Gone Fishin

Author's note.

Relax everyone this is just a little bit of fluff to lighten your day. Not really advancing the genre, but hopefully you'll find it entertaining. Spectacularly short for one of my offerings (don't worry, I have an 8 or 9 pager coming). I originally tried to condense it to meet the 750 word challenge, but finally said screw it; I couldn't make it work.

Thank you to my editor for the review. It's always better after receiving input. All mistakes are my own.

***

Rosanne heard the knocking on the door and was tempted to let it go. Raymond, her husband of six years should have been home by now, and it pissed her off that the eight inches of snow that fell early in the morning, while she was at work at the hospital, hadn't been shoveled yet. With the clouds having cleared out and a north wind picking up, the temperature had sunk like a rock. She would be damned before she cleared the driveway.

Seeing the above-mentioned snow, she had called her husband earlier, to find out when he was going to be home, but couldn't reach him. Figures. She thought it was just like him to try and get out of work. Asshole.

She had changed into her jeans at the hospital and was planning to relax that late Sunday afternoon after an early morning and busy day in various operating rooms and birthing suites, as anesthesiologists usually are. Since she had only been on staff eighteen months, she drew weekend duty.

She heard the knock again and went to answer the door, perturbed that Raymond wasn't there to answer it. She peeked through the peephole and saw Dell standing there, out of uniform, next to a man she didn't recognize, in uniform.

Dell, also known as Randell, was a Detective Sergeant in the Sheriff's office a couple of counties north of Minneapolis, where he and Raymond grew up. He was supposed to have been ice fishing with her husband this weekend. Dell was the biggest redneck she ever met. She couldn't believe her husband and him were best friends, which always pissed her off when they got together.

Raymond had just gotten back into ice fishing this winter. She knew he did it as a teenager but couldn't understand why he became interested in freezing his ass off again. It may have been related to his recent illness, or not.

"God dammit, Dell. What the hell do you want? I thought my no-good husband was with your sorry ass."

Dell was not surprised by the greeting. The two of them had never gotten along; especially not the last two years after she had been caught cheating on Ray.

"This isn't a social call, Rosie. It's freakin' cold out here. Can we come in?"

"I've told you that it's Rosanne! I don't even like for Raymond to call me Rosie. So, no; don't come in. That will give you incentive to get this over quickly."

Dell let out a loud sigh. "Damn you, Rosanne...Fine. This is officer Tyler Perkins with the state patrol. He has some official business he needs to discuss with you."

Rosanne looked up at the giant of an officer. She wondered where they always seemed to find these huge men to be officers. With his hat on, he looked nearly seven feet tall, though was probably closer to six foot six.

The man said, "Mrs. Franklin, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband and his vehicle fell through the ice earlier this morning. The portion of the lake in which he fell is over 150 feet deep, and the ice in the area is considered not stable enough to bring in the big recovery gear. Current recovery efforts have been unsuccessful, and with his being down there so long, they do not believe anyone could still be alive. They'll try again in couple of days, when the weather is better, to retrieve the vehicle and his body. These are some pictures from the scene prior to the recovery crews showing up."

The officer had a tablet and swiped through several pictures where she could clearly see Raymond's tent and camp stove sitting near a big hole in the ice where it appeared that Raymond's truck was too heavy for the ice to support. There were also a couple of pictures of the dive team showing up with their lighter equipment they would use to raise the truck if they could find it, setting up earlier in the day.

Rosanne said, "That dumb shit. He doesn't even know how to fish correctly. Now who's going to clear this God damn snow off the driveway. I swear to God, he cannot even die right. Poor Samantha. I'll bet she wishes you were with him."

The officer was stunned to see that this woman was completely unfazed by her husband's death. Dell wasn't surprised. The second honeymoon after her mother convinced Raymond to take her back didn't last long. She had been a harpy towards Dell for years.

Dell said, "I warned Ray about going out too far. This winter hasn't been as cold, so it wasn't safe to go too far out, but he kept pressing his luck."

Rosanne replied, "Maybe the headaches from his cancer were becoming too difficult to bear, and he decided to take the cowards way out and off himself?"

Dell face showed his surprise, "You knew about the cancer?"

Rosanne replied, "Of course, I did. That fool cannot hide anything from me. He thought he was keeping it a secret, but when I saw the check to the hospital for $4,000 dollars and discovered the CT scan of his puny brain, hidden in his office files, I knew. At least I found them in time to get a couple of different life insurance policies on his ass. Now, do you need anything else from me?"

Dell shook his head at the gall of this woman. "Damn. That's cold; even for you Rosie."

"It's Rosanne, asshole."

The officer tried to regain control of the situation. "Ma'am. We should have the paperwork for you to sign either by late tomorrow or the following morning. Hopefully we'll have the body soon. I'm sorry for your loss."

"Don't worry about it. Let me know when they fish his ass out, and I'll give you the name of a funeral home to clean it and fry it. Get it? Fish his ass out? Clean and fry?" She looked at them, but they were not laughing. "Oh, lighten up. He wasn't a saint, either. Have you told his mom yet?"

"No. We're required by law to notify you first. Do you want to tell her or for us to do it?"

Rosanne said, "We aren't on the best speaking terms, so it might be better if you do it. If you don't need anything else, I have things I have to do. Like get warm. Excuse me."

Both men stood there with their mouths open as she closed the door on them.

As they turned to leave, they heard a "Woo Hoo! Hot Damn!" through the door.

Dell said to Ty, "I told you she was one frigid bitch."

Ty replied, "Karma has a way of catching up with people like her."

Dell smiled and said, "Yes. I believe it does."

The two men walked back towards the big Ford parked in front of the neighbor's house to drive back to their county.

Rosanne didn't waste any time calling her paramour. "Hey Clint, guess what. I'm free tonight. If you think you can get it up again, tell your wife the hospital called and needs you to come back in."

Dr. Clinton Williams, surgeon, was always ready to party with Rosanne, even if they had snuck away into an empty office earlier in the day for a quickie. He said, "I thought your husband was getting back this afternoon. How are you getting away?"

"You'll never believe it. The state police just showed up and told me the dumb shit fell through the ice this morning and drowned. I'm free from him permanently. I'm calling in sick tomorrow morning. Let's go celebrate."

"Your husband just died, and you want to go party?"

"Damn straight. You know I couldn't stand him. Are you turning down sex with me?"

Clint was beginning to wonder about Rosanne, but she was a hell of fuck, especially compared to his conservative wife, so he wasn't about to give her the chance to replace him with someone else. If what she just told him was true, he'd likely get to fuck her a lot more in the very near future.

"What time do you want me to pick you up?"

"There's my man. ASAP. Plan on spending the night here, and I'll make it worth your while."

He replied, "I'll find a way. I'll be there in an hour."

It was a wild night for the two of them. Rosanne had never let Clint be too affectionate in public, because she didn't want to take the chance that her husband or one of Dell's goons might get any pictures of her in a compromising situation.

Tonight was different, though. No more husband. No more postnup. No reluctance to grinding and dryfucking Clint on the dance floor.

Clint said, "Remind me again why you stayed with your husband when you hated him so much?"

"I told you. $3 million dollars. My Catholic and conniving mother felt sorry for him when he caught me cheating and convinced me that he was too good of a man to throw back into the ocean. Then she convinced him to give me another chance, by altering the terms of the prenup to prove we were all serious. I didn't hate him then.

"The original prenup excluded everything I brought into the marriage, like our house, and anything I might receive from my parents. The postnup changed everything. In the postnup, if I divorced him, for any reason, he got half of everything; however, if he divorced me it would be under the terms of the prenup, unless he had proof of infidelity, which is why you and I have had to only have sex at the hospital under very controlled conditions. It would have been very expensive to have gotten caught. If I caught him cheating, it was back to the terms of the prenup, so I kept throwing floozies at him, but he never bit. Over time, I began to resent and then hate him."

"As you know, my parents were surgeons down at the Mayo Clinic, and they had close to $6 million in assets and retirement when they were killed in that accident last year. I didn't want him to get half that, so I stayed married, until now."

Clint asked, "I don't get it. If you cheated on him before, why did you stay married to him?"

"I just felt so bad. At thirty years old, I'm young to be a practicing anesthesiologist. I had never failed at anything in my life, so I wanted to prove to myself, my parents and him that I could be a good wife. It wasn't until later that I realized that I wasn't meant for monogamy and should have used that as my chance to get away, but my mother had talked me into staying. Stupid I know, and expensive...until today. Woo Hoo! Kiss me babe."

After an evening of fun on the town, she had Clint drive her home, where they proceeded to screw each other's brains out in the kitchen, the living room, and finally the bedroom. The excitement of being free from Raymond kept driving her for more sex. She did her best to get Clint hard again after each time. Finally, his pecker was crying uncle, and she allowed him to sleep with promises to fuck him again in the morning prior to his having to leave.

Exhausted, they spooned next to each other and fell into a blissful sleep.

_______________

At 8:00am, after an early morning blowjob and shower sex, Clint needed to get home. They were still drying off when they heard the garage door open and in walked Dell, in his uniform, and her supposedly dead husband.

Wearing nothing but towels, Rosanne and Clint were both astonished to see that Raymond was alive. Dell handed her a large manilla envelope and said, "Rosanne Franklin, you have been served."

Ray said, "Oh and Dr. Clit," intentionally misspeaking his name, "You should probably be getting home. I suspect your wife should be receiving her own envelope with pictures and video of your performance last night any minute now."

Modesty be damned, Clint threw on his clothes and flew out the door, hoping to put some spin on things prior to his wife receiving any incriminating information. He didn't know it, but he was already too late for that.

Raymond had a big shit-eating grin on his face as he watched his wife's expression change from stunned to furious. "Oh, Hell no, Dell. I'll sue you and the sheriff's office and the state patrol if I have to. You and officer Perkins told me that he was dead. That gets me off the hook."

"Who told you he was dead? Do you have any proof? Ray and I have been watching sports at my house all weekend. It's too damn cold to go fishing. Samantha is not happy with us."

Ray said, "I'll let you in on a little secret, Rosie. I haven't been ice fishing since I was a kid. I love fishing, but not when it's cold."

She exclaimed, "I'll pull phone records. I'm sure they have records of your phone pinging off the cell towers near here. I'll get the records of the patrol car and get officer Perkins to testify under oath."

Ray said, "Good luck with that, Rosie. See you in court." He and Dell turned to walk out, grinning like idiots.

Rosanne was nearly screaming. "No, no, no. This will not stand. It was false pretenses. I didn't do anything wrong." Ray and Dell kept on walking and laughing. Rosanne collapsed onto the bed not believing that those two dimwits had outsmarted her.

After they returned to Ray's truck, which obviously didn't fall through the ice, Dell asked, "Didn't you want to stick around to see her face when she finds out there isn't an officer Perkins with the state patrol? She never got a good look at his car, and apparently couldn't tell that his 'uniform" was a very credible looking costume."

"Nah, I don't need to stick around for that. The cameras inside the house are still recording. I'll see and hear everything later. Besides, I need to go and thank Ty for that performance he gave. He should be an actor. Also, that was a great idea Samantha had to fake the CT scan and make Rosie think I had cancer."

Dell said, "Ty was happy to do it. Besides, with your paying the deductible for his insurance to help his daughter get her eye surgery, he felt he owed you. That was what inspired Samantha to come up with the idea to make that payment look like you were having your cancer tests."

"I was just 'paying it forward.' Ty's too good a guy to have to worry about that. Didn't you say he passed his deputy exam?"

"He did. We should have a place for him within the next six months. That was a stroke of genius to buy a tent that looked just like the one from where that truck did fall through the ice last year. If I didn't know better, I would have sworn it was your tent in that picture."

"That was pretty easy. She wanted to believe it was true, so she did."

"Are you going to stay in Minneapolis or move closer to home?"

"I think closer to home. There are some nice places up near St. Cloud that are only a half hour away. Mom will be pleased. Picking up a big check from the divorce means I can start my own engineering company or just do some consulting on the side. Maybe I'll send you and Liz to Cancun for your anniversary as a thank you for your help. I'm surprised, she's so interested in the beach with her fair skin."

Dell said, "You're only mentioning Cancun because you're hoping she'll say good things about you to her pretty sister, Angela."

Ray laughed, "It's a good thing you're the detective and not Rosie. You can see that one coming. Thank God she couldn't. No rush on talking to Angela. I don't think I'm very anxious to go on a date with anyone right now, but hopefully I'll be ready for Angela before long."

Dell replied, "I think you'll be surprised how ready you are. In addition to the earlier cheating, you've suspected that she was cheating on you again for over a year. I doubt there is much love left in your heart for Rosie."

"True. Mostly sadness. Still, that doesn't mean I'm ready for someone else."

Dell snickered, "I don't think it would be too hard to convince Angela to come to Cancun with Samantha and me. You should see Angela in a bikini. If you joined us, you would get to see her wearing one."

Ray's mental image of Angela in a bikini was quite pleasant. He asked, "Won't their fair skin burn in the sun?"

Dell laughed, "I'm not sure why we think you are the smart one. Samantha keeps mentioning my giving her massages while we're sipping margaritas underneath some spectacular cabana, at the same time she is listening to the waves. Besides, if she wants to sit in the sun, I'll be right there to ensure that sunscreen is thoroughly applied and reapplied, often. If Angela comes, it would be much better for her to have you to do that job than me or someone else."

Ray smiled while thinking of how curvy those two redheaded sisters were. That was beginning to sound like an interesting trip.

______________

Rosie hired a lawyer and a PI to try to document that she had been deliberately deceived by officers, giving her an out from the postnup, but Dell, Ray and Ty had covered their tracks too well. Their phones had been left behind, and they all had alibis for the time during which they supposedly visited Rosie. She couldn't find any witness that had seen them at her house. Given the cold that Sunday afternoon, everyone was trying to stay indoors.

In the end, she was forced to transfer over half of ALL of her assets, including her inheritance from her parents, to Ray. She debated trying to use some of the remainder to go after him, but decided it wasn't worth it.

Dr. Clint's wife wasn't as understanding. She immediately kicked her husband out of her house and told her father, who was on the hospital board of directors. Rosie and Clint were let go in a sudden round of cutbacks and had to move out of town to find work.

As for Ray and Dell? Cancun was glorious, and they did enjoy ensuring that Samantha and Angela were regularly massaged and, when necessary, protected with plenty of meticulously applied sunscreen. They even managed to spend one day deep sea fishing.

On that day, what they pulled from the water was fun, but the best catch of that day was watching Samantha and Angela sunbathe, topless, on the expansive deck of the boat. Now that's the best kind of fishing.

*****

Thank you for reading this little yarn. I played around with it for months trying to fit it into 750 words. Oh well. Brevity isn't my strength (obviously).

Oh. For those of you that suffered through some of the microscopic chapters in Renaissance Faire. My deepest and most humble apologies. My thought process (flawed, I know) was that chapter length wasn't important because I submitted all the chapters at the same time (initially). I thought (misguidedly) that therefore all chapters would post at the SAME time. Oops. I've been thoroughly castigated and learned my lesson.

NEVER. AGAIN.

Want to read something else light/funny and really, really good? May I suggest:

It Won't Be Long - by Harddaysknight, or

The Ass is Always Greener - by moreandmore

Those two are the standards by which I measure humorous LW tales.