All Comments on 'Gone in Mere Minutes 3 - Sequel'

Like reading a bowl of alphabet soup - simply all over the place

Good story!

5

Brilliant!!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

"psychics professor"? That cracked me up.

Decent but too many deux et machina off stage plot inserts to repair the many logic breaks. One that still mystifies me is the unannounced appearance of the “tape” with some unspecified crucial information. Then you have the entrance of the wife’s friend who makes her accusation and just vanished from the story line with th no follow through. Not to mention the gangster family and daughter deux ex machina then become the central figures to the rather insipidity happy ever after ending.

The whole chaotic mess is really a loosely connected series of story fragments; really an outline that should have been expanded upon with a great deal more pathos and proper foreshadowing segments. Frankly your editor really fell down on the job here because this one should have gone through a great deal of additional rewriting and expansion.

A disappointing 3 stars.

Nice story, love it. AAAAAA++++++

liked it. 5* But really...a psychics professor?

The MC invited this drama into his life. Through no fault of his own, however, the attorney has now been made an accessory after the fact in multiple felonies, including murder, kidnapping and human trafficking. Not a good day at the office...

Nice little addendum to Van1’s third instalment.

Whatever writing program you’re using please please turn off predictive text, if you don’t know how just Google or YouTube it, if only for sanity’s sake.

I think I've worked out why the divorce rate is so high in the US... seems everyone gets married within a year of meeting (or in this case being press ganged).

Everything was just a little convenient, he should have started playing the lottery the ways everything was falling in his favour.

Thanks for posting

Five stars, but almost reduced the rating because of the groaner at the end!

I like your stories a great deal but this one was just so-so. Would like to have gotten Rachael back into the story somehow so she could see what she'd thrown away, even if it was just receiving a postcard from hubby agreeing to stop!

Brilliant job old boy!the wording in A couple sentences were confusing or just maybe the linguistic difference. Maybe once the narrator “I” jumped to the mob boss instead of the husband. Thanks as always for sharing

But the Giants are 7-2!

Any BtB that features the Mexican whorehouse ending is a winner.

Neat little story, but not put together too well. The epilogue seemed to be the best part, making the story itself a prologue. The goal of 'fleshing it out, and giving it an ending' to Vandemoniums' story was partly successful, but no word from the errant wife, or her friend Joanne after being introduced. Maybe Vandemonium will finish this story.......

Good story. Always appreciate a story where the husband doesn't become another victim of blackmail and extortion of Family Court.

Just a well written and fun read! Only quibble: didn’t explain why wife even bothered to send a letter or post card to hubby…or was it really her? Assumption is that she was “involuntarily” gone?

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5 *****

Not very good. Why bring Jo into the story, she contributed nothing. If the whore is alive in South America, why send letters and post cards from anywhere? Sorry but this is just a complete mess.

First of all, the waiting period on reporting a missing person is bogus. Time is of the essence.Even IF the Police won't act on a report for 24/48 hours, you STILL want to report it, lest someone question why you delayed reporting it.

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He supposedly had to wait 24 hours, she went missing on Friday, now it's Sunday, and he'll report it on Monday?

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@servant111 Re: "the unannounced appearance of the “tape” with some unspecified crucial information." - That was the recording he made on his phone, nothing mysterious there.

The country is Colombia, not Columbia. Columbia is actually another name for the USA. (Look it up!)

Good story, but I feel like I should dock you a star and a half for the joke at the end. I'm still in pain.

You're no Vandemonium1.. this story suck'd.. it really really suck'd donkey balls... we never got to hear from the slut😫.. little to no backyard story as to why he suspected.. no details of when or what he recorded his slut wife doing.. it didn't feel like I was reading a story.. it felt like I was just reading someone's thoughts/plot for a story, but the story never manifested. What happened to the police investigation? I don't believe they would just take post cards and one letter just saying "stop looking for me".. they would have to confirm she was in fact the one sending the cards and letters... you are no Vandemonium1'.. I love his writing, I love his stories.. I hated everything about this story.. it didn't make me feel like I was reading a Vandemonium1 story.. it felt like I was reading a story from someone PRETENDING they can write like Vandemonium1...

Nice! Would love to read more about the situation with the cheaters.

I'm already exhausted from all the 'sequels' posted to other people's stories. Might be good, but I'm kind of over it after the million and seven posts about "February sucks even worse than the original story." :-)

I loved the original story, largely because it left us with a vague ending that, while not clearly resolved, felt finished. That said, you did a really nice follow up here. The relationship between Andrew and Carmen was a lot of fun, as was the back-and-forth between her and Mike. Isabella is a bit underdeveloped, but she doesn't really need to be fleshed out more--she's more of a plot device than a character. Only real criticism is that one more editing pass would have helped--there are a few little mistakes that drew attention away from the story. Overall, though, a LOT of fun and a well-deserved 5*.

Nice ending. Good job.

Enjoyed it.

Writers' workshop instructors would give you pretty good marks on style and composition, so well done on that. However, I have to go with servant111's comments from about 8 hours ago regarding the substance of the tale.

Kudos for taking a shot at it. Keep writing.

I liked the read, but confused by his reaction to finding them in bed. Went through a lot of trouble setting them up with the family. How about just sending the film to them? The ending with the marriage to the mop seemed over the top.

Nice sequel! Full marks although it might have been nice to have the ex show back up.

Sow White??? Get an editor.

Pretty good adaptation of a Van1 story although your jokes could use some work.😉😉😉😉😉

Several small editing errors this time, unusual for you, made it obvious this story was rushed together a bit. I did enjoy the first part, but struggled staying engaged in the back half. The police would have been all over him in real life, and having his son keep a secret was pretty bad parenting, not really adding to the story in the long run. Still a strong 4*!

Nice follow up, but why did you feel it necessary to say that the detective Sargeant was African-American? That was necessary.

I liked it a lot. One thing - in real life, I'd avoid a father-in-law who is in the mob. The first marital fight could be your last.

Great story! Baaaaaaaad joke😎

Excellent!

4.5 stars for the story. 1 star for the joke.

This is so far out. Wife disappears. Later on a mob boss tells him the reason . So he did his cheating son in law in . Why send another mans wife to a Columbia whore house . Her cheating did not affect the mob boss. Only the son in law. Total bulshit.

Rutgers psychics professor? Now I know why the football team stinks lol.

WTF is a Leroy Jethro Gibbs? Oh, TV. A parenthetical reference would've been swell to we the uninitiated.

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The scene following the Gibbs reference was stellar--threaded the needle between realistic emotion and that stabbing feeling that's so often over-down on LW. However, that's when the "missing persons" aspect came apart. It began with him knowing what his son witnessed and then telling him to hush it up. The awful thing is that keeping secrets like this always manifests itself down the line as emotional trauma and guilt. Also, once questioned by an adult authority figure, kids will spill these secrets, and that additional guilt adds another layer to the trauma.

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Plus, hubby will fail the polygraph, which is always step one in a missing person's investigation. While it cannot be used in a grand jury or trial, the failure will mean that the cops will stay after him until he cracks or they can frame him/find evidence. Jo-Anna will also fail it. The Detective will be all over them.

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His cell phone data will also put him at the home in the middle of the afternoon, and once the cops subpoena that, he must explain the videos. The only thing MC left out of the suite of things to trip up himself was posting it on social media. Criminals are inherently dumb, and this guy was right up near the top quartile. 3/5.

Needed work . Conversations were hard to follow . Who was talking to who , that kind of thing .

Must have made perfect sense to you as you wrote it , but to us readers ,not so clear .

Vandy writes great stories with very little room for improvement .

My advice , go add something to someone else's story .

2 *

DK

Great info on the technique, method of revenge, and a brilliant recovery in terms of marriage partner and family. Only one slight fault: What The Fuck Happened to turn his former loyal loving faithful wife and mother into some asshole scum bag's whore? Its like writing a story about winning a war, but never bothering to explain what started the war, especially between two countries that were formerly united and working together.

And it begs for the obvious sequel: The whore will eventually escape, but turned out, or just abandoned once the venereal disease and associated illnesses make her worthless as a prostitute. All kinds of possibilities. Maybe someone will use the opportunity to have the bitch explain, before she dies or takes her own life. Just saying. Thanks for the effort.

I liked it. I think it could have done with another proof read pass, but I got over some of the typos. I'll have to read the original though to understand the story better, as it seemed I came into the middle of the story when the talk of tapes and such were mentioned.

I gave it 5 stars though as I thought it was pretty good.

Thanks for the follow up. Three stars.

A bit too many flaws for a higher rating:

- Called the cops about 30 minutes after she came up missing.

- 24 hrs to formally report wifey missing turned in to 48+ hours. Police stations are not 9 to 5, M-F.

- Mobster couldn't figure out where the text came from? Even with dudes number on it?

- Friend comes barreling in asking what he did to her, then back pedals 10 seconds later?

- Finally, original was flash brief. Follow up is a paper back by comparison.

could figure out where the text came from.

Agree with Lane. Good story, joke not so much.

Liked it. You need a proofreader/editor.

Good job, LT! Loved it!

I'm sorry, I gyess I mussed something. What happened to his wife, is she in a whore house in Mexico, or what? What was with the ex wife telling him to quit looking for hrt?

Liked the story however cannot understand why writers on this site cannot get that Colombia the country and Columbia are not the same place or spelling. You are by no means alone in this, and it's a small criticism on an enjoyable little yarn.

Thanks, mate for doing my original story justice, loved it.

And thanks also for clearing up one of life's mysteries. I always wondered who wrote Christmas cracker joke.

"WHERE IS SHE?" she bellowed. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HER?" - Now, WHY would she think he had done something to her? Is there something that she's done that would cause him to do something to her?

The ex-wife of the hung guy falling for the cuckold was too much of a stretch. United in betrayal only goes so far. Way too pat.

When people disappear and its implied they died why destroy the family because the wife is stupid and then bring in the mob sorry, you can do better

Umm, it went off the rails in the lawers office. "She's a fine pice of...." and then it just stops. If it was a real father there would have been a nuclear explosion. His Son was scard from what he saw and his daughter was now suspicious of her brother. The mother and father would have been lucky to make it out alive on that alone but then for them to offer up their daughter as compensation, really?? Definately WTF. It's almost as if a different writer picked up the story at that point. Sorry, good construction and use of the english language but other than that it fails hard. 2 stars

Indicates what a low bar the btb crowd sets for a good, believable story. That bar so low it is actually on the ground!

Was there a story, here?

What about Jo-Anne the neighbor yelling at him?

Enjoyed this story, great follow up. Thanks for your writing.

A real fairy tale from your ending.

4* I would have preferred some input from the ex-wife. no reason for her cheating etc.

Colombia and Columbia mess is a sign of a lack of general education, not just a common misspelling.

The whole story is a verbal mess with less than credible resolution with a typical cliché about mafia.

Where to begin? First of all, not many readers were from Jersey. If you are, you would know that a lot of Italian-American dads, whether they are mob related or not, defer to their wives. He had checked Mike out for a year and knew what he was about. PLUS, his daughter loved him. And no one said anyone was killed. Just GONE. Try having the cops look for someone if they haven't been missing for 24 hours. Especially a wife. Not gonna happen. they knew he had reported her, but they couldn't, or wouldn't do anything for 24 hours- officially. picky, picky, picky. The only thing I take the blame for is 'Sow White'. (Dam spell check!)

You guys didn't even catch the lawyer's name. Joseph Mahmah. (Joe Mama ??) But the Bear has a thick hide, and all the anons on L/W are like this. Thanks for reading. I WILL KEEP WRITING!

The BEAR

You are a fan of Vandemonium1? You should know by now that that guy is focused on demeaning women in every story he writes, he apparently enjoys that. I would not be surprised that he is some type with a long criminal past in regard to women.

What is so attractive about him and his stories? These are the types of people that turn out to be involved in domestic violence, rapists, serial murderers of women etc.

That was without a doubt one seriously screwed up, disjointed story that made zero sense.

Gotta be honest, I personally would have preferred an ending with bio-Mom being returned and allowed to live out her days seeing her husband and kids happy with the woman that her lover spurned, and her getting supervised visitation. I am not a fan of the “cheater is sold as a sex slave” trope in general. 1) Most cheaters don’t deserve that fate 2) Humans can dissociate too easily (family is gone - forget they ever existed) 3) The kids deserve a chance to truly know their bio-Mom.

Really hard to follow. If I am to understand things, the mob bosses son in law, was having affairs, and hurting the families “ reputation”. So Father in law had him disappear, and sent his last conquest, overseas to become a whore in a brothel. And they decided that the husband of said whore, should now marry their daughter? A little far fetched, if you ask me. Also, no real lead in to this. I gave it 3 stars.

Weird plot. However the dialog on the second page was funny. The part where he sees the mob boss looking like he is debating the betting line on an NFL game was priceless.

I’m not sure what to say about this, , the plot line started off ok but I’m not sure if you got feed up with it or were trying to write as few words as possible, it is lacking a lot.

I would have taken a few more lines to have him go rub it into his wife, how well he was doing making sure that she wasn’t,

WTF was that all about?

Missing portions of this story

So we did, and I showed him the tape and the messages and told him what I thought had happened. He sat and listened.

Then he started: "I didn't think she was like that. And with a slime like him. So, what do you want?"

Uh, where did this come from? There was *no* tape and there were *no* messages. She was just GONE, and Mike had no clue. So, how did his lawyer know it was "with a slime like him"? Big plot holes...

"...a psychics professor" Indeed, I think I took a class from him!

I can't think of any mob movie where the Don is this talkative about la cosa nostra with those outside la Famiglia.

Story was great! Gave it a 5. But the joke......

Bof, très déçu par ce blablabla. L'auteur a déjà fait mieux.

entertaining story but many errors.

A well told tale Bear, however you were absolutely correct with the GROAN. Damn, that was a bad joke

A major F*ck up not realizing Vandys signature Now lighten the fuck up ending. Lol. Jesus, you might as well just run over his wife and kick his dog..... Or vice versa lol.

"psychics professor"? Or should it be "Physics"?

The Vandemonium1 story is actually called, "Gone in Minutes" chapters 1 - 6. Not a big fan of afore mentioned Author but he's alright. Story was okay.

Great story, corny joke.

Felt like I've already read this