad beginning.