by cpete
I usually like your stories but this was just a loose sequence of adages and one-liners with some factual filler to imitate a story. Funny for the first papagraphs but it grew old quickly. For a joke it was too long, for some kind of satire it was too limited.
Great Story & Funny as hell .
You should write more often, this site can use more quality stories like this one.
Did I mention funny?
Laughed so hard I nearly pee'd myself!
I keep saying in most of my comments about cheaters being stupid. Here we have a tremendous tale proving my point. It's a shame that innocent Dean was damaged because of the worthless cunt's action but in the end she got what was coming to her. Fiction though it may be it shows the attitude of these so called "privileged women" who believe their shit doesn't stink.
I guess it does.
Five Stars
the other 3 don't seem in too good of a shape. TK U MLJ LV NV
This started out to be amusing, but then spiraled down the rabbit hole.
For a woman to start acting like Barb after only 5 years and with no kids to set the hook tells me that she was not wife material. She was a "what's in it for me?" type of person. She didn't hide it. She was a selfish bitch and her husband should have known this and should have been on alert. She was a despicable and unlovable bitch.It is not worth getting beat to a pulp for an oaf like her. This is a major flaw in the story. Why did he put up with her? Was there something wrong with him? This question was never answered. I would have walked out long before she cheated. She was a shit wife.
Stretching to fit it banal puns and silly aphorisms detracted from an already depressing story. And poor Shelly did nothing wrong. Dean is an asshole, and nobody in the story is worth taking the time to read this sorry tale.
previous comments covered the bases. Started out okay. Then spiraled right on down the hole. I guess it was too many one liners. Thanks for posting though.
well done. Five stars. It was disappointing that the husband allowed her actions to change him into such a disagreeable person. Of course, I feel like there is more to the story. Would love to see this continue.
I didn't think it could be done; 3 pages of nothing but clichés for dialog. Very impressive. Not the story but the ability to pull that off.
You've done much better than this.
When I finished page two I prayed page three wasn't too long. That kind of says it all.
But NOT cpete's usual standards. Only about 1 in a 100 posting here is from a good author (and cpete is one of the good ones). However, in this case Dean did get too much of the short stick.
From the person who wrote "Blood from a Turnip". Which is one of the best stories on Lit to this. I think this should be in NonErotic. You can do so much better.
The good are too good, the bad are too stupid to be believable...
Even in LW "reality" I don't think a nice guy like Dean would have turned SO mean as to ruin Sheila.
As for Barb, to worry about her husband's ex, who he broke up with long before they met is ridiculous, even if it WAS Marge who dumped Dean.
Finally, at the end I thought we were going to find out that Dean was back with Marge since he was no longer too "nice" for her!
only because it was better then all the sickos stories posted on this site on this day.
So far over the top that it was good. Some of the one liners were a bit tired but I recognize it's hard to get everything in a comedy routine right. Yes, Barb is an incredibly stupid and self centered woman. Isn't that the norm for loving wives that cheat? But like everything else in the story, she is persistent at it and over the top. After all that happens, when she meets Marge she states that it was all Marge's fault for starting the whole mess. Absolutely clueless. The business guy might have had the card but Barb was the shithead.
Barb was nothing more than a selfish self centered bitch who nothing nor nobody would ever be good enough for. Truth be told, for people like that, things always end badly. Did feel sorry for Shelly tho.
@KarenE
Dean was not just cheated on but fucked up mentally and physically as well. The trauma to his head along with the lingering pain he mentions, could easily cause the personalty shift of don't be a nice guy as they finish last.
So original that I ignored all of the irritating platitudes and cliches and still enjoyed it.
is a noble ambition, but the reality often comes up short. You have us believing the guy is in a world of hurt, but he cannot stop using clichés and punch lines. It was oversaturated with them and add in the depressing nature of the story, and there were few laughs.
Original, the cliches got a little cliche towards the end, and speaking of end, that was not as satisfactory as I woulda liked, but that is me, it is your story. Would love to see you write a story with the femaie being smart and deep and seen sympathetically by the readers, but also making a mistake and the process of working it out.
Dont know if you have that type of story in you, but you are a good writer of the BTB kind and would love to see what stretching your story type would result in.
Till the end. I could understand it being a change from a brain injury but hurting Shelly was sad. Then again where was she when the stupid wife got drunk?
Leonji
This whole story was an atrocious cliche, from the "perfect" husband to the BTB ending. Kudos to the author for one accomplishment, I actually feel sorry for the exwife and believe Dean would have been better off dead. At least he wouldn't have ruined so many other people's lives.
I never saw so many cliche's strung together in one story, ever. It was like a ball of string keeping a badly wrapped package from coming asunder. It was funny, sad and just a bit over the top, but likeable and eminently readable.
what are we ever going to do with you ?? klusterfuck was a perfect description.... good story , thank you for sharing with us .. a 4 from me
It isn't easy making a story out of cliches. Pretty funny, a five.
until I realized it was just a vehicle for a comedy routine. I kept waiting for Rodney Dangerfield to show up as the divorce lawyer. Loving Wives is appropriate, but it might fit better in the Humor section. Viewing it as a comedy schtick I could care less about the story or the characters. So I have to give it a five for clever wit and humor. OK, not all the jokes were that good, and there was a lot of overplayed repartee. But it was like a really good but inexpensive bottle of wine: you know you're not supposed to like it, but, damn, its good!
Thanks for a lot of laughs. I hope you get the two lead characters back together for an encore, well the cat too, of course. They're a great comedy team. I can easily see the motorcycle gang meeting up with the exwife at the Hicksville Resort, with all kinds of humiliation or reconciliation possibilities. What do ya think?
Ole hubby throwing more one liners than Arnold does in a movie
It was very enjoyable. The story shows how one person's stupidity can bring down everyone around them! The truth is that everyone including Tom was burned.
So if you do not want to be collateral damage get away from fools.
I have to say I am glad that he didn't end up with Princess New Wife perfect in every sense, beautiful, sexy, rich and adoring him into his grave. BUT, it is so sad that a formerly great guy didn't at least end up happy in some sense. I know his love and life were terribly damaged but the way he ended up means the whore won and to me that is not acceptable.
It leaves me with not liking the guy or the whore. I didn't think Shelly deserved what happened to her either.
At least I liked the "Tom" cat.
Thanks for your efforts. CB
One star, the single, worst score I've ever given an online story. Even Pastis wouldn't have Rat saying the increasingly annoying bon mots with which this story is littered.
Well worth the read. Enjoyed much of the humor in this one. As nice as Dean and Marge were however, I can't see him turning into such a total asshole. Really needs another chapter to show he returned to a more normal personality and Marge somehow coming out on top, perhaps with Deans help since it was obvious Marge loved Dean. It might have been a better story if Marge had clued Dean in to what Barb did and helped him nail her. In any event, you present us with another good read. Looking forward to your next one.
I've enjoyed some of your past stories. This was well written. But it simply wasn't any fun to read. It was just a horrible story, populated with horrible characters doing despicable things. Not a single entertaining part to it. I can't remember when I've been this disappointed in a story. It feels like you have a tremendous amount of anger at someone or something and you poured it into this story. And the giant hole in this story is that it's obvious that Dean had a ton of money and in the divorce she got nothing. You want us to believe she was so stupid she couldn't hire a lawyer that would have gotten her a LOT of his money? That just added insult to injury as far as this mess was concerned. Maybe next time something at least readable? No stars.
Actually in the Wizard of Oz three women fight to the death over a pair of shoes. And two of them die.
You've written some great stories in the past but half way through this one just plain turned ugly. I'm sure you can do better, much better.
Tiny Tim
Either your editor is dumb as cat shit, or you added a load of mistakes.
One example: "My mine was numb..." What kind of mine? Lead?
The wife was actually entertainng in a way, but no one stretches the boundaries of greed and stupidity like this cow. It's as though you were hell-bent on making us despise her.
There are the makings of a decent story here, but you just went too far over the top. Once you sacrifice credibility, you've lost it.
Yours was shit though. I like some of the sayings and actually will use a few of them. The story, not as interesting. I was hoping you would pull it off at the end but, you didn't.
So, my overall comment is welcome back! Hey, this time, stay awhile!
Well OK, for me, it seemed that you had a goal. I think you achieved it. Yes, overloading the story with "cliche one-liners and punchlines" was going to push the envelope of comedy timeing in an otherwise sad story, but the simple fact was that the placement of said turns-of-phrase was actually very well done. I too admit to enjoying many of the 'chestnuts', and reading them aloud to my wife, who fully responded with the appropriate chuckle or groan, as was warranted.
Beyond that, I actually thought that it was kinda of a bold move to turn Dean in to such an over the top asshole. Actually more stories that illustrate the consequences of cheating and broken hearts, need to show that this is a very likely outcome....especially for a wounded man. Just ask Sugna, (no offense buddy), but to me it seems that bitter resentment is one of the MAIN responses in a guy who has been cheated on. So in an otherwise UNrealistic portrayal of events, this for me stood out as very true-to-life.
As far as our narrator goes, being the stupid, selfish, too-late-to-start-caring-now, alcoholic, fornicator with strangers.........Yes the Stangstar homage was just as much of a cliche as some of the well greased aphorisms you used. But, you DID spend some time on her internal dialogue, and you DID spend some time explaining how her character got to this point, and (best of all), you let us know that you, as the author, don't view ALL women that way- just her. Again, I saw her as just being what the story needed to make it work out the way you envisioned it. I don't find any flaw with THAT.
Well was it your best story? Probably not. But see, I don't think that THAT was your goal, either. I think you wanted something, not overly complicated, that MOST folks would/could enjoy. I'm sure that some people hate Hemmingway, but I don't think that you ever tried to be him, or thought for one moment that this story would gain acceptance alongside of the all-time greats. For what it is, and for what it was supposed to be, It works just fine for me. And it Damn sure was the best LW story of the day! So thankyou very much Cpete. You are definately appreciated. Can't wait to read some more from you!
I was once the dedicated IT guy for the library research function of an international financial services consulting firm. They started calling the library function "information resources" because the word "library" had baggage; I didn't like it, but I went along. After leading a successful global project I got promoted to manager, and got to help create my job title--Manager, Information Resource Technology. What I liked about it was that I was almost assured of getting promoted to "director" if I didn't screw up. My final position there, never filled after me, was Director, Information Resource Technology (D.I.R.T.)
If Shelly was such a good friend why didn't she stop Barb getting so drunk? After all she had Leroy and his buddies as backup.
Then somebody flushed.
Not sure where this was really going but it ended with a WTH? conclusion.
I loved it, all of it (except for the repeated relator/realtor thing, but that's me being retarded).
I too loved the S.H.I.T.Head bit, but the bit that really cracked me up was...
_______________________________________
"Dean looked at his cigar. "This? My grandfather lived to 95 years old."
"Smoking cigars?" The relator asked with a quizzical look on her face.
"No" Dean replied putting the cigar back in his mouth. "He lived to 95 years old by minding his own God damn business."
_______________________________________
So fun.
The only sad bit is that Dean was eternally altered by the cunt's actions. But it is obvious he has a path ahead, albeit a bitter, lonely one.
An obvious 5 stars. No wimps or humiliation-seeking freaks here.
Thanks heaps.
are you lucky not to sit in front of me. I would put a bullet between your eyes just for writing such an erotic story.
your definitly wrong here
Barb was an ignorant asshole. Too bad Dean turned into an asshole in the end. It seems like holding on to the anger and bitterness will keep him tied to Barb in some way.
A loser like you needs to have some bullets and a gun to shoot it out of.
At best a little wimp like you is shooting blanks.
Stick to reading stories with less big words you cannot understand!
This felt like three stories with completely different tones and goals were chopped up in a blender and glued together without thought. From line to line to line, it's jumping from a gripping life vignette to a Stangstarian cartoon with mindless characters to a consequences-and-development novella. It's really jarring and weird to have all these completely disconnected tones vying for dominance. When a character has been brutalized and permenantly damaged, having them match this ugly reality to a bunch of cheese ball one liners feels absolutely surreal and unsettling.
Not your best work, but interesting to read.
good story that provided the necessary elements, (background, conflict and consequences), I also loved that the author didnt turn dean into the noble victim. great story, hope you give us another one soon.
It also has a lot of mistakes. Get an editor and either write better stories or stop.
I can't remember ever reading a story with so many new and old zingers packed into a relatively short piece. Very entertaining and worth 5 ***** from me. Well done!
First off ... is i LW? Sweetie(?) is remarkably disrespectful and unappreciative, etc. But, is she adventurous? She got stinking drunk and, while still sober, was impressed by a guy who she thought might be an upgrade. Very thin edge of adventurous, if at ALL.
Second off ... is it EROTIC? Not for a blinking second! Certainly not when she wakes up, still drunk, from the pain of a cock in the early stage of being forced into her unlubricated ass. Or the BJ she was reluctantly preparing to deliver to rid herself of Shithead as expeditiosly as she, drunk, could conceive.
Third off ... is it funny? Yeah, pretty much! A few cliches ... not funny! A surfeit of them ... it gets hilarious!
Fourth off ... is there a useful moral? Kinda ... but anyone (except Tom) finding himself or herself in ANY role in this saga should just go immediately to Myanmar, leaving everyhing behind!
Rating? Has me stumped. Just average out what each comment section above sounds like! Not 1, nor 5.
I guess turning Dean into an angry loner was needed, but it made for a sad ending. You broke a record for clichés per printed inch. Good stuff though.
Too many 1 one liners No pain for the wife. As a rule this author writes some pretty good stuff and I usually go out of my way to read his latest entry. A couple of one liners is in a story like this makes a pretty enjoyable and can be rather effective.
But after the 5 or 6 one ... it actually makes the story a lot worse.
The other problem is the end of the story. The wife's lover appears to have been seriously injured in the fight and by the large black cat wounding his genitalia. The husband has become the partially crippled person and every sense of the word. His entire personality has been changed ...his looks are vastly different ...his speech is very different and his emotional makeup is vastly different.
The wife? Doesn't seem to suffer anything.
From the opening of the story the wife appears to be an exceptionally selfish and sell centered self absorbed CUNT. She is not just upset because he leaves the toilet seat up from time to time. The wife's obsession with the concept that her husband before they were married one out with somebody who the wife thinks is beneath her ... shows a mindset and psychological makeup which is far deeper and more sinister than it appears .
In fact if you go back and read beginning of the story... it is clear that the wife has some serious deep seated resentment and outright hatred directed towards her husband. And no matter what sort of advice the wife's friend at the Bar can offer .. the wife absolutely refuses to see past it.
Harryin VA's analysis is pretty much spot on.
Though the wife's lover did deserve what happened to him, he was in another mans house and attacked him with what amounts to lethal force, with intent to cause severe injury.
Did not know it was the husband is no excuse, as he also did not know it was not him.
The hateful cheating bitch got off too easy.
If she wanted to get a better (in her mind) husband she should have just been honest and divorced.
Shelly got punished way more than she deserved, it was not her responsibility to keep Barb from cheating, and she had tried to talk sense into her for a long time.
If only things had been less violent, Shelly and Dean would have made a good couple, she appreciated him far more than his wife did.
Dean is probably brain damaged resulting in his personality change.
Too dark of a story for me to appreciate the humor fully.
The cat named Tom was genius! Loved it. Sorry, I am an Anon because I hate the pass word Bull****!
Does the whole town talk in cliches? Too long a walk through metaphorville...
won't ever get the stench off me after reading this story. If I wanted reality I would just listen to my patients or sit in a coney island and listen.
She was a damaged person since the beginning...what caused it? Her selfish and self centered character? Something that happen to her and made all that damage? She needed psychological help and nor her husband neither her best friend saw it? She didn't needed punishment...she was so damaged that her end will be suicide...The best of the story? THE CAT...
...well maybe just good jokes in the form of quotes to repeat to my co workers.
It's reminiscent of JPB's stories with out "open mike night at the Landing strip." It was good for a few laughs.
As far as Dean changing to an over the top bad guy...well he can chock that up to brain damage and get a way with it.
I gave it 5*s with a two beers in me
Fortunately, there are more stories to write.
5 stars because of what it isn't, a story about some husband fantasizing about hiding in a closet jerking off while listening to his wife getting fucked by some giant black guy with a 12 inch dick, which seems to be the only topic submitted in LW any more. Thank God for small favors, like this less than perfect LW story.
Please sir, can I have another?
WHO THE FUCK CARES?
Her friend kept telling her not to do stupid shit. Her husband treated her like a queen. That wasn't good enough for her. When I started suffering from panic attacks and depression, I went to see a doctor. I didn't wait for a mythical person to force me to go, because I knew something was wrong. This woman knew something was wrong and instead of talking to her husband, sucking it up and going to the doctor, or fucking some dude that looked like the golden egg, she chose to fuck the dude.
As the song says, "Some people claim that there's a <man> blame, but I know it's my own damn fault. The only victims in the story were Shelly, Dean, and the cat.
.....every cheated-on man's fantasy story! Well, maybe not. It seems everyone got burned and life for all of them sucked ever after.
Too bad, it might have been interesting if the players hadn't all come out of it like survivors of the apocalypse.
Gosh! You wrote something different! A nice guy's happy life was ruined and he became bitter. You threw in a bunch of interesting old, and new, one liners. A stupid promiscuous woman forced herself to try to come to terms with something she didn't fully understand. For the other comment writers that was Barb. All that and people got angry with you?
I know why so many comments turned into complaints! Dean didn't become a whining 'how could you do this to me' limp dicked milquetoast. The big black guy wasn't a 'bad assed bull' but a nice gay friend. Dean didn't get excited about the prospect of slurping some interloper's semen from his wife's vagina. Barb wasn't kidnapped and shipped to Mexico to wait tables in a filthy brothel. Oh heck, gee, maybe because it was interesting, different, and even a little funny.
Let this be a warning. Never experiment when putting out something on the Internet that's free. Never try anything new or different. Remember, 'I Love Lucy' is still a top performing situation comedy.
Thanks for the story. I enjoyed every word.
I do have one nagging little question. Just what did Dean ever see in Barb that led him to marry her?
The stupidity in the wife is so absurd that I felt sorry for her, being a victim of the author. At least Barb got smart in the end while Dean got stupid.
Excellent writing.
The story left me feeling sad.
Everyones loves were ruined, not even a glimmer of a happy ending for anyone.
I guess Dean got his memory back. Well written story. Definately not a feel good story. True, she didn't appreciate Dean or her marriage and was ripe to cheat but man, talk about consequences for one drunken mistake. I think this is a good example where it would have been better if everybody died except Shelly. I think Shelly would agree with me. Holy Shit This story gives a whole new meaning to scorched earth policy. Thanks for the story (I think).
Bitterness due to betrayal was a nice touch.But why Shelly ? She was portrayed as a wonderful lady, the only likable character.It just ruined the story for me.And what about the divorce settlement?
Also,I agree with some of the comments.The story has SS06 written all over it.Extremes of all kind.Please do not go there, it's not worth the effort.
Thanx,however,for the droplets of humor.
Good enough? Sorry.No.
In seeing her husband and marriage in a seriously blindered selfish perspective, she engaged in thoughts and actions that were inevitably guaranteed to lead to pain for Dean.
Clearly he sustained cranial trauma... the thought that his whole life got fucked up while TRYING to protect her - from an incorrectly perceived situation - just makes it that much worse.
It's kind of like the movie Harvey. Where the cab driver comes in wanting his fare... and relates how whatever they do to the people he brings up turns the people from nice guys into complete assholes (paraphrasing)...
It's just in this case she didn't listen to "the cab driver" (Shelley) and everyone suffered for it.
I'm sure if Dean knew what he would become - and do - he'd have rather died in the fall.
I liked this a bit better than the first time, but I still don't agree with Dean ruining Shelly.
And I don't see Shithead having any case in a civil suit. He may have been an invited guest and not a rapist, but he DID attack Dean, whose self-defense was the cause o his injuries.
My only second thoughts about criticizing his treatment of Shelley is that he DID suffer head trauma, so who knows how that affected his personality?
are never close enough to the real truth. TK U MLJ LV NV
Their was was enough there of a complete humoress story.....billl
5Sssss
With those that disagree with the way he ruined Shelley,(if that makes sense). She tried her best to get Barb to grow a brain, and see what she had. Shelley wasn't a babysitter, it wasn't her job to watch Barb 24 hours a day. She did what she could. She wasn't helping Barb, or covering for her, but was trying to get her to grow up and stop being a spoiled brat. Shelley had a business to run, so unless she physically restrained Barb, she couldn't watch Barb full-time. It wasn't Shelley's job to keep Barb's legs closed! Yes, she broke the law by asking Barb to help out behind the bar, but the key word is BEHIND. She asked her to WORK, not play. She never sent her out to be a slut, (In fact, she tried to prevent Barb from doing that). Barb was the one drinking, and making her own decisions, and that was going to happen, either way.
How did Dean2.0 learn the truth of 'That night'? Barb certainly wanted to keep it secret, hoping he didn't remember, so it obviously wasn't from her. From Shithead? Dean thought he raped her, on that faithful night, which Shithead would deny for obvious reasons, but there is no way Dean would believe him, or his friends. So he must have learned the truth from the detectives, and they must have learned the truth from the only believable source; Shelley!
Proving that Shelley REALLY got the shitty end of the stick, for not only telling the truth, at the cost of her friendship, but for sticking up for Dean in the first place, at the cost of her livelihood!
In the end, the only real losers were Shelley, for obvious reasons, and Dean. The real Dean lost, because he died that night, being replaced with a completely different personality. After all, we are not merely our physical selves, but the person we are is defined by our personality! When that personality is gone, the person is gone.
Barb may have lost her meal ticket, and may have lost out financially, but out of the three, Dean and Shelley lost the most.
The only real loser in this story is shelly she did evrything wright the only things she could do was phisacly stop her ore theathing she would tell her husband if she whent for the drinks and lets just face it she a friend and not her master she gave evry bit of advice a friend should give. and good burned heavenly sad just sad
there are alot of people who live just becouze its ilegal to kill them realy struck home for himself to!
there were way too many to keep track of.
While I still believe that he was too hard on Shelley, maybe Shelley, knowing Barb's mental state, should have had Barb serve the Gay Softball League rather than the suits, who could (and did!) provide temptation.
Took half the time to get to the meat of the story. It wandered a little then but was entertaining. Hard to endure such a blatantly self-centered character, but it was the reason for the adventure.
Wasn't his wife paying all of his medical costs? If he barred her, and moved to divorce her, couldn't or shouldn't she have stopped paying all the medical bills? As for shithead, civil suit or not, the courts take a dim view about a person losing their residence over these things. This is from personal experience after a civil suit from a car accident.
How fucking stupid are you? Asking reality questions about a story that is fiction? Damn.
Anyway the fucking stupid whore got what was coming to her.
"Tomato, tamato." - the difference is in the second syllable, not the first: To-may-to, To-mah-to. Check out "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off".
"I won't, this just a bit of a payback for Dean about Marge." - How is CHEATING with Shithead payback for Dean being with Marge before they even met?
"Shelly was too busy to keep track of my stupidity." - She couldn't have been too busy to see you leaving with Shithead! And as I said in an earlier comment, she could have had Barb serve the gay softball league, especially knowing her state of mind. I do feel sorry for her, she TRIED to screw Barb's head on straight, Barb just refused to listen.
the whore deserved MUCH worse .
but what she got was acceptable =)
All those aphorisms. Whole conversations between two people comprised solely of aphorisms - I've never seen that before and it struck me as funny. Good story, well written. Another 5 stars. Thanks.
I confess I love "pussy" .....Cats! Yeah Baby! Story was good but not good if you get my drift! I'm glad that Tom is OK! Anybody who hurts Animals is just an advocate for the Red Tailed Dude with the Pitch Fork! Anyway that's my Comment 4★ WOOF!
For mortgaging her house, selling her property to pay off for Dean's medical bills. If she knew the dick he would turn out to she would have written him off and started fresh.
Marge's first discussion made me think the author must have seen that seinfeld episode where Seinfeld was dating a girl Newman had broken up with and was going nuts how Newman could have broken up with her and Newmans says "she might be ok for you, but I need a woman with a really pretty face".
In the beginning the quotes were funny, it got annoying with too much from Dean towards the end.
She got exactly what she deserved. Without Dean she would have lost the house years ago. She had such an overinflated opinion of herself that there was no other course that her life could take. Even now, if she doesn't change her life doesn't get any better than it is now. The only sad part of the story is Dean and how she changed him from the guy he was into the hardened guy he is now. Even the guy she fucked, who apparently didn't know she was married, deserved better than a lifetime of being wheelchair bound. As far as Sally, collateral damage from being her friend.
I think the house was mortgaged to pay off Shithead's lawsuit, not Dean's medical bills. Just one stupid wife making a drunken mistake that cost her everything. Where can I find a cat like that badass Tom?