Gosford Bloody Tanner's Fault

"Josh is going to break hearts one day," Madge observed.

"The likelihood is that his heart will be broken."

"Why do you say that?"

"Experience. I've only loved two women and they have both played me for a fool and left me high and dry."

"You left Amanda. And you had this girlfriend Sally to fill the gap."

"I only left Mandy after I caught her with her lover. And I spent most of the time with Sally fending her off because I couldn't commit until it was too late."

"I spoke to Amanda about that supposed affair, it looks like she was tricked or drugged."

"Yeah, that's what she told me. Well, I was there and she certainly wasn't putting up any kind of resistance."

"I don't know all the details, she never told me and still won't tell me, but I know she got somebody fired at work because of sexual harassment. That must've been the guy. I know she was very depressed about it, especially with you gone and her job and reputation in jeopardy. When I had a go at her about you and said she should get a court order to pay her an allowance, she told me in no uncertain manner that you were sending her more than enough money. At the time I thought it was just a salve of your conscience while you were living it up, but you weren't were you?"

"No."

"You were living hand to mouth, in cheap lodgings and doing two jobs most of the time to keep your family together, well, together without you." She was smiling at that.

Well I wasn't smiling much.

"My whole world had been in a collapsed state for years and not just because I finally caught her in the act, but she had been sniping at me for a long while, wearing me down as if I wasn't good enough and this affair, or whatever it was, was the final straw, her finding the grass greener somewhere else. With me living with her I was holding her back. Me leaving left the field open for her to find someone who could keep her in the manner she wanted."

"Yes, but you were the one keeping her, you were sending all this money back, And now she tells me you have put thousands of pounds in the children's trust funds."

"I put in what I can afford, I need a house now so I can have the kids with me on a regular basis, so I can't put in as much as I used to."

"I know. And I think you have done really well." She squeezed my arm. "You could still win her back, you know."

"Why would I want to?"

"That's the attitude," she said, "You've been selling yourself short for far too long."

"Everybody's been selling me short, take you for example."

"I know I did, and I want to apologise, I was blinkered and didn't look at you the same way Amanda did. You really don't know how attractive you are, James. All the physiotherapists when you drop me off drool over you and you're the only topic of conversation all the while you are sitting in the waiting room or walking around the grounds."

"Yeah, but they are all married."

"Does that make a difference?"

"Of course it does!"

"Then perhaps you are your father's son after all."

"I hope I am."

"I think you probably are!" she laughed.

I wasn't at all sure what she meant by that. She knew my father better that I did, I was very young when he left, and he never came back or contacted us again. I didn't even know if he was alive or dead. No use asking my Mum, she hardly knew I existed, even when I visited her at the nursing home.

"I don't really remember him, Madge, you and Bob were friends with him, what was he like?"

"You look a bit like him, he was a handsome man, you sound even more like him than you look. He was a proud and stubborn man. When he found out what was going on he left."

"What was going on? Mum said he left with some floozie."

"No, Jimmy, he didn't leave because he had a lover-"

She looked at my face, which must have looked astonished.

"You mean?"

She nodded, "Yes, your mother had the affair, with my Robert!"

"No!" I exclaimed, a sick feeling in my stomach, "When?"

"From before you were born."

I ran and almost made it to the toilets, I made a mess of the corridor outside the Gents. Then I dry heaved over one of the bowls for a few moments, before Josh came looking for me.

"You alright, Dad?" he asked when he found me. "You should've had the fast food, the rest of us are OK."

I peered up at him. He had a smug look on his face, which vanished when he saw the look on my face.

"Sorry, Dad, you look awful."

"Just give me a few moments," I managed to get out, "Go back out and look after the girls, I don't think there's anything left inside me, but I just want to make sure."

"OK, Dad," he half-turned, "Nanna wanted me to tell you, and she said this is important, that she is really really sorry, what she said was wrong all these years and thinks you and Mum were meant for each other and there is no-one, including Nanna, who could possibly object to you being together. And something about passing some sort of test. Are you and Mum thinking of getting back together, cos we'd think that was cool."

"No Josh, we are not getting together, your Mum and I, besides she's got John now."

"Oh, OK, who's John?"

"I dunno," I laughed, "I just dunno. Your Mum's driving me crazy!"

"OK, so long as you are alright. I'll see you outside in a minute."

I washed up and when I got outside, Madge was waiting for me, her eyes reddened. She almost bowled me over and clamped her arms around my neck and kept kissing me. Big wet kisses, too.

"I'm so sorry, Jimmy, so sorry," she sobbed, "That all came out so wrong. Amanda sent off a sample of your blood when she changed your bandages and the results came back to say you are not remotely related to her. I have held this against you for so long and I have been totally wrong."

"OK, Margaret, let's sit down and get this straight. You thought I was Robert's son and that I was therefore Mandy's half-brother, which is why you objected to us courting, marrying and staying together all these years?"

"Yes," she sobbed, "That's why I made Robert's life a misery these last twenty-odd years until he finally left me three years ago."

We got back into the restaurant, where the kids were waiting for us, concerned looks on the girl's faces, with Josh looking bored, as usual, apparently the batteries were flat on his mobile and he had forgotten his charger.

Chapter 7 - Are You Dancing?

"Sally," I asked tactlessly, "Are you sure you're not carrying twins?" which was repaid with a withering glare in my direction. I continued with a grin, "But you do look good enough to eat on it." That brought back one of her famous brilliant smiles and she held out her arms for a welcome cuddle, so I guessed I hadn't upset her too much.

Her tiny frame was actually looking enormous for six months' gone, although it wasn't helped by her wearing an old smock to the Wedding Rehearsal that was maybe a fortnight too tight for her. Clearly she wanted to keep her actual wedding gown from being seen by the groom, as well as any other frocks she intended to take on their honeymoon in London for the week following the nuptials. When you marry just before Christmas, money is tight and one of the partners is heavily pregnant, your holiday options were limited somewhat.

"Jimmy, thank you so much for coming, babes," she said in my ear as I tried to get as close to her as her bump would allow, "The girls are gonna be the best bridesmaids a girl ever had."

"Well, you deserve the best, Sal, I hope this dry frosty weather continues for another day so the sun shines on your big day."

"Thanks, baby," she smiled like Madonna, looking up at me intently, "So, Mandy coming up in the morning or later tonight?"

"Morning I think, I haven't spoken to her. She has a performance on at the school today and I expect she wants to spend the night with her boyfriend while the house is empty, before coming up in the morning."

"Boyfriend?"

"Some guy called John, don't know much about him, I'm afraid."

"I didn't think ... unless she's trying to make you jealous, of course."

"What would be the point of that?" I said.

"You are such a dope, Jimmy," she chided, "That's why I love you so much. That's why Mandy loves you so much, too."

"I guess you always feel something deep down for your first love," I said, "I guess that's only natural, but calling that love is a bit strong, especially when she cannot bear to be in the same room as me."

"Well Madge tells me different."

"Madge is living in a dream world, Mandy and I are done and dusted and last time we spoke she even went out of her way to bring up the 'D' word, so hopefully this nightmare will be over soon."

"Mandy brought up the subject of divorce and you were happy with it?"

"It was a slam-dunk on her part, I didn't see it coming, but she's had a couple of boyfriends lately, she is still young and actually quite OK looking, plus the house is virtually all hers-"

"You've given her the house?"

"I needed cash up front to buy my place at an auction, so Mandy completely maxed out her credit and took out a second mortgage to buy out three-quarters of my share, which means I have to chip in with a payment to her each month equal to one-eighth of the repayments."

"So you don't have a mortgage on your new place?"

"Nope, own the place outright. Bought it for a song too. It's not much to be honest and it is in a rough neighbourhood, but it's now pretty secure and I've got room to have the kids stay with me."

"That is nice," she said, "So, when we come down to Southsea Fair next year, you'll put up Geoff, me and the Baby? Huh?"

"Sure, Sal," I laughed, "Anytime, just warn Geoff to sleep with one eye open!"

"Oh! Your bum!" she screamed, "Come on, I wanna see my husband's handiwork, show us!"

"No!" I protested, "Not here in front of everybody, besides he's not your husband yet."

"Spoilsport, you're no fun anymore!"

"I think I've provided more than enough fun for your hubby and his mates at my expense. I was really annoyed at Geoff."

"You shouldn't've had so much to drink, then, you've only got yourself to blame!"

"Well, half the bloody shots I drank were intended for your intended, I was protecting him like you asked, 'don't let him drink too much' you said and then he was left sober enough to do this to me. I didn't think he had his tools on him up in Hull."

"He didn't," Sally giggled, "He got his mate Mikey to open up his shop, even then Geoff was too drunk and Mikey did the tattoo with Geoff telling him what to put."

"Bastards!" I exclaimed, "And I quite liked that Mikey. I'll get them both one of these days."

"Well, not today or tomorrow, after that it's open season, OK? Anyway, it didn't do you any lasting harm."

"No, but I couldn't donate blood this month, that's the first time in four and a half years that I had to decline, not even sure when they will allow me to donate again."

"Poor lamb," she clucked, "You'll get over it."

"Like I get over everything else."

"Oh, baby, I've got regrets too, I still love you loads, so does Mandy, I think even Madge has got her eye on you herself if you don't get snapped up soon."

"Madge has certainly been strange lately, she's been really nice to me for a couple of days, now. Not sure what her game is. It's unsettling, I like to know where I stand."

Mandy did turn up that night. I saw her bleary-eyed, hair all over the place, at breakfast, having driven up sometime during the night. She joined us in the breakfast dining room just as we were finishing ours. We barely exchanged a greeting before I departed with Josh. I had managed to get Josh up early with the promise of something more interesting than just being involved in the wedding all day. The girls were excited about the whole day, though, and were high as kites. I left Madge in charge, she was taking them all off to the hairdressers, apparently one of Sally's friends ran a local salon and had closed up for the day and all the female guests were booked in to have their hair, nails and make-up done.

Josh and I were off to the local fire station for him to have a guided tour round while I chatted to the station officer about whether he could get together enough volunteers to go round schools and giving youngsters fire fighting training in the area. I had a laptop running a presentation programme to show the big wigs.

While all the girls were busy preparing from early in the morning, all the lads involved were probably sleeping late and meeting up at noon for a light lunch before getting changed to be at the church by two in the afternoon. It was fun, it gave a good chance for Josh and me to do more bonding without always being surrounded by females. I was surprised how enthusiastic and knowledgeable he was, talking to the guys about fire fighting. I had visions of seeing him join one of my future Watches and finding myself completely happy with that.

For the wedding itself, Josh looked great all dressed up in a fitted suit, while I wasn't at my most comfortable in my off-the-peg two-piece which didn't quite fit me, so I left the jacket and tie off as soon as we got to the church hall where the reception took place.

"So, you dancing?" said Mandy, after tapping me on the shoulder after I had danced with Madge for the second time.

"Yeah, sure," I said and noticed that Madge gave way gracefully with a big grin on her face.

There was a lull in the music for a moment as we stood there facing each other awkwardly before I took Mandy's arm and led her towards the centre of the small dance floor.

"So how many dances you had so far?" she asked as we walked.

"Most of them I think," I replied, trying to think what she was getting at.

"You?" I continued as we stopped in the middle.

"Oh, a couple, with Geoff and his father, a charming man, and with Kelly and Katie of course. And Madge somehow got Josh to ask me for a dance," she smiled, "It was fun."

"Yeah it was great dancing with the girls," I laughed, "you did a great job with all three of them."

"Yes, I saw you dancing with the girls, you all looked like you were having fun."

The music started and it was a slow one, why are they always slow ones when that is the last type of dance you want? We moved closer together and she rested her head on my shoulder as we virtually stood there drilling for oil, moving round on the same spot in circles.

"Why aren't we together, Jimbo, we are still married, sharing our children between us yet we are living different lives, spinning around just like this dance, so close and yet so distant."

"You can't do this to me Mand, it is all too painful. You need to get back to John or Mark or whoever his name is, or Gosford bloody Tanner for all I care and get our divorce sorted out so we can get on with the rest of our lives!"

"There's no John or Mark, Jimbo, the only bloody man in my life is you and you're not even in my life most of the bloody time."

"So who's this John you mentioned last month? The girls have told me you got your own room at the hotel, you are not with Madge and the girls. Are you with him?"

"No, I am not with anyone, I have a room on my own. John was a trick on my part to stir you into action. He's our gardener, he lives at the back of us and does a couple of hours a week keeping it tidy. He's 70 and his wife Alice is very nice. Did you ask Madge about my sleeping arrangements tonight then?" she lifted her head and looked at me coyly.

"No, none of my business, is it? What you do is up to you and who you do it with is not my affair, it's yours, so long as it doesn't affect our kids. Otherwise, I am not interested."

"The only man I am remotely interested in, is you, Jimbo."

"Are you playing with my head, Amanda? Please stop whatever games you're playing, because you're torturing me."

I removed my arms from around her and started moving away. She grabbed me by the arm. I couldn't shake her free as we left the dance floor. It was dark there, the noise from the disco even louder than on the dance floor, Mandy was still being dragged along holding onto my arm grimly. I headed for the fire exit, pushed down the release bar and we burst out into the frosty night air. I turned and faced her, my wife Mandy, who I had loved since we were about 3 years old. Her eyes were big and round in the moonlight, wet with tears. My heart went out to her but I couldn't touch her, daren't touch her.

"Amanda," I said quietly, trying to keep the emotion I was feeling down, hopefully undetectable, my voice unavoidably choking on her name, "Please just leave me alone, get the divorce sorted out and I never want to see you again."

"And why is that?" her chin thrusting out.

"Because ..." I was searching for the right phrase but all I could come up with was, a whispered "You're killing me, Mand."

"Is that because you also think we should be back together, or do you think that we were a mistake from the beginning?"

"Not a mistake, I loved you then and thought I'd love you forever."

"Just forever or forever and a day?"

"The last one."

"Does that mean you still me?"

"Maaand, please don't do this to me."

"What do you think this is doing for me, Jimbo? To us?"

"I dunno,I only know how I feel, I was always just pulled along for the ride, I've never really known how you feel."

"Jimbo, I have loved you all my life, I have always loved you and I will always love you, you are my life!"

"Then why-"

"Why is because I was a stupid little girl who never grew up, who had everything she ever wished for, a loving husband, beautiful children, a family home of our own. I had it all," she sobbed and the tears came in a flood, "I had it all, the fairy tale and I threw it away."

I couldn't help myself, I pulled her to me and she buried her head in my chest.

Mandy was asleep in my chest, she was deep in her dreams. She oozed contentment. I could feel the smile against my breast.

I was wide awake, I could not sleep. I wasn't sure if I would ever sleep soundly again.

Mandy was right, of course, no matter how much I denied it, the fact was that I loved her, always had and always would. Loved her with all my heart. Our lovemaking had been frenetic and I had brought my darling wife and lover to an ecstasy so powerful that she quite fainted away and slumbers still. I managed this feat with the power of lip and tongue, fingers and thumb. All the way through, though, I was as limp as yesterday's caesar salad. I couldn't get it up to save my life, to save our lives together.

Soon she will awake, remember how sated she was, before generously, insistently, embark on her pleasurable reciprocation. But by then I'll be gone, back to my room, back to my son, our son Josh.

What will happen in the morning? She will wonder why I have gone and assume that like me, we thought of Josh, still a child, sleeping alone in a strange bedroom. Mandy will smile and care for me more rather than less.

I couldn't care more for her if I tried. She was my childhood sweetheart, I always have loved her and always will. She is my soulmate. Can we ever live together again? Can we ever make love again, with my manhood intact? Can we? I want to but ... Can we? I do not know and cannot understand how I can confront my fears for our future. I just don't know.

It's all Gosford "Bloody" Tanner's fault!

THE END