God Damn My Heart

First things first.

A huge thank you to Randi for her wonderful editing, and assistance.

This is a short story, it's nothing more than a quick glimpse into a broken relationship.

***************

Ain't it funny, Oh ain't it funny, how a song can make you feel. Bring back memories, emotions you thought you thought were dead. Yeah, ain't it funny... How everything changes... Nothing stays the same.

Here I was sitting in a bar, killing time. The dinner, I had just savoured, sitting tastefully in my soul. After enjoying such a delicious repast, it was impossible not to relax, to ponder your life, the good, the bad and of course the indifferent. It is funny, how the things that you cherish, that you desire and search for, can often let you down. Become a source of sadness. The thing I loved, was my job. The thing I loved, and yet hated, was the travel. Five hundred miles from home, a successful day, and feeling good. Yeah it had been a great day, and dinner was good. It's nice when clients take you out for a meal, even nicer when they bring their wife along so the conversation wasn't solely work.

Still, dinner was finished, and as I walked past the bar, I heard some music wafting mellifluously through the open door. What's a girl to do? Buy a vodka Martini and have a listen, that's what. The last thing I wanted at that moment was another lonely night in a hotel room..

He was good, this guy, a soloist, singer songwriter, with a nice folky, bluesy feel. Probably my favourite.

Yet as I listened, my emotions darkened, the lyrics getting to me. Yeah, it sounds weird, how it affected me, but there it was.

My husband and I had divorced nearly two years before, and it still hurt. He burned a hole deep in my heart. We fell in love so deeply I thought it would go on forever. I could see no way in the world we wouldn't be together, forever.

Soulmate is a word that gets thrown around so easily. Everybody's got one... Yeah, right.

When I look back on it, I wonder if its possible to sustain a love that burned so brightly, the flames of passion so hot; maybe its just not possible.

I leaned back in my chair listening to the lyrics, and they burned like acid.

*****

Yeah, he promised we'd still see each other, stay in touch, be friends... We did for a while, but it didn't last. It couldn't; how could we ever be friends, I loved him, still did... Damn it. With my eyes closed, there he was, his image as bright as ever. Yes, it made me tremble, and I wondered. Did he think of me? Did he remember me fondly?

God, I could still hear his voice, that beautiful lilting accent. I used to love waking in his arms, hearing his voice say. "Wake up, beautiful."

I'm not beautiful, but still loved to hear those words.

Oh, ain't it funny, how everything changes...

He sang loudly...

Well, I'll see you around if you think that's okay

cause I'm missing your voice, I miss seeing your face

its the last thing I heard and the first thing I saw in the morning

Is it warm where you are? I hope the weather is fine

Are your spending your nights drinking whiskey or wine?

And if you get the time you know that I'd die just to hear you

and its fine if you can't, just know if you can I'll be waiting

Oh goddamn my heart,

for making me this way

Oh its tearing me apart,

and you're walking away

As I listened, my mind slipped deeper into melancholy. God damn my heart, all right. Damn it all to hell and back. I picked up my phone, still had his number... number one... As the song said, I would love to hear his voice.

me I'm just fine, you know I can't complain

I only miss you at night and sometimes when it rains

But beside all of that, there's nothing to cry about here

But if you change your mind oh you know that I have been waitin

Am I fine? I sometimes wondered. Even after two years apart, I never stopped thinking about him. I never wanted the damn divorce. When he came to me that fateful night. I was devastated.

"What do you mean divorce?"

"Come on Mel, you know this hasn't been working. You're as unhappy as I am."

"No, Lance. The only reason I'm unhappy is the fact you keep going on about me never being home. You knew when we married how important my career was to me. You promised to support me."

"Yes I did, but I didn't expect you to be on the road four days out of every seven. That's just sheer lunacy. I may as well not even have a wife. I never see you." He groaned in despondency.

"Lance, it'll get easier. Once I have proven myself and made some inroads into these accounts, I will be able to cut back. I can then delegate some of this to others. All I'm asking is for some time."

"No, Mel, I'm sick of sleeping in a cold empty bed. I want my wife beside me. I don't mind doing my share around here, but I expect you to be here. I accept there has to be some travel. Two days a week is all I'm prepared to accept."

"Lance, this is ridiculous; you have to give me a chance. Give me a couple of months, just some time to make arrangements. I have made such great inroads at work. I have made a good impression. I'm sure they will let me back off."

"No, I know this seems harsh, but we have done nothing but fight when you are home. Things are that bad, you don't even call me anymore."

"That's because you yell at me."

"Because I'm angry. I don't want a divorce, Mel. I just don't see how we can save it. If you cut back your hours, you're going to resent me for making you.

"I don't want a divorce, Lance; we can work it out. You have just gone straight to the worst possible scenario. You're not giving me a chance."

"I am, Mel. This didn't happen overnight. I have been trying for months. I waited, hoping in vain you would see the damage you're causing. I can't wait any longer. I am saying cut back your hours, spend some time here in our home, together. Then you're right. We might be able to make it work."

"Good lord, Lance. I can't just go in tomorrow and say I can't travel anymore. At the moment, it's important. It won't be forever. A few more months."

"Sorry, Mel, it's decision time. Right here right now. Either you commit to our marriage and agree to cut back on the travel or I'm leaving; my bag's already packed."

I was flabbergasted. He had planned it, he was serious. Or was it a bluff, was he trying to scare me? Dare I call his bluff? Work had been going so well; I was so close to getting my promotion. I stared into his unflinching eyes and I knew, he was bluffing.

"Do you love me, Lance?" I asked.

"You know I do," he whispered softly. "I have always loved you, Mel. From the first time we met. Christ, I love you more now than ever."

"Then you have to let me work this out. We can do it, babe. I love you, as well. God, every moment I'm away from you, I miss you."

"Then don't do it, Mel. Cut back, commit to us, to our marriage."

"I am committed, Lance, my sweet. I am, but I'm so close. We can have it all. Once I get that promotion, babe, we'll be flying."

"No, I was serious, Mel. Its me or your job. You call it."

"No, you're not serious, you can't possibly mean it."

I was wrong, I saw it the instant he turned away. He was deadly serious. The sound of him closing the front door behind him told me.

His image faded and I opened my eyes to listen to the rest of the song.

Oh goddamn my heart,

for making this way

Oh its tearing me apart,

and you're walking away

Sometimes when its late and I'm trying to sleep

I wonder if you're out there thinking of me

I know this sounds dumb, but its something I think about now

so if you change your mind you know that I'll be around

Yes, late at night, that's when I felt it the most, the bed cold and empty, the world an inhospitable barren wasteland. No love, no intimacy. Yeah, I got the promotion, but with nobody to share it with, what was the point.

And I did wonder where he was, what he was doing, did he have somebody else? Was he in love, did he miss me?

I toyed with my phone, turning it over and over. I brought up his number. Looking at the time, it was late. He would be in bed... Wouldn't he?

I threw back the last of my vodka as I listened to the words.

Oh goddamn my heart,

for making this way

Oh its tearing me apart,

and you're walkin away

I've been lost

for so long now

and I can't get you back

cause I don't know how

Leaving my glass on the table, I stood and started walking out towards the elevator. My phone still in my hand, his number illuminated, all I had to do was press enter.

The yearning had my stomach tied in knots. Did he feel the same way, had he moved on, was there somebody else keeping him warm at night?

The thought sent shivers down my spine. God damn it, if there was, it was my own fault. Pride, silly pride, I was so sure he wouldn't just walk away. He said he loved me, how could he?

The bing-bong announced the elevator was there and the doors slid smoothly open. Stepping inside, I leaned against the back wall, the stainless steel cold on my back, the thin rayon doing nothing to insulate me from the cold.

I hit enter as the doors slid open. "Hello?"

"Hi, Lance, it's Mel. Sorry to call so late." I mumbled softly, hesitantly. The words falling out uncomfortably.

"Mel," He sighed, equally as hesitant, but shocked as well. "Oh my god, are you all right, has something happened?"

"Yes actually. Something has happened. I realised what a mess I made of our marriage, and I needed to hear your voice."

I wasn't expecting the pause, thee silence. I felt my heart slow, fear stretching across time. Then, when his voice kicked in, "Wow, I have to say, you caught me by surprise, but you're right. It is nice to here your voice, as well. Its been a long time." My heart restarted.

He sounded so pleased, so warm.

"Lance, could we talk? I mean, if you're busy, I'll understand."

"Mel, if you are asking if I'm alone, yes, I am alone, and I would love to talk. How have you been?"

"Miserable. I didn't realise it until tonight, but my life has been empty and cold without you. I'm sorry I was such a bitch. I stuffed everything up."

"Mel, slow down, it wasn't just your fault. I should have come to you sooner. I was wrong to wait."

"Lance, I still love you. Tonight I had this weird feeling, and god knows why, but my mind cleared, and I saw all the mistakes I made. Can you ever forgive me?"

I heard him chuckling softly. "Are you laughing at me?" I gasped, horrified.

"No, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing because on the way home from work tonight, I called into the convenience store on the corner and I don't know why, maybe it was the image on the album cover, but, I bought a CD. I was listening to it a little earlier, and ever since, I haven't been able to think of anything other than you."

"Wow, really? God, that sounds surreal. What was the name of the song?"

I heard him lifting something, and a little click as he opened the plastic case. "The song's called "Goddamn"."

"You have got to be kidding me. Is it by Nick Santino?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"Because, ten minutes ago I was sitting in the bar listening to him sing that damn song. I cried, all I could think about was you, all the mistakes I made and how much I missed you."

The tears streamed down my cheeks as I slid the card into the lock and my hotel room door opened.

He chuckled a little, but between the chuckles, I heard the sniffles. "Lance, I love you. I don't know where you live or if you have anybody else in your life, but I want you back. I miss you, I love you."

He sounded so strong, so definitive. "There's never been anyone else for me, Mel. I tried to get back out there, but damn it. You set the bar pretty high."

I flopped back on the bed, my mind swirling, and not from the vodka. "Where are you living now Lance?"

"I'm in Auckland now. Been here for about six months."

"I finish this trip tomorrow. I could fly to Auckland direct. We could spend the weekend together."

"I would love that, Mel. Text me your arrival time, and I'll meet you."

"I love you, Lance."

"I love you too, Mel."