Gosford Bloody Tanner's Fault

"I saw Annabel and Darren visiting you last night and I must confess that at the time I thought they were your supposed new family. I was upset seeing you kiss the kid and then your cheap floozie. That was why I was just a little bit pissed at you last night. But we have cleared up that little misunderstanding in timely fashion first thing this morning. A very childish little trick on your part I might say, sweetheart."

Oh-oh, I thought, there was a glint of triumph in her eye and I remembered well that glint from old, when we were kids, I never, ever had the upper hand in our relationship. Not once. Mandy manipulated me from day one and my life was never my own. I was in trouble, deep shit, and there was nothing I could do about it. Mandy always could twist me around her little finger. She was very good at it, she'd been practicing on me since ... well before we were even teenagers.

"But," she continued, triumphantly, "I spoke with the Day Nurse, nice lady that Brenda, first thing this morning and she told me all about your living arrangements. So I got Annabel's number from your admission form and called her." Mandy paused for effect, willing me to engage with her.

"And?" I asked, having inevitably accepted my cue as the stupid straight man, she obviously had all the best lines - who writes crap like this anyway? Well, I knew I was beaten and back reeling on the ropes. I could have taken a mandatory count, but she had paused waiting for a response and I simply didn't have a clever one to hand.

"I knew she'd be up early in the morning with a lively two-year-old at home. So I rang her first thing. Annabel told me all about her hubby Gordon and their upcoming happy event and how delighted she would be if you vacated the room at your earliest convenience so they could get the bedroom refitted ready for the new arrival. There's no time like the present, so I'm going round this afternoon to pack your stuff in your car and take it home with me."

"What? You can't take my stuff or my car!" I protested.

"Yes I can, what's yours is mine, remember, husband! I have spoken to your Station Chief, again his mobile number was on your admission form as your work contact, and he is bringing down your car during visiting hours today and will hand over the keys to me."

"I suppose you're happy now, aren't you?" I snapped, "Rubbing it in that what's mine is yours and what's yours is anyone's except mine!"

"That's such a nasty thing to say to me," she sniffed.

"It's a nasty thing you did to me!"

She sat on the chair beside my bed and looked at me sadly for a full minute.

"You are right, it was a nasty thing I did to you and I have carried it around with me like a deadweight around my neck for five years. Believe me, I will have to live with it for the rest of my life. I know it was my fault that I have destroyed our marriage. I realise that your parents also split when you were still a child and you had to grow up without a father. I just don't want our children to suffer like you did any longer. I need you to be the Dad you should be, otherwise you will be just as big an arse as that arsehole that ruined our marriage."

"Sounds like you're ready to kick that other arsehole out," I observed.

"That arsehole was never in in the first place, didn't you listen to a single word I said yesterday?" she spat.

"I warned you a couple of months before when Gosford Tanner was flirting with you at that evening meal we went on with your department and you were flirting back at him just as badly, just as embarrassing to me."

"He was my boss, he was being friendly and he never took it too far."

"So while he was banging you in that bedroom you didn't think that he was taking things a little too far then, huh?"

"I was drunk and drugged and ... I thought he was you!"

"It was still bloody daylight out!"

"I had my eyes closed!"

I had nothing more I could contribute. She went quiet for a while, too.

"I made one mistake, one mistake only, which was completely unintentional and I've been paying the price for it ever since. Our kids are paying for it. And you are too. Let's make this clear, I was not seduced by Gosford Tanner, I was not a willingly participant, I was duped. I was effectively raped. Now I know that I will never be happy again for as long as I live. Just don't destroy your children's happiness as well as mine because of something I did, just so that you can use them to punish me.

"I'm pleading with you here, James, please love your children as they deserve and have them back in your life even if it is just seeing them a couple of times a week. If you come back with me to recuperate you could live with them again and see them every day for a while and rebuild a relationship with your children. Five years without a father is too long for any child."

"I miss the kids like mad," I admitted, "I think about them every day, I see so many things that remind me of them, especially lately, it drives me crazy."

"See, come home just for your recovery and recuperation and get to know them again. Then take it from there-"

"We are not sleeping to-"

"No!" she snapped, "Of course. Absolutely not. We will definitely not be sleeping together. Besides, you will have to stay downstairs for the first few weeks anyway until you are mobile again, so we will put you in the dining room. We mostly eat in the kitchen anyway and we never entertain."

"I still don't want to go back, even having you here around me for just a few minutes brings back memories that I hoped I had forgotten. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about you and Gosford Tanner."

"It's about time you manned-up and faced what happened to us and get used to it," she put on her full school-ma'am demeanour, "And take on your responsibilities for once instead of running away and playing silly bloody fireman. Honestly, men!"

A nurse came to the entrance of the ward and smiled at us, catching Mandy's attention.

"Oh, goody," Mandy said with a huge grin on her face, getting up and walking through the doorway after the departing nurse, saying over her shoulder, "It's almost bed-bath time, we're both going to have lots of fun with this, honey!"

"Oh, no!" I groaned.

It was five minutes later that Mandy returned with all the accoutrements she needed and proceeded to remove my hospital smock under the watchful eye of the impressively-built Nurse Wilma. I wasn't able to wear the pyjama bottoms because of the leg cast, so I was necessarily naked under the smock. She carefully removed the dressing on my head, then Wilma leaned over to check the deep cut on my forehead. This had been caused when my face guard was smashed by a wooden beam and the jagged edge of the guard cut me along the forehead close to the hairline. It had a number of stitches to keep it knitted together while a few other smaller scratches had butterfly tapes to minimise scarring while they healed. My forehead wound was examined and Wilma said the dressing could be left off for now to let the air get at it.

Mandy washed my hair, which was cut very short, so it wasn't too big a job and easy to hand dry with a towel. Actually, Mandy was a lot gentler than the nurses had been the last bed bath I had a day earlier. Then she removed my sling and smock, revealing the colourful bruises on my right shoulder, back and sprained right wrist. Every time I winced, both Mandy and Wilma clucked their irritation at my male wimpishness.

I couldn't help it, I hurt all over and that was before they had even started.

Mandy did gasp with a sharp intake of breath though, when the dressings on my broken ribs were removed. A beam had fallen on my torso breaking two ribs and bruising a couple more, the ends of the fractured ribs had punctured through muscle and skin leaving a couple of nasty open weeping wounds. I was lucky my lung hadn't been punctured in the process or my vital organs damaged. My torso was covered in an amazing array of colourful bruises. Mandy silently cried huge tears as she and Wilma cleaned up my wounds, washed and dried me and Wilma put fresh dressings on and bound the bandages round my middle, almost too tight for me to breathe comfortably.

Mandy put my fresh pyjama top on me and replaced my sling to support my shoulder and plastered wrist. Then they proceeded to sponge wash the bottom half of my body, or at least the parts not covered by plaster. I had been a little uncomfortable having my bum and privates washed by the nurses the last couple of days but that was nothing to how I felt when Mandy had a go. On the previous couple of bed baths I tried to think as negatively as possible but was still cursed with involuntary erections ranging anywhere from lazy lob through to full iron hardness. With Mandy though, I was so unnerved that I swear I shrank like an undernourished worm frazzled on hot road tar at noontime in August.

Wilma commented, "Not as per-ky this marnin' as usual, Mr Col-lins, is we?" She chuckled, her multiple chins wobbling, she was a big black nurse with a thick African accent.

"I'm a little intimidated today, Wilma, I can't compete with Gosford bloody Tanner," I snarled.

"I didn't realise he made you feel so inadequate," Mandy snapped equally venomously back, "I didn't actually notice at the time, but he obviously made a big impression on you. So, honey, Gosford was how much bigger than you?"

"A couple of inches or so," I answered morosely, "From what I saw and heard though you seemed to be more than appreciative of the difference."

She didn't answer and that had to be a first. I looked up at Mandy, she had turned quite pale and I could see more tears rolling down her cheeks. Wilma looked in turn at both of us and shook her head sadly.

"I dunno what's goin' on be-tween you two but from what I seen deese last coupla days, neither o' you got no problem in dat area," pointing theatrically downwards. Then she told me off, "As fer you, young man, remember 'bout a bird in de hand. You wife's here now, so get you head outta you bum and live wid it!"

"Yes, Jimbo," Mandy added through clenched teeth, "I am here now and I'm looking after you, whether you like it or not!"

Not much I could say to either statement. If the truth was known I was more than a little ashamed of what I said about Gosford Tanner's tackle. I seemed to be obsessed with him as a rival and I couldn't shake off my fixation even though Mandy had repeatedly said he was a one-off, a one-night stand and not still anywhere in the picture. Why didn't I believe her?

When they were finished bathing and drying me I was completely exhausted and in a considerable degree of pain. I tried relaxing back on my mound of pillows as Wilma removed the washing bowl and towels while Mandy swept back the curtains before sitting on the chair next to my bed. You could have cut the tension between us with a knife. I was absolutely knackered and in agony. This was not helping me recover one little bit.

"I'm sorry," I said, "That was a cheap shot, Mand, I know it's been years but I am still angry and upset about what happened."

"I am sorry too, that it ever happened in the first place. Look, I'm not asking you to forget it entirely. I hardly remember any of it to be honest but I'll never forget the aftermath and why you left me. On the one hand I wish you had stayed to help me cope with it, but you clearly didn't care enough for me to do that-"

"I ..." I tried to interrupt but couldn't voice the thoughts running through my head.

Mandy continued, "You do, on the other hand, need to accept that what happened was neither your fault or mine and please, please try not to hate me for it. We still need to be able to communicate civilly between us if only for the sake of our children."

"I know I said it in that angry email but I really don't hate you," I whispered, "It would be so much easier for me to accept what happened if I could."

"We never had a chance to talk about it at the time or since," Mandy said gently, "Perhaps if I told you my side of the story it might make it easier for you to cope with?"

"You've got me as a captive audience," I muttered, "Especially as you now seem to have the staff, my landlady and my bloody station officer all on your side. I'm completely outnumbered here without a single bloody friend in the world."

Chapter 2 - Help

"I didn't realise it at the time but Tanner was after someone to have an affair with from virtually the first day that he joined the school as my department head," Mandy began, "When I restarted part-time after eight years out having the children, so eager to please and having adults around me after so long without, I seem to have been his main objective. I suppose he saw me as a vulnerable target. He was very subtle about it, taking time to discuss issues with me as my manager, giving me credit for all my suggestions in meetings, praising me for my work, congratulating me on the results the children were getting. He made me feel grown up and important after eight years of basic child-minding. I was eager to please."

"He was grooming you," I said.

"Yes I know now that he was," she admitted, "He used to touch me on the arm or shoulder, not aggressively or in a way that would alarm me, but innocently. I just thought he was a friendly touchy-feely person. He was a very friendly and supportive boss. I guess I trusted him."

"So how did he get you into bed?"

"I was on my own all afternoon at that barbecue party, waiting for you to arrive from work and Gosford kept me company, listening to me and-"

"Listening to you moaning about me, and making disparaging remarks, I expect."

"No, quite the opposite. He was telling me how you would be here soon and I could look forward to cuddling up to you and show you how much I loved you and I lapped it all up," she said, "He was topping up my drinks and he definitely put something it them making me horny and couldn't wait to get my hands on you as soon as you got there. He was setting me up for later, I know that now."

"You know I always worked every Saturday," I said quietly, "It was one of our busiest days at work."

"I know," she responded, "I had no problem with that, although I was upset earlier in the day that you couldn't have got at least a half-day off, and was looking forward to you eventually getting there. If he had tried to put you down I would have sussed him out but he kept saying how great I'd feel when my husband got there and could welcome you in my arms. In the meanwhile I thought I was having fun talking with someone I trusted, respected and considered a friend."

She stopped and thought for a while, I kept quiet, I had said enough on the subject and I guess I had accepted that she should have her say. We should have had this out nearly five years ago, I might have healed by now instead of sitting here poking at open festering wounds with a sharp stick.

"He was not a friend, he was a parasite," she said bitterly, "And I was a victim. He had done the same thing at his previous school and I made sure my school were aware of it and didn't hide it under a table. I was put under a lot of pressure to resign but I stuck to my guns and one or two people at the party saw I wasn't backing down and supported me with corroborating evidence. Tanner was eventually forced to resign, either that or face prosecution. Too little too late for us, of course."

"I always assumed he was doing the charming, that it would be one-way, I just never thought you would give in so easy though. I had warned you what he was doing and I trusted you to resist. You knew I was coming as soon as I left work and got washed up and changed."

"Of course I did and I was looking forward to dancing with you and making a night of it for just ourselves, with the children staying overnight with Mum."

"So what happened, exactly?"

"We were talking, eating and drinking, we even have a few dances and were having an enjoyable time. Not just him and me, we were circulating with lots of our friends from school. He must've been spiking my drinks. There was a lot of coming and going late afternoon and early evening as the guys that brought children for the afternoon were taking them home and coming back again for the evening party. I think I got confused at what was going on."

We sat there quietly for what seemed an age, giving me time to rake over the past again in my head.

I worked in a tyre and exhaust centre back then, so Saturday was an intensive full day's work for me. My weekend was split, always Sunday off plus, on a rolling rota, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. Even then, I tended to work overtime three out of four of my mid-week rest days because, quite frankly, once the kids came along, we barely managed to keep our heads above water on my basic pay and Mandy's part-time work, and she got precious little of that until the youngest started nursery school a year or two earlier. She had earned double what I earned when we got married, so stopping work to have our family really hit us hard in the pocket.

Anyway, the occasion for this party was that the teachers at Mandy's school were having a summer barbecue. Naturally, for them, they held it on a Saturday, the first weekend of the summer holidays, at the Head of Mathematics' rather grand and rambling mock-Tudor mansion.

With my kids aged 7, 5 and 3, at that time, Mandy was about to increase her days at school that following September from two per week to three, with a view to returning full-time once Kaytie started primary school in a couple of years. So she thought it was important for her to be at this party. I couldn't get any more vacation time off because we were committed to a family fortnight holiday in August and I had used up all my holiday entitlement until October. Mandy was pissed at me accordingly, especially as I had taken up my last remaining holiday for a day's sea fishing with a bunch of mates during the previous month.

Her new Departmental Head, Gosford Tanner, was one of those smartly-dressed smooth types. The type I hate most, and I thought he'd been sniffing round Mandy for a couple of terms, since they started working at the school within a term of each other. Mandy had laughed at my suggestion that he was bidding to bed her, she insisted that she thought he was gay. He was single, he didn't date, didn't really hit on her or anyone, was just friendly, just like one of the girls. I wasn't so sure about that. My radar didn't pick him up as gay at all. I knew for certain though that I didn't like or trust Gosford Tanner. It was at that party that he achieved his aim and won my wife away from me.

I caught them having what looked to me like consensual sex in one of the bedrooms almost as soon as I got there and had looked around for her. All her colleagues seemed to know what was going on, as they all unhelpfully turned their backs on me as I looked all over, before trying the bedrooms as a last resort.

Mandy had been my childhood sweetheart, living just round the corner from me when we were kids, our mothers were particularly good friends. My parents split up and my Dad left home when I was about 10, so I became the man of the house at an early age and left school as soon as I could in order to bring some income into the home. Mandy, Amanda Wilson as she was then, went to college and on to University and became a secondary schoolteacher, specialising in English Lit and Drama, as well as providing special needs support for the younger children coming up from primary and junior schools with reading difficulties.

"I was waiting for you to come to the party," Mandy said, bringing me back to the present day, lying there inactive, sore and powerless in my hospital bed. This time I couldn't run, or lash out, or do anything except seethe, submerged deep in my own misery.